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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fed up of being called moody

61 replies

fonejack · 05/07/2021 20:40

As the title says, I'm fed up with my DP calling me moody. It's literally a daily occurrence. I don't even have to look at him and he says it. I can say one word and he says it. If I don't agree with him I'm told I'm moody. I've literally had enough of it! I've asked him to stop and yet he doesn't.

Am I making a big deal out of it? I'm generally a pretty happy person (despite what my face says apparently!).

OP posts:
Original poster
fonejack · 05/07/2021 23:18

@Saltyslug I've tried that and he'll say my expression, or tone of voice etc. I'm literally not in a mood though so it's like he's seeing things!

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 06/07/2021 03:04

@Taliskerskye

He sounds like he’s doing it on purpose. Pushing your buttons to justify it. Does he get out of anything ? Emotional or physical? I mean I’m reality, he simply sounds like a cunt. And I couldn’t stay.

this 🎉

Leshan · 06/07/2021 03:14

Sounds like gaslighting to me.
Why are you with this twat?

xsquared · 06/07/2021 08:20

Look like he's baiting for a reaction which is immature attention very least.

Ask him why he'd with you if he finds you moody everyday. This is not healthy or respectful.

EarthSight · 06/07/2021 08:56

Some people's moods change like the wind, on a daily basis, but if you honestly think you are a steady, pretty happy person generally, then I think he's either very bad at reading people or he's using this to control you.

Think about it. You are not allowed to gave an negative emotion, not allowed to show any kind of resistance, not allowed to argue, challenge him or stand-up for yourself without it being framed as emotional instability. It's an effective way of either winding someone up or keeping them quiet. Really bad sign of character.

StormBaby · 06/07/2021 09:02

I would just laugh like a maniac in his face.

Chickenexpert · 06/07/2021 09:06

How long have you been together and how long has he been doing this?

I know I'll be told I'm jumping to conclusions and stuff like that but my best friends ex did exactly this. They were together 4ish years before he started doing it. He was cheating on her and about a week into the affair he started doing it. When she discovered the affair he said he 'had to' to bring happiness into his life because she was so miserable and moody etc.

Tangledtresses · 06/07/2021 09:06

Oh he expects you to be happy smiling stepford wife... with blue birds singing above your head

Tell him to stop it or turn it around in him and say well I wasn't moody until you asked, why are you being arse ache?

worktrip · 06/07/2021 09:18

He's gaslighting you. It's a form of controlling behaviour. Get out and save your sanity

Brown76 · 06/07/2021 09:33

Deflect “no I’m perfectly happy, you’re reading too much into things/seeing things that aren’t there, are you ok? Are you worried about something?’’

Original poster
fonejack · 06/07/2021 10:09

I've got cross, I've deflected, I've ignored, I've asked if he's ok, nothing seems to work and still it continues!

OP posts:
xsquared · 06/07/2021 10:12

@fonejack

I've got cross, I've deflected, I've ignored, I've asked if he's ok, nothing seems to work and still it continues!
You're going round in circles and he is doing this on purpose.

He is not communicating in a mature way, just repeating the same thing over and over again until it wears you down.

I'd seriously consider ending the relationship as it's not going anywhere.

TheFoundations · 06/07/2021 10:15

@fonejack

I've got cross, I've deflected, I've ignored, I've asked if he's ok, nothing seems to work and still it continues!
That's because he doesn't want to stop. He wants you to get cross, deflect, ignore, worry about if he's ok.

You being settled and content isn't his goal. His goal is to be in charge of your mood. If you want to take his power away, an eye roll and an affectionate chuckle will do the trick. 'Me? In a mood? Oh, you silly little sausage, I'm fine!'

That'll sort things out in the moment, but really, is this a game you want to play?

VanGoghsDog · 06/07/2021 10:23

@fonejack

I've got cross, I've deflected, I've ignored, I've asked if he's ok, nothing seems to work and still it continues!
Have you tried telling him to shut the fuck up and keep his unpleasant opinions to himself?
Frannibananni · 06/07/2021 10:29

Sounds like he’s gaslighting you. Honestly tell him it is asshole behaviour and ask him to stop, if he doesn’t I would think he is just trying to make you feel bad.

layladomino · 06/07/2021 11:13

an eye roll and an affectionate chuckle will do the trick. 'Me? In a mood? Oh, you silly little sausage, I'm fine!'

This. Every time. Then go about your happy day. Don't let it affect your mood. If it does, don't let him see that. He should soon get bored of not getting a response.

If he keeps trying, or if there's other stuff he does which is similarly irritating, then there could be a bigger problem.

OMGISeeTheWayYouShine · 06/07/2021 22:30

This thread has helped me to reflect on some of the shite my ex put me through and how he made me doubt myself. I didn't realise at the time but he ground me down so much that I wasn't myself at all.

When we finally split after his affair it was like a new lease of life for me and my dc and I am so much happier and more fulfilled with life now than I ever was with that grotbag.

This is gaslighting and gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. You don't have to put up with it.

OMGISeeTheWayYouShine · 06/07/2021 22:32

Always worth a read:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/07/2021 00:09

@fonejack

I've got cross, I've deflected, I've ignored, I've asked if he's ok, nothing seems to work and still it continues!
So don't you want to walk away?

He's making you feel shit and confused. That doesn't happen in healthy, happy relationships. So this isn't one. And your bar should be higher than that.

Imagine saying something to someone and them telling you it upset them. Then imagine saying it again and again, despite them saying it's upsetting. I bet you can't imagine doing that can you? No. Because you're not an arsehole or a bully.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/07/2021 00:10

@layladomino

an eye roll and an affectionate chuckle will do the trick. 'Me? In a mood? Oh, you silly little sausage, I'm fine!'

This. Every time. Then go about your happy day. Don't let it affect your mood. If it does, don't let him see that. He should soon get bored of not getting a response.

If he keeps trying, or if there's other stuff he does which is similarly irritating, then there could be a bigger problem.

Or you could break up! I cant fathom why people would really respond in a jokey way every time as if it isn't hurtful and nasty, rather than leave someone who is hurtful and nasty.
TheFoundations · 07/07/2021 00:15

I cant fathom why people would really respond in a jokey way every time as if it isn't hurtful and nasty, rather than leave someone who is hurtful and nasty

Yes, I agree. It was me who suggested the eye-roll and chuckle, but I did say at the time that that would just diffuse things in the moment. Firefighting, with the intention of leaving as soon as possible.

Using it as an ongoing solution to the problem is just a way of manipulating an abuser. Ugh.

Bogeyes · 07/07/2021 01:18

He gets a thrill from belittling you. Ltb

junebirthdaygirl · 07/07/2021 05:34

Were either of his parents very moody growing up? Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt by wondering is he particularly sensitive to moods because of his childhood..

Fireflygal · 07/07/2021 06:43

None of us imagine we will end up in an abusive relationship. It happens by stealth slow progression of behaviours that make us feel unhappy, uncomfortable or invalidated.

Usually when women recognise that their partner is being toxic THEY try to fix it. It never works because the toxic partner doesn't want the conflict to go away. This was the lightbulb moment for me.

Read "Why does he do that" by Lundy and also "verbally abusive relationship" by Patricia Evans. Both were recommended by MN and helped me to see the behaviour.

Why your partner does this is likely to be rooted in his childhood. It's often such an ingrained way of thinking that even solo counselling can't resolve it.

Do you have children?

Whydidimarryhim · 07/07/2021 07:12

What a twat. He’s pushing your buttons and knocking your confidence.
I’d dump him - he’s not going to change - this is not what a loving partner does is it?
Really you deserve more.