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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don’t know how my partner feels

38 replies

Jbean80 · 04/07/2021 20:44

Help!

I have been with someone for nearly two years. I see him once or twice a week and I often stay over. He has never been married and this is his longest relationship. I’m 40 and he is 51.

I love him and have told him and he doesn't say anything back, I don’t know what I mean to him if anything, I’m so up and down with it all. When I’m with him he is lovely but I don’t know what will happen long term, I want to tell him how I feel about him but when I do I just feel a bit humiliated and embarrassed.

Any advice Or experience in this would be greatly appreciated

OP posts:
Poppies23 · 04/07/2021 21:51

At the age of 51 this is his longest relationship?
Perhaps just ask him what he genuinely feels or wants. By this stage you would to think that he knows how he feels. If it’s not what you’re expecting you’ll have your answer.

AgentJohnson · 04/07/2021 21:56

I want to tell him how I feel about him but when I do I just feel a bit humiliated and embarrassed.

After two years, it shouldn’t be this difficult. It’s time to bite the bullet, if you don’t, you’ll just waste more of your time investing in something without hope of a return.

Original poster
Jbean80 · 04/07/2021 21:59

Thank you, I said to him once ‘I know you don’t love me’ and he said why do you think that? I said because you’ve never said it and he just laughed and kissed my head. I don’t want someone fawning over me 24/7 but it’s confusing.
I suppose I always thought a 51 year old would be a bit more emotionally mature. :(

OP posts:
DippingToes · 04/07/2021 22:01

Does he show you affection? Does he do thinks for you to make you happy/comfortable? Does he contact you first a lot of the time? Does he put your needs first?

I'd say all of these show he loves you. He doesn't need to say it. Some men find it difficult to voice their feelings.

But yes, you should ask him directly: does he see a future with you?

Original poster
Jbean80 · 04/07/2021 22:02

What do I say when he asks why I’m ending things? I don’t want it to feel like I’m forcing his hand but right now I feel so embarrassed

OP posts:
Poppies23 · 04/07/2021 22:02

Is he a commitment phobe?

SortingItOut · 04/07/2021 22:03

He sounds emotionally unavailable, maybe read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.

If your needs are not being met because he cant or wont tell you how he feels then you need to speak to him about it.
He may open up and be more affection or he may say that this is just him - like it or lump it.

Has he said why he's never had relationships?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/07/2021 22:12

What do I say when he asks why I’m ending things?

Because he's emotionally sterile?

Why are you so embarrassed to talk to him about YOUR feelings too?

It sounds as though you just can't communicate with each other. It's not all on him (but a lot of it is).

cheezy · 04/07/2021 22:18

Oh dear. He doesn’t have a good track record for relationships if two years is all he’s managed at 51. Emotionally unavailable men are a total head fuck, I’ve experienced enough of them to know. Let him go if you can though it might be hard.

Original poster
Jbean80 · 04/07/2021 22:23

Whenever I try to talk about how I feel he just shuts down and makes a joke about it. I feel a bit rejected and I don’t like feeling like this, he says I’m his perfect woman because I don’t get hung up on feelings, and I don’t get on at him about anything but I don’t feel like me.

OP posts:
AnaViaSalamanca · 04/07/2021 22:24

What’s the rest of your relationship like? Is he caring and loving to you? Do you make future plans together (eg a holiday in a few months, getting a pet, a holiday home, living together etc)? Have you met his DC? Has he met yours?

And what do you want? Marriage and DC? Living together?

Original poster
Jbean80 · 04/07/2021 22:27

Sortingitout

We’ve known each other for 15 years and he has never had a serious relationship, we worked together in a very male environment and he liked the social life side of things

OP posts:
Original poster
Jbean80 · 04/07/2021 22:31

Ana

He has no children and I have two, he hasn’t met them. My son spoke to him on FaceTime but only for a minute. We have planned to go on holiday just the two of us. I haven’t met his family but his mum and dad both died last year within a month of each other and he isn’t close to his siblings.

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 04/07/2021 22:32

So he is emotionally unavailable then.

Sounds like he wants a partner for sex and donething to do but doesn't want to feel more than that.
Sounds very FWB rather than a relationship.

When you say he enjoyed the social side do you mean drinking and going out?
I can't imagine many women would put up with that.

AnaViaSalamanca · 04/07/2021 22:36

IMO saying the three words is secondary. After two years, if you want something long term, you should have discussions and plans about future (unless you don’t want a future with him). Does he talk about long term plans with you included (even hopes and dreams)?

DippingToes · 04/07/2021 22:43

Hi, you haven't answered my questions from earlier, so I'm assuming the answer to them is no.

I have another, though - did he ask you to go to his parents funeral for support? That would definitely be a sign he considers you an important part of his life.

Original poster
Jbean80 · 04/07/2021 23:04

He does show me affection. I couldn’t go the funerals because of Covid, I did see him afterwards.

OP posts:
LivNicely · 04/07/2021 23:05

This sounds so familiar. You feel uncomfortable talking about your feelings because you’ve never connected with him emotionally. You’ve never connected with him emotionally because he’s not emotionally available.

Sorry if I am projecting. But I wasted years with someone like this. Messed with my mind. I knew I didn’t have problems communicating with anyone else, so it had to do with him. In the end, I had to end it for my sanity. Also, he had never had a long relationship before, no kids, and could never explicitly talk about his feelings for me. If I ever tried to end it, he would be genuinely upset and beg for me to stay with him. But nothing ever changed.

Anordinarymum · 04/07/2021 23:11

You need to be open and honest with him now and tell him how you feel.
You need to tell him what you want.

MushMonster · 04/07/2021 23:14

This does not sound promising aat all OP.
But you do need to ask him. What does he want from the relationship? Does he see it continuing? Does he want it to grow further? Living together/ marriage?

You do need to know what you want. Do you want him to love you? To call you partner? To live together? Or you are happy spending time with him as per now, just want it to be forever?
Then, you have to decide if what he wants is compatible with what you want.
You will never know if you do not have that conversation with him. If he will not say, you have to leave him. If you want more than he can give, do not waste your time any further.
This of not ssaying I love you does not r8ng right with me. I think he has exactly what he wants, nice time together, but no commitment. And you want more, so go and get it!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/07/2021 23:35

but I don’t feel like me

Oh lady. This is ALL you need to have said.

You need to dump him. Sorry. But you really do.

Please feel like you again.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/07/2021 23:44

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

but I don’t feel like me

Oh lady. This is ALL you need to have said.

You need to dump him. Sorry. But you really do.

Please feel like you again.

This.

And if after so long you can't have a proper, open talk about the future and your feelings without feeling worried about scaring the other person off, it's not a healthy relationship IMO.

TheFoundations · 04/07/2021 23:48

Work out what you need, to be happy in a relationship. Tell him your needs. Don't say he has to meet them: this is about you. Once you've told him, wait and see what he does. If he starts doing thing so that he meets your needs, good. If he disregards your needs, you have to leave.

This doesn't have to be massive. You can start small:

'Ideally, in a relationship, I'd like to be with somebody who made me breakfast in bed sometimes.' And then just wait. If he shows up at 7:30am a few days later with a croissant and coffee on a tray, great. If it still hasn't happened after a month, chuck him.

HeadFullofRandom · 05/07/2021 01:53

@Jbean80

Whenever I try to talk about how I feel he just shuts down and makes a joke about it. I feel a bit rejected and I don’t like feeling like this, he says I’m his perfect woman because I don’t get hung up on feelings, and I don’t get on at him about anything but I don’t feel like me.
This is a good example of emotional manipulation.

Make jokes about serious stuff and deflect - eventually stops you bringing these things up

Compare you favourably to exes - making you want to keep up your status of "best"

Says you're perfect because you don't get hung up on feelings - makes you doubt yourself and worry when you do want to talk about feelings

You don't "get on at him" - makes you less likely to show negative feelings towards his dodgy actions

It is effective. LTB

me4real · 05/07/2021 02:06

I love him and have told him and he doesn't say anything back

After two years- wow @Jbean80 . I couldn't put up with that for long at all.