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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Bumping into mates

37 replies

Rainsleetsnowhere · 28/06/2021 11:19

Looking for views please on if this is suspicious or if I've suddenly turned paranoid. I've never been a particularly suspicious person before. Been married ages. A couple of years ago, DH started mentioning he kept bumping into his old schoolmate and his mate's wife out and about. I'd never seen them when with DH I didn't know what they looked like so could have passed them in the street and not known them. Apparently these people had lived near to us for years yet DH had never mentioned them before.

Whenever he had first mentioned them he would refer to them as 'Tony (name changed) and his wife'. This later changed to 'Tony and Tania' (name changed).
The whole thing felt a bit odd to me, but couldn't really say why.
I asked a couple of things about them, one of which was where they lived. DH said 'over there somewhere' indicating the rough area but he said he didn't know which house exactly.
I did eventually get to see them as bumped into them when with DH. Although DH seemed a little over-excited/nervous energy on approaching, I spoke to the woman a little and she seemed perfectly nice and normal. DH's mate also seemed normal although didn't really say anything to me.
The next time we bumped into them I though Tania seemed a bit different - less confident maybe - but what struck me was that she giggled like a schoolgirl at something DH said during our conversation. What he had said was mildly amusing at best, and her giggling seemed over-egged and almost nervous. Tony just seemed normal.
Recently, during a conversation about something unrelated, DH made reference to 'Tania's house'.
This sudden identification of their exact house, and the fact that he no longer refers to his mate and his wife, but just to her. It felt odd. Am I being Covid-paranoid?!

OP posts:
ILoveShula · 28/06/2021 11:42

No. You have a gut feeling. Trust your spidey senses.

ILoveShula · 28/06/2021 11:46

What will happen is that DH will start to stay at work late or pop to the pub or go to the gym more often.

He'll start reading The Script to you.

He will say he's not in love with you any more,/accuse you of neglecting him or being unfaithful/let yourself go/ blah blah blah

He will say he's moving out...

A few weeks or month later he and Tania will be an item.

chickenyhead · 28/06/2021 11:50

I would tend to trust your gut.

Has he got form?

Rainsleetsnowhere · 28/06/2021 12:04

I'd usually be the first to say trust your gut, but he genuinely doesn't have form for cheating. He is quite popular with the ladies.
This fairly new mentioning of old school mate is an odd thing, I cannot work it out.
I saw her (just her) talking to DH a while back. DH was in his car so couldn't see his body language. Her body language was like she was talking to someone she really got on with. Lots of body movement, smiling/laughing. Their conversation was brought to an end when he realised I was parked up behind him waiting to get in the house. I wasn't in my normal car so neither of them would have immediately known it was me. He didn't say what they'd been talking about and I didn't ask.

OP posts:
Rainsleetsnowhere · 28/06/2021 12:17

I'm convinced now that his reference to 'Tania's house' was one of those inadvertent slips which presumably can happen when one partner is not entirely honest with the other.

I'm asking myself why would he suddenly know which house they live in, or, was he lying before about not knowing where they lived. It has to be one or the other.

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 28/06/2021 12:23

Something doesn't add up.

Probably they haven't done anything, but it feels like you are excluded from something, from what you are describing.

Rainsleetsnowhere · 28/06/2021 12:29

Thanks for reassuring me I'm not paranoid as I was starting to wonder.

OP posts:
FunMcCool · 28/06/2021 16:18

Can you ask him?

Gallowayan · 28/06/2021 21:28

It is suspicious and you are clearly aware of this

Majorfluff · 28/06/2021 21:36

Sounds dodgy to me.

accentdusoleil · 28/06/2021 21:39

Could you (lie) drop into conversation that you thought Tania at the shops and analyse his response.

HollowTalk · 28/06/2021 22:15

I think you're right to wonder what's going on here, OP. Have you seen his and her social media?

converseandjeans · 28/06/2021 23:17

It does sound dodgy to me. Why does he need to tell you he's bumped into an old school friend who you don't really know?

Icanflyhigh · 28/06/2021 23:37

Trust your gut instinct.

seensome · 28/06/2021 23:39

I'm thinking it's Tania he knew from years ago and not the husband, may explain why she's more familiar with your husband. Or knew them both from years ago.
I'm not sure why he wouldn't say, maybe past history between them or not wanting to worry you.

Ilovedacake · 28/06/2021 23:41

I would have thought it would have been more likely for him to say ‘Tony’s house’ too, given that Tony is the one who is supposed to be his actual mate. Sounds like he may have mentionitis…….

QueenBee52 · 28/06/2021 23:58

Yip ... Im another 'Trust your Instincts' OP 🌸

5475878237NC · 29/06/2021 00:38

Yep he slipped up here. It should have been Tony's house. He's into her. Hopefully nothing has happened but he wants it too.

Justilou1 · 29/06/2021 01:26

I’d be checking his phone history when he’s asleep

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 29/06/2021 01:31

nobody cheats until they do

updownroundandround · 29/06/2021 07:04

@Rainsleetsnowhere

Another 'trust your gut' from me I'm afraid.

Just the description of his 'nervous excitement' and their 'body language' fairy screams something's going on, even if it's just a 'desire to' at the moment.

I'd be looking further into this, and not shying away from openly questioning my H about the details

When did they meet? And where were you at the time ?
Was it really the H that knew your H ? Or the wife ?
When did they see each other ? Why didn't you know about them ?
What did they do? Where did they go ? e.g Pub for a pint, chat over the fence ?

Ask him lots of 'innocent' questions. If he's nervous/ not a practiced liar, he'll slip up..................

InFiveMins · 29/06/2021 07:43

Yep, trust your gut OP - it sounds dodgy. He slipped up with "Tania's house" - personally I'd start doing some digging.

Hppymum123 · 29/06/2021 07:49

What’s concerning is, why weren’t you in your usual car 😩🤣 who has random cars they can drive that their DP wouldn’t know about

ILoveShula · 29/06/2021 10:17

@Hppymum123, you've never been given a lift or driven a company car then?

Hppymum123 · 29/06/2021 10:21

@ILoveShula she didn’t say she was given a lift though, she said she was waiting to pull on the drive so I’d assume she was driving and no, I haven’t driven a random company car, I’ve either had a company car or my own car, never randomly car hopped 🤣, plus was meant lightheartedly anyway

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