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Original poster

Am I overreacting? Online dating

39 replies

sunnyday24 · 02/07/2021 00:10

I’ve been speaking to a guy from OLD for 5ish months now. Thanks to covid and a fair bit of distance we have only been on 3 dates but during lockdown we used to FaceTime and call a fair bit. He was certainly keen, made it clear he was looking for a relationship and he was soooo funny, flirty and complimentary.

We’ve been on 3 dates now, one last week, and I really really enjoyed it. This week he’s been really off, and he apologised and said he’s been snowed under with work (he has had this a lot), is burnt out and isn’t happy with some things in his life at the moment. I don’t mind the slower replies - he’s had stressful times before and been slower at replying but just as interested. But now his flirty energy has completely dwindled, and I just feel like something is really off. I asked tonight if there was something up but he insists it’s not me.

I’m going away for 5 weeks soon so I offered to go and see him tomorrow and go for dinner. He lives about 1:30/2 hours away but I was happy to travel up there. He literally insisted that I don’t go, and that it would be absolute nonsense for me to travel that far just to see him.

I said I do really like him and I’m happy to do it and he said me saying I like him “sort of scares him a bit”. I decided to ask him what he’s actually looking for and he said definitely not casual and there’s potential for something down the line but we’ve only been on 3 dates. I agreed with this and said I don’t want anything yet either, but also pointed out we’ve been talking for 6 months. He used to say stuff like “I smile when I see your texts” and “we bounce off each other so much” literally months ago and now he says nothing like this and is freaking out at me saying I liked him. Am I being unreasonable here?

We were having a discussion about this and he just suddenly goes “I’m shattered, I’m going to bed, it’s midnight” and doesn’t even say goodnight and stops replying??

I do have a tendency to overthink but honestly his energy has shifted so so much this week. There’s zero flirting and he ignores pretty much any flirty message I send these days. Surely I’m not being unreasonable expecting a bit more? Or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
PickledCucumber · 02/07/2021 00:17

Sounds like he's got a distraction elsewhere - like an ex has has come back into his life again maybe. If a guy really likes you and has no others in the way, he'll pull out all the stops to see you or plead for you to come see him.

Sakurami · 02/07/2021 00:18

No you're not being unreasonable. He's changed. Fuck him off op

Original poster
sunnyday24 · 02/07/2021 00:19

I do think he has a lot going on to be fair, he seems really down as well, but he’s never pulled back quite so much. I really wanted to go and see him tomorrow as well but he says it’s not worth it and would feel guilty (we can’t meet in the middle this time as he is working late so I offered to meet him after work).

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 02/07/2021 00:20

I'd just back off. Maybe he IS just exhausted and can't deal with a relationship right now but it's unfair on you to just sit around and hope he changes his attitude. Go away on your 5 weeks, reply if he messages you but don't be overly keen and see if he suggests meeting up when you're back

Original poster
sunnyday24 · 02/07/2021 00:23

It’s bad when I see old texts and feel shit 😂 he was telling me months ago how much he fancied me and just generally being really enthusiastic

OP posts:
Palavah · 02/07/2021 00:25

I know it's annoying when you've been messaging for so long, but this sounds like a situation where you need to let him loose and assume he won't be back.

It's v common around the 3-6 date mark. I think a lot of guys have discovered that if they say they are stressed/have a lot going on then they get sympathy /dont get a tough time the way they might for a 'hard' letdown.

MorriseysGladioli · 02/07/2021 00:29

I can see both sides, because you have only had 3 dates.
It would be too personal to ask if you have dtd, but it also crossed my mind that some people can be absolutely lovely, then lose interest once that happens. (Perhaps I'm a lousy lay though!)

Original poster
sunnyday24 · 02/07/2021 00:30

I can definitely see his side and I’d never expect anything after 3 dates - but it’s the shift in enthusiasm that has thrown me! We haven’t dtd yet x

OP posts:
todaysdilemma · 02/07/2021 00:35

If as he says, it's 'only' 3 dates, then surely he should be trying to make his best impression and woo-ing you. Because it's not a done deal.

So if he's stopped all of that already, that means he isn't keen. He can't have it both ways - assume because it's 6 months of chatting, he can take you for granted now. AND tell you that he's scared because you told him you 'liked' him, as it's only 3 dates.

I would let him go. If someone is keen, then will do whatever it takes to see you/be with you/impress you. Definitely learnt that on OLD. Excuses are just that - you're not his gf to be taking on all the crap he has on his life. Don't do gf things for guys who aren't making any effort.

He isn't keen. Don't let him waste your time with sporadic dates and texts, as a filler item. Start dating others. If he comes back showing consistent and frequent effort, then consider dating him. Until then, ignore him.

MorriseysGladioli · 02/07/2021 00:36

Whatever his reasons, your best bet is to back off and see what happens.
Horrible though, I know.

Addicted2LuvIsland · 02/07/2021 00:37

Forget him. Honestly it sounds like you are being a bit full on after 3 dates. I know you have been talking for ages and it's easy to catch feelings that way, but those feelings are not based on anything other than chat etc. You are going away for 5 weeks. Just enjoy it. Really enjoy it. See what happens when you get back. You really don't need to have your head in your phone whilst trying to long distance it with someone else.

sunnyzweibrucken · 02/07/2021 01:59

I used to work 7 days a week, 10-14 hr days for months at a time and I still had time to text/call or spend an evening or two with the person I was dating. I would take 15 min breaks or call when I was driving home or right before bed. So I believe if someone is interested enough then they will push through the tiredness and make the effort. If anything being with someone new actually gave me more energy so the first few months of dating even with maybe 4hrs of sleep every night I still was hyped enough to squeeze in some texts/calls/FaceTime .

So go on holiday and if you don’t hear from him during that time you will get your answer as he should be really missing you while you’re away.

seensome · 02/07/2021 05:22

I would stop trying, you only wanted a date, the 4th in 5 months , that isn't asking too much and he can't manage that with you travelling to him, if that was me I would not be offering again.
Also you said he seems off in messaging you then your right to assume he's not that interested. It's frustrating when you've spent a long time in getting to know him but after this amount of time it should of progressed more by now anyway, theres no benefit to being a virtual gf anyway, it's just not the same as making the effort in real life and it's clear he isn't interested, sorry.
Hopefully when you're back after five weeks, there'll be some fresh people around to date, hopefully closer to you.

Lampan · 02/07/2021 06:44

Sounds like he’s not as keen as he was, for whatever reason. Don’t make excuses for him, nobody is too busy to text someone they like.
It’s horrible but unfortunately there’s nothing you can do to change how he feels. I think it’s time to move on.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 02/07/2021 06:49

It's fizzled out, for him anyway. Try not to be too sad. Texting relationships aren't solid, they really never are.

Blueskytoday06 · 02/07/2021 06:52

Don't chase him. It does sound like he's not that interested. He should just say but may be he feels obliged and plans on the slow fade. You have 2 options : wait while it plays out or take control and force the end / end it.

PixieKitten · 02/07/2021 06:54

Why try and have a relationship with somebody so far away? Is there nobody closer?

cutebutscary · 02/07/2021 06:59

Move on , he's lost interest , please don't chase him , just have a wonderful time away and draw a line under this relationship to leave you open to new possibilities, you deserve better

ThePurplePalace · 02/07/2021 07:05

If you’re interested in someone you make it happen. I think you might need to be more honest with yourself and admit you want more than he has to offer.

I imagine he’s in a relationship or perhaps a few situationships like this. 3 dates in 5 months… you deserve better Smile

porkincider · 02/07/2021 07:12

You’re off for 5 weeks so you wouldn’t see him for ages afterwards again anyway. I think long distance relationships can work but only if you’re both on the same page and really, really into each other which it doesn’t seem like you are.

The other thing is - have you slept with him yet? If you slept with him on the last date then that’s often the last you’ll hear from OLD men. Some men set out just to sleep with women then entirely lose interest once they have. Alternatively if you haven’t slept with him yet then maybe he thinks it’s not worth either of you travelling all that way or putting in all the effort to not know if he’ll ever sleep with you. The Catch 22 of OLD.

icelollycraving · 02/07/2021 07:14

Many men don’t want a relationship but love the ego boost of texting etc. I did OLD year ago and then I wanted to meet quickly etc. It’s easy to build up intimacy with someone you don’t know. Many of the ones cautious to meet are married or already in relationships. Yet very happy to message, exchange pics, sext etc.
Listen to what he’s telling you, which is basically you wanting to see him is freaking him out. Nope. You are worth more than that. Leave him to it, if he chases you then consider if he’s of interest to you. You have choices too.

ThatOtherPoster · 02/07/2021 07:57

We were having a discussion about this and he just suddenly goes “I’m shattered, I’m going to bed, it’s midnight” and doesn’t even say goodnight and stops replying??

I’m afraid this is over. If you’re hassling him late at night over text for not being romantic enough even though you’ve only been on 3 actual dates in 6 months, it’s over.

Limpshade · 02/07/2021 08:02

I agree with PP; it's fizzled out. This is far too much drama for a 5-month relationship: it's supposed to be the honeymoon period! He doesn't sound ready to be in a relationship, to be honest. He's telling you that himself through his behaviour.

ThatOtherPoster · 02/07/2021 08:36

The thing here was that you listened to his words and not his actions. Texts snd FaceTimes don’t mean anything if they’re not backed up with dates. Anyone who really likes anyone wants to see them in person. Next time, discount all the stuff that is said/texted/promised between dates and only pay attention to the actual dates.

MuckyPlucky · 02/07/2021 09:13

OP- I really sympathise with those horrid feelings of someone’s tone having changed so drastically whilst they’re still keeping you dangling. It’s easy to get into a trap of being nostalgic for the romantic way they used to interact with you, and to constantly question what happened to make that disappear. I’ve had similar happen to me. I suspect I put up with it due to low self-esteem/lack of assertiveness/wishful thinking that it would get better. But believe me it doesn’t get better.

It’s possible he’s currently depressed/having a v difficult time, and I’m the type to try to make allowances/be forgiving. However, as a PP said up-thread, the staying-beside-someone-through-depression stuff should only happen in longer term established relationships. If you stick around at this point in a new fling then you’re setting the benchmark low for the treatment you’ll put up with going forwards.

Easier said than done though, I know. I spend every day wishing I could take my own advice. But after a year and a half I still can’t, and each day that passes it gets harder to contemplate ending things for my own self-esteem.