What are, or were your priorities when looking for a partner and, if partnered, did you stick to them?

[bathsh3ba]

I'm interested to know what people think are the most important things when deciding whether to form a serious relationship with someone. I know mine have changed over time, but I follow them pretty solidly now, having learned from experience. If you are in a LTR, does your partner meet the top priorities?

My priorities are:

1. Shared values.
2. Demonstrates trustworthiness over time.
3. Demonstrates kindness over time.
4. Is intelligent enough for conversations about things that interest me.
5. Is financially stable.
6. Mutual attraction

I'm seeing someone at the moment who so far ticks all the boxes, but 2/3 need longer to be borne out and we aren't in a LTR yet.

Kindness
Shared values
Sexual attraction and high sex drive
Interesting/clever

And a strange one to some but it was really important to me that my dh had his own hobbies and interests and friends. I feel its quite unhealthy to be constantly tied at the hip, I need to see my friends and needed someone who had their own friends as I hate the feeling of someone relying on me and becoming dependent on me for all their happiness. I was really happy about dh mountain biking hobby, he rides every Sunday morning, he doesn't put it above important things, he doesn't prioritise it over our family, but it is important to him and I encourage him to go out with his friends and ride. I've even tried it out a few times!

My priorities are
Integrity
Reliability
Loyalty
Hard working
Kindness
Must be self sufficient

This is what I've learnt is important to me after my ex, he wasn't these things.
I haven't found my next partner yet but I'm sticking to my principles.

I wanted the usual, kindness, good communication, intelligent etc. I also wanted someone who has a similar attitude to alcohol as me, someone with similar priorities regarding money. I didn’t want someone obsessed with sport/hobbies or computer games. Basically, I was looking for someone I found easy to live with and I found that in my DH.

Intelligent
Interesting
Fun
Funny
Honest
Fair
Not sexist
Empathetic
Supportive
Equal

And my new boyfriend is everything above and more.

My key priorities were kindness and intelligence, then trustworthiness, dry wit, shared values and interests, an attraction that wouldn't burn out after a year. within minutes of DH for the first time I was thinking, 'That's a face I wouldn't get bored of when he is old and grey.'

I’ve had some ridiculous priorities (and ridiculous relationships) over the years, but mine now would be….

Kind person
Intelligent
Free-thinker/non-judgemental
Non-materialistic
Funny and fun
Handsome (to me anyway - it’s subjective)
High sex drive and into the same type of sex as me.

Current fella seems to tick all the boxes, but it takes years to show us a man sometimes, so we’ll see…..

Bangable, Kind/generous, good earning potential, trustworthy, same life goals/values.

Current DP is all of the above :)

Also to add : while I value things like wit, intelligence etc I can always get that sort of conversation from other people. So I don’t care if a DP is dull as long as he is intelligent enough to match me. DP does nothing but watch TV and game, which I very much like 😇

All my friends that have lists like these are all single for some reason 😬

Oh also to add - believes in equality and acts it. No female mental load nonsense in my house if he doesn’t want to do it he pays someone else . I’m not cleaning up after him

@HappyCamperT5

All my friends that have lists like these are all single for some reason 😬

Maybe because they know what they want and won’t put up with anything less? Judging by all th threads on here if more people had a list and stuck to it we’d see a lot less moaning about their shitty DP’s

I met my H at 18, so really at that point, didn't have a clear idea of what I was looking for. The qualities I really value though, are: Loyal, Hard working, Funny, Stable, Willing to learn/change

On the flip side, I have learned to live with...slightly emotionally repressed, occasionally grumpy, differing political views...all of which I have found hard at different points, but, marriage and relationships are about compromise and we have made it work, and are very happy together.

Be aware that both of you can change over the years ... shared hobbies and interests was hugely important to me (& we met over a shared hobby) but DH has dropped many of our shared hobbies.

However separate interests, friendships are good, I couldn't bear to be 'joined at the hip' to my DH.

Similar values/life experience is very important - boring but true, having a fairly similar family background is also helpful. Similar attitudes to finance is essential, we are both fairly cautious about spending and neither of us would splurge on luxuries just for the sake of it ... in over 30 years of marriage I can honestly say we've never argued over money.

Low sex drive would have been ideal for me ... joking apart, sexual compatibility is very important and has been the most difficult issue throughout our marriage ...

Very good communication is the main thing for me. When I was younger I thought communication just meant 'talking about stuff', I didn't realise it also meant being able to listen to and understand each other. ExH and I fail horribly at this. We frequently have to explain something 4 or 5 times before the other one gets it! Otoh my BF is very much on the same wavelength as me and I never have to explain myself to him.
Shared values and similar approach to spending/saving money, as others have said.
I know other people have said about not wanting to be joined at the hip - some hobbies and meeting friends is fine but I want to be in a relationship with someone I can share my life with so I would want us to spend the majority of our free time doing stuff together.
Good dad and potential to be a good stepdad who will treat my dcs with kindness and respect. No Disney dads, no deadbeat dads.

When I was 17 I told my friends I needed someone who was intelligent, musical and a Christian.

They were horrified, and said "but what if you fall in love with someone who isn't?" Were even more horrified when I said I wouldn't allow things to get that far

Oddly enough, at the time I was wasting a lot of time on a crush on a boy who was quite definitely an atheist. (He was intelligent and musical, though... still quite cute according to Google) Possibly I thought I'd persuade him otherwise, killing two birds with one stone I suppose (ah, the simplicity of youth).

I didn't think to specify things like integrity, loyalty, kindness because it never occurred to me that I'd be interested in a man who didn't show that.

One of the things I filtered out immediately was anyone who didn't want to bring up a family. I do remember saying that if a man were scared off by the subject then it just meant I wasn't wasting my time

I only went for people I found attractive, and only bothered with people who enjoyed laughing with me, preferably making me laugh. I liked strong-minded people with interesting ideas (which explains both the atheist and the communist).

I found a loyal, kind, intelligent, musical, witty, honest, solvent, attractive, strong-minded man from a social background not far removed from my own who wanted children and had been brought up in the church (which was close enough, by the time I was 20). Been married 29 years.

Actually, just realised I could have saved a lot of time there by saying "I wanted someone like my Dad, and I found one."

i was so very young and the only qualities on my list were family, health, and work ethic.

I didn’t have a list as such. My first boyfriend and I were together 2.5 years and he showed me what I didn’t want in a partner. I can’t do excessively clingy or romantic. I don’t do PDA or constant touching.

DH is kind, generous, funny, light-hearted, loyal charismatic… He’s also really annoying and likes to push my buttons. I’m fine with that because I like pushing his too. We can have a laugh at our own and each other’s expense and we are both equally standoffish in public towards each other. He’s slightly more touchy feely but he understands that I’m not so doesn’t take offence when I don’t want lots of hugs.

For the most part, our values and beliefs are the same but them being slightly different wouldn’t bother me as long as we were both respectful of the other when discussing them.

I didn’t go into our relationship ticking boxes to see if we could go long term. It just felt right and I was comfortable and happy with him. He also responded correctly when I told him I was very unexpectedly pregnant with DD1. We’ve been together 8 years now and married nearly 3. Still love him just as much.

For me it was:

• same religious values
• intelligent
• family orientated
• determined to make a career and not just skate along
• good sex drive
• makes me laugh
• not a party boy etc
• generous
• always there for people

Dh meets every one of those and so so much more

I didn't think to specify things like integrity, loyalty, kindness because it never occurred to me that I'd be interested in a man who didn't show that.

interesting point, it would be great if everyone showed their true colours straight away unfortunately some of us learn the hard way of getting to know them and finding out that aren't such nice people. I'll be taking my time to get to know someone much longer than I did before.

Similar to most peoples lists really

Honest
Kind to themself and others
Looks after and loves themself
Has drive/passion for something like a hobby
Fairly intelligent
Supportive
Good communicator (including the awkward stuff)
Similar general values/life goals
Vegetarian
Fairly active and outdoorsy
Nice bum

I’d rather be alone than be with someone who wasn’t right for me, having certain needs in a relationship doesn’t make you picky, it shows that you value and love yourself.

My list went out the window when I met dh.

Occasionally there are particular qualities that cross my mind but I’d rather have dh just as he is, than a perfect list man.

Dh isn’t perfect but he also has qualities I never thought about before I met him.

I think it might be more useful to have a negative list (of things you won’t tolerate) rather than a list of essential qualities.

Single and emotionally available.


Honest. Has integrity, to himself and others. Not afraid to tell me ugly/unsavoury things. Doesn't just tell me what I want to hear to give himself an easy life.


Passionate; has a skill or hobby.
 Won't be relying on me for entertainment weekend plans etc

Not obsessed with travelling. I hate it.

Understands that men and women can react differently to stuff. Hedoesn'thave to agree with reaction just understand that there’s another person/gender who has a completely different experience of the same reality.(Common ex. Strip clubs, emotional affairs) 


No victim mentality, does not despair when faced with challenges.

Ability to bounce back after set backs and knocks. Has resilience. Turns situations to his advantage.


Takes decisive action but doesn't act on impulse. Considers and understands consequences of actions.


Same opinion as me of what constitutes infidelity.


Patient & hard working in all aspects of his life


Early riser / does not spendlarge chunks of weekend in bed


Health conscious but not health nut


Does not seek conflict but is not afraid of it


Intelligent and intellectually curious


Financially stable, secure and sensible/balanced with money. 


Can organise himself, his life, admin etc


Can drive and has car. 


Short fingernails, no beardy beards, good general hygiene, table manners, doesn't chew with mouth open, eat loudly, smack food around mouth etc


Good in a crisis. Does not crumble, flap, retreat etc


Requires me to have all of these traits, too. Wants woman of same standards


Respectful and considerate of others
 - doesn't judge their opinions, their jobs, choices etc

Sexual alchemy. Couple of insecurities but overallsexual confidence


Communicates important things face to face, does not hide behind text. (also does not generally communicate via text...or emojis)


Is not constantly in his phone, on social media etc.


Can dostuff (cars, DIY, house, etc etc). Not a deal breaker though.


Believer of women's equality and right to live equally in the world. Not necessarily campaigner but doesn't hold hostile views on single women choosing to have baby alone for example


Non smoker


Handles his own mistakes well. Can face them.


Has spent a reasonable chunk of his adult life single / has not always been in couples. Also not a deal breaker though.


Knows who he is and is not easily influenced depending on who is around. 


Does not put tinsel on Christmas tree. Or coloured lights. Or flashing lights of any kind. No inflatable Santa clauses either. 







Respect and consideration

I didn't have a list - I met DH when I was fresh out of an abusive relationship though so subconsciously I must have been looking for the opposite of my ex.

Kind
Considerate
Consistent
Reliable
Funny
Genuinely loving
Not violent/manipulative/abusive/controlling
Interested and hands on parent
Similar values
Patient
Not jealous

I was very lucky with DH. He was everything on this list and more.