Left my wife - need advice

[manfriend100]

14 weeks a go I left my wife. We’d been together 10 years and honestly for a long time I have been miserable. She’s controlling, amongst other things, and I was so unhappy I didn’t want to exist any more. We have 2 boys under 5. I miss them so much. I am a amazing dad and will always put them first. She is giving me limited contact and is still trying to be controlling where the boys are concerned because the last control she has over me.

The last 14 weeks have been so turbulent that sometimes I think my head might explode. She says she is heart broken bur constantly tries to guilt me on to coming back, constantly telling me I left our boys, that I’m a horrible father (I know I am a great father), telling me to not contact her, but when I respect that, she blows up because I haven’t contacted her. It’s like a rollar coaster and she will not accept I don’t love her any more. It’s all getting too much. One minute she is sorry and wants to be amicable, the next she says me being civil/ nice is giving her false hope and I’m being cruel. But it’ll I keep it only about the boys she blows up and says I am treating her really badly. She’s wearing me down, she knows I miss the boys so much and is trying to manipulate me by using that.

I just want some input please, some advice or thoughts, she’s a good mum but there’s already hints of her positioning the boys against me. I work really hard and the constant up and down of texts and phone calls screaming at me, still trying to control me, it’s all getting too much. I can’t make it any clearer that I don’t love her. I’m at my wits end.

Also this wasn’t a shocked move, we have been on the rocks for years, tried counselling and I’ve tried to leave before which I know she now probably things means I might come back again. I apologised for that.

Any insight please, from a broken down man.

How are you feeling today OP?

I left because ultimately I want my kids to be in their home with their mum and as much as I didn’t want to leave the boys I couldn’t stay there like that any more, and I’d never ask her to leave. Of course I’m now hearing almost daily how I left my family, I left my boys, I don’t deserve to miss them because it was my choice to leave, and it’s hard not to feel guilty about that even though rationally I know I’ve made the right choice. She’s using every single manipulative trick in the book to try and bring me back, all centred around the boys and how I’ve left them

@manfriend100 - It is better to have two happy parents living apart than two unhappy parents living together in my opinion.

Hope things are better OP

@Tiger2018

This sounds very similar to how my ex reacted when I left him and you are right it is all about control. I promise you it will settle down eventually - it took my ex 4-6 months to realise I wasn’t coming back.

As much as you can keep calm and start treating this situation as you would in a professional business Like way - only discuss the kids with her. As soon as she blows up close the conversation down. Do not engage in anything else she feels like she wants to discuss debate or argue. I had a stock phrase I used too - I used it plenty of times and it eventually sunk it - our relationship is over, I’ll only be talking about the kids, anything else is no longer something I’ll be discussing with you.

It might even be worth setting up an email address and only contacting through that for a while. I’m hoping you’ve got a least fixed days that you have the kids? Then contact between you only needs to be about logistics. She knows you love your kids and is currently trying to use that to bring you back under the control. You’ve done the hardest part of leaving - don’t you dare go back.

This is brilliant advice. Print it out and read it, often.

a good mum/ an amazing dad.
These 2 phrases stand out to me.
It sounds competitive.

Sorry for all of you in this situation OP.Can you get professional support?

@manfriend100

I left because ultimately I want my kids to be in their home with their mum and as much as I didn’t want to leave the boys I couldn’t stay there like that any more, and I’d never ask her to leave. Of course I’m now hearing almost daily how I left my family, I left my boys, I don’t deserve to miss them because it was my choice to leave, and it’s hard not to feel guilty about that even though rationally I know I’ve made the right choice. She’s using every single manipulative trick in the book to try and bring me back, all centred around the boys and how I’ve left them

I'm sorry but this is part and parcel of what happens when you leave a marriage and people hurt . As others have said formalise your arrangements and hope that time will make things easier.

You’ve had good advice about the emotional side of things from other posters.

Your set up for contact and maintenance doesn’t sound the best but I wonder if that’s because your instructions to your solicitor aren’t sufficiently robust/you’re trying to keep the peace? You need to sort this out ASAP. The starting point is 50/50 care of the kids. If you don’t feel you can ask your wife for that get the solicitor to do so. This needs sorting now. It sounds like you’re paying too much which is admirable but making a rod for your own back. If you had the boys half the time your payments would reduce. I would agree the minimum BUT if then you wanted to give more for a holiday or specific reason you could do so. Otherwise you’re setting up problems in the future. Under 5s mean you’ll be financially tied to her for at least 13 more years. In that time your lifestyle will be hugely constrained if you’re paying her mortgage and maintenance. Set clear boundaries and use your solicitor to advise you and communicate with her. Otherwise it’s pointless having the solicitor. The whole thrust now of family law is mediation and agreement. Not court. Court is a last resort but don’t let your guilt dictate the terms of contact and financial assistance. Good luck.

Much good advice here. I would just like to add, if you feel you are struggling mentally, please see your GP. In the main the situation will take time, but you will get there.

@Myotherusernamewastakenagain

He left because she was abusive.

Don't women take their children with them when they leave an abusive partner? Is it different for men? Amazing dads leave their children with an abuser?

It's only been 14 weeks. Emotions are going to be all over the place for a while yet.

Start the legal process with child contact. That way you'll know exactly which days you can see your kids and you won't be at her mercy. You'll get more than you currently have (if that's what you want) and kids generally like routines and knowing when they will next see the other parent.

Have you served divorce papers?

When discussions turn from the kids to venting at you, you n mere to learn to end the conversation. She is angry but her anger doesn't help move things forward. She needs to vent to her friends or family.