Am I overreacting? Online dating

[sunnyday24]

I’ve been speaking to a guy from OLD for 5ish months now. Thanks to covid and a fair bit of distance we have only been on 3 dates but during lockdown we used to FaceTime and call a fair bit. He was certainly keen, made it clear he was looking for a relationship and he was soooo funny, flirty and complimentary.

We’ve been on 3 dates now, one last week, and I really really enjoyed it. This week he’s been really off, and he apologised and said he’s been snowed under with work (he has had this a lot), is burnt out and isn’t happy with some things in his life at the moment. I don’t mind the slower replies - he’s had stressful times before and been slower at replying but just as interested. But now his flirty energy has completely dwindled, and I just feel like something is really off. I asked tonight if there was something up but he insists it’s not me.

I’m going away for 5 weeks soon so I offered to go and see him tomorrow and go for dinner. He lives about 1:30/2 hours away but I was happy to travel up there. He literally insisted that I don’t go, and that it would be absolute nonsense for me to travel that far just to see him.

I said I do really like him and I’m happy to do it and he said me saying I like him “sort of scares him a bit”. I decided to ask him what he’s actually looking for and he said definitely not casual and there’s potential for something down the line but we’ve only been on 3 dates. I agreed with this and said I don’t want anything yet either, but also pointed out we’ve been talking for 6 months. He used to say stuff like “I smile when I see your texts” and “we bounce off each other so much” literally months ago and now he says nothing like this and is freaking out at me saying I liked him. Am I being unreasonable here?

We were having a discussion about this and he just suddenly goes “I’m shattered, I’m going to bed, it’s midnight” and doesn’t even say goodnight and stops replying??

I do have a tendency to overthink but honestly his energy has shifted so so much this week. There’s zero flirting and he ignores pretty much any flirty message I send these days. Surely I’m not being unreasonable expecting a bit more? Or am I overreacting?

Op if he really liked you he’d want to see you before he can’t for 5 weeks.
I wouldn’t initiate contact and if he contacts you don’t reply immediately. I don’t see this as game playing, your simply giving him the same effort he give you.
I think he may have another iron in the fire and someone else is getting the attention you used to.
Be busy doing your own thing don’t let him think you’re hanging around for him to text or call x

I'd just be extremely pissed off with him. He's strung you along for 6 months and is now being a dick, probably because he will need to dtd soon. I agree with pp who says theres loads of men about who just want online relationships for attention. It's all usually his fantasy you get sucked into. Is he married/ in a relationship?
Step away. Delete all the old chat, it does you no good to go over it. I always delete chat from messenger flirting straight away because I've learnt when it goes tits up it's an absolute headfuck to go over it.

You're doing all the work for him and you're not giving him any space to chase you or realise if he really likes you or not.
And how are you supposed to know if he's being serious about you if you don't allow him to show any effort?

I would really tone it down if I was you and see how he is with you. It's OK to be overtired or not in a mood occasionally but it should not be a pattern where he uses it as an excuse not to engage with you most of the time.

I think you should just go cool, because a) he's upsetting you right now & you don't need that and more does your self-esteem/pride and b) because if you suddenly become more unobtainable he might chase you again (if he's interested - & if he isn't, he won't chase & you'll have your answer without expending more emotional energy than you need to).

I don’t think you are overthinking, you are possibly under thinking though. You may feel like this is a five month relationship, but it isn’t, it’s a three date one. And it sounds like he has decided the chemistry is not there in person. This is why it is not a great idea to have a lot of online contact without meeting up, as it can make you invest emotionally, obviously during these times, it is understandable. I would leave it now, enjoy your time away and write this down as a nice little diversion that got you through a boring lockdown.

I’d sack him off - he hasn’t been very nice to you, and three dates in is very early in the courtship phrase (for want of a better word) and he should be making some freaking effort - it sounds like you are!

Get back on the dating apps is my advice! It will distract you at least…..

Op, with kindness , this is only a 3 date relationship. FaceTiming and calling is not a relationship when , it is how you start. If you were together yrs and yrs and one of you working away for a time, yes. Just met, no!

"We were having a discussion about this and he just suddenly goes “I’m shattered, I’m going to bed, it’s midnight” and doesn’t even say goodnight and stops replying??"

It was midnight!!! You do not have these kinds of discussions at midnight. He was probably tired and no longer wanted to discuss.

Op, you are going away now for 5 weeks, i would leave this there now. When you come back, focus on forming a relationship with someone closer to home and with whom you will actually see, once restrictions ease in July. Personally, this is not a relationship, it has no legs and is going no where. Not sure why you were the one offering to travel the 1 and half hours for one last visit either . It is as if you cannot see the bus coming.

Op, with respect, this connection is a total waste of your time and his lack of response is telling you, the midnight conversation was effectively your last. Pls stop contacting him now. He is ignoring yr flirty messages, stop sending them. If you were male and he were female and , ignoring those flirty messages, you would be advised to stop sending forthwith. It is not appropriate now and he clearly does not want them. I am sorry OP but leave it there and start dating again when you return. Long distance, OLD , only met 3 times in 5 mths has disaster written all over it. Let it go. Sorry OP.

I think after the 3rd date last week he realised that you weren't for him. This happens and he is probably still chatting to other women too as you are just dating. Dont beat yourself up about it as this is what dating is all about, seeing various people to see who fits the best for you. My advise is find someone closer and get to see them very soon after initial contact and keep in face to face contact.

I also think the 3rd date might have made him feel as if there was no real connection. Texting isn't a relationship so any comments from him are about his perception of you. There is no substitute for real life.

You offered to see him despite it being no inconvenience to him and he turned you down. As disappointing as it is, time to move on. Don't dwell on it just try not to get involved until you are meeting in real life.

Enjoy your time away, hope it's somewhere exciting.

OP, do yourself a favor and block him on everything and delete his number. This guy has now shown you he is not that interested in you. It has nothing to do with you and says more about his behavior. He is being rude by not telling you outright that he has already moved on to someone else. Keeping you on the backburner is evidence of disrespect for your time and attention.

I would also recommend you read the Female Dating Strategy sub on Reddit. Start with their handbook. I think it will help you out a lot. It will help you to avoid wasting time with unworthy men who play games and will also help you reduce the amount of heratbreak you are faced with while dating.

Good luck.

Don't question yourself. He's doing and saying things in an inconsistent way. He makes you feel good, then he makes you feel bad.

After 3 dates.

Even if it's because he is overwhelmed in other aspects of his life, do you want to be involved in a man who has such fluctuating levels of interest in you?

It doesn't have to be that you're judging him negatively, or that he's done anything wrong, but he's not giving you what you want, is he. He's not displaying behaviours and responses that make you think he really wants to be with you. He's not demonstrating that he's in your corner, consistently. He's in his own corner, and you need to be in yours.

Instead of finding somebody who says nice things to you, find somebody who does nice things for you. And preferably, before it's anybody else, let that person be you.

Whatever the reason behind, he is not going to make you happy. Move on

The fact it's going sooo slowly is probably because he is somebody else in his life

Tbh, restrictions are easing, people are meeting up again, there is a feeling of getting back towards normal. Living 2 hrs apart isn't an issue when you can't meet anyway, but makes a relationship significantly less appealing when social lives are getting busier again. Perhaps he has realised the effect of the distance?