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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband and new puppy

53 replies

bluemoon1992 · 28/06/2021 21:59

Hi everyone. My head is in the shed right now and need some advice please . 5 weeks ago I finally got a puppy that I have always wanted . My husband payed for her and even offered to buy one before I was even looking .

I made sure that we had a talk and made him see that I did not want a dog if I was to be the only one looking after her as I work long hours in a demanding job . He was adamant he would help and the only thing he could not do is clean up poo.

I felt ready by this point so went to get her . The 1st few days I thought everything was going well . She didn't sleep in the nights for 2 weeks unless I was sleeping next to her so that was hard work but it was me who had sleepless nights not him .I didn't complain once either . She is a baby after all . One night she started whining because I attempted to go to bed and sleep and his head went he started shouting saying he wish he hadn't got her and that he was going to leave me . We have been together 13 years . He didn't go .

I noticed that he was losing interest in her quickly and now it's got to the point where all he does is sit on the sofa and just look at her with a fed up face . He won't do anything with her . Ta an effort for him to look at what she's doing when I ask him too or even to stroke her when I say say goodnight to her . In all honesty I didn't realise having a puppy would be this hard . I have been feeling really down the last 2 weeks but I think it's because it's a big change . I adore her and play with her constantly. Even when I'm half dead .

I just feel so disheartened. He's actually making me feel more depressed because of the way he's acting . He barely talks to me anymore just constantly looks fed up . Has anyone else gone through the same and do they change ? Thankyou

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 28/06/2021 22:04

Puppy blues. It’s mad how this is so little known about. Friends have made parallels between having babies and getting a puppy!

I think you need a proper discussion about what he and you both want. Him not being originally keen is tricky. Does he think you’re now ignoring him? Do you have dc?

QuentinBunbury · 28/06/2021 22:04

Puppy's are hard work but nothing compared to a baby. He's being an arse.

Anyway. Crate train puppy and get her sleeping through and house trained, then she will be much more fun. It improves a lot when you can take them out for a walk in my experience.

Your H needs a talking to as well. Especially if you are ever considering children with him

Original poster

bluemoon1992 · 28/06/2021 22:06

That's crazy you say that ! I said to my friend the other day I feel like I did when I had my son 18 years ago ! I had postnatal depression . There is definitely a link . He has wanted children for a while . But for some reason I think the dog has completely put him off because he didn't realise how good and easy we had it . He screamed a few days ago that he doesn't want children me or anything anymore . This was after the dog was screaming crying for me . The dog is obsessed with me . I can't leave her site or she's hysterical

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 28/06/2021 22:08

Did he actually want a dog though? I have always wanted one. So I got one (ok two!) but I’m the one who looks after them.
If you work long hours in a demanding job then how will you manage OP? This may be a case of having to hand the puppy back or just roughing it out until it can get to daycare while you work.

Jesskir89 · 28/06/2021 22:22

It does get easier op but your dh is going to make her anxious if he's shouting all the time. You can't just give her up youre her family now he needs to man up

TedMullins · 28/06/2021 22:39

It always baffles me when people say they didn’t realise puppies would be hard work. They’re not born knowing where to poo and how to behave! That’s not a criticism of you, they ARE demanding and exhausting (I’ve had one) but i thought it was just common sense they were basically furry babies.

Anyway. He sounds horrid. I would really think dimly of someone acting so cold towards an animal. If you really feel you can’t cope being the sole carer of the puppy then return her to the breeder, a good breeder would rather have a puppy back than see them in an unsuitable home or put in a rescue. But hopefully it won’t come to that. Have you actually sat and asked your husband what the source of his anger and frustration is? Is it just adjusting to having the puppy, being kept awake, dealing with accidents? Those things are frustrating and I definitely had days where I felt at the end of my tether and like I couldn’t cope with the pup. But to grow into a calm, well trained dog who understands how to behave she does need consistent handling and positive reinforcement, and that needs commitment from both of you. Encourage him to make an effort with her and he will start seeing the rewards.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 28/06/2021 22:45

Keep the pup.Get rid of him.
P.s puppy pics?

Cherrysoup · 28/06/2021 22:48

This was after the dog was screaming crying for me . The dog is obsessed with me . I can't leave her site or she's hysterical

Oh boy, you need a good trainer! You have to get her used to being alone. Crate train, ticking clock, build up time she’s left alone. You really need your dh on board with this.

Onlyfoolsandfathers · 28/06/2021 22:54

You need to step back and leave them together to bond. Let him be the one to take her to puppy class, one on one if possible.

He's being awful but if the puppy only wants you and is very clingy, that is very difficult to have constantly in your home.

QuentinBunbury · 28/06/2021 22:55

This was after the dog was screaming crying for me . The dog is obsessed with me . I can't leave her site or she's hysterical

She's not a human baby, you can train her. I used to leave an item of my clothing in my dogs crate. Then earplugs in and leave him. Took about 3 days for him to stop crying when I left, but he always slept better when he had my clothes.
Hes 1 now and won't come and sleep with me even if I invite him.

Dogs like routine a lot more than humans so if you just do the same every night she'll get used to it and start to be excited at bedtime.

PinotPony · 28/06/2021 23:00

You can leave her side. Crate in the corner of the room, covered with a sheet at night. Radio on quietly in background. If she cries during the night, ignore her. If that doesn't work just shush her and go back to bed. For god's sake don't get her out or lie next to her - you're making a rod for your own back.

Sounds like you need a serious chat with DH...

AwkwardPaws27 · 28/06/2021 23:23

There is a Facebook group called Dog Training Advice and Support. Their puppy guide has been invaluable. It is all run by qualified trainers & positive reward based.
Personally we didn't use "cry it out" with our puppy. We gradually built up time to leave him. He sleeps downstairs alone now and can be left for a couple of hours on his own with no issue (he is 8 months and coming along nicely with the help of the group).

TedMullins · 29/06/2021 00:24

@PinotPony

Sounds like you need a serious chat with DH...

No, don’t do this. Puppies should sleep next to you for the first few weeks. If you wouldn’t leave a human to ‘cry it out’ why would you do it to a dog? You can start with the crate next to your bed, then slowly move it across the room til it’s by the door, then outside the door, then on the landing… etc. If the dog is left to cry and then stops after a few days that isn’t because it’s learnt that it’s okay, it’s because it’s realised crying doesn’t work and just gives up. It will still have anxiety while alone but might just display this in different ways, like being wary/growling, pooing in the crate, developing some seemingly unrelated secondary fear. The dog training Facebook group is great, I’m in it, and they do not advise leaving puppies to cry

ZaraCarmichaelshighheels · 29/06/2021 00:36

Totally agree Ted It is an old school dog training technique which needs to die a death, it’s wrong and completely outdated leaving a dog to cry.

YeokensYegg · 29/06/2021 01:22

Great, another grown man having tantrums and sulking.
Tell him to get over himself and stop acting like a toddler over a dog.

Original poster

bluemoon1992 · 29/06/2021 04:36

Hi everyone I'm up with the pup now ha ha . I have had an absolute tit full of him to be honest . I really didn't know why I thought he would actually enjoy having a dog in our home . He is the laziest sod I have ever come across . I do absolutely everything for home . Basically he comes home from work and sits either on his laptop or watching football . He hates going out on walks ect . That's the main reason also why I got a dog . I love walking , love going to the beach and I wanted to have a companion to do that with instead of going alone all the time and feeling lonely and sad when I look at other people with partners . I also love animals . When I say hard work I expected the sleepless nights and cleaning up mess . She is really good now and does go out the garden . She has had three accidents in 3 days so not bad one bit 😊. Bad for my nose tho ha ha . The issue I'm finding really hard is how boisterous she is . She's a big pup and from what she's doing and have been told by a dog therapist that she's trying to dominate the house . Mainly me and my daughter . She's ripped my arms and hands to shreds . I know she's teething and I know they bite but she has gone for my face and my daughters face when moving a chew from her or stopping her from chewing a slipper or towel . She has done it with a nasty growl too . I have booked a 121 with a really good trainer and also puppy classes once a week for 6 weeks . I do treat her like a baby mind and I think maybe she is way too spoilt . She's also awfully clever ! She has learn sit , paw and lay down in all under ten minutes! But she is food mad . Another thing that's really hard is no one can eat in the house when she's there . She screams and lunges at us and won't stop until she's moved from where we are eating . I don't know why she keeps doing this is she is well fed and I would say never hungry . Also when I am at work my parents only live a street behind and are both retired so will have her anytime . I am also going to get a local dog Walker for you for 3 days a week . I am feeling pretty disheartened today . I'm off to work now and I don't know why but I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job for her and feel like she would have a much better life with someone else . As for my husband after last night I am actually coming to realise that there's not much more I can take from him x

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 29/06/2021 04:43

She does sound a bit hard work even on a scale of puppy. It's good you have the one to one booked with the trainer. It's vital you take on board what they say, for the sake of you and your puppy. Not for your DPS sake. Can you get a trainer for him too?

timeisnotaline · 29/06/2021 04:46

Imagine thinking babies would be nice then telling your partner you don’t do poo- dog or baby, it doesn’t matter! I’d look at my dh and say ok babies are out of the question. Why would I have them with you?

Tlollj · 29/06/2021 04:47

I’m not sure I’d much like a puppy from the way you describe her behaviour.
But your husband shouldn’t have agreed to get one really. Hopefully training will help.

Original poster

bluemoon1992 · 29/06/2021 05:09

She is extremely hard work . I can't go anywhere in the house with out her constantly attached to my feet or crying her head off if she can't see me . Plus she hardly ever sleeps and if she does , as soon as I move or get up she's wide awake and following me again .I am so drained I have fell asleep 3 times in work ! I do wish I could send my husband to a trainer 😂 also after this it's been a huge wake up call . I would never ever have a child with him x

OP posts:

Mayaspecialist · 29/06/2021 05:25

I mean he sounds like a child having a tantrum.

But it also sound like you are setting yourself up for a difficult life with the puppy.

You appear to find this behaviour quite entertaining. A trainer will only work if you follow, their advice when they aren't there.

What breed is the pupp?

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 29/06/2021 05:29

What breed is the puppy? How old is she?

How long are you leaving her while you are at work snd what is she doing in that time?

The dominance stuff is a load of crap and I'd be wary of any trainer who said that to you.

Original poster

bluemoon1992 · 29/06/2021 05:36

@Mayaspecialist

I mean he sounds like a child having a tantrum.

But it also sound like you are setting yourself up for a difficult life with the puppy.

You appear to find this behaviour quite entertaining. A trainer will only work if you follow, their advice when they aren't there.

What breed is the pupp?

Sorry I have come across that way but I do not at all I think it's just my way of coping right now . I have been from with her now I have relalised that she is becoming a total madam . But nothing at all is working . You can tell her off she will sit still look sad but then carry on with ripping our trousers or shoes up . 😭

OP posts:

Original poster

bluemoon1992 · 29/06/2021 05:38

@NeilBuchananisBanksy

What breed is the puppy? How old is she?

How long are you leaving her while you are at work snd what is she doing in that time?

The dominance stuff is a load of crap and I'd be wary of any trainer who said that to you.

Thankyou very much for your reply . I have got an appointment with a new trainer now . She actually worked in the police force with the dogs there so I think I am on to a good thing here 😊 the puppy is basically left for 3 hours in the morning . My daughter is at home full time until September. After that that's when I will look in to a dog Walker and help off my parents

OP posts:

Original poster

bluemoon1992 · 29/06/2021 05:39

Sorry she is a golden retriever. I think I must of been reading all my research wrong because I constantly come across everyone saying they are a very calm laid back breed . Not this one 😂

OP posts:

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