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Original poster

How much of yourself do you change to be attractive?

33 replies

DisastrouslyMe · 02/07/2021 22:17

I'm 29 and I've never had a boyfriend, which is obviously horribly embarrassing as well as miserably lonely.

I really don't meet men. I did my teaching degree immediately after school and there are no male teachers in my school. I don't dress Reception teachery (no Seasalt or Fatface or Joules!) but somehow people always spot me as a Reception teacher.

A friend invited me to her party and I was chatting to a man there, but afterwards he said to her that I was too Miss-Honey-ish.

I feel shit, but I think I know what he means. I'm not cool and attractive and mysterious.

OP posts:
wonderstuff · 02/07/2021 22:23

You can't go changing yourself, you need to find the people who like you as you are!

I can imagine it's tricky finding suitable candidates as a primary teacher. Do you have a group of friends outside school? Do you have things you do outside of school? Online dating worth trying?

Original poster
DisastrouslyMe · 02/07/2021 22:28

Yes, yes and well I've given it a go, but nothing has ever worked. I'm so frustrated. People always ask me when I'm meeting someone as if it is a date I can schedule in my diary.

I just feel so frustrated because it's been so long. Part of me hopes I am doing something wrong so that I can stop it or change and finally get to meet someone.

OP posts:
seensome · 02/07/2021 22:31

Don't worry about what he thought of you, he doesn't even know you, he probably wasn't perfect either?

What have you done so far to find a boyfriend? Personally I think it's more than being attractive to be in a relationship, look around you it's not just stunning couples everywhere, it's confidence, persistence and a bit of luck.
All you can do is make the best of yourself, having good hygiene, clean well fitting clothes, new hair do etc to help you feel good, then you need to put effort into finding someone.

TheFoundations · 02/07/2021 22:32

If you don't meet men, who would you be changing yourself for, though?

If you were 100% attractive to all men, but you never met any men, you'd still not have a boyfriend.

You don't have to be cool and mysterious to be attractive. You have to be yourself, and enjoy it. Do that, and take steps to meet lots of new people.

Don't change yourself.

Original poster
DisastrouslyMe · 02/07/2021 22:37

From about 19-24 I didn't 'do' anything. I went on nights out and to parties and always just assumed it would happened. After that, I panicked a little. I joined a CPD network to try and meet more male teachers. I have tried Tinder and Bumble and had a few dates. Nothing was bad, but nothing was interesting either.

I'm definitely not stunning Grin I consciously eat well and go to the gym, and I take care of my skin, eyebrows and nails. I thought I liked myself but I am doubting myself so much tonight.

OP posts:
Perfectlystill · 02/07/2021 22:41

Maybe it's not the way you look but your character that comes across a bit school-marmish?

But if you are quite serious or whatever, there's no point changing in search of a man.

I suppose getting a dog wouldn't work? When we got our dog I was amazed how many men would want to chat when I walked it by myself. Shame I'm married as honestly I've never been so chatted up in my life!

OneKeyAtATime · 02/07/2021 22:43

Do you have hobbies? You could end up meeting men this way.

Original poster
DisastrouslyMe · 02/07/2021 22:44

Poor dog would have a rotten life cooped up in my flat all day. It wouldn't be fair.

There is something about me. Even cashiers at the supermarket ask me randomly if I'm a teacher. I wish I wasn't so offputting.

OP posts:
Original poster
DisastrouslyMe · 02/07/2021 22:45

Pre-Covid yes (French and cooking), but nothing since then. The gym has opened again which is good, but I can't get a space in my usual classes either.

OP posts:
Titsywoo · 02/07/2021 22:48

Nothing. I changed myself for a man when I was younger but in the end it would never have worked out as it was forced. I've only ever been myself around DH and it is much better.

Ginger1982 · 02/07/2021 22:49

You sound like me! I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 27 and it only lasted a month as he was a knob! All my friends were coupled up and I felt like the shit reject. I used to go out to bars and clubs and just assumed I would meet someone and it never happened. I then went through a brief phase of having a couple of fuck buddies (one of whom I lost my virginity to) than just made me feel worse. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me and what I needed to change about myself.

I tried speed dating, OLD on various sites and ended up having random dates with blokes who were idiots. They either only wanted sex or ghosted me. It was a really depressing time. Then, one day someone messaged me on match.com just when I was about to cancel my account. I was 29 and it was DH. We've now been married for 7 years and have 4 year old DS.

I don't think there's really anything you can really change about yourself. I know it sounds cliched but I think it will happen when you lesst expect it.

CarnationCat · 02/07/2021 22:49

Please stop worrying. Who fucking cares if you're Miss Honeyish? You do you. Do what makes you happy.

TheFoundations · 02/07/2021 22:50

Are you doubting yourself because you haven't found a man who blows your socks off?

Being happy single is equally sock-blowing.

If it's good enough for Jennifer Aniston and Halle Berry and Emma Watson and Kristen Scott Thomas, what's up with it?

I'm sorry about the phrase 'sock-blowing' :)

Funatlast · 02/07/2021 22:52

I wouldn’t change yourself. I’d try to meet someone who was more your ‘type’ eg another teacher? I appreciate that might be difficult depending on where you are in the country eg in London or a big city that would be possible.

Online dating is full of different types of men. Im sure there must be some who would like you just as you are. What type of man are you attracted to?

MrsPerfect12 · 02/07/2021 22:55

I see you've tried bumble and tinder. Have you tried paid for OLD, maybe more likely to find someone looking for a relationship rather than a hook up site.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 02/07/2021 22:58

nothing

you are either my tribe or not. we either like each other as we are or not.
I don't do pretending and I don't play games. you get what you see.

it's a great method of getting rid of bad rubbish, people I shouldn't waste my time & energy on always self-select themselves out of my life.

sorry he hurt your feelings, that's crap

Original poster
DisastrouslyMe · 02/07/2021 23:00

I'm not unhappy as such being single, and I do appreciate things like only having to suit myself etc, but it still means coming in to an empty flat all the time, and never having any physical affection, or even someone to chat about my day with.

I like men who are a little bit geeky, tbh.

OP posts:
ChubbyLittleManInACampervan · 02/07/2021 23:01

It’s just that you are not looking in the right places, primary school (your work), french (mostly women, I bet? And maybe a few guys with a french girlfriend) and cooking will not get you to meet many men

It can be hard to get out of a female world, I see this with friends are work in libraries or arts (history of art, museums) as well

How about online dating? New hobby that has more men ?

reader12 · 03/07/2021 15:31

You sounds lovely, and you are someone’s perfect partner, just as you are. You just need to find him.

Are there sports clubs near you you could join? Climbing / running / badminton - anything that men & women do together? A good friend of mine met her lovely partner at a badminton club, which she joined for the express purpose of meeting a nice man. (She joined a rowing club too, thinking rowers would be hot, but the men & women train separately in rowing so she never met any of the men!)

reader12 · 03/07/2021 15:33

Hm geeky - is there a Makerspace or repair cafe near you you could volunteer at? There will be lots of nice geeky men in those, who will be very happy to meet a nice non-frightening young woman!

Howshouldibehave · 03/07/2021 15:43

@DisastrouslyMe

Poor dog would have a rotten life cooped up in my flat all day. It wouldn't be fair.

There is something about me. Even cashiers at the supermarket ask me randomly if I'm a teacher. I wish I wasn't so offputting.

That’s bizarre! I’m a reception teacher and nobody has ever asked/told me that they assumed that I was, and I probably do wear plenty of Fat Face/Sea Salt!

I would have to ask the cashiers etc what made them say that. I’d want to know!

ahoyshipmates · 03/07/2021 16:02

A friend invited me to her party and I was chatting to a man there, but afterwards he said to her that I was too Miss-Honey-ish.

Your friend was being a bit of a bitch in relaying that nugget of information to you.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 03/07/2021 16:10

I'd ask a trusted and honest friend about this. "Why does everyone know I'm a teacher, and why am I not attracting men? Give it to me straight."

There is probably something about how you're coming across that is hindering you, based on what you've said.

M0rT · 03/07/2021 16:27

I would have thought Miss Honey was a lovely character to be likened to.
People often think I'm a nurse, I'm not and don't really know what a nurse looks like but apparently it's me.
I went through something similar in my late twenties as all my friends coupled up and I worked in a female dominated job.
It's a bit shit but it's true that falling in love or even like enough for a 3rd date is something you just can't really plan for.
All you can do is try create opportunity.
If you like cycling go to an independent bike shop, get advice on the bike, lessons on cycling in traffic etc and join any social cycles they do.
Full of nerdy men!
Musicians are also very nerdy, so when gigs can happen again small gigs with bands that play musical instruments are where all the men are at.
Actually go on Reddit and ask where are the nerdy men and go the places they suggest you think you'd also enjoy.

OldChinaJug · 03/07/2021 16:30

I've also had men ask if I'm a primary school teacher. No idea where they get that from - I also play bass guitar in a punk band! But we do seem to have something about us...

Kindness and compassion maybe?

I have a colleague who sounds very much like you and she is engaged. You don't need to change yourself. You will eventually meet someone who likes you for you.

Or so I am told... Wink