What is wrong with me?

[Dummy2021]

Hi all, expecting some stick here. Rightly so, I guess I need a good, rude awakening.

I'm just in a mess. A hole, I can not and seem reluctant to get out of. I am going to be as raw with my emotion and head space as I can be.

I am 25. The guy in question is 26. The LONG story short is we have a huge, huge, amount of history. He is my first and only love. I am infatuated, to say the very least with him. I am so, so in love. It's pathetic. I am at my happiest when I am with him. He has told me that there is no future in 'us' but of course he is happy to keep it casual between us.

We spend a lot of time together and speak every day, throughout the day. He says there's an attachment there and that he does have feelings for me but as I said, he has said there's no future, so I guess that's all irrelevant.

I am in this bubble of where I am so caught up with him and how we are together, how we laugh and get on when we are together, how compatible we are in every aspect, I guess my heart is just hopeful that he will one day wake up and change his mind. Which stops me from ending it and moving on, for good this time.

I feel like I'm weak, so weak and I never used to be like this. I came out of a physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive relationship which I am so proud of myself for doing and then he came along.

It was a year later that this guy and I re-connected and it was like my world turned around again. Everything just seemed so easy and as though it made sense when I am with him. He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and when we are together, he is so loving, affectionate, and caring.

In other aspects of my life, I would say I'm a rather educated, smart, think with your head type of woman but in this situation, it's the opposite, and it's taking its toll on me as reality sinks in.

I have re-searched and I am 1000% certain that he had love bombed me at the start as he sold me the dreams of a future together, was obsessed with me in all of the ways you would want your partner to be, told me he loved me. But now he says there is no potential future regardless of history and emotion, he just can't see it going anywhere. There I am, I just nod and go ahead with casual because I'm too weak to stand up for myself and the thought of losing him makes me sadder than what I am now? if that makes any sense at all.

Firstly, I know I sound pathetic and my actions are just as. I am starting to hate myself because of how men treat me, as though I just arent good enough.

WHERE do I muster the courage and draw the line and say enough is enough??? I really do deserve better and I want security, loyalty, all of the beautiful, meaningful parts of a relationship but it's as though I'm addicted to him as a person.

I thought maybe I have attachment issues, but generally, I've handled past breakups very well and haven't been as bothered.

I guess some guidance would be helpful, I feel lost and so ridiculous for continuing this and for loving him more than I love myself.

Please be kind, I'm feeling rather downtrodden right now.

Quite simply op, he is neither loving or caring. Good, compassionate human beings do not string women who have feelings for them along. He's "happy to keep it casual?" Oh how very magnanimous of him. To give you scraps.

Seriously op. Love and like do not always have to intertwine but please stop telling yourself he is a good person. Because infact he is a shit one.

I wouldnt string my worst enemy along like he has you. He is not your friend and he does not have good intentions towards you. Find a way to dig deep, be brave and end it and go no contact.

Yup it’s definitely him. The only thing “wrong” with you is that you were vulnerable after an abusive relationship and got sucked in by this horrible man. You deserve so much better.

Can I suggest you look at doing The Freedom Programme online? It’s only about £15. It’ll help you recognise unhealthy relationships and behaviours early on. I agree with pp, block him, find some activity to fill the void. I think when you’ve got some distance from this you’ll realise just how badly he’s treating you.

Also from someone twice your age. There is no single person who is the one, and the only one for you. It's a romantic myth. The world is full of men, many of whom will make you laugh, feel beautiful and be on the same wave length as you. You think this one is The One because you haven't experienced many other relationships. But I promise you, what you get from him us not unique, it's the basics, and you will find it again (and maybe again and again) if you free yourself to do so.

@5128gap

Also from someone twice your age. There is no single person who is the one, and the only one for you. It's a romantic myth. The world is full of men, many of whom will make you laugh, feel beautiful and be on the same wave length as you. You think this one is The One because you haven't experienced many other relationships. But I promise you, what you get from him us not unique, it's the basics, and you will find it again (and maybe again and again) if you free yourself to do so.

Exactly and even if for arguments sake there was a "one" surely it can't be a guy who doesn't want to commit to you? That would totally defeat the point of a "one"

You muster all the strength you possibly can to cut him and his nonsense out of your life - because you should never, ever, ever settle for second best.

You are not in some Netflix film where there’s a happy ending - he’s a lowlife piece of shot who’s playing you and enjoying the power he has over you in some twisted way. I don’t know what issues he has but there’s something in his psyche that is fucked up.

Imagine you are someone close to you - your mum, sister, friend - and imagine you’re watching him do this to her. What would you tell her?

Block him on all social media. In fact, close your social media for a month and block his phone number.

Imagine him sitting on the loo with a poo hanging out of his bum. Not very attractive.

Have a look at the Grey Rock technique - someone on MN linked to it, it’s brilliant. Basically it means being completely disinterested in any drama he throws at you - one website here www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock#definition

Remember that this is not your fault. You are on the receiving end of some incredibly mean and manipulative behaviour and you absolutely have the power to put a stop to it and move onto a more healthy, happier relationship.