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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you broach this

40 replies

Saladcrab · 28/06/2021 23:40

Been with my partner a year everything is perfect he’s honestly so kind and caring we have the most amazing sex but it’s never often enough. When I first met him it happened almost everytime I saw him. We’ve had sex 3 times since the 23rd of may I see him like 4 days a week he’s happy for blow Jobs and uses my vibrator on me but it’s not the same I always have to start it all off sometimes during a blow Job I will stop and ask to go on top but he just says to carry on and he will finish me off. I just really want sex I’m 27 if that makes a difference. I want to bring it up with him but I don’t want to offend him I know he’s extra busy with work etc but I feel like it’s better to mention it now than further down the line. When we do have sex it’s so amazing and hot he also always comments on how good the sex is. It’s making me feel unwanted in that area as he never makes the move first

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 28/06/2021 23:45

I'm sorry but everything isn't perfect. If you're unhappy about anything in a relationship, how will it ever improve if you don't want to "offend" him by bringing it up?

Original poster
Saladcrab · 28/06/2021 23:50

I want to bring it up but I don’t want to offend what’s the best way to bring it up do you think?

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 28/06/2021 23:50

He's happy though right 😏

QueenBee52 · 28/06/2021 23:51

just tell him... it's not enough anymore.. you want penetrative sex 🌸

Justmuddlingalong · 28/06/2021 23:55

You ask does he have an issue with penetrative sex, because you feel unwanted, unhappy and unfulfilled by being "finished off" once he's enjoyed his BJ. Don't sugar coat the issue.

Original poster
Saladcrab · 28/06/2021 23:56

Thanks i was hoping to tell him this evening but he text to say goodnight and would call tomorrow as too tired so I’ll speak to him tomorrow not seeing him till Thursday now and we are out with Friends so need to say something before then really so will have to be over the phone

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 28/06/2021 23:58

I'd say it face to face. I'd want to see his reaction.

Original poster
Saladcrab · 29/06/2021 00:02

I guess it’s on my mind now so I’m just going to tell him tomorrow not sure how to word it I’m terrible with things like this so dyslexic and can never get my words out properly

OP posts:
billy1966 · 29/06/2021 00:21

OP,
Things are not perfect and he is very much suiting himself.

Do not settle for this.
Flowers

Original poster
Saladcrab · 29/06/2021 00:38

Thanks he’s the most kind and generous man so this really baffles me that he’s like this I am sex obsessed and told him from day one a few weeks ago he apologised for the lack of sex said he’s been supper tired with work etc but since then I’ve had not much each time the sex has always been instigated by me

OP posts:
Original poster
Saladcrab · 29/06/2021 00:39

I remember once he came home from work and we where both supposed to be getting ready to go out and he just couldn’t wait had his hands all over me that’s what I miss

OP posts:
Monty27 · 29/06/2021 01:03

He sounds inexperienced or selfish or both

ZednotZee · 29/06/2021 01:06

Oh OP he has death grip.
Do you use an ahem, firm hand when giving him a BJ?

Also, is he quite a bit older than you?

Mary1Mary · 29/06/2021 01:09

Stop sucking his dick.

QueenBee52 · 29/06/2021 01:11

@Saladcrab

Thanks he’s the most kind and generous man so this really baffles me that he’s like this I am sex obsessed and told him from day one a few weeks ago he apologised for the lack of sex said he’s been supper tired with work etc but since then I’ve had not much each time the sex has always been instigated by me

not too tired to decline a BJ though right...

AgentJohnson · 29/06/2021 04:20

Stop sucking his dick.

This. It appears he isn’t tired when his sensual preferences are being met and has time to make excuses.

I think you need to redefine perfect if your sex life revolves around his needs being met and you're preoccupied with ‘not offending’ him.Everyone has a role in a relationship, don’t you’re
s be doormat. Speak up!

Original poster
Saladcrab · 29/06/2021 04:55

No we are same age and no death grip as far as I’m a wear

OP posts:
SnoopsCaliforniaRoll · 29/06/2021 04:57

@Mary1Mary

Stop sucking his dick.
This is all the advice you need. He's getting lazy (and selfish) and you are indulging it.
cocoloco987 · 29/06/2021 05:51

Thanks he’s the most kind and generous man so this really baffles me that he’s like this I am sex obsessed and told him from day one a few weeks ago he apologised for the lack of sex said he’s been supper tired with work etc but since then I’ve had not much each time the sex has always been instigated by me

Well it's not like you are even asking for any effort from him - if he's not too tired to lie and accept a bj then he's not too tired to lie there while you get on top. He's clearly just getting what he wants and not caring if you are too. The tired thing is just an easy excuse. Definitely stop doing that! IME though the 2 things are a natural progression on from each other in a happy secure relationship. The needing to ask (and him saying no) really does suggest he's nowhere near as perfect or generous as you think

category12 · 29/06/2021 06:35

He's not really into PIV. It's not complex.

He also apparently has a lower libido than you.

Sex and feeling desired by my partner is important to me and this set up would make me feel bad and eventually miserable.

It's up to you what you want to do, but don't fool yourself imagining this will improve. You're only a year in, this would be the time for being at it like rabbits.

Karwomannghia · 29/06/2021 06:42

Is he worried about you getting pregnant? An ex used to avoid sex and he later said he was terrified of getting me pregnant and also of catching aids!
Either way, you just need to talk about it.

Ihavethesamedress · 29/06/2021 06:48

For the love of God, if you can have sex with him and give him a blow job, you need to be able to have a bloody conversation with him about it.

I want more sex. I want to have penetrative sex. That's all you need to say.

FWIW not everyone likes the same things. He might not like and enjoy what you want. So you either meet in the middle or end it.

updownroundandround · 29/06/2021 06:55

@Saladcrab

Your relationship is still supposed to be in it's 'first flush' when you've only been dating for a year.

It's clearly become quite 'selfish' sexually.

If your BF is 'up for' a BJ, then he does have the energy for full sex, he just 'couldn't be arsed' with the extra effort !

I'd never broach such a sensitive and personal subject on the phone though, I'd wait until the next time he suggests a BJ, then simply say 'Nah, I don't have the energy for it, but I'd be up for full sex....''

If he says ''no thanks'' then I'd honestly be thinking the relationship was over, because if he'd rather 'do without', then your sex drives are really too far apart to be compatible imo............

SunshineCake · 29/06/2021 07:02

I'd finish him off but by text. He isn't the only man and this is only one year in. Just wash him off you and get out. Yuk.

Original poster
Saladcrab · 29/06/2021 08:58

I’m going to speak to him about it I won’t be ending the relationship over it though not unless it never changed I’m also quite insistent with the blow jobs but I will stop that I just seem to really enjoy giving them

OP posts: