Ive met someone who has a lot of money ...

[dailydingo]

I've never been materialistic or had designer clothes. Never been bothered by it. It never mattered to me if I brought clothes from a supermarket or a label. If they fit (rare) and I like them (even rarer) then I'm happy. Until I met someone who has money. He wears designer clothes. All his clothes are designer. He has a stunning house. A brand new top of the range car. He wants for nothing. I earn an ok wage but nothing like what this bloke has. It cant explain it, but it has really affected me. The relationship wont go anywhere (that's another thread). I'm trying to make sense of why I feel like I do. I don't feel like I have to keep up with him. But, it has made me totally rethink my style and look at how old my clothes are (they are old as I rarely see anything I like, I'm quite fussy), how I present myself, that my £20 handbag (that I was previously happy with) looks cheap and has now been binned. I now want designer trainers (previously happy with £20 Next ones), I've just brought a CK handbag (from an outlet!). My friends are thinking WTF. This is not me. Its like I've seen the how the other half live and I want it. But I can never have it. How on earth do I snap out of this ?

You want those things because you think they’ll make you feel a certain way. Search for the answer of the feeling you think having those things will give you then find other ways to obtain that that feeling :)

For example: Someone could want designer clothing or a flashy car because it will make them feel superior, respected, happy, powerful, rich and so on. It’s just our ego (yes we all have one) but as we can only create these feelings internally they can be achieved in other more fulfilling ways.

It's just because you've had a different lens through which to see yourself presented to you.

It will either fade, or you've found a whole new way to see yourself! As long as you remember what makes you truly happy, you will be fine either way, I'm sure.

If you can afford it, then buy what you want.

"Comparison is the thief of joy".

You never used to compare your lifestyle or preferences against someone else's and were satisfied with it. Now you're comparing and feeling you're missing out somehow.

There's no harm in wanting to wear well-fitting clothes, or even expensive brands as long as you're actually happy with your choices.

Buy it for yourself and what makes you look and feel good, not for what other people think.
(Handbags are essential BTW, so a designer one is an investment rather than a splurge - which is how I justify my collection )
Remember that his designer gear didn't make your relationship work and doesn't make people like him more.

Recognise that something about him and/or your relationship with him has made you feel insecure. I'd guess you don't want the designer things as much as you want the feeling of 'fitting in' that wearing the designer things gives you. Focus on the reasons you feel that way and try to understand them, that might help you get back to your old normal.

I was once advised, "if you like wine, never go on a wine-tasting course", because afterwards you won't like things you like now, and you'll crave super-expensive stuff which at the moment you wouldn't notice the difference.

I agree with PP above who says you’ve seen yourself through another lens and perhaps you aren’t overly happy with what you’ve seen.

Buying secondhand or high street clothes is absolutely fine, supermarket brands are fine, there’s no problem not buying designer and it doesn’t make you a better person for having designer either.

So I do think you need to separate out the “designer” thing and perhaps focus more on wanting to feel different and make more of an effort with your style?

If your only concern before was does it fit and do I like it them I guess you were not overly bothered about your cohesive “look” or style, and you know what? That’s absolutely fine too. Our outwards appearance is totally irrelevant to some people and it’s all about comfort and happiness in their own self. Whilst others feel joy and happiness in putting effort into their style and enjoy the process of style and fashion etc.

You don’t have to spend lots of money to feel good and enjoy fashion or clothes.

Equally you don’t have to restrict yourself to cheaper labels because it might seem frivolous to others (your friends for example) to spend money on designer items.

Essentially you need to understand WHY you are craving something you’ve never been bothered about before and work out is it just the feeling of having designer brands and the social label that goes with it that you like or have you realised that you can make a bit more of an effort with appearance and do enjoy it?

Ultimately if you work and can afford the things you like then do it, just as long as it comes from a place of enjoyment and happiness in yourself - not from a “keeping up with the jones’” position.

Also, buying preloved is a great way of picking up designer labels and is FAR more sustainable and ethical than buying new fast fashion / high street items.
Try vinted / depop etc

I can honestly tell you those things will never buy you happiness.

I used to be that person. I used to aspire. It brings no joy. You're looking for something that you won't find at the bottom of a ££££ handbag.

I think spending a bit on well cut piece of clothing is one thing. Feeling like you need to flash the labels is another thing entirely. Especially if they're pushing the limits of your budget.

I've seen people looking classier in vintage thrift shop finds than plastered in fucking moronic labels.

Wear what makes you happy, but don't buy into the shit of the aspirational lifestyle.

theemmadilemma is right

spending a bit on well cut piece of clothing etc

how many pieces of clothing does this man have in his wardrobe which he never wears? Likewise possessions.

When so many people are struggling and homeless not sure if I personally could sleep at night doing that

unless I founded a social enterpise company and good portion of proceeds when to help others

The relationship wont go anywhere (that's another thread

@dailydingo is it because of the money thing or something else? If it's going to be over just ditch him and get back to your old values

I know you said it’s another thread but why won’t the relationship go anywhere? Because that could also be linked to why you are suddenly feeling you want all these new items. Is he not offering you what you want relationship wise? If so, that could also be driving your desires even if consciously you don’t feel you need to keep up with him.

"the relationship won't go anywhere"

Has he made you feel in some way inferior or not quite good enough? treated you badly or made subtle comments to you? perhaps even unrelated to your outward appearance.

Trying to keep up will always leave you feeling trailing behind. The purpose of desirable expensive labels is to set the wearer above mere mediocrity. Just as soon as you, and I and everyone else has acquired the most desirable thing the thing changes, no longer signifies what it did. And something else comes to take its place, another new desirable thing. Its monotonous and tiring, expensive and ultimately unfulfilling to chase these things. It won't bring you happiness, its more likely to cause anxiety where non previously existed.

Whatttttt?

I suppose the question is whether you feel like you have to change because of your association with him (ie you feel inferior when you compare) or whether he is making you feel inadequate in some way. Either of those things need to be looked at very differently.

If he's not driving it then you should reflect on the chance that he may well like you precisely because you're not materialistic. I guess if he's very rich he may be wary about people's motivation for being with him. He may not want you to suddenly become someone different.

If it's down to your own sense of self worth then either you need to think why a way you have always been happy with now doesn't seem enough. In your position I would feel stressed it out in a group where I was the only person in high street fashion when they're all dressed in designer clothes. I think that's only natural tbh. But if they're nice people they shouldn't care.

You’ve had a glimpse into another world where people don’t just buy the cheapest thing because they have to.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting or liking nice things. It’s no more worthy carrying around a £20 handbag than £100 one.

So long as nobody is going hungry then I don’t see a problem.

It’s fine to slowly change your image or style. Most people do over the course of many years. However do weigh up wether new items are investment pieces of better quality which will last longer then high street items or just pointlessly expensive clothes. Owning fewer quality clothes is probably more environmental then bulk owning high street clothes

Why won’t the relationship go anywhere? If you really think it won’t and you’re already feeling insecure and wanting “better” when you were previously happy I’d wonder whether it was worth continuing.

There is nothing wrong about caring about quality of your clothes. It doesn't need to be designer label, but good quality clothes that are flattering, made of quality materials can make you feel better about yourself. It doesn't make you shallow.

Hang on... Does he own a house too?

How do you know it's not all on cc and car finance?

I think you’ve been knocked off your stride, so to speak, because your decisions aren’t coming from core values but from a negative sense of self. And by comparison with your older, scruffier and cheaper stuff, the shiny designer labels exacerbate your negative view of yourself.

It’s natural to want nice things but as a pp said it’s the feeling that you want more than the item.

It’s a good opportunity to figure out your values.

@dailydingo as someone who has always had whatever I wanted financially, I can tell you it makes life easier, not happier. Repeat that over and over.

Oh, and those who are truly wealthy don’t tend to flash around handbags and designer gear. You might know more wealthy people thank you think.

Thanks for all the replies.

I know money and wealth doesn't equal happiness. I guess I'm envious of his lifestyle. He lives alone, in a gorgeous and newly renovated house. It's a minimalistic and simple house. No cluttered junk anywhere or piles of crap. It so spacious and airy. He has a cleaner. It feels like a hotel. Whereas I have 2 teenage boys at home and it's down to me to tidy/clean/sort piles of crap - alongside working.

I guess the crux of all this is that it's just a different life style. I've seen life through a totally different lens and I liked it, I really liked it, But I cant ever afford that lifestyle. There is no expectation from him for me to be able to afford it/keep up but I've seen a slice of the high life - and it's bloody fantastic. All of a sudden my clothes & accessories look/feel cheap (to me, anyways). Its made me take a long hard look at myself and how I present myself/look/wear/carry myself.

@thelegohooverer
I think you’ve been knocked off your stride, so to speak, because your decisions aren’t coming from core values but from a negative sense of self. And by comparison with your older, scruffier and cheaper stuff, the shiny designer labels exacerbate your negative view of yourself.

It’s natural to want nice things but as a pp said it’s the feeling that you want more than the item.

It’s a good opportunity to figure out your values.

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TOTALLY THIS

It’s not a bad thing to reassess your lifestyle and clothes and realise you want more.

There are cheap ways of having a similar lifestyle. Fewer clothes, slowly buying nicer pieces in sales or from charity shops. Getting quality high street copies of expensive bags, ie understanding the aesthetic but not necessarily buying the originals.