I don’t know how my partner feels

[Jbean80]

Help!

I have been with someone for nearly two years. I see him once or twice a week and I often stay over. He has never been married and this is his longest relationship. I’m 40 and he is 51.

I love him and have told him and he doesn't say anything back, I don’t know what I mean to him if anything, I’m so up and down with it all. When I’m with him he is lovely but I don’t know what will happen long term, I want to tell him how I feel about him but when I do I just feel a bit humiliated and embarrassed.

Any advice Or experience in this would be greatly appreciated

My story is so similar, except we were together almost 5 years and I didn't really know how he felt because he never told me he loved me, so I asked him and to my shock and devastation he told me he'd never been in love with me. I told him I loved him after a year and he replied he wasn't very good at saying things like that. He's late 50s and I'm late 40s and I was also his longest relationship, neither of us married before. He'd many previous short relationships and I'd only one. I now know from reading up on it that he was emotionally unavailable. If I tried to have a serious conversation he couldn't deal with it or talking about feelings and emotions. This all happened earlier this year and I'm kicking myself now I didn't ask sooner. You're absolutely right to want to know.

What is it that's stopping you from just asking him?

Hmm, he's 51, you've been together two years and see him only once or twice a week and this is the longest relationship he has ever had. So I guess he's never lived with anyone else since he left home. And you don't really know his feelings toward you because he won't discuss it. This doesn't sound like a good basis for an LTR.

Op like others said, give this one last chat, be open and just say what you’d like from the relationship and what your own hopes are aside from him I.e living together etc. If he seems aghast or reacts negatively or says that’s not in alignment with his plans then you need to leave him. You will just resent each other if you ultimately want different things. I’m in this situation right now and I know it hurts op but I’m the same I don’t feel like me anymore. I think once you feel like that one of you has got to be strong and end it.

@LivNicely

This sounds so familiar. You feel uncomfortable talking about your feelings because you’ve never connected with him emotionally. You’ve never connected with him emotionally because he’s not emotionally available.

Sorry if I am projecting. But I wasted years with someone like this. Messed with my mind. I knew I didn’t have problems communicating with anyone else, so it had to do with him. In the end, I had to end it for my sanity. Also, he had never had a long relationship before, no kids, and could never explicitly talk about his feelings for me. If I ever tried to end it, he would be genuinely upset and beg for me to stay with him. But nothing ever changed.

Me too! I left him in January this year after 12 years. OP you deserve so much better.

We sort of spoke about things last night. Sunday night out of nowhere he text me saying that he missed his mum and that he felt that he was alone in the world. He messaged a few times about the grief and that was probably the most he had ever said about his feelings.

When I went to see him last night he was really embarrassed about what he had said the night before. I didn’t force him to talk but I did ask about his feelings in general, his words were ‘Men don’t say stuff like that’.

No further forward with saying anything for definite but he did mention future plans for us and also he asked to see me more.

He sounds hard work

@Jbean80

We sort of spoke about things last night. Sunday night out of nowhere he text me saying that he missed his mum and that he felt that he was alone in the world. He messaged a few times about the grief and that was probably the most he had ever said about his feelings.

When I went to see him last night he was really embarrassed about what he had said the night before. I didn’t force him to talk but I did ask about his feelings in general, his words were ‘Men don’t say stuff like that’.

No further forward with saying anything for definite but he did mention future plans for us and also he asked to see me more.

I feel like he is keeping you hanging on by talking about the future. Honestly you deserve someone so much better.

I’m dealing with this op come on we can do better than this. All this worry over this, there are better things to be worrying about and using our mental energy on than these future fakers.

This is all on his terms. What do you want?
You are 11 years younger and with a man who doesn't love you (or probably anyone else) or it's not personal. You're just obliging and undemanding.

Are you really going to stick with this man, maybe care for him as he gets older (as he had no one else in his life) and for what??

You'll look back and know you never felt loved. Why are you settling for so little?

His perfect woman is one who doesn't make demands on his feelings? He wants someone who will suck up their own feelings and pander to his way of doing things. He was happy to tell you what he thinks the perfect woman for him is - now tell him what the perfect man for you is.

I think bringing up his mum's death was deflection, sadly. A way of making you feel guilty for pushing him, and to stop mentioning it. Then the next day he hoped you'd have forgotten all about it.

He says that men don't say stuff like that? Rubbish. Men are just as likely as women to declare their feelings, IME. Those who are emotionally mature that is.

He sounds like hard work, and I don't think you will ever get back what you need and deserve from this r'ship. Better to cut and run now, and have a chance of happy singledom / finding someone emotionally available.

Don't be nervous of being honest about the reason why either. There is no shame in it. Be careful of him suddenly finding he can do emotional stuff when you threaten to leave - it would likely be a temporary ruse to get you to stay.

And if he says nothing - well there's confirmation that you're doing the right thing.

Exactly what layladomino said OP.

I have had this exact deflection technique used on me a few times, complete with tears on occasion.

Ask for that kind of openness and spirit of sharing from him about your relationship and you will get what you got, a sticking plaster for now that doesn't really amount to much and future plans that may will never materialise.

The embarrassment and "men don't talk like this" stuff all in that gruff grumpy sort of way makes you want to avoid bringing it up because he's sensitive and having a hard time after all that "emotional sharing" So you'll be maybe a little nicer to him, a little more caring and you probably won't pester him with annoying questions that might put him in danger of actually connecting with you or accommodating any of your needs.

He's giving you scraps from his table- the bare minimum- to keep you hanging on.

Ask him outright if he loves you. This could save you years of wasted time like PP.