Dating help for a man

[feeficken]

Hello,

So I am dipping my toes into OLD and need a little help, oh this is so sad lol but I guess I need to get some advice from somewhere.

Basically met my wife through a friend and we were childhood sweethearts (or so I thought) and we where together over 20 years. We’ve now separated and I’ve decided to give the OLD a go see if I can connect with someone. I’m only in my late 30s.

I’m an average looking guy no stunner lol but what I don’t have in looks I make up in personality (affectionate, loyal, dependable, independent etc) problem is I’ve never “chatted” up a woman or approached another woman in that way so I am totally lost! I missed out on all that.

So when messaging what are you ladies looking for? I try to ask questions about the person ask about their interests and stuff to try and see if we can click and to keep the chat going while offering some details about myself. I guess I worry about coming off a bit boring lol

Better to come across boring than a total dickhead player with his brain down his boxers
Be yourself , be totally honest , watch out for the horrible side of OLD that men have to put up with too ... fakes , scammers , gold diggers
Have fun , take things easy .. good luck

If you makes you feel better I avoid the men that look like they love themselves, the posey ones with their bodies on show, I judge them to be players, maybe unreasonable of me but I think other women must feel the same, I'd match someone who had nice eyes or hair, smile, something about them not necessarily the stunner.
Just be yourself, some you will click with, others you won't, I don't think you have to worry about chatting them up, OLD makes it easy, you match so you know you already like the look of each other, if they are interested then they'll keep the conversation going, if not delete and next.

What struck me with my current DP who I met online was that he was careful not to bother me (so not too insistent or getting shirty if I couldn't reply straight away) and he was also genuinely interested in what I said and asked follow up questions.

So not just bringing everything back to himself. I find actually very few people remember to do this even though it sounds simple.

So for example, when I said I'd just got back from x exercise class, he asked about it, what I got out of it, how long I'd been doing it, etc.

Rather than just replying "oh well I go running".

I also think your personality will come across in your messages so no need to start bombarding me with a description of yourself like in your OP affectionate, loyal, dependable, independent etc

Good luck !

My chap’s profile has a few photos that drew me. He’d not be described as good looking by anyone but I’m attracted to him. His photos were him doing a sport (I liked that he had his own hobby so wouldn’t live in my pocket), a photo of him somewhere in Europe (likes to travel a bit) and one of him laughing drinking a beer (fun). His profile was very laid back and friendly. He didn’t list any “no’s” which is off putting though mentally he had a list of no’s as we all do.

When chatting with chaps before I met him, got openers that put me off were…

“Hi Edited, how was your day” too dull
“Hi sexy, you’ve got nice lips” fuck off
“Hello you”. I don’t want to date Leslie Phillips.

My chap’s message picked up on some jokey things I’d put in my profile and sparked conversation from there.

Good luck!

^had not has. 5 years in he definitely still doesn’t have a dating profile

Be yourself
Don't ask for sexy photos or send any. Real women don't want these
Be funny if you can, we like funny
Nice photos
Look in your own age range
Arrange to meet sooner rather than months of messaging
Talk on the phone sooner rather than lots of texts. Everyone does this so be the different one
Good luck, you come across as lovely☺️

Some good advice here thanks. I went into this telling myself that I’d only be myself and I defiantly wouldn’t send any pics with top it or any of my parts either 😆 wtf is wrong with people.

I do always have a look at the profile and try to run with something on that…. Oh I see your into your films, any particular favourites? Or so your into cooking? What’s your signature dish. You know that sort of stuff.

I do keep away from the the buzz words about myself (loyal etc etc) and all that I think it come across quite cheesy tbh.

OLD is tricky to get your personality across but try and be laid back and amusing. Ask questions and be interested in the person. Don't be afraid of putting your age range lower - my brother had substantially better luck when he lowered his search age parameters.

Don't lie about your height and use a recent photo! Also no pics with giant fish or drugged up tigers.

If you can, run your messages through a decent spell checker first and watch out for things like the difference between "your" and "you're" as people who don't know you can make snap judgements based on little things like that, simply as that's all they have to go on, not seeing you in person.

Read the other person's profile carefully and maybe try to make comments that show you are also interested in the subjects, such as "See you're into films, do you listen to the Wittertainment podcast by any chance?" or "I've been trying out vegan recipes lately, how about you?"

I also like a nice friendly photo with a smile. If you have one taken by someone else it gives a better impression than all selfies.

Oh, and if you have a made-up user name, don't use that one.

Agree with most of what’s been written already.

For me, meeting up sooner rather than later helps to avoid building a false rapport that isn’t there in real life. No point wasting weeks chatting to someone only to find that you don’t click in real life. So be open to a few nice chats and then saying how about a coffee one day next week or something - first date should be quick and public, so that she feels comfortable and can knock it on the head after half an hour if it’s not working for her - Or indeed you. One guy invited me to his house to meet his kids as a first date! Then when that didn’t work out he suggested I go round and he’d make me cocktails. Offering to get a woman drunk in your home for a first date isn’t a good look . When I pointed it out to him he realised what a bad idea it sounded but men just don’t have to think about that stuff.

Remember that a man’s worst nightmare on a first date is that his date is less attractive than her profile pic. A woman’s is that she’ll be raped and/or murdered. Bear that in mind in all your interactions!

There are certain things that put me off men such as bad grammar, overuse of emojis, calling me hun - -or too many LOLs- - etc but if that’s who you are then it’s better to just be yourself because others will be fine with it. Don’t blather on about your ex (especially if she’s a “psycho” or somehow crazy - you’ll just come across obsessed) - so many men on OLD think that being bitter and cynical about women is somehow going to get them anywhere.

What first drew me to my DP was a nice close up of his face (so I didn’t have to guess what he looked like from some fuzzy-focus cropped pic in a pub with a pint and a fag), perfect spelling and grammar, the fact that he said he could cook, and that he didn’t like football We had a couple of messages back and forth and then met up for a drink, which turned to dinner, more drinks, a taxi home and the rest is history! When it works it works, but it’s a numbers game so just plough on, keep it light and see it more like a hobby than a job interview - if you’re enjoying dating rather than desperately trying to get it over with, you’ll be more fun and interesting.

I find men on OLD often come across quite strangely in the way they write their messages. Some just put "hi" and expect you to strike up a conversation, which comes across as such a half arsed effort and like they just copy and paste "hi" to every single women they see on there.

Others write an essay about themselves with a few generic questions which comes across as very copy and pasted.

Some write in a very flippant/overly nonchalant, "try and impress me then" kind of style. Examples might be "what's the craziest thing you've ever done," "so, what's on your bucket list," and so on. It sounds very odd.

You came across as really nice and likeable in your post, just write like that and how you would to someone you actually know - in a chatty, friendly way, not like it's a job interview, firing questions and trying to come over as incredibly cool and nonchalant. If it's clear that you're genuinely looking for a relationship and you're interested in them as a person, I'm certain that you'll have plenty of people who are keen to meet you!

Good luck! I hope you find someone!

OP I’m not sure how the app works now but when I joined tinder, I set my profile as looking for women so I could see how other women presented themselves, to give me ideas about my own profile. I vowed never to turn myself into Bambi with butterflies in my hair using filters, or demand that men are always immaculately presented in luxury clothing and drive a luxury brand car. I do wonder if that woman got any matches. That said, some men do seem attracted to high maintenance women!

When you do meet up with women and you don't feel it , be polite and text something later like " Thanks it was lovely to meet you but I don't feel as if we are a match ( or similar) . Don't just be a 👻

Make sure you are definitely ready for dating and have given yourself plenty of time to heal from your split. Sometimes I have found periods of being on my own good for me and have enjoyed the peace and tranquility. Do you have kids? OLD can be brutal so be careful!

Thanks everyone some great suggestions that I’ll take on board. I am often mindful that a woman needs to be extra cautious on a first date so would always make it somewhere informal like coffee at a coffee shop. I’m quite a honest person maybe too honest and have said in the past look of you don’t feel this is working or we’re clicking don’t feel bad if you want to leave, sometimes it’s just not meant to be. I’d hate the thought of a woman sitting there feeling uncomfortable and just not into it.

Treating it like a hobby is a good idea and keeping it light rather than being on search for the one is something I’ll take on board, I guess the one comes along when they come along and you never know when lightning will strike.

I think I need to figure out when it’s right to ask if they would like to meet I alway worry if I do I’ll come across as too keen to quickly.

Have kids but they are all grown up.

You could just say that you prefer to meet in person rather than chatting for long, as chatting doesn't give a good idea of what people are really like.

If you do set your age range a bit younger that's fine - just not the dreaded "18-55" type range, where you are 55, bleurgh

As others say, have a phone call or video early on, you'll know when that is as a few messages will flow.

Don't assume dates will be "the one" as if it doesn't work out you'll fell disappointed. Every date I had helped me work put what I wanted/didn't want

I also met some lovely people so in all a positive experience. I was really glad I did a video date with one man who was absolutely nothing like his photos so would recommend that.

Well you’re coming across well on the messages on this forum so just be yourself! Don’t take it seriously, dating should be fun! When I was single I really enjoyed it and put no pressure on myself to be a certain way. Don’t play games - ‘she took 7 hours to respond so I’m not going to respond for a while’, etc. I liked men showing an interest and being into me, but hated overly keen, it comes across pushy and desperate.

My main turn offs with chatting to men online:

• if they are too smooth, charming or cheesy and use ‘lines’.
• if they use loads of emojis, especially the girly ones (🐵🙈🙉🙊🥰😝😍👯‍♀️) .. makes you feel like you’re talking to a 12 year old.

Enjoy!!

I agree with everyone,
However I just wondered if you are actually ready to date as in over your split? Tbh I do OLD and steer well clear of men who are separated rather than divorced. Good luck though.

Honestly? A profile with poor spelling, punctuation or grammar puts me off immediately. Why don’t men check it!

@coronaway

OLD is tricky to get your personality across but try and be laid back and amusing. Ask questions and be interested in the person. Don't be afraid of putting your age range lower - my brother had substantially better luck when he lowered his search age parameters.

This can be hugely bad advice depending what you’re looking for . If you want someone your own age or similar I know many don’t respond to men who are looking for women way younger than them . It can be a real red flag that the man is seeking youth and values that in women rather than things that matter . Brings up lots of questions about sexism and mysogyny. Also makes many women wonder whether the man would discard you if an opportunity with a younger version came along . And no I wouldn’t say the same to a woman who set her age preference lower because men have not traditionally been prejudiced and discriminated against for being the exact same age and the type of looks / age based double standard doesn’t penalise men

I would agree a bit younger is fine though as is a bit older but just not those guys who expect a woman hugely younger