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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Nice guy... is it me?

36 replies

Beeleave · 05/07/2021 22:38

Never had much luck in relationships... recently been thru a break up. It was a bit crap, it always is being dumped but am fine.

A guy I have always liked from afar has asked me out. Went on one date. He always seemed to be a bit of a bad boy ... he's since sent me the biggest bunch of flowers and messages me in the morning and evening saying he can't believe how lucky he is and soppy stuff along those lines. It's really putting me off,

But my relationships never go well so maybe I need a nicer guy. Any advice?!!!

Known him a few years and never had him down as over the top romantic... always seemed a cool customer.

OP posts:
Beeleave · 05/07/2021 22:43

Oh...and am definitely not someone that is a 'big catch'. I like myself and am confident but there really is nothing exceptional to be warranting this. It's freaking me out getting messages saying he's missing me and stuff. I don't know what to say.

OP posts:
Palavah · 05/07/2021 22:47

Nice are hugely underrated.

What had you observed that made you think he was a bad boy?

ThePearlOfDumbarton · 05/07/2021 22:49

I think you're better off with a self-aware man than a ''nice'' man.

Some people who identify as nice can project all of their doubts and insecurities and fears and low self-esteem outwards. They tell you what you think. They use you to feel superior and they project their shit on to you.

but the same goes for you. You have been chasing bad boys and now by CHANCE, by luck (?) not design you've met a man who seems to want to show you he values you and is happy and you're not sure?

I don't get it.

lastqueenofscotland · 05/07/2021 22:52

I would find that a bit full on myself, but I’m not a romantic… I don’t think me and DP have ever exchanged soppy texts and he is very much a nice guy.

Beeleave · 05/07/2021 22:54

I don't get it either. And I don't know why I thought he was a 'bad boy' . He's 10 years older and has always seemed a bit ... amused I guess by everything.

I have always enjoyed chatting with him and it's nice. But when he texts it's no actual conversation.. just how lucky he thinks he is, how he can't wait to see me. Stuff like that. I sound awful I know but it's too full on with no actual substance. I think he could be great as we always got on well before but now it's like his personality has been replaced with a sentimental hallmark card

OP posts:
Pregnantpeppa · 05/07/2021 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doona · 05/07/2021 22:59

It's a bit presumptuous, that he's lucky. What does he think he has, exactly, after one date?

Beeleave · 05/07/2021 22:59

He has said that he's missing his beautiful girlfriend!!

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Fireflygal · 05/07/2021 23:00

One date...definitely love bombing.

What is his relationship history?

Beeleave · 05/07/2021 23:00

I tried to make it into a joke saying ha, you will have to introduce me to her when I am next out. Confused

OP posts:
Beeleave · 05/07/2021 23:01

@Fireflygal ... long term relationships. Been single two years

OP posts:
Beeleave · 05/07/2021 23:03

Meant to be seeing him tomorrow... think I will tell him I need him to dial it down a bit. Or just end it. It is freaking me out. Just don't want awkwardness when I see him out.

OP posts:
Palavah · 05/07/2021 23:07

Yeah sounds way too full on, that would give me the ick.

BobGalaxy · 05/07/2021 23:08

That's waaaay too much for one date... He's already calling you his GF?! That's pretty immature and presumptuous! No wonder you are freaked!

Hesfamousforit · 05/07/2021 23:10

When was this guy last in a relationship? It sounds like yes he is love bombing but it also seems he is quite smitten with you. Arrange a walk or something so you can both talk and get some of his normal personality back in to conversation then maybe you can lead the texts on to other things than these compliments you aren't comfortable with.
I think this really depends on whether he has lots of girlfriends though because if he does then the texts are probably just rubbish he sends to everyone.

Hesfamousforit · 05/07/2021 23:11

Sorry just read your updates with some stuff I just asked!

Cowbells · 05/07/2021 23:12

I would also find that off-putting. I don't think it's 'nice' I think it's OTT. But if you like him apart from the puppy-act, give him a chance. He'll settle down.

Beeleave · 05/07/2021 23:12

He definitely doesn't have lots of girlfriends. We know a lot of the same people, have always chatted but more as friends of friends. When we have chatted in the past , just in passing, it's always been great. Really sound and funny. So this was a bit of a surprise

OP posts:
TedMullins · 05/07/2021 23:13

Lovebombing. The no substance texts give it away even if the flowers didn’t. He’s bad news.

TheFoundations · 05/07/2021 23:15

I would suspect that he's very perceptive and in not a very nice way. And you are very perceptive, but you're ignoring it, which is what he wants you to do.

He has perceived that you don't think you're much of a catch, so he knows that lots of flattery will get him places (in your pants, in your purse etc)

You have perceived, with your gut, that he's a bad boy, but because he's acting nice, you're allowing him to manipulate you out of that feeling.

Healthy relationships don't start with one person doing little but tell the other repeatedly how lucky they feel to be... well, you can't even say 'in a relationship'.

Healthy relationships don't start with one person being freaked out by the other in any way at all.

If you're freaked out, that's a red flag. Predators look for people who ignore their red flags. Trust your emotional response here, and always. If you're freaked out, it's because he's being weird. If he's putting you off, it's because he's not doing things in the way you like.

'I'm freaked out... but is it just me..?' YES, it's just you. But that seems, for many, to mean that it's something they should disregard. 'Oh, it's just me and my silly old emotions.' But your emotions are all you have. If you are happy, nothing else matters. If you are sad, nothing else matters. Your emotional responses are vital. It is just you. Pure you. Unfettered, unadulterated, unusual, one-in-a-million you. And that you is giving you messages. Listen to them. That you will show you the way to happiness and healthy relationships, if you choose to listen to her. She's the real you, who has been silenced whilst your other relationships fell to bits. She needs to be heard and validated.

Beeleave · 05/07/2021 23:21

@TheFoundations

That post resonated!! My partner died a few years ago and I found him, it was traumatic. I am very wary about trusting any man again. I had a relationship with someone who was my friend, it was good but he ended it. I am ok with that though as I don't think my heart was in it.

This man I have always had a silly crush on from afar. So I should be over the moon about all this. But it just feels weird and the way he's acting is so different than the man I knew him as. I don't believe he is so smitten with me to warrant this.

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ObviousNameChage · 05/07/2021 23:22

Too much too soon. Of course it's making you uncomfortable, because it's a massive red flag (unless you're in a rom com, and we all know real life is nothing like that).

The only excuse he could possibly have is if he has fancied you for a long time and finally has a chance to be with you. However, he still must respect your boundaries , slow down and go at your pace if you decide to make him aware of it.

If you decide to just end it then that works too.

Beeleave · 05/07/2021 23:22

But then I think what if I have finally met someone who really will love me and I am chucking it away because I am not used to normal dating?

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Beeleave · 05/07/2021 23:24

@ObviousNameChage he said that he has always liked me but never made a move as he thought I needed more time after my partner died

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ObviousNameChage · 05/07/2021 23:28

@Beeleave

But then I think what if I have finally met someone who really will love me and I am chucking it away because I am not used to normal dating?
This sounds more like love bombing than normal dating.

Even if it was normal, it's making you uncomfortable and that's enough reason to either end it or put down strong boundaries. If he choses to ignore them, he's not that "nice" after all is he?

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