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Original poster

I’m driving myself mad with my insecurities

71 replies

GenericUsername404 · 03/07/2021 00:28

I’ve been seeing a man for nearly a year now. I really, really like him, we always have an amazing time together, sex is great and I’d really like us to have a future together. But I’m really struggling to understand why he wants to be with me and I’m almost at the point of thinking I have to end it as I’m spending so much time obsessing over it.

Basically he’s absolutely gorgeous. I’m not saying that just because I fancy him, he is just an incredibly attractive man. Whenever we’re out together I see so many people, both men and women give him a double take as he is just one of those people who is so good looking that people seem to think he’s famous or something. Then inevitably I feel their eyes slide to me and I just know they’re wondering why we’re together. I don’t think I’m unattractive. I’ve never been particularly insecure about my looks before. I’m mid 30’s, not overweight, I make an effort with how I look and dress but I’m very much an average looking mum. I’m not saying this fishing for compliments at all, just I know what I look like, it’s fine but I’m not beautiful or particularly pretty, just a bit plain.

On top of this I’ve tracked down his ex girlfriend and his ex wife on SM (I know, I know) and they are both drop dead gorgeous and based on their jobs clearly very well educated and successful. I don’t have a degree, haven’t gone back to my customer services job since having DC and am a recovering drug addict.

I just feel that he’s so out of my league and I’m trying so hard not to develop strong feelings for him as I’ve had a pretty rough couple of years and really need to just protect myself from getting hurt for the sake of myself and my dc. He told me that he loved me a few weeks ago and I just couldn’t bring myself to say it back. I just mumbled something about him not having to say that he felt like that which (understandably) caused him to look really hurt.

I don’t know how to get over this or whether I should even try. I’ve never been in a relationship before where I’ve felt such a disparity.

OP posts:
Original poster
GenericUsername404 · 03/07/2021 00:29

I don’t even know what I’m asking really. I just want to stop feeling so inadequate to someone who has never done anything, other than being good looking and successful, to suggest he thinks I’m inadequate.

OP posts:
lothermand · 03/07/2021 03:15

Hi OP, it's not a good place to be is it? You must be exhausted! I suggest you stop looking at the exes for a start.

This is all about you, not him, so you must concentrate on building up your self esteem. You feel a disparity because you don't feel worthy of this gorgeous creature, well it's not all about being gorgeous/highly educated/rich, it's about the person.

Look at yourself, and learn to love you, for who you are, and not what you have/don't have.

He chose you, remember that.

DramaAlpaca · 03/07/2021 03:18

He's with you because he wants to be. That's it really. Stop doing yourself down. You are worth it Flowers

Walkaround · 03/07/2021 08:09

Sad Have you asked him what he sees in you? You do realise he may not view himself as the Adonis you see him as? One thing’s for sure, you certainly have something about you that he loves if you’re still getting on so well after nearly a year and he’s told you he loves you.

Original poster
GenericUsername404 · 03/07/2021 08:31

walkaround he definitely doesn’t see himself as an Adonis, he’s very grounded but based on his exes he must know how easily he can get an incredibly attractive girlfriend.

He tells me that I’m lovely and a really good laugh and a very positive person which he likes. We do have a really good time together and we’re always laughing. But generally men don’t go for funny women when they could go for attractive women which is what makes me feel insecure. There’s also a big disparity with money - he’s got a decent, stable job and earns an above average wage. Thanks to my divorce though I have a lot of money in comparison. He never asks me to pay for things but will often suggest activities, nights away in hotels which he could probably afford now and again but I always end up paying for.

OP posts:
Welshgal85 · 03/07/2021 08:33

I agree that this is about you not him. You need to build up your self esteem, maybe counselling would be useful too?

You need to trust him, you need to believe what he is telling you - that he loves you and wants to be with you! He hasn’t given you any reason not to trust him. Relationships are a bit of a leap of faith. Be honest with him about your feelings and how you feel about him too as it sounds like he may need a bit of reassurance now about how you feel about him.

Try not to obsess over his past and his exes, it didn’t work out with them anyway!

LCDIT · 03/07/2021 08:51

I destroyed my own marriage with feeling like this. The truth is many of us are far too critical of ourselves. When we divorced I thought he would meet another woman straight away. The truth is he didn't for years. If you're unable to put these feelings aside, I really think you need to build up your self esteem. Find new ways to feel good about yourself. I think this aura of self confidence is a very attractive trait in itself. But do it purely for you to look in the mirror and to like the person you see.

category12 · 03/07/2021 08:57

If you're worried that it's your money he finds attractive, perhaps start going dutch for everything. or alternating, instead of always picking up the tab. That should reveal something either way.

66babe · 03/07/2021 09:06

I think the money side of things brings a new element ...
Is he the kind of man who would take advantage ?
Do you discuss this and why do you seem to automatically pay for these activities and weekends ?
Does he contribute fairly do you think ?

Sometimes if there is a financial imbalance it is ok for one to pay more than the other but not to the extent where you feel taken advantage of ?

bitheby · 03/07/2021 09:20

I don't think that's true at all. Men are like all people. We'd all prefer to be feeling good and having a good time, laughing, than a boring time with a super model. It's only so long that a relationship can be sustained if you're not enjoying the other person's company.

Original poster
GenericUsername404 · 03/07/2021 09:43

I don’t think he is the kind of man to take advantage. He’s never asked me to pay for anything and will always offer to pay if we go out for a meal or anything. I don’t know, I just worry that me having money is something that is objectively attractive to some people. As I don’t have the looks, the brains or the success of previous partners/ women he could be with then could that be the reason he wants to be with me?

I just hate the person that this relationship is turning me into. Genuinely I have never worried about my looks or success before and he has given me absolutely no reason to do so other than being ridiculously good looking. Then I get angry with myself for feeling like this and just feel even worse.

OP posts:
category12 · 03/07/2021 09:49

Well, take him up on his offers to pay and reassure yourself that way.

Also, use some of your money for a bit of counselling.

Seaoftroubles · 03/07/2021 09:53

The money issue would concern me O. P, you shouldn't be paying for all of the activities that he has suggested. Do you tend to pay automatically or does he at least offer?

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/07/2021 09:53

How did you meet?

Do you love him?

Original poster
GenericUsername404 · 03/07/2021 10:36

seaoftroubles he always offers and whenever I’ve just let him pay he does so without complaint. But I know how much he earns and there’s simply no way that he could afford to do all the things he suggests we do if I let him pay all the time.

annelovesgilbert we met on Twitter, bizarrely. He DM’d me as I was bemoaning the horror of online dating and he told me some of his own awful date anecdotes. Then it turned out that even though he lives 110 miles away we have loads of mutual friends so decided to meet up next time I was up visiting them.

I don’t know if I love him. I certainly fancy the pants off him, sex is amazing and we have a really good laugh whenever we are together. But I got together with him only a couple of months after my dh and I separated after a 15 year relationship, basically the only relationship I’d ever had. I struggled massively with drug addiction in my early 20’s and I’m constantly conscious of not allowing myself to get in a bad place, mentally, in case I do ever slip back into that. I have kids and responsibilities and I just can’t allow that to happen. So I’m actively trying not to get too attached to him so if he does suddenly fuck off I’m not at risk of hurting myself.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 03/07/2021 11:23

O. P, it's good that he offers, l would take him up on it each time, even if you make it a 70/30 split sometimes. It's not ideal for you to be always the one who pays as its making you anxious about his intentions. Also, you got into the relationship very quickly after the end of your marriage and probably could have benefitted from some counselling then, or at least some time on your own. As a previous poster suggests counselling now might help you to unpick your insecurities.

reader12 · 03/07/2021 13:59

He shouldn’t be suggesting activities that are beyond his means. That’s the worrying part.

Original poster
GenericUsername404 · 03/07/2021 14:22

seaoftroubles I know, I had planned on being single for at least a year after splitting from DH. The last 5 years of my marriage were no sex or intimacy whatsoever and I was bemoaning this to my friend who convinced me to sign up to Tinder to try and meet someone casual. It was all just horrible though which is how I ended up chatting to DP. Even with him I certainly wasn’t looking for a relationship I was just flattered that someone like him seemed interested in me and we ended up having lots of amazing sex Blush. I just hadn’t thought that over a year later I’d still be at it with him telling me that he loves me.

reader12 yeah, it’s a bit weird. To me it’s either suggesting that he’s expecting me to pay for at least a large chunk of it or he’s not good at managing money.

OP posts:
OrangeBlossomMacaron · 03/07/2021 15:10

He never asks me to pay for things but will often suggest activities, nights away in hotels which he could probably afford now and again but I always end up paying for

this is such a massive red flag. Sorry, OP.

FlowerArranger · 03/07/2021 15:20

He never asks me to pay for things but will often suggest activities, nights away in hotels which he could probably afford now and again but I always end up paying for

there’s simply no way that he could afford to do all the things he suggests we do if I let him pay all the time.

TWO mega huge red flags @GenericUsername404 !!!!

66babe · 03/07/2021 15:22

Well hang on ... if he earned more than her ... would we be questioning him paying for activities?

I think if you are a genuine couple then sometimes one will finance more than the other
As I said .. as long as no one being taken advantage of then it shouldn't really matter and we should all just pay for what we feel happy with
I've dated men who earn less than me and if I want to do something then I'd be happy to pay , likewise I've dated someone who earned more but god did he let me know it !!!!!!

TheFoundations · 03/07/2021 17:33

he never asks me to pay for things but will often suggest activities, nights away in hotels which he could probably afford now and again but I always end up paying for

Hang on... why/how do you end up paying? I don't get it.

Original poster
GenericUsername404 · 03/07/2021 18:12

thefoundations I don’t know really. Like, for example last month we went away on holiday together. He paid for the flights and I said I’d pay for the hotel which seemed fair enough. He knew the place, I didn’t and I asked him where was a good area to look for hotels. He sent me links to hotels that were all £500-600 per night which there is no way he could afford if he was paying. But then we’d agreed he’d do flights and I’d do hotel so I guess that’s fair enough? Maybe?

OP posts:
Naunet · 03/07/2021 18:19

Well hang on ... if he earned more than her ... would we be questioning him paying for activities?

If they were activities she always suggested? Yes.

TheFoundations · 03/07/2021 18:28

But then we’d agreed he’d do flights and I’d do hotel so I guess that’s fair enough? Maybe

How much were the flights?