Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He still pines after his ex

49 replies

Mensuck · 30/06/2021 13:11

Hi so I’ve been dating this guy for 11 months, things have been going great or so I thought. Our sex life is great, we spend time together, we’re always laughing and have a great connection. We have spoken at the future at length and we plan to move closer to his little boy. All in all I really thought this was it, I’m so in love with him.

I will admit I am very insecure and he does spend a lot of time with his child’s mother, days out, when he visits he stays just because it’s a long journey. I’ve told him I am uncomfortable with it but I understand the position he’s in.

He fell asleep yesterday watching the football on his phone, it was unlocked so I went through it. I went through their conversation and there was nothing untoward. I don’t know why but I searched her name on WhatsApp and it pulled up a conversation with his best friend. He’s talking about his ex and he said she is the best sex he’s ever had, he said he’s still very attracted to her, how beautiful she is and they have an amazing connection. I locked the phone after that because I felt sick.

I honestly don’t know how to bring it up, I know I shouldn’t of looked because I found something. He was so cheery this morning before he went to work but I feel like he’s cheated? Do I just tell him?

OP posts:
MindTheBumps · 30/06/2021 13:13

oh that is really tough, I wouldn't be playing runner up to anyone though. If these messages were sent during your relationship then bin him and move on.

11 months is no time really.

Original poster
Mensuck · 30/06/2021 13:24

Yeah he sent these messages 2 weeks ago. I stupidly trusted him

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 30/06/2021 13:26

Agree with pp that if they were sent during the relationship with you then I'd dump him and move on. Theres no really any getting past shit like that and I wouldn't want to be runner up.

Sexlife · 30/06/2021 13:27

Nah, don’t be sloppy seconds to anyone! Have you watched sex/life? Not to dissimilar.

Sunshineandflipflops · 30/06/2021 13:31

This is tricky because I might say things about my bf to a close friend that I would never intend for him to hear and doesn't mean I don't love him. Sometimes you just need to talk about things.

My ex husband was the love of my life and I know i will never feel close to what I felt for him for half of my life for anyone else. Would I tell my bf that? No, because that doesn't mean i don't love him and want to get back with my ex husband who ultimately cheated on me, although we do get on well these days.

You must have had doubts about your bf to be looking at his phone so telling him you breached his trust and looked at his messages to find what you found would be the end for me I'm afraid. The problem is, your only choices now are to forget you saw what you did (not easy) or admit you looked and what you found and risk him ending things.

Sunshineandflipflops · 30/06/2021 13:32

Or to end things based on what you saw, obviously, but then he would still know you'd looked.

MissSmiley · 30/06/2021 14:01

@Mensuck did his ex instigate the split?

Bluntness100 · 30/06/2021 14:04

It’s not working, the fact you took his phone when he was sleeping is beyond disturbing behaviour and what he’s saying is even worse, you’re just a compromise, second best. End it and move on. This will eat you up.

DinosaurDiana · 30/06/2021 14:06

Time to get out and find someone that wants you, not who’s using you until she clicks her fingers.

trevthecat · 30/06/2021 14:09

I was in a situation like this a few years back (more like 10 years!) I knew something wasn't right, looked on his phone and there it was, a convo with a friend. I ended things, I didn't tell him what I saw. I just said I felt like it wasn't working.

He's married to the ex now!

trevthecat · 30/06/2021 14:10

I was in a similar situation about 10 years ago. I knew something wasn't right, checked, same thing, convo with a friend. I ended things, just said it wasn't working.

He's married to the ex now!

StillCalmX · 30/06/2021 14:11

I wouldnt tell him you saw. What is the point?
You say your insecure anyway. Staying with him confirms your not good enough belief.

DeeCeeCherry · 30/06/2021 14:12

You looked through his phone after already knowing but not accepting, that you are second best. You can tell him if you like but it makes no difference.

trevthecat · 30/06/2021 14:12

Sorry it said it hadn't posted and had to write it again!!

Maggiesfarm · 30/06/2021 14:23

Don't get involved with someone who has a young child. There are other men out there who have no children.

If he's talking about his ex being the best sex ever, do you really need that?

"I know I shouldn’t of looked ". Maybe you shouldn't have looked but you did and what you found is important information.

You don't need this.

Tal45 · 30/06/2021 14:24

He's still in love with someone he has a child with and goes and stays with. I wouldn't want to stay in that situation.

bjrce · 30/06/2021 14:46

I couldn't even contemplate sleeping with someone after reading that, knowing how he feels about his ex. The fact that it was in the last two weeks!

You can't undo seeing that!

As a PP said, the fact that you looked at his phone implies you knew something wasn't right anyway!

Get rid! it'll eat away at your self confidence, resentment will set in, but don't tell him you looked at his phone!

reader12 · 30/06/2021 15:07

Dump him. It’s maybe possibly ok for him to be pining after her a tiny bit in the privacy of his own head, but him saying these things to a friend while being with you for almost a year is massively disloyal. Imagine yo7 try to forget what you read & carry on as normal, if the two of you spent any time with his friend after this, you would feel so gutted knowing they both know he wants her more than you. Dump him, you’re worth more than being his consolation prize.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/06/2021 15:09

@Bluntness100

It’s not working, the fact you took his phone when he was sleeping is beyond disturbing behaviour and what he’s saying is even worse, you’re just a compromise, second best. End it and move on. This will eat you up.
She’s right.
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/06/2021 15:11

Don't get involved with someone who has a young child. There are other men out there who have no children.

There are plenty of time why have children who aren’t hung up on their exes. DH is one of them. A good dad to his older kids, our toddler and a good husband. I’ve never snooped in his phone either, I’ve never done that to anyone.

Longtalljosie · 30/06/2021 15:11

@Maggiesfarm

Don't get involved with someone who has a young child. There are other men out there who have no children.

If he's talking about his ex being the best sex ever, do you really need that?

"I know I shouldn’t of looked ". Maybe you shouldn't have looked but you did and what you found is important information.

You don't need this.

Well done. What this woman most needs at this point is a grammar lesson.
WhatIsThisPlease · 30/06/2021 15:27

I think it's time to move on.

Not because of the messages, but because he fell asleep during the football.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 30/06/2021 15:32

Don't tell him what you saw... He will twist things around and make you doubt yourself. Just tell him it isn't working for you..
And that his dick was not up to scratch...

MadMadMadamMim · 30/06/2021 15:32

I would end the relationship, based on the fact that I don't have self esteem issues and I would not stay with any man who hankered after another woman.

I don't care how amazing you think he is - he's not amazing enough to tolerate being second best with. Clearly if his ex wanted him back he'd go.

2me2u2u2me · 30/06/2021 15:40

I agree with a pp that sometimes you aren't with your first love or the love of your life but manage to move on. However the fact he said "she's the best sex he’s ever had, he’s still very attracted to her, how beautiful she is and they have an amazing connection" but then didn't end it with something along the lines of ... but we'll never get back together, or Mensuck is the right girl for me, would speak volumes to me, that if she clicked her fingers he may just go running back, I'd be off if I were you.

Sorry you've had to find this out, it's shit Sad