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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are your family and in laws close?

40 replies

Winein2022 · 04/07/2021 22:07

When I say your family I mean parents, siblings etc, your ‘side’

Me and DH are due to welcome our first DC this Autumn and we’re so excited.

However something that crossed my mind is that our families don’t mix a lot? They’ve met briefly and that’s fine. They’re quite different but yeah they don’t mix too much and I haven’t mixed them mainly as my mother is quite judgmental and I love my in laws so don’t want my mother being mean to them

My DH doesn’t enjoy my mother too much due to her negative nature..

All of this is sending me into a mini overdrive - am I overthinking here? Mainly because the baby will be part of both families I feel the need for them to mix but is it just something my head is blowing out of proportion?

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 04/07/2021 22:09

Never! We’ve been married over 20 years and our parents have only met a couple of times. My in laws live a good 5 hour drive away though.

Wombat36 · 04/07/2021 22:10

My mum & in-laws have barely met, have nothing in common & are now too elderly to travel. Don't worry too much.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/07/2021 22:11

They’ve never met.

PersonaNonGarter · 04/07/2021 22:13

You are overthinking.

We are all close in my family/DH’s family but it has taken years.

AnnaMagnani · 04/07/2021 22:14

God no, they fell out on the day of our wedding and it's been cards only ever since.

TBH I didn't have any great expectations as my 2 sets of grandparents didn't get on either - never met up, had absolutely nothing in common.

mondler · 04/07/2021 22:14

If they bumped into each other they would stop to chat and they exchange birthday/christmas cards. Other than that only at joint occasions ie kids birthday parties x

FriedasCarLoad · 04/07/2021 22:16

Mine get on well and often ask after each other, but rarely see each other due to living far apart. It's never been a problem.

I'm very fond of my brother's in laws - closer to them than he is! - and it's a lovely bonus, but by no means vital.

Eleoura · 04/07/2021 22:16

You are overthinking! Mine are opposite sides of the planet and met twice in 20yrs!

Justajot · 04/07/2021 22:17

Mine parents and parents inlaw like each other and get on. But they don't see much of each other as none of us live near the others.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 04/07/2021 22:18

Um.. they were both at our wedding, maybe dc’s first birthday? Other than that they never mixed. Although my parents and ex in laws did live at opposite ends of the country and had nothing in common so maybe not the best example 🤷‍♀️ I don’t think I ever saw my maternal and paternal grandparents in the same room either though.

finkirt · 04/07/2021 22:19

Been together 17 years, I think our respective parents and siblings have met each other once, maybe twice.

Original poster
Winein2022 · 04/07/2021 22:20

Thank you everyone! I feel a bit more sane now

I keep randomly panicking about things regarding the baby so this made me scared that the baby would be upset that both of their families weren’t really close etc! after reading the responses so far - this is totally normal

OP posts:
aibubaby · 04/07/2021 22:26

My grandparents were cordial 'bumped into each other in the street occasionally and said hi' at best and it never made a difference to how close I was to either side or how 'good' a family I felt we had as children!

Honestly don't worry about it, I don't think this is even a thing. As long as you're happy with the relationship each of them has with your children, that's all that matters - your child doesn't need their grandparents to be close to each other, just them.

LubaLuca · 04/07/2021 22:32

No, they're not at all close. My dad has met my in-laws just once, more than 20 years ago. None of our siblings have ever met.

My mum speaks to my mother-in-law on the phone from time to time and they send greetings cards to each other, and she's visited them a handful of times.

noirchatsdeux · 04/07/2021 22:32

I've been married twice:

  1. 21, got married to ex H 23. We'd been dating 2 and half years, his family, especially MIL, not very friendly. Parents met once, very briefly just before the wedding. My parents split while I was on honeymoon for a week, so ILs never saw my father again. They only saw my mother once after that, when she stayed with me and ex H for a couple of weeks when waiting for her flat to be ready after her divorce.
  1. 34, married exH, 33. We'd been dating nearly 6 years. My mother had returned home to Australia while we were still dating, she never met ILs as exH didn't tell them about me for 5 years ( a whole other story).

In both cases my parents had absolutely zero in common with the ILs, so I never pushed for them to meet or have a relationship. In the first marriage my mother basically invited herself along to an ILs family occasion (my then SIL was announcing her first pregnancy at a small BBQ)...it was highly embarrassing, as she was staying with us neither myself or my then husband felt we could say she couldn't come ...although I was also upset with ex H's family as they made it pretty obvious she wasn't welcome - hardly anyone spoke to her, they all showed zero interest in her. She'd just lost our family home and was moving into a rented flat after a very bitter, long divorce from my father, who'd left for OW...which was something they all knew beforehand. Of course, I suppose they could argue that they didn't want anyone who would possibly bring a negative vibe to a happy occasion...

SparkyTheCat · 04/07/2021 22:33

Not really no, in the 17 years DH and I've been together our parents have met maybe 3 or 4 times - one of which was our wedding. They exchange Christmas cards and sometimes ask after one another. My mum gets adgy if she thinks DH and I are spending more time with his family, so we edit what we tell her on that score. Whatever we do at Christmas seems to upset someone, so nowadays we stay at home just us, and at least that way we get a lie in.

Astella22 · 04/07/2021 22:38

My family met my in-laws at our wedding and haven’t seen them since. Grin
We live close to my family now and there is just never a reason for them to mix.

noirchatsdeux · 04/07/2021 22:40

Reading these stories has cheered me up a lot as well, it's something that used to bug me a bit, both at the time and since! Good to learn it's not actually that unusual.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2021 22:44

If you have any brains whatsoever you'll keep your families far apart.

saraclara · 04/07/2021 23:03

My family and my inlaws got on fine, but only saw each other maybe once every couple of years. They didn't live near each other, so it was only big family events that would bring them together.

My DD's inlaws live half an hour away from me. We don't have much in common but we converse happily when we meet, but that's probably only been once or twice a year.

It made no odds to my kids whether or not their GPs socialised together, and I'm sure it won't affect my DGD either

NavigatingAdolescence · 04/07/2021 23:07

@Howshouldibehave

Never! We’ve been married over 20 years and our parents have only met a couple of times. My in laws live a good 5 hour drive away though.
Similar. They met once before the wedding, at the wedding (stayed with respective families) and then at DD’s naming ceremony. Once every 10 years seems to be about right for us.

They might exchange Xmas cards but no other contact.

worriedatthemoment · 04/07/2021 23:10

Not close but have met lots of times as kids parties and things like that.
Very different to each other but perfectly ok to mix at parties for a few hrs and chat as if nothing else they have grandchildren in common

Notaroadrunner · 04/07/2021 23:11

Ours knew each other well and mum would sometimes have mil over for dinner. Our siblings never mixed though.

worriedatthemoment · 04/07/2021 23:12

I have no issues with mixing them and my grandparents got on well and we spent times with them all together as well as seperate

again2020 · 06/07/2021 11:57

Not at all. They only met once or twice and got on ok but then there was a row between the mums when DD was a baby and they haven't seen each other since. I doubt they ever will tbh.
My partners brother and mine have met once years ago and got on but his siblings and my are very different.

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