I’m driving myself mad with my insecurities

[GenericUsername404]

I’ve been seeing a man for nearly a year now. I really, really like him, we always have an amazing time together, sex is great and I’d really like us to have a future together. But I’m really struggling to understand why he wants to be with me and I’m almost at the point of thinking I have to end it as I’m spending so much time obsessing over it.

Basically he’s absolutely gorgeous. I’m not saying that just because I fancy him, he is just an incredibly attractive man. Whenever we’re out together I see so many people, both men and women give him a double take as he is just one of those people who is so good looking that people seem to think he’s famous or something. Then inevitably I feel their eyes slide to me and I just know they’re wondering why we’re together. I don’t think I’m unattractive. I’ve never been particularly insecure about my looks before. I’m mid 30’s, not overweight, I make an effort with how I look and dress but I’m very much an average looking mum. I’m not saying this fishing for compliments at all, just I know what I look like, it’s fine but I’m not beautiful or particularly pretty, just a bit plain.

On top of this I’ve tracked down his ex girlfriend and his ex wife on SM (I know, I know) and they are both drop dead gorgeous and based on their jobs clearly very well educated and successful. I don’t have a degree, haven’t gone back to my customer services job since having DC and am a recovering drug addict.

I just feel that he’s so out of my league and I’m trying so hard not to develop strong feelings for him as I’ve had a pretty rough couple of years and really need to just protect myself from getting hurt for the sake of myself and my dc. He told me that he loved me a few weeks ago and I just couldn’t bring myself to say it back. I just mumbled something about him not having to say that he felt like that which (understandably) caused him to look really hurt.

I don’t know how to get over this or whether I should even try. I’ve never been in a relationship before where I’ve felt such a disparity.

I'd make him go 50-50 from now on op, and if he won't or backs off from the relationship, you'll know there was an element of avarice and lifestyle seeking in his interest/commitment.

Please don't feel bad OP, we are just speculating - we could be wrong. However it would be better for you going forward if you put your foot down with regards to paying for stuff.

If you need to just say that you are keeping the money for your children's future. If he has a problem with this or sulks and makes you feel bad then you have your answer.

marshmallowara I still think it was a decent investment 😂

I’ve been talking about selling off a few of the buildings in the grounds since fairly early on as he works in that sort of area and has been quite useful helping me out with the legal side of things.

So he's aware of the value of your assets and the money you'll get from selling off buuldings, hmm.

There's definitely a total lack of parity in how he's approached the split funding of your holiday together. He dies seem to think you're Mummy Warbucks.

*some of your assets

@GenericUsername404

marshmallowara I still think it was a decent investment 😂

If you enjoy his company, enjoy the sex have a lovely time etc .. and you wanted a special, luxury holiday; why not.

It just depends if you're happy continuing to vastly over contribute to things like that. Most people would feel uncomfortable/used I suppose.

As I said, I'd push v firmly for 50-50 or cheaper expenses and if he becomes less committee avd enthusiastic about the relationship, you know there's a financial/exploitative element to his involvement.

Is he an estate agent?

Oh and you're splashing cash on him on expensive holidays that might be better kept for you and your kids obviously.

Just do 50:50 from now on.

marshmallowara he’s not an estate agent, he’s a trained accountant but doesn’t work as an accountant, more sort of law stuff.

I’m going to push more for paying 50-50 and declining his suggestions of expensive activities, at least in the short term to see how he reacts. I’m normally pretty frugal with money but never had money that’s just mine before so I’m probably being a bit irresponsible too. Before I had a joint account with dh so the fact he could see everything I bought and he was really careful with money so I’d never get the things that I really wanted to.

I'm not sure what you're getting out of this relationship-its sounds as if it's costing you a bomb and making you feel insecure... there must be better ways to spend that money

Stop beating yourself up! Your clearly amazing for over coming your addiction and been a great mum!
I sometimes think that about me and DH. Weve now been together 9 years.... he's fit, muscly and goes the gym. I'm just an average looking mum with a mum Tum haha

I did used to have these doubts but if you click you click. Let yourself be you and tell him you love him back as you clearly do and make it serious ! Your holding it all back no body else.

All's I can think is I'm freaking amazing in bed an this is why he's stayed with me hahahaha!!! Iv nothin else going for me I'm a raging bitch when I want to be and i have OCD and I live in lounge sets lol he says he loves me for been me though he wouldn't want someone plastered in make up etc as it isn't attractive (I thought that would of been personally) but hey!
Hope your okay op x

I can understand your perspectives op.

O. P. Don't beat yourself up, it's good that you've posted as it's helping you to see why you might be feeling insecure. Your gut was telling you something wasn't quite right and this imbalance re his financial contribution ( or lack of!) could be part of it. I can see how exciting it must have been to have met someone who sounds so perfect, but now this other aspect has come to light you need to protect yourself and your assets. Hopefully he is a good guy and there will be no problems in sharing things more equally. I still recommend counselling re your insecurities, and this might also help you to understand why you found it so hard to suggest a fairer financial split with him.

A hot accountant - isn't that an oxymoron 😉.

Only joking - before I get flamed by all the mn etters with attractive accountant partners.

Yeah all you can do is 50-50, less expensive stuff.

I'll be honest though - like some other posters, I don't like what it says about him at all. He happily paid less than two hundreds quid for the flights part of your holiday, suggested very very expensive hotels knowing you'd be paying that part and happily let you pay for them. It comes across like he sees you as a well heeled, slightly privileged divorcee yummy mummy whose money he's v happy to spend (or have spent on him). There's a bit of an explorative side to him.

*exploitative.

You get the impression that he perhaps believes his looks and charm entitle him to that.

No doubt he's used to them getting him what he wants from women.

I'd also be a little bit wary re the I love you's .... That they're not in his mind expediting the relationship towards second marriage with a well heeled divorcee whose property assets he's aware of.

Sorry to be so cynical but ..

You need to find your voice here OP. Until you mentioned the holiday it didn't sound too bad to me but him saying he'll pay for flights and you hotels then suggesting really expensive ones is out of line. There's no way he didn't know what he was doing there. But you should have spoken up and said, "so the hotel is going to be £3k, seeing as the flights are only £200, should we just split the flights and hotel down the middle?" This is what you need to do moving forward and you'll know from that whether he's only there for money or not. You need to be strong with it. He is not too good looking for you, looks mean nothing. If you're attracted to each other then that's all that matters in that sense. Don't let your insecurities let you be taken advantage of though, you're worth more than that.

usernamexyz your comment made me think of a meme my sister sent me when I was moaning to her about this exact situation last week 😂

eviebeans tbh I’ve mostly stayed for the 🍆. We get on fabulously but I wasn’t looking for a relationship when I met him, it just sort of ended up happening.

marshmallowara there is absolutely no way I would ever consider marrying or even living with him or indeed any man ever again. I’ve made that perfectly clear from the beginning so unless he thinks he can change my mind (he won’t) he’s very much barking up the wrong tree.

@reader12

Yes the flights/hotel example is really cheeky. He’s taking the piss, but you’re letting him. Just start suggesting 50/50 split on everything, and see if he sticks around. Then if he does you can relax and stop stressing.

This 100 percent . He's using you op !

You sound great OP, stop beating yourself up.
What does not sound great is your partner taking advantage of you financially. He's an accountant for gods sake, he knows exactly what he's doing. Giving you legal advice as well!! I'd be very wary here, make sure you get some independent advice too. Your earlier post talking about your insecurities explains entirely why you are letting him behave like this and he knows it too.
You do sound fundamentally sensible though and now having questioned some things to yourself, I hope you will tread carefully, perhaps test the waters further and see which way he jumps.
Good luck!