When to give up trying to make friends

[Emmazebra]

I’m almost 40, have a couple of old school friends I’m still in touch with but 99% of my attempts to make friends / build a network as an adult have failed.

I’m married with one pre-school aged child and live in an area away from where I grew up, I’ve lived here almost ten years and have only met one person I could kind of call a friend.

I’m sporty and so have joined various sports clubs so please don’t tell me to “join a club” because I have tried several times to no avail.

I consider myself friendly & chatty, I’m not shy and don’t struggle to talk to new people so it’s not a case of not joining in or chatting to people.

I have wondered if people find me too friendly perhaps??

I think I’m a nice person, I’m good and honest. I remember birthdays, I check in on people (not obsessively or anything but I will get in touch from time to time & ask how people are). I volunteer and give back to the local community. I have a good job and work hard. But I’m not snobby or flash. I’d say I’m very down to earth.

I’ve become paranoid that perhaps I’m seen as too “in your face” (although I don’t think I am) so the last few times I’ve met new people I’ve made a conscious effort to ask them about themselves & listen, and make sure I’m not dominating conversations too much.

But still to no avail. The last couple of people I’ve met (eg. a nursery mum we had a play date with) I felt like we got on well, only to never hear from them again.

I’m so lonely. As lockdowns eased I've just realised I didn’t care as I don’t have anyone to go for a drink / sit on a park bench with anyway so it doesn’t matter to me.

I’m worried it will affect DC making friends and I feel so so sad I can’t offer her any play dates or anything social. Especially as she’s an only child.

We’ve tried as a couple inviting some of DH’s friends & their wives round for dinner /bbq in the past but never got invited back, and I’m so paranoid it’s because of me.

I’m not sure why I’m even posting. I just feel I’ve reached the point (age 40) where it’s time to give up.

I would not take it personally Op, you sound lively I don’t think it’s you.

I think that it is harder to make friends as we get older; mainly because people already have their networking place. People can be reluctant to put in the time and effort to nurture a new friendship, if they have busy lives.

I found similar when I moved to a new area.

Sometimes it really can just be luck and right place right time. I had a spell of several years feeling as you do, then moved and things were much easier. Where do you live? If you are near Exeter I’m always up for coffee.

Sorry lots of typos in previous post.

I would never give up however. I have met two new people that could possibly become friends. Both at different jobs.

You may like the school mums when your child is older. My cousin never could make friends with her husband’s friend’s wives. I think they found her a bit wild!

OP I could have written your post! It sucks doesn't it - no one is interested in relationships much anymore it seems. Social media has massively impacted this too.

I am very lonely at times also suffer from depression doesn't help. Thanks god for my DH or else don't know what id do

I would also say it doesn’t sound like it’s you.

Mine are both under 5 and it’s so hard - people are busy with kids, work, family, I’ve lost touch with so many people and I’d say I’m really good at keeping in touch.

A lot of people have more luck with school Mums, here’s hoping!

Are you coming across as a bit too “mother hen” type, ie those who are always organising things and keeping in touch with everyone and have loads of friends? It’s not a bad thing but sometimes people might feel that you have loads of other friends and are very busy, a social butterfly who doesn’t need new friends and is just being nice and welcoming? and they might want more one on one type of friendships. Obviously it’s not a bad thing at all, in my personal experience though I find it tough to be friends with those who have a very wide social circle and never have time. Just a thought.

You sounds very nice though and shouldn’t give up!

Its definitely harder to make friends as you get older. I feel tour pain. I have close friends still but with work etc I often feel lonely as our lives are busy

Thanks all

@AnaViaSalamanca that is possible. Maybe because I know a lot of people via work/sports clubs/DC, other people assume I have a lot of actual friends?!

How much have you straight out asked people if they want to meet up? Asked them for their number or asked if they fancy a coffee some time? I think it can be hard to take the leap from “exchange a few words” stage to “friend” stage and someone has to make the first move… it can feel a bit like asking someone out but you have to put yourself out there…

PS I have a group of friends I fell into by chance… they were school mums and I always saw them having coffee while I got my take away. One day I asked to join them and the rest is history. But I had to take that first brave (for me!) step

Bumble BFF could be worth a try

Sorry nothing to contribute. I am 63.I used to have loads of friends ,the phone never stopped or the door knocking.
Now,nobody, nothing

You sound lovely! I’m in my 30s, I have a couple of school friends who I only speak to via FB, and I see family occasionally which is always so nice other than that my only actual friend is my DH.
I have ASD which definitely impacts my ability to socialise and I know I shut myself out from the world but I also live rurally and can’t drive so I’m even more isolated due to that. It’s really lonely sometimes, I have no idea what it’s like to have a “girly night out” of what it’s like to have a group of friends who you can trust and depend on.
Whenever I see how close some of my family are with their friends I often wonder how they’ve kept the friendship going for so long and why does it seem so easy for them, I truly feel forgotten about and unimportant most of the time.

One of the instances that really hurt was when I turned 30, it’s so silly but everyone else seemed to have a nice cake, went out or had a party thrown for them etc. I tried to arrange something for mine but nobody was interested, that made me feel incredibly lonely, obviously myself and dh still had a nice time in my birthday but as it was 30 I thought I could make it a bit more special.
Sorry for over sharing, I just know how shitty it is when your trying but just can’t seem to make anything work.

@EmpressSuiko that’s rubbish

It is tough making friends as an adult.

You sound likeable and nice. Sometimes people are just very closed. Keep going, keep doing the things that interest you, keep being yourself.

@EmpressSuiko I felt like that a bit when I was at a hen do (I was one of many, many guests) and I commented what a lot of champagne there was & the bride-to-be said “oh yes everybody bought us champagne when we got engaged” . Indeed, I had given her a bottle myself.

I got engaged myself a year later. Zero champagne!

I also think that you seem really lovely. You really shouldn’t give up on making friends. There will be potential friends out there; sometimes it just means taking a risk and inviting someone you’re chatting to out for a coffee. (It is like dating in that way; it won’t always lead to a lasting friendship, obviously, but please don’t let that put you off.)

OP I feel a bit like this myself. Always wonder what's wrong with me... I thought I was a genuinely kind friendly person but I really struggle to make new friends.

That’s so rubbish, it just doesn’t seem to ever add up does it? My husband got very cross with an old school friend, I always had her back, went out of my way to help her but I was never mentioned in any of her FB posts thanking her besties for everything they do and the support they give her.
It’s just so exhausting and over complicated, sometimes I feel like it’s better I don’t have any but that doesn’t stop me feeling lonely or sad about it. I do hope you find someone, a nice group of people who you’ll really click with, I don’t believe there’s an age limit of making friends, it’s just finding the right people, it’s just harder to do that when you’re an adult and have so many life commitments and responsibilities.

@Emmazebra I could have written your post - in a weird way, not wishing it on anybody else but I'm glad there seems to be more of us struggling with the same thing. I wonder what is wrong with me 🤷🏻‍♀️ I've heard people say "oh (insert name), she's lovely" - I do think people must just think I have lots of friends. Living in a village I know a lot of people but nobody close who I could confide in.

Whereabouts in the country are you? Perhaps we can point the lonely folk in each other's direction 👍

Gosh, everything you just wrote feels incredibly familiar. I used to make friends more easily, than I do now. I have met one new friend in last 10 years through NCT. She has gone on to make a load of new mates, though her street, school, sport and work. She has uni friends who have moved to be near her & generally has a buzzing social life.

I on the other hand, can’t make any other friendship stick! Old friends never call me, or invite me out. I have to always make the arrangements. New friends, same as you, I don’t get invited back, or remembered. One of my oldest friends has all but disappeared in last 4 years. If I WhatsApp her she replies, but she never calls or remembers my birthday. I sent her champagne for her 40th! Didn’t get anything for mine.

Anyway, just to say I know it hurts and I know it’s lonely. But, one thing you can’t do it’s blame yourself! It will drive you insane it really will. We are all who we are. I can’t change me, I’m too old and find it would be tiring trying to be someone I am not. I too and lively, loyal and fun. But clearly not everyone thinks I’m someone they want to be mates with.

I honestly think some people are lucky and they are like a moths to a light. My friend is clearly a light.

I could have written this, divorce, moved area and it's been a friendship desert ever since. I've had parties, suppers, people for coffee but nothing gets reciprocated. I think people like me but they are too busy with long established friends to fit me in. I'm also in the country and no one seems to have parties, drinks or go out. We've decided to move to a town so I can try to get a friendship circle. Fingers crossed. You are definitely not alone.

I just had a Google and came across this. Has anyone heard of it?

www.togetherfriends.com/our-blog/enjoying-life-in-retirement-and-making-new-friends/

I am sorry OP. I have a handful of friends, one I can speak to on a deep level. Ever since school I have always been 'a' friend never 'the' friend. I met up with with a few school mums and realised I was doing all the contacting whilst they politely responded. Now I just say hi on passing and they never suggest meeting up. I have allowed one friendship to fizzle out after seeing a clear pattern of being contacted when she had news to share. I also deactivated my social media accounts which has helped tremendously with my insecurities at not measuring up, looking the part, having besties or people falling over themselves to like my posts.

I like my own company which helps. I try to be thankful with the few friends I have and not ponder over what I do not have.