He asked me to marry him…

[PaperHalo]

Today my partner of 9 years and father to my 2.5 year old asked me to marry him! It came out of nowhere! He turned up at my place of work and asked me! Not exactly where I expected to be asked and if I’m honest now where I would have liked to been asked. Certainly not a romantic moment.
Back story… I’ve always been clear that I’m not big on marriage - we have argued about this. Just two weeks ago he was saying that he was leaving!! Our life is not the life he wants… we have a puppy and a 2 year old and this = no routine! He can’t cope without the routine and so lashes out and has a go at me like as if I’m the only reason we have no routine! (More back story, my mum died in January and I’ll be honest I don’t rush to put the baby in bed, I’ve been enjoying the cuddles).
So! Here I am with a man that I love deeply but I’m just not big on marriage, I’m certainly not big on rings (I’ve got horrible hands from some self harm as a teenager, I’m ok with it but not really fancying wearing a ring to draw attention to my hands). He’s taking it all very personally.
Last thing to add is that he is very poor with money, I don’t want to share my finances with this man.
So!! Here I am with a man that I love feeling utterly rejected but I honestly don’t want to marry both in terms of my general attitude to marriage but also in terms of my financial independence.
Oh what to do!!

No don't marry him.

He knows you don't want to but turned up at your work and asked anyway. He tried to corner you with it.

He has recently, being threatening to leave, because things aren't being done his way. And lashes out, I assume verbally, when he gets stressed.

He is crap with money and has debt.

Do you love him, or are you just used to him being there. Because he doesn't sound like a good choice as a partner. Definitely not someone to tie yourself, legally, to.

Too many red flags with this one - definitely don't get married.

I know this isn't the main point but is a ring compulsory in the UK? I got married in Germany and we opted for the non ring ceremony, saving more money for our new bathroom.
I also think you shouldn't marry if you don't want to.

I don’t think a ring is compulsory in a proposal by any means. But combined with the rest of the situation him not having a ring makes it seem very much like something he did on a whim, at a place where it would be very awkward for OP to say ‘no’.

I think you do have to exchange rings in the ceremony though. Or maybe it’s just that every wedding I’ve been to this has happened so I’ve assumed it’s compulsory.

If you're happy with him then stay with him, but don't marry him and be honest about why.

Just say no. you dont want to merge finances.

Well, if he wants marriage and you don't, if it's dealbreaker for him, he should leave the relationship.

I think you have excellent reasons for not marrying, and I would stick to them. (Apart from the ring thing, you could be non-traditional and not have a ring, or wear it as a necklace/whatever. Ring is not obligatory.)

@uhohbrusselsprouts

Have you just inherited / about to inherit a large sum of money from your mum? I'd be suspicious of the timing considering your mums death. Don't marry him - sounds to me like he wants his hands on half of it.

Yes the timing is a bit a lot suss.

You obviously don't trust him financially so don't marry him.
That's reason number one.
Also he should not be lashing out at you about the baby's routine.
Reason two.

And reason number three... you have lost your Mum and are bereaved.
When I lost my Mum to cancer I had a couple of counselling-type/advice sessions with her McMillan nurse before she died. The McMillan nurse was absolutely wonderful - one thing that stuck was that she said nobody who is bereaved should make any major life decisions within the first 18months - 2 years of the death because you aren't really yourself at all. No major life changes she said...

Do not marry him and think about whether you want to be with him at all and give yourself 2 years to recover from the death (you will never recover really but after a couple of years things will be a bit different)

@uhohbrusselsprouts

Have you just inherited / about to inherit a large sum of money from your mum? I'd be suspicious of the timing considering your mums death. Don't marry him - sounds to me like he wants his hands on half of it.

This!

@Micemakingclothes

I just don’t understand this at all. Why would you have a baby with someone who you don’t deem worthy of marriage? Or given that you have gathered more information since having the baby, why would you live with someone and raise the child with someone you don’t deem worthy of marriage? Have you just not got around to kicking him out?

This. Very confusing

If he’s not happy with the lack of routine at home (and tbh I wouldn’t be either!) why hasn’t he done anything about it? It’s not solely down to you, you’re both parents of your toddler. Has he been proactive in discussing a set bedtime, nap times, meal times and then sticking to them?

Doesn't sound like the relationship is a very satisfactory one for either of you. Maybe it's time to call it a day.

Why the hell would he do that? Does he even listen to you? I'd tell him and his dog to sling their hook and create their own 'routine'.

Have you just inherited / about to inherit a large sum of money from your mum? I'd be suspicious of the timing considering your mums death. Don't marry him - sounds to me like he wants his hands on half of it

That's a v good point.

1. It is a serious decision, not something done on a whim. If you don’t want to get married to him or get married at all, then fine.

1. Weddings are expensive, and getting divorced even more so.

1. Approx 50% of marriages end in divorce, so if you did marry him knowing you didn’t want to, then it’s not a good start.

1. If he’s shit with money, what are the chances that a) he’s got hidden debt you don’t know about that you will end up having to pay off and b) he’ll be wanting your savings/inheritance to piss up the wall!

1. The turning up at work to propose was very odd.

1. Sometimes you have to stand your ground and not compromise just to “please” the other person, if it’s not what you want at all.

Call me a cynic, but I find it very suspicious that not long ago he was threatening to leave you, now wants marriage. I am sure he knows if you split as a married couple and you are more financially settled, that he would be entitled to a financial arrangement, which might suit him very well.

i wouldnt marry him. I dont think he will go through with it. This guy doesnt even know what he wants. One minute he wants to leave, the next minute hes asking you to marry him. Maybe he thinks marriage will fix something. It wont.
your instincts not to accept his proposal are spot on. I think its very easy to just go along with mediocre relationships for longer than you probably should, but it would be a mistake to actually decide to formally legally entangle yourself with him

@ihtwsf

You obviously don't trust him financially so don't marry him. That's reason number one. Also he should not be lashing out at you about the baby's routine. Reason two.

And reason number three... you have lost your Mum and are bereaved.
When I lost my Mum to cancer I had a couple of counselling-type/advice sessions with her McMillan nurse before she died. The McMillan nurse was absolutely wonderful - one thing that stuck was that she said nobody who is bereaved should make any major life decisions within the first 18months - 2 years of the death because you aren't really yourself at all. No major life changes she said...

Do not marry him and think about whether you want to be with him at all and give yourself 2 years to recover from the death (you will never recover really but after a couple of years things will be a bit different)

That’s a really good point, I still have no idea how I feel about losing my mum.

Absolutely not Weather Systems!!!!just grumps and grumbles that we don’t have one

If you don't want a ring, don't wear a ring. The ring is nothing to do with any of it really.

you don't trust him financially? don't marry him

There are lots of threads here about how the more well-off or financially stable partner has more to lose by marriage, the other has more to gain. You have more to lose.

What the pair of you really need to do is decide if you want to stay together or not.

Honestly it doesn't read like you like him.

Does he just pay towards big shop or bills aswell?

Where is his money going ?

You don't have to marry anyone you don't want to..

The work proposal would either make me think he wanted you to feel unable to say no or displsy of how lovely am I to the world

If you need to ask the audience this question then he's not the one for you....
Move on and find Mr Right.

Do you think he wanted to leave perhaps because there was someone else involved and now he is feeling guilty and making a grand gesture?

Either way. Don't go into marriage if your heart isn't in it. Also don't do it because you want your relationship to be something it isn't. Don't do it out of feeling bad as that is even more unkind. Don't ignore your doubts, they are there to protect you.

I'm not saying spilt up with him but is this what you want for the rest of your life? When you are young that length of time is so difficult to comprehend. It soon goes though and just another however many years has suddenly turned into the rest of your life. You will suddenly find yourself looking back thinking how did it get to this and you will realise another however many years is all that's left. Do you really want to spend it like this because if one day isn't today then it won't be tomorrow and this will be your forever even if you tell yourself maybe one day it might be over. Just have a think about that.

@Hadalifeonce

Call me a cynic, but I find it very suspicious that not long ago he was threatening to leave you, now wants marriage. I am sure he knows if you split as a married couple and you are more financially settled, that he would be entitled to a financial arrangement, which might suit him very well.

This