Married name

[egglette]

Hello all. I'd really like to hear your take on this as I feel like it's leaving a bit of a mark over our wedding and seems like it could now cause long term issues.

DH and I just recently got married. We had been engaged for a few years and had at various points talked and been asked by others about what we'd do with our surnames. From the beginning I'd felt I didn't want to change my name. Absolutely nothing against DH's family - we're really close and they have welcomed me in for years. I just feel strange as I'm not really joining his family any more than he's joining mine, so I can't quite get my head around dropping my surname (which is quite distinctive and I've grown a bit attached to it!). My ideal scenario would be double barrell but unfortunately it really does not work with our names. I figured we could perhaps just keep our own names and have another think if it came to DC later.

I had said (a briefer version of that) to his family when asked before, stressing that it was nothing about not wanting to be a part of the family etc. However, DH said he was interested in taking my name. When it first came up a family member said to him "don't be stupid" (!) so he didn't bring it up for a while. But as the day came closer they asked him again and on each occasion he said he was thinking of my name. He also told my family (without prompting, I think) that he was planning to do that.

Roll on our wedding day and DH tells me he's not sure his parents have accepted it yet so if we just keep things quiet for now. A few people involved in the organisation specifically ask and we say just to leave out the question of surnames.

Then one of my family members unexpectedly gives a speech and as part of it says they understand he is taking our name. DH's face drops. We have to move on to something else but when we come back together a little while later he says: "that has gone down really badly with my family. Nothing we can do today but they are really upset. Your family member really messed up there."

I try to put it out of my mind but can't really, for the rest of the day.

The next day after everyone has left DH and I speak again and he says he thinks it's going to be an issue between the families that we'll need to resolve, as his family are really annoyed with my family member. They seem to be taking it as an attack in them. I'm feeling quite torn over the whole thing - I really wish it had never been said but my family member misunderstood the situation - it definitely wasn't done maliciously - and it is the truth.

We saw DH's family again this weekend and they said they had seen some people had crossed out their surname on the envelopes to our cards and written mine, and that was "thanks to" my family member, so it's clearly still an active issue. Argh 😖

Your husband hasn't really helped the situation here has he? He should have been up front with his family about what he was going to do. Being all evasive and secretive was a set up for this sort of thing to happen. It's his responsibility now to sort out his family, including telling them to stop being so embarrassingly sexist and immature.

they said they had seen some people had crossed out their surname on the envelopes to our cards and written mine that would have been a perfect chance for your DH to say "Well that is my name now"

So what?! Honestly, they hold a misogynistic double standard, why care about their opinion? No doubt they’ll claim ‘tradition’ for the double standard, but seeing as children traditionally have the same name as their mother, it will be interesting to see if they still stand by tradition when that conversation arises,

Your dh needs to stand up to his family and be quite firm that this is his choice and nothing to do with them or your family member or you. Only he gets to choose what his name is. It's none of anyone else's business.

But I suspect your family member thought they were maybe doing you a favour. Pointing out you had decided to do something cool and unconventional in terms of your married names and also saving you the hassle of having to correct absolutely everyone who screwed it up for the first year of marriage. Usually the wedding is when you learn what people will be called in marriage, so that seems pretty normal.

I suspect too though that this will only be the first of many battles about mundane issues that are no business of his family. Good to nip it in the bud now because it will only get worse.

@Caramellatteplease

Your DH needs to stop playing all sides and trying to appear the good guy. He needs to make a decision, communicate his decision and stick to it. By not doing this he is the one creating the tension

I agree. And his family sound like drama llamas to be honest.

@mindutopia

Your dh needs to stand up to his family and be quite firm that this is his choice and nothing to do with them or your family member or you. Only he gets to choose what his name is. It's none of anyone else's business.

But I suspect your family member thought they were maybe doing you a favour. Pointing out you had decided to do something cool and unconventional in terms of your married names and also saving you the hassle of having to correct absolutely everyone who screwed it up for the first year of marriage. Usually the wedding is when you learn what people will be called in marriage, so that seems pretty normal.

I suspect too though that this will only be the first of many battles about mundane issues that are no business of his family. Good to nip it in the bud now because it will only get worse.

Absolutely. Tell your DH to stop feeding the 'two warring tribes' drama and behaving as though his choice of surname is akin to whatever the beef was between the Montagues and the Capulets. It isn't a family issue, and there is no need to amplify it all to the level of needing a round table, mediators, some form of Truth and Reconciliation Committee etc etc.

The OP's family member referencing it in his/her wedding speech did nothing wrong -- the OP's DH being all cloak-and-dagger and consulting with his family over something that doesn't involve them at all is the one who started the situation. His family are clearly drama llamas who need a hobby, but it's up to him to shut down a drama of his own causing!

Yes, this isn't the Montagues and Capulets. It's not an issue between the families that needs to be resolved - I feel quite sorry for your family member, your DH said something, they assumed it still to be the case, and they mentioned it. Really unfortunate but it's happened and that's that. Can't be changed, so time to get over it.

Your husband's family - and your husband - are using it to deflect from the real issue of what he wants to be called. They've obviously got some misogynistic views about male and female surnames, and are taking the suggestion that he might change his name very badly. That is entirely an issue between them and him. Your family has bugger all to do with it - it wasn't their idea, they're not pushing it.

This is his issue to resolve. Step back, and make sure you're protecting yourself and your family from any of this nonsense.

Whatever he decides ensure your children have both. It's only right .

I had a work colleague who took his wife's surname - not really sure why so there was probably a backstory - the name he took was the equivalent to Smith or Jones

Another work colleague and his wife could not agree on a surname and ended up making up a new one - apparently after some place in the north where they have been on holiday

Let it all die down and when it’s stopped being so sensitive your DH can quietly cha be his name if that’s what he still wants to do?

Your husband just needs to get on with the name change and then you can get on with your life too!

Wow I think it’s fantastic that he’s thinking of taking on your family name. Fantastic! It’s just so rarely done and shows a real strength of character.

Good for him!

His family can bloody well get lost. How dare they, so insensitive.

However it is your DHs decision, but in a way, if he’s said several times he’s going to do it. Then come on, do it! Everyone is just really confused otherwise.

But the ONLY negative people seem to be his family. If they stop him from taking the name - that’s going to affect your marriage and family relations in a small but significant way. They should not do that and crucially, your DH should not let them. If he was brave enough to change his name in the first place, then he really needs to see it through and be brave enough to tell his family to put a sock in it. End of.

@Willyoujustbequiet

Whatever he decides ensure your children have both. It's only right .

Er… how bizarre?!

Kids have only had their dads name for centuries, was that all wrong then? On the mother’s side? Or is only men who need to pass on to their kids…

All of this is your husband's fault. All of it. If he had acted like a grown up and told his family the way it is, and that it is his decision, this would be all over already. Tell him to find his balls and deal with it instead of deflecting the issue onto your family member.

He needs to decide what he is doing, and if that is taking your name he should just rip off the plaster and tell his family firmly. The prevarication seems to have led them to think they get a say in this. They don't.

Tell him to just pick a name and get on with it. Does he always faff about this much? It’s no wonder relatives are getting mixed messages.

I am Spanish, so not into this name changing thingy. There is no such thing as married names, and for what i have read thank God. Our surnames are father´s first and mother´s second and you have the option of the other way round. An English teacher of mine married a Spaniard and not knowing that in Spain there is no such thing as changing surnames started using her husband´s name and calling herself Mrs Moreno. Her father in law swiftly nipped this in the bud by informing her that only those sired by him bore that surname and she had her own dad and her own surname. One can never win!
Ultimately it is your decision and your families need to butt out. I also have the impression that your husband needs to pull his big boy pants up make a decision and stick to it. It is his dithering that is creating this situation.

This is so weird and overwrought, just wow!

You both sound super enmeshed with your relatives too if it's causing this level of angst.

You made a decision, that's all that matters. Let his and your family feel or think whatever they want, and if they approach you about it you can address that. But you don't need to be running around trying to smooth things over and make peace.

You're your own family now, you and your husband. Get used to owning your life decisions with a cheery 'yep, that's what we decided!' and not accepting people trying to draw you into petty drama.

This sounds like a headache to me. It’s no ones business what you do surname wise, l find it weird when some families want to do everything by committee. It’s not their choice