Left my wife - need advice

[manfriend100]

14 weeks a go I left my wife. We’d been together 10 years and honestly for a long time I have been miserable. She’s controlling, amongst other things, and I was so unhappy I didn’t want to exist any more. We have 2 boys under 5. I miss them so much. I am a amazing dad and will always put them first. She is giving me limited contact and is still trying to be controlling where the boys are concerned because the last control she has over me.

The last 14 weeks have been so turbulent that sometimes I think my head might explode. She says she is heart broken bur constantly tries to guilt me on to coming back, constantly telling me I left our boys, that I’m a horrible father (I know I am a great father), telling me to not contact her, but when I respect that, she blows up because I haven’t contacted her. It’s like a rollar coaster and she will not accept I don’t love her any more. It’s all getting too much. One minute she is sorry and wants to be amicable, the next she says me being civil/ nice is giving her false hope and I’m being cruel. But it’ll I keep it only about the boys she blows up and says I am treating her really badly. She’s wearing me down, she knows I miss the boys so much and is trying to manipulate me by using that.

I just want some input please, some advice or thoughts, she’s a good mum but there’s already hints of her positioning the boys against me. I work really hard and the constant up and down of texts and phone calls screaming at me, still trying to control me, it’s all getting too much. I can’t make it any clearer that I don’t love her. I’m at my wits end.

Also this wasn’t a shocked move, we have been on the rocks for years, tried counselling and I’ve tried to leave before which I know she now probably things means I might come back again. I apologised for that.

Any insight please, from a broken down man.

Sorry folks so many typos above.

Go and speak to a solicitor and sort out formalised legal access to your children and the payment of a fair child maintenance.

I am in touch with a solicitor and I’m already paying way above what’s fair, and the boys never go without anything. I’m not sure what direction to go with solicitor honestly. I’m badly trying to keep this amicable. My mental health is suffering now because of her

I also still pay half the mortgage on top of maintenance payments

Difficult situation she is hurt and probably not acting rationally. Like previous poster said get everything formalised legally. Horrible situation for everyone but just stay calm and reasonable, things will work out eventually. X

I keep telling myself it will get better, but every week is the same.

It will get better, it is still early days.

So sorry OP. This seems very tough. Keep copies of any texts. Get counselling for your own mental health.

This is very tough but you will come through it.

Parental alienation is taken very seriously by Family Courts. Keep a record of when and how she badmouths you to your children.
Don't feel you have to pay more than you are obliged by CMS to your ex wife. It is so important that you have a home for them too.
Keep calm, document everything and be there for your sons when they need you.

Do it through court, better all round that way. Keep a note of everything. Good luck!

This sounds really difficult. If you don’t want to get access through the courts are you close to her family? Could they help and mediate for you both?
You need to sort out contact ASAP as you don’t want her turning around saying you’ve not seen them for ages.

I have them twice a week (not even full days really) and one over night a month she has agreed to. I feel like because I left she odd the power. She’s treating me like a babysitter on those days too, asking for itineraries up front and what I’ll be feeding them (I must stress I am a sensible person, educated and know what is good and bad for my kids - she has no need to request this info because she knows I’m a good parent, but yet she does)

Unfortunately her family are very old fashioned and they just think I should be back in the marital home with my family. Honestly my head is all over the place

If you went to court you would more than likely be given far more access time with your sons then you are now. It sounds like she is going to continue to make things as difficult as possible so that you come back

I'm sorry, it sounds very difficult for you. I guess it's also very difficult for her too. Probably the fact you went back before is giving her false hope, but eventually she'll get the message. 14 weeks isn't long and you both need to grieve and start to move on. You are doing all you can. I'd agree with keeping a record of all contacts with your children and copies of her texts etc, iin case it comes to a legal dispute in court. Also of your requests to see them.

Good luck, I hope things get better soon.

This sounds very similar to how my ex reacted when I left him and you are right it is all about control. I promise you it will settle down eventually - it took my ex 4-6 months to realise I wasn’t coming back.

As much as you can keep calm and start treating this situation as you would in a professional business Like way - only discuss the kids with her. As soon as she blows up close the conversation down. Do not engage in anything else she feels like she wants to discuss debate or argue. I had a stock phrase I used too - I used it plenty of times and it eventually sunk it - our relationship is over, I’ll only be talking about the kids, anything else is no longer something I’ll be discussing with you.

It might even be worth setting up an email address and only contacting through that for a while. I’m hoping you’ve got a least fixed days that you have the kids? Then contact between you only needs to be about logistics. She knows you love your kids and is currently trying to use that to bring you back under the control. You’ve done the hardest part of leaving - don’t you dare go back.

Also re the calls and texts. I'd set aside some time each day (if they're daily) when you call back or answer them and stick to it. Ignore anything at other times. Also don't keep saying the same things again, keep to discussion about the children. It will make you feel more in control.

It sounds like she’s being irrational because she’s hurting, I think in a few months time, things will settle.
Did you leave mainly because of her controlling nature?
Could you put boundaries in place and tell her that if she continues with the messages/calls etc, then you will have to continue contact through other means (family member, email etc.) This will benefit you both in the long run and eventually you may be able to go back to having normal contact again.

You need to go through court and keep records of behaviours at home.

Keep communication by text or email and keep the subject to your children and co-parenting of them. Keep all communications.

Use the court system and a solicitor to decide an agreement on everything from divorce, maintenance and access etc.

Do not sort out a verbal agreement between you to "be nice", this will backfire at some point.

Good luck.

It's still early days.
Get things rolling with the divorce and then you'll have set days for visitation and a set amount of maintenance for them.

Where are you staying now and do you have enough room for them to stay overnight? Are you seeing someone else?

These things will calm down once there is a formal agreement in place.

When you say you left, did you mean you left your together home? If so, why ? I mean, your family home belong to both of you. Even if the relationship breaks down, you don't have to move out.

I read so many posts here men always move out when things don't work out. I know my partner will not move out no matter what, he has said why I should move out. So I kind of admire those men who left and let wife and kids have the house.

He left because she was abusive.

So difficult for you OP. Lots of good advice here.

You need to disengage from any discussions not directly involving the children from now on.

And start the process of organising a formal custody and financial arrangement so you can then stick to it.

Sorry you're having such a rough time, it's brave to leave a controlling relationship and I hope you can get a fair outcome for all involved

I would in your shoes download a co-parenting plan template, email to her, ask her to fill in her version, fill in yours, and set a date to sit down and discuss, with a mediator present. You need to assert your say early and press for access so you aren’t at the mercy of whims or her withholding. Keep this aspect separate to financial considerations.