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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

End of marriage but fucked up

34 replies

ohhballs · 30/06/2021 22:06

Was reaching the end of an emotionally abusive 15 year marriage and found out my husband had spent the last year cheating on me so ended things and he moved straight out.

Not my finest moment but 2 days later I reconnected with someone from my past and slept with them.

Period due today and no sign which isn't too unusual but thought I would take a test anyway and oh shit there's the faintest line. Have taken a second one and it also has a faint line.

In all likelihood it's not husbands. Can't remember when i last slept with him but probably a couple of weeks before other guy.

I know I can't keep it so need to sort that out. Not sure how medical abortions work at the minute but think they'll post them out for you?

Also wasn't going to tell the guy but is this morally wrong? Does he deserve to know?

I felt so free and like I'd finally made a good decision in my life ending my marriage and now I feel like I've made a really stupid decision and made everything even harder

OP posts:
Charliecatpaws · 30/06/2021 22:09

If circumstances don’t suit you and you have no intention of keeping the baby, I see no reason why you should tell the bloke. Sorry that you have found yourself in this situation

WillYouDoTheFandango · 30/06/2021 22:11

I wouldn’t tell him either.

namcybotwinbloom · 30/06/2021 22:12

Neither would I.

SoMuchForSummerLove · 30/06/2021 22:16

Nobody needs to know as there will be no baby.

Good luck with everything Thanks

pickingdaisies · 30/06/2021 22:17

Agree with charliecatpaws, no need to tell anyone if you aren't going to keep it. Be a little kinder to yourself, it sounds like you've been through an awful time.

category12 · 30/06/2021 22:18

Don't tell the guy - no point.

Original poster
ohhballs · 30/06/2021 22:19

Ok this makes me feel better thanks . First instincts were not to say anything but then I suddenly felt guilty that maybe that was the wrong thing to do

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/06/2021 22:21

I wouldn’t tell him. What would either of you have to gain from him knowing?

freeandfierce · 30/06/2021 22:24

I agree, don't disclose. Don't feel bad about what you did, it was a perfectly normal reaction to the end of your marriage. I did some crazy things after ending an abusive 28 year marriage. Look after yourself Flowers

WhoDidAndWhy · 30/06/2021 22:26

Nope - I would not tell him either. No need.

Good luck OP. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine · 30/06/2021 22:30

You don't have to tell him if you're planning to terminate anyway.

Don't be so hard on yourself, you've been through a lot and these things happen.

Original poster
ohhballs · 30/06/2021 22:32

I'm pissed off as I felt like further down the line, once my divorce is firmly out of the way; that there could have been potential for us but now il always have this looming over me

OP posts:
namcybotwinbloom · 30/06/2021 22:34

Op your divorce is just something that is happening alongside your current life.

Don't let that bear on your future.

Do what is right for you.

category12 · 30/06/2021 22:40

@ohhballs

I'm pissed off as I felt like further down the line, once my divorce is firmly out of the way; that there could have been potential for us but now il always have this looming over me
Only if you let it loom over you.

If it's not the right time then it's just not, and there's no telling this would have been a viable pregnancy anyway. Just do what you need to do and don't beat yourself up about it.

LunaAndHer3Stars · 30/06/2021 22:43

Do what's right for you OP. If that's an abortion, there's no reason to tell the guy now or in the future. If you feel you need support please reach out. Conversely if you don't it's ok not to tell a soul. There's no rights or wrongs here, it's what's right for you and what you need that matter.

Frannibananni · 30/06/2021 22:45

Nobody needs to know.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 01/07/2021 07:46

@ohhballs

I'm pissed off as I felt like further down the line, once my divorce is firmly out of the way; that there could have been potential for us but now il always have this looming over me
This suggests to me what you sort of want to tell him in the hope that he'll be thrilled and the pair of you can immediately embark on a relationship. No-one can tell you that won't be the case - it might well - but I suspect it's unlikely. At this stage, I'd have a termination and I wouldn't tell him.
Original poster
ohhballs · 01/07/2021 08:05

Oh god that's definitely not what I'm thinking. I'm having the termination. I just feel like if something does become of us down the line, then I've hidden this huge thing. It's all just a mess but I know what I need to do

OP posts:
66babe · 01/07/2021 08:13

Don't automatically assume you can receive Medical Abortion pills by post
You need a Consultation first and then the medical and emotional assessment will decide if you are suitable for that treatment or not
Give Bpas a call , they will let you know which provider your CCG uses and give you an appointment probably for a telephone consultation.. take it from there
Have you considered all of your options already ? Spoke to close family / friends about the situation
If you are sure you want TOP then it can be quite straightforward
Good luck 💐

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 01/07/2021 08:26

Apologies for misunderstanding, @ohhballs. Do what you need to so and don't be hard on yourself.

PyjamaFan · 01/07/2021 08:28
Flowers

Hope it all goes well OP.

bathsh3ba · 01/07/2021 08:32

Sorry, but personally I disagree that it is okay to not discuss an abortion with the potential father. Ultimately it's your decision but he at least deserves to know. I know this is a hugely unpopular opinion on Mumsnet but I'm going to say it anyway, an abortion affects three people, not just the woman. That's not to say it's not sometimes the right thing to do, but I don't agree that it's nothing to do with anyone else.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 01/07/2021 09:02

OP, if you’re worried about this ruining a potential relationship with new guy, you could think of it this way; you’re not certain it’s his and not your stbxh’s. Even if he might potentially be onboard, you understandably feel the timing is not right for you. If you want a termination, you don’t need anyone else’s permission. I really think it’s ok to keep this to yourself to save a lot of stress and heartbreak on top of going through the breakup of your marriage.

Sakurami · 01/07/2021 09:08

Hi lovely. I understand you thinking that if you don't tell him, there will always be this secret if the relationship progresses.

So here is your chance to talk to him. The way he supports you will be telling.

I know I could tell my boyfriend anything and he would support me. Even my shitty exes would have supported me.

SuperstoreFan · 01/07/2021 09:55

@Sakurami

Hi lovely. I understand you thinking that if you don't tell him, there will always be this secret if the relationship progresses.

So here is your chance to talk to him. The way he supports you will be telling.

I know I could tell my boyfriend anything and he would support me. Even my shitty exes would have supported me.

From the sounds of it he's not a boyfriend though? I wouldn't tell him.
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