When to give up trying to make friends

[Emmazebra]

I’m almost 40, have a couple of old school friends I’m still in touch with but 99% of my attempts to make friends / build a network as an adult have failed.

I’m married with one pre-school aged child and live in an area away from where I grew up, I’ve lived here almost ten years and have only met one person I could kind of call a friend.

I’m sporty and so have joined various sports clubs so please don’t tell me to “join a club” because I have tried several times to no avail.

I consider myself friendly & chatty, I’m not shy and don’t struggle to talk to new people so it’s not a case of not joining in or chatting to people.

I have wondered if people find me too friendly perhaps??

I think I’m a nice person, I’m good and honest. I remember birthdays, I check in on people (not obsessively or anything but I will get in touch from time to time & ask how people are). I volunteer and give back to the local community. I have a good job and work hard. But I’m not snobby or flash. I’d say I’m very down to earth.

I’ve become paranoid that perhaps I’m seen as too “in your face” (although I don’t think I am) so the last few times I’ve met new people I’ve made a conscious effort to ask them about themselves & listen, and make sure I’m not dominating conversations too much.

But still to no avail. The last couple of people I’ve met (eg. a nursery mum we had a play date with) I felt like we got on well, only to never hear from them again.

I’m so lonely. As lockdowns eased I've just realised I didn’t care as I don’t have anyone to go for a drink / sit on a park bench with anyway so it doesn’t matter to me.

I’m worried it will affect DC making friends and I feel so so sad I can’t offer her any play dates or anything social. Especially as she’s an only child.

We’ve tried as a couple inviting some of DH’s friends & their wives round for dinner /bbq in the past but never got invited back, and I’m so paranoid it’s because of me.

I’m not sure why I’m even posting. I just feel I’ve reached the point (age 40) where it’s time to give up.

I feel similar to yourself and many of the PP. I do have some friends but they all have a big circle of friends who all do couple stuff as well. I'm more of a weeknight evening friend rather than a primetime weekend friend. My husband has never been interested in my friends so we have no social life together. I'm also foreign so my family and old school/uni friends are the other side of the world. I was just texting my oldest friend a minute ago saying I half wish to be back in lockdown as being out of lockdown reminds me how shit and lonely my life is here.

I can relate to so many of these things. My nearest local friend sees her mates for drinks etc at the weekend and I'm the weekday filler friend.

She has her circle of mates but they are her friends. I only see them on her birthday when we all go out. Then she tags all of them on FB except me. She even bought all of them except me a drink last time we went out.

I'm not going out on her birthday this year. I do reach out but although everyone likes me, they like someone else much better so I'm.always a solid plan b which I'm fed up with. I dont try to make close friends any more. But just trying to add a few extra quite casual friends feels impossible

I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself. I think we all can be guilty of overthinking friendships. From an outside perspective, I have a very active social life and realistically most of it is with other couples or people I work with/know via work. I only have a few ‘real’ friends. I believe it does get harder as you get older as people are busy and lives are different (and as adults we don’t get wasted with our girlfriends so often - that’s when you really bond ).

Stick at it! That mum you had a play date with? Message her for another catch up!

I was like this and l found when l gave up and made no effort l actually made more friends. I must have been giving off some vibe that was putting people off. Saying that..looking back over my life l have had various friends over the years..school mom's, club friends etc but they have fizzled our and what l am left with now is my college friends who are scattered around ( we are all 60!!) , friends from my single days ( nearby) and my sisters so at different stages friends fell by the wayside. I have never made a long term friend through work although l always get on brilliantly with everyone there..we literally never meet or contact each other outside. I have just accepted how things are and don't bother making any effort now.
Also l have seen in ife the person with the most friends is not necessarily very nice or pleasant or bothers much making an effort...they just seem to gather friends without seeming to deserve it.
So try for the Summer not to bother and see what happens.

@DirtyDancing.....oooh I'm giving that a go!

Beats sitting here responding to a thread about a fictitious GP who helped a fictitious neighbour.

What work do you do? Are there no colleagues who ever grow into more? Most of my friends have come through my work, but schools can also be good, at least to make you feel more rooted in the community, it can be hit and miss whether you have much in common otherwise. But I wouldn't worry about it affecting your DD's own friendships, please don't burden yourself with that responsibility. She's only little now so to some extent you're managing things, but she'll be her own person with her own relationships and you can let that evolve without any pressure.

How old is your daughter? I think having younger, school - age children, can often highlight your own friend situation for some reason.

There are different types of friends for different kinds of occasions, and it sounds like you do have friends / are friendly with people but miss having a more intimate, deep kind of friendship? Unfortunately that only comes with loads of time and shared experiences.

There is also a big comfort sometimes in feeling like you are part of a ‘group.’

I have found that sometimes I need to be the one to create the group!
How often do you initiate group activities with people you like? Have you ever thought of having a lunch with people you are friendly with, putting people together (without children OR partners) can often be fun.

You might be surprised at how many people are in your situation. I think if you have younger children then most of your contemporaries might? I am also guilty of looking around and thinking.. wow everyone else seems to busy and must have loads of friends when in reality they are also doing what I do… the school run, work, exhausted at end of day and maybe a fun night /dinner out once every few weeks. Maybe you need to organise your own fun nights out with others?

Please don’t be hard on yourself. You sound so lovely and like you are really interesting, have a lot to say, do a lot of things!

Also, and this is something else I have come to realise - a lot of people are just RUDE. Or maybe not rude, but thoughtless. I find it incredible but I have met so many people through school and work that really don’t have manners / or are socially awkward themselves. Perhaps you, who sound quite comfortable in your own skin, simply put them off because you might come across as really confident and socially comfortable. I think I do as well!

There also seem to be a lot of women out there who don’t reciprocate invitations. Maybe they weren’t taught to do so when they were younger, maybe they are too busy, maybe they don’t like you, maybe they are too involved in their own lives. But maybe they don’t like to organise stuff. I have found that if you invite people over 2 or 3 times and they come and seem happy to be there… then if they don’t reciprocate I don’t give them a hard time because honestly lots of people just don’t like to ‘host’ and ‘organise’. That’s ok! They can still be lovely and great friends.

But eventually you will meet the ones who are like you and reciprocate and reach out and are thoughtful.

I try and shrug off the people who don’t ‘get’ me and reach out to the ones who also have a smile on their face and a friend look when we do meet. Some people have better chat than others. Some people are just harder work. I have also had loads of play dates where I really really want to like the mom and we just don’t ‘click’. I used to force those relationships a bit for the sake of my daughter. But she is a bit older now and I have realised that I don’t have to do that. And I am so happy not to make stilted conversation with perfectly lovely people but ones where we just don’t click.

You say you do lots of clubs / volunteer / are sporty? What do you do, exactly? Maybe you could organise another kind of group activity for those women in those clubs - if you have a similar interest you can craft it around it. Like, if you play tennis and have a weekly tennis lesson.. invite everyone over for Pimms and Wimbledon. And the more you spend time with them the deeper the relationships will grow.

Making friends is a lot like dating. It is so hard. But you sound wonderful!

PS - also don’t be afraid to reach out to older women! Some of my best female friends are 20 years older than me (we met around a shared sport) and lately I have gotten to know some amazing women who are 10 years younger than me and don’t have children or husbands but like talking to me for advice!

Friends also come and go depending on the stage of your life. I have a saying that I give my old, deeper, school friends a huge ‘hall pass’ for these years - particularly if they have multiple children - and look forward to seeing them again more frequently when the children have left the nest!

Hi I know how you feel..I have a couple of close friends but lost touch for various reasons with all old school friends.

There was a pen pal post on here a while ago - I’m writing to two others and it has been a lovely way to meet people although I appreciate not for everyone! (I’m near Cambridge if on the odd chance you happen to be 😊)

@Emmazebra if you have young children try the peanut app! I met lots of local friends in there ☺️

There is a platonic app for making friends called platook. It's free and you can find people in your area also looking for friends. So at least you know these people are looking to make friends. Good luck!!

I’d also recommend MeetUp - they have lots of good local social groups. I met some lovely people through a couple of groups; I’ve since moved areas and as soon as restrictions ease I’m going to try to find some groups in my new area through there.

The thing with clubs and sports (or even the school gate) is, lots of people go just to do the activity - whereas with something like MeetUp, everyone’s there for more social reasons. It’s obviously also been more challenging in the pandemic of course but hopefully as the restrictions ease…?

I've been feeling this way a lot too recently. Old friends seem to have slipped away and I don't feel like I've made any real, "new" friends in recent years. Sure, I meet people through the DC, but DH and I have the feeling these people are only really friends with us because our kids are friends.

I've lived in my current town for 7 years now but still can't really say I have any real friends - people I can count on when I'm feeling low or who I want to get in touch with when I just fancy a chat with someone. I've suggested going for walks/bike rides/coffees with people (usually fellow mums) and when the answer is sorry no, they're already busy, it's not like they then make an effort to suggest an alternative day or anything. It just gets left. It always seems to be me making the first move with everything and everyone, and I'm getting very bored of it! I'm also self-employed and work from home all the time, which doesn't help as I don't meet people through work any more. Lockdowns definitely haven't helped either. I feel very lonely a lot of the time.

I'd happily go for coffee with any of you! I've been the new person more times than I can count due to loads of relocations. It's bloody hard work but I know I like friendly, kind, straightforward people who can laugh at themselves so I hold out for them.

I always used to find it surprising that some of the less friendly people I met seemed to have plenty of friends. I could never understand how it had evolved.

OP you sound like a lovely person. I too struggle to make friends, much more so as I have grown older. I started and run a social group which is just about making friends and I still struggle. What I observe in this group though is that the people who make friends are the ones who will ask others for a coffee and be a bit relentless about it. When I have reflected on this one thing I have discovered is that I don't actually want to get close to many of these people - there are only a few people that I actually like, and I cba to pursue people that I am not too bothered about.

I know how you feel op. I made the decision not to bother trying any more. I have made the effort too many times and it’s just not got me anywhere. I felt I had made an effort with some of the mums in the playground at school. Then on my 40th birthday lots of them didn’t even acknowledge it other than a brief happy birthday in the playground. Others in the group had had surprise parties and group collections for presents. I didn’t even get a card. So I decided, no longer, there was no point and it just made me sad. I now enjoy my time myself and just forget about friendships. I do think it’s my fault and nobody else’s. Nobody has an obligation to like me and want to be my friend.