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Relationships

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Original poster

He asked me to marry him…

50 replies

PaperHalo · 02/07/2021 22:36

Today my partner of 9 years and father to my 2.5 year old asked me to marry him! It came out of nowhere! He turned up at my place of work and asked me! Not exactly where I expected to be asked and if I’m honest now where I would have liked to been asked. Certainly not a romantic moment.
Back story… I’ve always been clear that I’m not big on marriage - we have argued about this. Just two weeks ago he was saying that he was leaving!! Our life is not the life he wants… we have a puppy and a 2 year old and this = no routine! He can’t cope without the routine and so lashes out and has a go at me like as if I’m the only reason we have no routine! (More back story, my mum died in January and I’ll be honest I don’t rush to put the baby in bed, I’ve been enjoying the cuddles).
So! Here I am with a man that I love deeply but I’m just not big on marriage, I’m certainly not big on rings (I’ve got horrible hands from some self harm as a teenager, I’m ok with it but not really fancying wearing a ring to draw attention to my hands). He’s taking it all very personally.
Last thing to add is that he is very poor with money, I don’t want to share my finances with this man.
So!! Here I am with a man that I love feeling utterly rejected but I honestly don’t want to marry both in terms of my general attitude to marriage but also in terms of my financial independence.
Oh what to do!!

OP posts:

Gilda152 · 02/07/2021 22:39

Don't marry him if you don't want to but if that's a deal breaker for him he needs to leave and find someone else - that's the standard advice for women on here about this question.

Hen2018 · 02/07/2021 22:41

Who lashed out? The 2 year old or your partner?

porkincider · 02/07/2021 22:43

Don’t marry him for the financial aspect alone.

Forstarters · 02/07/2021 22:43

What did you have a child with him if you can’t trust him with money? And no, I wouldn’t agree to marry someone that said they were leaving me. Sounds like you’re not suited

sadie9 · 02/07/2021 23:10

Turning up at your work place...was he trying to look like the lovely romantic guy in front of people.
Or making sure you wouldn't be free to say no. It's weird either way.
Why not propose when its just the two of you...?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/07/2021 23:16

Not sure you should be with him so you certainly shouldn’t marry him.

He was threatening to dump you last week.
He knows you don’t want to get married but tried to coerce you by proposing at your work presumably with your colleagues nearby.
You don’t trust him with money.
He “lashes out” at you for not managing a routine with a toddler, a puppy and a recent bereavement.

The last one is the main issue and why I think you need to break up with him.

I don’t like the sound of him.

Lampan · 02/07/2021 23:20

I absolutely agree with @porkincider - the money issue is reason enough to rule out marrying him. I’d be asking myself why does he suddenly want to get married after years of not being bothered?

HeadFullofRandom · 02/07/2021 23:22

@AnneLovesGilbert

Not sure you should be with him so you certainly shouldn’t marry him.

The last one is the main issue and why I think you need to break up with him.

I don’t like the sound of him.

This ^ exactly

JoyOrbison · 02/07/2021 23:22

Apologies if OlI am wrong op, but did you post a few weeks ago about your 'd' p saying if you got rid if the dog he would get rid of you? IIRC the dog is being quite destructive and you were struggling to cope?

If so, run for the hills, there was lots of concern on that previous thread.

Apologies if that wasn't you.

Micemakingclothes · 02/07/2021 23:28

I just don’t understand this at all. Why would you have a baby with someone who you don’t deem worthy of marriage?
Or given that you have gathered more information since having the baby, why would you live with someone and raise the child with someone you don’t deem worthy of marriage? Have you just not got around to kicking him out?

thelastgoldeneagle · 02/07/2021 23:30

@AnneLovesGilbert

Not sure you should be with him so you certainly shouldn’t marry him.

The last one is the main issue and why I think you need to break up with him.

I don’t like the sound of him.

Yup. This. Why are you even with him? Don't marry him.

Unreasonabubble · 02/07/2021 23:40

Nah! He is just frightened of losing his meal ticket. So sorry but do you really want your next 20 years with him?

Be true to yourself.

HollowTalk · 02/07/2021 23:53

Why on earth would you want to marry him? As soon as you said he lashed out it was a no from me. And the money issue just confirms it. You are much better off without him.

Hawkins001 · 03/07/2021 00:10

What about a secret bank account ?

porkincider · 03/07/2021 00:16

hawkins101 that wouldn’t help much in a marriage if they ended up splitting

girlmom21 · 03/07/2021 00:22

You don't want to marry him and he's aggressive and bad with money, and is trying to pressure you into something you don't want. You know exactly what to do.

TedMullins · 03/07/2021 00:27

@Micemakingclothes

I just don’t understand this at all. Why would you have a baby with someone who you don’t deem worthy of marriage? Or given that you have gathered more information since having the baby, why would you live with someone and raise the child with someone you don’t deem worthy of marriage? Have you just not got around to kicking him out?

This is a silly comment. Marriage isn’t for everyone, some people actively don’t want to legally join their assets with someone. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have a baby with them.

Aside from that, he sounds fairly unpleasant threatening to dump you over the dog and being shit with money. But I would’ve thought a toddler and a dog would be a reason to have a pretty rigid routine tbh

IdblowJonSnow · 03/07/2021 00:53

Get rid op. He's not the one for you.

unstabletoddler · 03/07/2021 01:06

He sounds terrible op. Get rid of him.

DeeCeeCherry · 03/07/2021 01:14

He's poor with money and you're not into rings or marriage. Yet you had a child with him despite him being no good with finances, and stayed also been with him for 9 years.

Sounds a bit 'too much drama'.

If you don't want to marry him then don't.

choli · 03/07/2021 02:41

Don't marry him. Even while cohabiting protect yourself financially from him. If you are wise leave.

Original poster

PaperHalo · 03/07/2021 07:24

I’m not sure I did post about the dog although the dog has been a big stress! He’s not a bad dog but I wouldn’t have chosen to have one right now. DP hasn’t said he will leave if we don’t keep the dog so I don’t think it was my post.

To those saying why be with him if you can’t trust him financially, I feel like there wouldn’t be many people in relationships if we wrote off all people with a few debts and poor choices. He gives me money every week and pays for ‘the big shop’ so he does contribute. I earn enough to cover all out goings even if he didn’t so I’m financially ok it’s more things like not wanting to share my pension pot which I work really hard on and of course the risk that his debts would follow me once we were married.

OP posts:

uhohbrusselsprouts · 03/07/2021 07:30

Have you just inherited / about to inherit a large sum of money from your mum? I'd be suspicious of the timing considering your mums death. Don't marry him - sounds to me like he wants his hands on half of it.

Isthisit22 · 03/07/2021 07:33

You would be about crazy to marry this man.

He's just walked out on you for goodness sake.
And he clearly just wants your money!

bengalcat · 03/07/2021 07:33

Don’t marry .

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