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Original poster

Married name

44 replies

egglette · 28/06/2021 08:50

Hello all. I'd really like to hear your take on this as I feel like it's leaving a bit of a mark over our wedding and seems like it could now cause long term issues.

DH and I just recently got married. We had been engaged for a few years and had at various points talked and been asked by others about what we'd do with our surnames. From the beginning I'd felt I didn't want to change my name. Absolutely nothing against DH's family - we're really close and they have welcomed me in for years. I just feel strange as I'm not really joining his family any more than he's joining mine, so I can't quite get my head around dropping my surname (which is quite distinctive and I've grown a bit attached to it!). My ideal scenario would be double barrell but unfortunately it really does not work with our names. I figured we could perhaps just keep our own names and have another think if it came to DC later.

I had said (a briefer version of that) to his family when asked before, stressing that it was nothing about not wanting to be a part of the family etc. However, DH said he was interested in taking my name. When it first came up a family member said to him "don't be stupid" (!) so he didn't bring it up for a while. But as the day came closer they asked him again and on each occasion he said he was thinking of my name. He also told my family (without prompting, I think) that he was planning to do that.

Roll on our wedding day and DH tells me he's not sure his parents have accepted it yet so if we just keep things quiet for now. A few people involved in the organisation specifically ask and we say just to leave out the question of surnames.

Then one of my family members unexpectedly gives a speech and as part of it says they understand he is taking our name. DH's face drops. We have to move on to something else but when we come back together a little while later he says: "that has gone down really badly with my family. Nothing we can do today but they are really upset. Your family member really messed up there."

I try to put it out of my mind but can't really, for the rest of the day.

The next day after everyone has left DH and I speak again and he says he thinks it's going to be an issue between the families that we'll need to resolve, as his family are really annoyed with my family member. They seem to be taking it as an attack in them. I'm feeling quite torn over the whole thing - I really wish it had never been said but my family member misunderstood the situation - it definitely wasn't done maliciously - and it is the truth.

We saw DH's family again this weekend and they said they had seen some people had crossed out their surname on the envelopes to our cards and written mine, and that was "thanks to" my family member, so it's clearly still an active issue. Argh 😖

OP posts:
YellowBeryl · 28/06/2021 09:04

Why don't you each keep your own names. This seems to be the norm amongst my daughter's group of friends. She is still in touch with 9 or 10 friends from school and they have all kept their surnames on marriage. My GS has his father's surname, no double barrelling.
Neither of our families have an issue with this - their lives their choice.

IsItJustMeOrYou · 28/06/2021 09:11

Our son got married a couple of years ago and his wife did not want to change her surname. He accepted it and although my DH was a little disappointed, the reality was that it had nothing to do with us. It is her name and her choice. They did speak about it at the time and our son asked her if any children would bear his family name. She accepted this as should everyone else. She has every right to keep her name and honestly its a lovely surname much better than ours.

Original poster
egglette · 28/06/2021 09:25

Thank you, both. I agree that it should really be a choice for the couple. I was happy for us to keep our own names and then have more of a think about what to do when it came to children. But DH was quite keen to change to mine.

The difficulty now is that his parents are now blaming my family member for the situation, even though DH has been gently (and not so gently!) saying to them for a while that this is what he wanted to do. So it's now becoming a family issue (i.e. theirs versus mine) rather than them confronting the fact that DH did want to change. And DH is also quite annoyed at my family member for how it came about.

I just feel a bit stuck as I wish it had never been said at the wedding (so I feel a bit frustrated with my family member) but where do we go from here?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 28/06/2021 09:29

he thinks it's going to be an issue between the families that we'll need to resolve really?

Why are you pussyfooting around your families? Just let them know what you've decided, no excuses or reasons. It's nothing to do with them.

Runningupthecurtains · 28/06/2021 09:34

So him taking your name is a slight to his family but if you took his name your family should approve. Hmmmm

soapboxqueen · 28/06/2021 09:36

If nothing else your dh needs to make clear to his family that your family member did nothing wrong other than pre-empt something your dh has been seriously considering.

They may have jumped the gun but nothing more.

Other than than, he needs to decide what he wants to do. If he wants to change it then change it. If not, then don't. However, if he kicks it into the long grass he's just postponing the problem.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 28/06/2021 09:39

Tell them you are both going to be Adamms and which one wants to be Uncle Fester?
Just don't get into discussion with them. Back away until they stfu.

Shoxfordian · 28/06/2021 09:40

It sounds like your dh has decided he wants to change his name and his family just don’t like it so won’t accept it. They need to get over it

LadyDanburysHat · 28/06/2021 09:41

Your DH can not be annoyed with your family member, He told them this information himself. He needs to be clear with his family that it is his choice and they need to deal with it.

SoupDragon · 28/06/2021 09:41

His family are being ridiculous.

I think you need to ignore them and make your own joint decision about what you want to do with your surnames.

Bonedry · 28/06/2021 09:41

@pinkyredrose

he thinks it's going to be an issue between the families that we'll need to resolve really?

Why are you pussyfooting around your families? Just let them know what you've decided, no excuses or reasons. It's nothing to do with them.

Yes, it's fuck all to do with anyone else. In your shoes I'd be primarily impatient with your DH for making such a palaver about it, and behaving as though his family get a stake in what his name is, especially as presumably no one would be behaving as if it were their business, or making speeches about it for that matter, if you were changing your name to his. (Which I can't believing women are still doing in 2021, but that's another matter.)

Just tell him to shut down family discussion and grow up. He's an adult. What he calls himself is his own business.

Personally, I would each use your own birth surname and just give your children both. We did, and it's never been an issue. I was just looking at my nine year old's school yearbook, which has all the names and photos of the children in his school, and between one third and half have two surnames.

SoupDragon · 28/06/2021 09:42

they had seen some people had crossed out their surname on the envelopes to our cards and written mine,

So those people assumed you'd be changing to DH's surname?

Caramellatteplease · 28/06/2021 09:45

Your DH needs to stop playing all sides and trying to appear the good guy. He needs to make a decision, communicate his decision and stick to it. By not doing this he is the one creating the tension

Nicolastuffedone · 28/06/2021 09:48

I was married 30 years ago. I have kept my surname, it’s never been a problem. In fact, the subject has never been raised! Tell your husband to get over himself and tell his family, this is his name now, he suggested the name change himself and the subject is not up for discussion.

parietal · 28/06/2021 09:52

your DHs name is his decision & no one elses. If he wants to change his name, that is great. So he needs to tell his family and own his decision. His family might huff & puff for a bit but they will get used to it.

BillyShears · 28/06/2021 09:56

This is ridiculous. And- as the old cliche goes- you don’t have an in law issue, you have a husband issue. He should be telling his family it’s none of their business and to pipe down.

PurpleyBlue · 28/06/2021 09:58

How on earth is this meant to be the family member's fault?

SoupDragon · 28/06/2021 10:00

Tell your husband to get over himself

In what way does he need to "get over himself"?

ravenmum · 28/06/2021 10:01

Your husband is being very unreasonable. He went round telling everyone, when asked, that he was planning on taking your name.
Unless he told them it was a secret or likely to cause a bizarre family feud, why would they think it should not be mentioned in passing?
He's being weird to blame your relative for mentioning it, and by doing so he's encouraging his family to be weird about it, too.

He's using your name, isn't he? And everyone else just thinks it's perfectly normal for him to be taking your name, so they're crossing out the wrong surname because it's wrong. Why wouldn't they? What is the issue?

Original poster
egglette · 28/06/2021 10:03

Thanks, all - that really helps. The day after the wedding I was feeling quite down because the whole thing seemed to have left a bit of a mark on the day. But taking in what you've all said, I think their dwelling on the speech (which was really uncontroversial in how it raised it - not goady or anything) and making comments about my family member is just a diversion from what is quite a simple issue, and one that doesn't really involve me or my family.

I also really had to bite my tongue about the double standards with the crossed out cards Grin. Like those people were right to assume and my family member was wrong to just say what they'd been told was the case...

OP posts:
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 28/06/2021 10:05

@SoupDragon

Tell your husband to get over himself

In what way does he need to "get over himself"?

Because he's upset with the family member who mentioned it instead of putting his family straight about it being his choice!
R0SEMARY · 28/06/2021 10:07

@Caramellatteplease

Your DH needs to stop playing all sides and trying to appear the good guy. He needs to make a decision, communicate his decision and stick to it. By not doing this he is the one creating the tension
This.
ravenmum · 28/06/2021 10:08

@Caramellatteplease

Your DH needs to stop playing all sides and trying to appear the good guy. He needs to make a decision, communicate his decision and stick to it. By not doing this he is the one creating the tension
In your place I'd be watching out for this, OP. Is your dh aware that this is what he's doing? It's worth dealing with this problem now, rather than later when it's a more important subject such as how to raise children, where you are going to live etc.
DinosaurDiana · 28/06/2021 10:11

I think that he needs to tell them that it’s his life and it’s none of their business.
If you let them get away with this now, they will interfere for ever.
A friend of mine married a man and they knew they would never had kids. They both double barrelled their surnames. It was a bit of a mouthful, but they didn’t care.

Honeybeebloom · 28/06/2021 10:14

They did speak about it at the time and our son asked her if any children would bear his family name. She accepted this as should everyone else. She has every right to keep her name and honestly its a lovely surname much better than ours.

If her surname is better why would the kids not get her name?

Sorry don't want to derail OP. Your DH's family are really out of order. Wedding speeches frequently mention the bride's new surname (when she takes the groom's) so why should there be anything controversial about mentioning him taking yours? Your DH should be telling his family that this is how it is and then you all just carry on with your lives.

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