What is wrong with me?

[Dummy2021]

Hi all, expecting some stick here. Rightly so, I guess I need a good, rude awakening.

I'm just in a mess. A hole, I can not and seem reluctant to get out of. I am going to be as raw with my emotion and head space as I can be.

I am 25. The guy in question is 26. The LONG story short is we have a huge, huge, amount of history. He is my first and only love. I am infatuated, to say the very least with him. I am so, so in love. It's pathetic. I am at my happiest when I am with him. He has told me that there is no future in 'us' but of course he is happy to keep it casual between us.

We spend a lot of time together and speak every day, throughout the day. He says there's an attachment there and that he does have feelings for me but as I said, he has said there's no future, so I guess that's all irrelevant.

I am in this bubble of where I am so caught up with him and how we are together, how we laugh and get on when we are together, how compatible we are in every aspect, I guess my heart is just hopeful that he will one day wake up and change his mind. Which stops me from ending it and moving on, for good this time.

I feel like I'm weak, so weak and I never used to be like this. I came out of a physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive relationship which I am so proud of myself for doing and then he came along.

It was a year later that this guy and I re-connected and it was like my world turned around again. Everything just seemed so easy and as though it made sense when I am with him. He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and when we are together, he is so loving, affectionate, and caring.

In other aspects of my life, I would say I'm a rather educated, smart, think with your head type of woman but in this situation, it's the opposite, and it's taking its toll on me as reality sinks in.

I have re-searched and I am 1000% certain that he had love bombed me at the start as he sold me the dreams of a future together, was obsessed with me in all of the ways you would want your partner to be, told me he loved me. But now he says there is no potential future regardless of history and emotion, he just can't see it going anywhere. There I am, I just nod and go ahead with casual because I'm too weak to stand up for myself and the thought of losing him makes me sadder than what I am now? if that makes any sense at all.

Firstly, I know I sound pathetic and my actions are just as. I am starting to hate myself because of how men treat me, as though I just arent good enough.

WHERE do I muster the courage and draw the line and say enough is enough??? I really do deserve better and I want security, loyalty, all of the beautiful, meaningful parts of a relationship but it's as though I'm addicted to him as a person.

I thought maybe I have attachment issues, but generally, I've handled past breakups very well and haven't been as bothered.

I guess some guidance would be helpful, I feel lost and so ridiculous for continuing this and for loving him more than I love myself.

Please be kind, I'm feeling rather downtrodden right now.

I mean you know what you have to do. You say you got out of an emotionally abusive relationship. What he's doing is also a form of emotional abuse imo. He knows how you feel about him and he's using that to get what he wants from you and then discard you. You have the strength to do what you need to do, but you have to want to do it for yourself.

I would take a two pronged approach.

First I would get some counselling to work on your self esteem and to process the trauma of the abusive relationship. You are rightfully proud of getting out of that OP. Perhaps it's time to work out how that happened. There could be any number of reasons why you don't think you're worth anymore than this, so get working on that.

Second, I would do 30 days no contact. That means blocking him on everything. Not checking up on social media and sitting on your hands. It helps break the attachment and gives you some valuable distance.

I'd also do some reading, try www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ This woman is wonderful in getting you to see how you've got yourself another 'asshat' and what to do about that.

@AryaStarkWolf I know, which annoys me even more because it's as though ill find an excuse and run back to my bubble. Not reality whatsoever.

I also do know I've found the strength to leave someone before, I just didn't love nor have the attachments that I do to this guy.

He certainly does know how I feel and I realize he is abusive emotionally. I've attempted to end things, he just draws me back in with his shit and I fall for it.

Twice your age, and met enough people in the world to give you some advice. Buy a chastity belt, stop sleeping with him and see how long he sticks around. You are a friend with benefits to him, and he lacks empathy to keep you dangling in full knowledge you want more. All the time you spend on him, you deny yourself a happy single life or another person who offers you a proper relationship. It is easy to blame the man in this situation, and flouce about what a chancer and a brute he must be. The answer to this dilemma rests with you, and your will-power. If you were a junkie, you would need to do detox. Solve your addiction to him by cutting all contact and working on your self esteem. Never let a man mean that much to you that you allow them to walk all over you. There will be plenty like him in your future...we all meet them. You need to avoid them and find someone who treats you kindly and offers a loving/ stable future. It doesn't matter if you have a fab, amazing time and this man has a supersonic penis...he tells you no future, he cares so little for you that he is casual while waiting for his next target and you let him. Time to block and move on without psychoanalysis of his every move, mood and plan. Of course he will come knocking on your door looking for sex so wear tin knickers and he will lose interest fast.

Face up to the idea he'll never be serious about you, block him, then find something immediately to replace the addiction (sign up for a huge new challenge), big fitness challenge, go travelling - obvs not a Covid friendly thing but it's an example)-throw yourself into dating, make sure you're always busy for a while, and go from there. You need to rip a massive band aid off and it'll be painful but the longer you leave it the longer it'll fester.

@username18702
Thank you for that.

I do need counseling, I tend to look into it and then get cold feet because I guess I'm scared of what other hidden, demons I am potentially dealing with, but I need to. I don't know where to start.

I do agree that no contact would help, currently, we are very intense for two people who arent in a relationship and I am very used to the routine of it all.
I do believe something like this can only be handled in the sense of, ripping the bandaid off in one go and dealing with it, but i just stop myself over and over again.

Thank you for the link, I will have a read for sure.

Really appreciated it, thank you.

Oh dear, I am sorry. But he has told you where he stands, and he is totally happy with things as they are now. He is not going to change.

You are not happy. Make a list of all the things you want and can't have. Imagine looking at that list again in ten years time. How much of your future are you prepared to give to this man, who can't (or won't) give you what you want out of life?

I'd be asking him a straight question - "If you had a daughter that you loved and cared for, and her boyfriend treated her the way you're treating me, how would you feel?"

@scoobydoo1971 Thank you, that is what I was looking for. I do realize that is my role in this now, a friend with benefits as he gets his cake and eats it too.
That's is also what saddens me, I have already wasted so much time on him, how much more am I going to do this.
I do agree he is not fully to blame and I have played a huge, significant role in this.
You are honestly so wise and everything you have said is correct, I'm a fool for allowing it to go on so long, I do need to stop, stopping myself and just rip the bandaid off. The first step is so hard.

OP it's no problem, we've all been there. It is a matter of tearing off the bandaid and going from there. Be kind to yourself OP. You're not being kind to yourself by sticking with this guy.

Try BACP for therapists or ask your GP about what's available in your area. Just start OP, the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to work out why this is happening and make sure it doesn't become a lifetime pattern.

I can see you doing it and I'm already cheering you on.

You are waiting your life on a dream, there is no happy ending.

He gets what' he wants by manipulating you and your feelings.

You are the puppet and he the puppeteer!

He is abusive and controlling

Block, delete and move on

Happiness is just round the corner, but not with him

@Polkadots2021 Thank you for your message, I do attempt to distract myself and focus on other things, I guess I just don't fully invest myself the way I truly need to. I need to just take the leap, i hate myself for not doing it sooner!

@ahoyshipmates Thank you for your kindness, I am partly to blame so I guess I can't be all woe is me!
I think I am going to write a list, mentally I have one and that should be clear enough but I'm willing to try anything that will break this spell, per se.

@Sarahlou63 Thank you, Sarah, funnily enough, I have said something similar to him, he doesn't seem to recognize where he has gone wrong, as, in his mind, he has been honest about where we stand. Which is true, yes, but he refuses to let me go regardless of that.

[quote Dummy2021]@Sarahlou63 Thank you, Sarah, funnily enough, I have said something similar to him, he doesn't seem to recognize where he has gone wrong, as, in his mind, he has been honest about where we stand. Which is true, yes, but he refuses to let me go regardless of that.[/quote]
You need to take that power back and let yourself go!

@username18702

Thank you for saying that, it makes me feel a little more human. I'm rather embarrassed to speak to anyone I know about this situation, anyone close to me doesn't realize I'm living a lie.

Your right, I know I need to love myself before so desperately seeking the love of someone who has said they can.

Thank you, your amazing. I want to.

@AryaStarkWolf Right? It is so messed up as I know, he will never be the one to take that step. I need to do it.

My narc ex did this to the woman before me - kept sleeping with her while telling her repeatedly that they had no future - she loved him so much she went along with it!

And I KNEW he had done this (we were friends before getting together) and it disgusted me really but even so I still got with him - what a twat I am! (And I really am old enough to know better). He didn’t do this to me exactly, but a kind of lighter version of it - he was still horribly emotionally abusive.

I know it’s hard, but you are just going to have to be tough and strong. Because even if you could somehow make him love you like you want him to, it still wouldn’t be great, because basically he’s a nasty shitty person…..

And you sound lovely by the way. And someone out there will see that!

Watch 'Bridesmaids'. Your OP hugely made me think of "This is so awkward - I really want you to leave but I don't know how to say it without sounding a dick..."

That is basically what I see your relationship with this guy as being like. It's corny, but find someone who deserves you.

He can’t refuse to let you go, you are refusing to go! No-one can say they are ‘refusing to let you go’ you are not being held captive….! Stop allowing him to make any decisions, decide your own future, he hasn’t taken it out of your hands.

[quote Dummy2021]@Sarahlou63 Thank you, Sarah, funnily enough, I have said something similar to him, he doesn't seem to recognize where he has gone wrong, as, in his mind, he has been honest about where we stand. Which is true, yes, but he refuses to let me go regardless of that.[/quote]
He refuses to let you go, despite also refusing to commit to a relationship with you - who does he think he is?

Start getting angry OP, and harness that anger to do something positive and tell yourself that he is not the right man for you. You know it deep down already, so acknowledge that, and you will be 90% there.

What's wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you. You think there's something you're not understanding about yourself, some secret question that you could answer, and it would stop you being treated badly. Whilst you keep your mind open to the idea that there might be something wrong with you, you keep your mind open to the idea that being abused is your own fault.

There is nothing wrong with you. Abusive people try to abuse lots of people. Some people walk away, some don't. Those that don't are the ones who allow abusive relationships to plague them. They do this because they think that they themselves are doing something wrong, which takes the blame off of the abuser.

It is his fault that he is treating you poorly, but it is your responsibility to fix your own situation. Give yourself the responsibility. Allow yourself the power to make a life changing decision. If it's hard to think in that way, imagine someone you know, or someone from the TV, who is really really confident. Amusingly, entertainingly confident. Imagine what they'd say to him. Imagine how they'd say it. Do impressions of them. Have a feel around in that mindset. Get used to it a bit.

Probably when you've left relationships before, it was easier because you weren't being manipulated. This makes me wonder what example you were set of how relationships look, as you were growing up. Were your parents in a happy, healthy relationship? Did you feel listened to and valued? Because right now, you're not listening to or valuing yourself, and that's not likely to be your fault: Someone has taught you that habit.

It's not you, it's him. I HATE guys who do this - I've seen 2 really good friends lose literally years of their lives to these types who keep them on a string. Cut loose, you deserve better!

I personally would leave and cut all contact. That may make him realise he does have feelings that can also be the future.
If you dont hear then you know you were just a stop go, and can move on to find Mr right