Dating - How to broach this? Is it a big NO?

[bopbopbopbop]

Sorry new here but wanted to get more of a female perspective if that's okay (appreciate there are plenty of men on here, so your opinion is also welcome ).

Myself and my ex split up quite a while ago (we have two kids). Have been pretty much housemates for years (no physical contact of any kind since 2018) but then Covid hit and we found ourselves trapped (neither could afford to move out). We made it official a few months ago (when lockdown ended) and our house has sold but not yet completed, so we are still living together and will be for the next 2 months or so (hopefully less).

My ex has started dating, and has said she doesn't have an issue if I do too. I signed up to a dating site but couldn't decide if it would be better to wait until I was in my own place or not and kept pausing and unpausing my account. During one of the unpaused times I was contacted by someone and we've chatted by text and she wants to meet.

My current situation hasn't really come up in general conversation, so I don't know if I should mention it before we meet, during the meet or afterwards if there is something there and we get on. How big a problem would people find it? I've asked a few friends (mostly male) and some have said it's not a big deal and to just be honest before meeting but most have said to see how it goes first. One sighed and said I should have waited and it was bad.

I feel I should be honest and say something before meeting but what does anyone else think? Major problem or not really an issue given the last year?

Wouldn’t be a red flag for me - but when I met my current boyfriend (Tinder), neither of us were in very stable living situations. We didn’t reveal this till we met in person. We are still together a year on!

It’s just a date - she isn’t committing to marriage. I’d tell her on the date - if it puts her off it puts her off - nothing much lost. But it might not.

Meet up and discuss it face to face. By that time you will both know if there is a connection, but over a message it may be a turn off. You are not cheating or behaving in an underhand way so there would be no issue with most women

It would put me off, I wouldn’t be interested in dating someone still living with an ex. Too much baggage which could get messy.

Yeah it would put me off too
I would wait until you’ve got your own place if I were you

I'd be surprised if anyone would take you seriously when they find out you're still living with your wife. It will be a lot easier if you wait till you move out but better to be upfront about it if you are going to date between now and then.

I would absolutely have assumed that you were still together and spinning me a line about "just having to live together ".

I wouldn't even agree to meet and if I had met you when you told me I would definitely feel conned by your previous silence.

I'm with the last friend. I wouldn't ever willingly meet an attached person and so many men barefacedly lie about it on OLD. So in a way you would be judged, not on you, but the previous actions of many many others.

I’d be wondering if you had somewhere to go once the house was sold. But assuming your profile status was ‘separated’ I would expect you to be somewhere in the divorce/split-up process.

If your profile status was single I would see it as a red lag.

I was in your situation and I did date a guy, we started dating about 6 weeks before my ex moved out. We knew each other already from elsewhere but it didn't work out - when I look back on it now it was difficult, I didn't want to have him over while ex was there (and he was always home, sigh) and of course the children were always there too as ex didn't yet have his own place... I think it felt to him like we were sneaking around even though we weren't, iyswim

I wouldn't see it too much of an issue.

I would rather that it was discussed face to face with an idea about your plans/progress. Eg, 'the house will be sold in the next few months, the divorce has started and I intend to rent a place immediately'...that kind of thing.

I would probably keep you at slight arms length until I saw some of these things happening.

I understand plenty of people find themselves in this temporary situation but given it's only 2 months or so until you move out, I might be inclined to wait to date further. This is because, to be honest, I would be put off by someone living with his ex. Simply because it is quite a big loose end and there are a lot of dishonest men who would claim these circumstances when actually they have no intention of leaving.

Carry on with the woman you're already chatting to, just let her know before you meet, and stick to the 2 month timeline as best you can. I just feel you might risk jeopardising other potential matches for the sake of waiting a short while.

Thst said, other women might be more sympathetic who have had previous divorces etc. Its just on OLD, people develop quite a strong sense of self preservation and so you might find this works against you although your situation is genuine. And you can't then really get those matches/ first impressions back.

Be honest straight away. It would put me off. I’d want to know sooner rather than later.

Massive red flag, sorry. I would just wait for another couple of months until you have your own place.

I would wait. It's not just that your living situation would be a red flag for some, it's that you will need to give yourself time to fully disentangle from your previous relationship. Living with your ex has no doubt taken an emotional toll (though you may not realise it now), and I personally wouldn't want to bring that baggage to a new relationship.

Thanks all for the advice. From my own point of view I couldn't really decide what would be best and have been double thinking it.

However from a personal point of view I would rather know before I met someone, it wouldn't really bother me especially if I got a good feel for the person but like a few have said it should be their decision to make. So will mention it beforehand and hope for the best.

Interesting range of replies though

My ex husband went onto online dating the day after we broke up and started dating immediately. He's still with the woman he met so it obviously didn't bother her. I think she was also still living with her ex too though.
My brother also met his current partner while living with his ex and it didn't bother his current partner at all.

Personally I'd think it was a red flag and I wouldn't want to meet anyone who was living with an ex partner.

@catfeets

Thanks, interesting. I guess it depends on the people and the situation. Previously I would have been in the no camp as well, but having lived it and been trapped due to Covid and lack of money during lockdown I can see that it isn't quite as simple as I thought to make that call. Obviously not for you under any circumstances and that's fine as well.

@bopbopbopbop yeah I guess it depends on the situation/people. Both the people I know seemed desperate to jump from one relationship to another as they didn't want to be alone. The partners they met also felt the same way. Neither had been separated long whereas it sounds like your relationship has been over a long time.

For me, it would be the trust issue. A large proportion of men on OLD flat out lie about their situations. It could be that you tell your date upfront about the situation and she doesn't quite believe you, or she could be perfectly fine with it. I think you're right to be honest about it as soon as possible, but it might be best to see if it crops up in conversation rather than just blurting it out or messaging it out of nowhere.

How big a problem would people find it?

This is why you should tell her before you meet up with her. She may think it's a no go, she may be fine with it, but it IS the sort of thing that you should disclose IMO so that she has a choice. Imagine dating her, it goes really well and then later on she finds out or you tell her - that's going to be far more problematic than just being upfront.

@catfeets

I don't feel desperate to jump from one relationship to another (although it is hard to tell sometimes) and it has felt over for a very long time.

But yes I agree with you about the trust issue, and I'm well aware a lot of people lie (mainly men, lol - not actually sure it's anything to laugh about mind you). I messaged her in the end as felt that it was for the best, and is what I would want if the situations were reversed. But you might be right maybe I should have waited for it to come up naturally rather than blurting it out, might have come across better, I just didn't want to feel I was hiding anything.

@IAmAWomanNotACis

How big a problem would people find it?

This is why you should tell her before you meet up with her. She may think it's a no go, she may be fine with it, but it IS the sort of thing that you should disclose IMO so that she has a choice. Imagine dating her, it goes really well and then later on she finds out or you tell her - that's going to be far more problematic than just being upfront.

Yes I agree with you, I've told her now.

Tell her before you meet, just be honest.

Good on you. Hope it works out and she's lovely!

You’d benefit from joining the Dating Thread (look in the Relationship forum listing for the most recent one) @bopbopbopbop - plenty of straight talking good advice to be had in there.

Is she still chatting to you OP? X