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Original poster

Porn

58 replies

mumhugs · 02/07/2021 21:42

I would like to see what other people think about the situation with porn and relationships. My question is do you think that men watching porn is acceptable in a relationship? My partner watches it (he doesn't know I know this) when I have questioned him about it he says that he doesn't watch porn but looks at pictures of nude women on his phone. When I asked him why he said that it's something to do when he is bored and he doesn't get to see my naked as I don't like to get dressed in front of him as I feel embarrassed about my body. This also makes me feel worse as the women he looks at are all young and slim. It makes me resent him! I personally think porn is not acceptable in a relationship but each to their own!

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 02/07/2021 22:53

OP I don't think the porn is the real issue here is it?

You seem to lack confidence
You have unrealistic expectations around how people in happy relationships behave. There can't be many people who stop noticing anyone attractive.
What he said to you was horrible. Making it your fault. Citing something he knows you are very insecure about.
And I'd put money on it just being pictures being a huge pile of bollocks.

Original poster
mumhugs · 02/07/2021 22:56

@NiceGerbil you're right it's not just pictures it's porn too!

Unrealistic expectations of how people in relationships behave? I said that he has to look elsewhere (pictures/porn) because maybe he doesn't like the way I look.

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 02/07/2021 23:03

I wouldn't like to live with a man who watched porn. As a young person I did keep company for a while with a man who did like porn, and talked to me about it. He didn't last long.

Mybabysmylife · 02/07/2021 23:03

Porn is like cheating to me. If your partner can get aroused and ejaculate to another women been slammed or man getting a blowjob then there's clearly an attraction there for him to ejaculate. I would rather my partner not ejaulate over another women been played with Thankyou. Come to me I'll do it when look at women on the internet when you have a partner to do it in real life! I think your totally right.Angry

NiceGerbil · 02/07/2021 23:05

OP he was horrible to you.

He said
'When I asked him why he said that it's something to do when he is bored and he doesn't get to see my naked as I don't like to get dressed in front of him as I feel embarrassed about my body.'

He put the blame on you and he lied about what he was looking at.

That is shit.

You don't think people in relationships should wank?

You seem to have views that are very unusual.

Do you know where they came from? Upbringing in a strict religion or similar? Bad experiences?

Something to think about, you don't have to say obv!

Thinking that people in relationships should not look at other people (well that's half the film industry stuffed!) or masturbate are really unusual views.

I think maybe talking to someone in real life about your unrealistic views about relationships would be really helpful.

I also think your OH was really horrible.

What he said was aimed at protecting himself and using something that is really a big issue for you to do it. And he's obviously lying.

I don't have much time personally for therapy but I think couples therapy might in your case be a really good thing to do.

Mytym · 02/07/2021 23:07

I try to ignore his porn use in my relationship but I actually hate it and sometimes think it could be a deal breaker for me. It's not yet as my rational brain says it is okay but my emotional brain gets very hurt thinking he does that. You can't help how you feel.

2021DNA · 02/07/2021 23:07

My partner watches it (he doesn't know I know this)

How do you know he watches it if he hasn’t told you?

women he looks at are all young and slim.

Most models are. I don’t know where men would even find photos of fat and old women.

buzzy06 · 02/07/2021 23:09

@Mybabysmylife

Porn is like cheating to me. If your partner can get aroused and ejaculate to another women been slammed or man getting a blowjob then there's clearly an attraction there for him to ejaculate. I would rather my partner not ejaulate over another women been played with Thankyou. Come to me I'll do it when look at women on the internet when you have a partner to do it in real life! I think your totally right.Angry

This is such a ridiculous take. As much as I get the insecurity of your partner being a roused by someone else... just no

I'm a woman who watches porn- obviously not the thing around here. I have zero desire to be with anyone I watch, male or female. I literally just want to something so stimulate me

As I say, I get it's uncomfortable. But it's really not the end of the world.

Even if your partner wasn't masturbating to porn, they can still use their imagination (about someone who isn't you, the woman at the supermarket etc.)

Original poster
mumhugs · 02/07/2021 23:17

@NiceGerbil no I didn't have a strict upbringing. I get that he's going to find other women attractive (I'm not stupid!) I mean that he has to look at naked women on the internet to get off!

OP posts:
Mybabysmylife · 02/07/2021 23:19

@mumhugs I totally get you in ever sense. I wouldn't be ok with it.

NiceGerbil · 02/07/2021 23:21

Ah ok I misunderstood your post.

It's also normal to think about all sorts of things while you wank.

When it became an accepted truth that men need porn to wank I don't know and it's very silly.

Fantasy is not reality. Everyone imagines all sorts of things. Again, this is normal.

Original poster
mumhugs · 02/07/2021 23:22

@2021DNA because I saw it on his phone

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/07/2021 23:39

[quote mumhugs]@2021DNA because I saw it on his phone[/quote]
Were you going through his phone? As I would suggest that means there are additional issues within the relationship?

OliviaNewtAndJohn · 02/07/2021 23:47

I think porn is like the invisible ‘there were three people in our marriage.’ Very difficult when you’re the person not choosing it, and feeling compared and ‘not enough’. It sounds like a deal-breaker for you, as it would be for me in a committed relationship.

Original poster
mumhugs · 02/07/2021 23:50

@youvegottenminuteslynn actually yes I was. He told me that it was just pictures he was looking at so I wanted to see for myself if it was actually pictures.

What I don't get is that he would be ok with it if I was looking at pictures/ porn. He doesn't see anything wrong with it. Maybe he just says that though as he knows I wouldn't do it so it's an easy for him to say!

OP posts:
B1rdflyinghigh · 03/07/2021 00:00

I think the concern is why aren't you happy being naked in your partners company? Many of us dont have perfect bodies, so why are you struggling so much with yours? Men love all shapes and sizes, including normal with lumps and bumps. So whats happened for you to feel that your body needs covering up? Have some confidence in your own.

Original poster
mumhugs · 03/07/2021 00:06

@B1rdflyinghigh because I have put weight on after having a baby. Plus it doesn't help when he's looking at young slim women on the internet! It makes me feel worse. Most women feel like this!

OP posts:
Icanflyhigh · 03/07/2021 00:14

I don't mind DP looking at pics of other women, I don't mind him watching porn if he wants to. But he doesn't hide it, neither of us do. We have a healthy sex life, and it works for us, it really is an individual thing x

Shellady · 03/07/2021 04:49

@Icanflyhigh

I don't mind DP looking at pics of other women, I don't mind him watching porn if he wants to. But he doesn't hide it, neither of us do. We have a healthy sex life, and it works for us, it really is an individual thing x
I get that your personally comfortable with him looking at other women but i always wonder when women say they are fine with it , in terms of the huge amounts of abuse in the porn industry I’m curious how you feel about him more than likely coming across and using underage or coerced women or women whos images are their without their consent . Knowing that just looking through the majority of these sites people are bound to be using at least some images that are of that nature. I mean many he wouldn’t even necessarily know Are you ok with the fact that he has absolutely zero way of KNOWING the women are not in any of those categories ? And if you know for sure he NEVER uses any thing like that , just how does he garantee the women are not being raped coerced or underage ?
Shellady · 03/07/2021 05:06

I think it’s interesting to note how one poster, @b1rdyflyinghigh stress how men love women of all shapes and sizes then a few posts later ,@2021DNA , points out
‘ women he looks at are all young and slim.

Most models are. I don’t know where men would even find photos of fat and old women.’

This is just one more example of how porn distorts stuff and sends shitty messages . Whilst there are heavy women and older women in porn they tend to be classed as some type of fetish with the majority of mainstress featuring young and slim . Not exactly sending the message that women are valued by men at all shapes and sizes
Women are repeatedly being told
Men love all shapes and sizes but porn doesn’t represent all shapes and sizes anywhere near the same . Young and slim are BY FAR more highly prioritised and this ISNT because the audience is more young men . It’s not ! Tell women who have porn addicted partners or have lost marriages due to porn that men are just as interested in their 40 yr old wife as the 20 yr porn stars Hmm

Just a shit pile of mysogyny really and that’s no even getting into the ethical crap mentioned earlier

CrazyNeighbour · 03/07/2021 05:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peanutttttt · 03/07/2021 05:38

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I enjoy watching porn on my own or with a partner. I also enjoy making it.

I don't expect partners to comment on how I masturbate. If a bloke told me I couldn't wank to porn, I'd tell him not to let the door hit him in the arse on his way out.

I second that!!
Shellady · 03/07/2021 05:45

@peanutttttt
Why would a man say you couldn’t wank to porn . Porn predominately hurts women and girls NOT men and most men have no issue with that .
When people have their images posted without consent , when people are exploited or underage they are almost always females .
A man are unlikely to tell a woman that this matters so much to them that they don’t want their partner wanking to it if she doesn’t even care enough about her own gender

peanutttttt · 03/07/2021 05:52

@Shellady I've never said I'm okay with the abuse in the porn industry, those are the videos that I don't watch. All porn isn't abusive just like all men aren't going to re-enact the porn that they view. It depends on the individual. You are thinking about it too hard.

Shellady · 03/07/2021 06:01

[quote peanutttttt]@Shellady I've never said I'm okay with the abuse in the porn industry, those are the videos that I don't watch. All porn isn't abusive just like all men aren't going to re-enact the porn that they view. It depends on the individual. You are thinking about it too hard. [/quote]
No I understand but how do you KNOW it’s NOT abuse or how do you know it’s not revenge porn or a woman who’s doesn’t know her image is there or an underage female ?
These are forms of abuse the viewer may not be aware of and seeing that so many of the big porn companies ( and small ones ) and found to have this type of company tent how does one know it’s not abuse ?