Just need to talk

[Malibukev]

Not even sure this is the right place. But it's just after 4.00am and I just need to talk.

I don't want to drip feed but if I post everything relevant in the opener it will be so long but the basics of it are DD 2.5 rolled out of bed and disturbed herself. Unfortunately when this happens, she's up for the day so we have been up since 3.00am. That means we will now both be up until bedtime tonight. DD might sleep at some point, probably in the car but I won't get chance until tonight.

I am annoyed and upset, when this happens rather than persevere getting DD back to sleep I have to bring her downstairs as DP is so moody he will literally huff and puff at every noise and it puts me on edge.

It just makes me feel so shit. I know I am in for an awful day with a two year old as I will be tired as will she. I've also got work to do later which I can't do until DP is in and DD is asleep usually around 8.30 / 9.00pm. Only an hour or so, but by that point I'll be exhausted.

I've not been feeling well lately, I've been really down. I don't want to pinpoint how I feel on anyone else but definitely circumstances at home done help. DP knows this as i have been in contact with the GP about it and now his health anxiety has peaked so it's almost like I have to pull myself together and ignore how I'm feeling as his health anxiety is all consuming.

Honestly as awful and selfish as it sounds I'm just sat here thinking he couldn't give one shit about me. He's managed to make something that has took me 2.5 years to finally accept, open up about and do something about into being all about him. And whilst he's comfortable asleep upstairs, when he wakes I will hear all about how exhausted he is as he has had such a terrible sleep and even though I am tired as I have been up since 3.00am he is much more tired than me as he doesn't sleep properly due to his anxiety which quite frankly I'm sure is massively exaggerated.

As I say, I'm not sure what I'm after, I just need a safe space to talk. I can't open this conversation with in RL. I wouldn't know where to start.

Oh OP I know what it’s like to be walking on egg shells around a grumpy DH. Go put your daughter back to bed, even get in with her if you want. Then ignore his huffing and puffing. I’d pick a stroppy DH over a stroppy toddler for the day!

She's still in our room. If I take her up she will literally chatter none stop resulting in more huffing, puffing and probably some choice words from DP. Being downstairs is definitely the better option.

DD was my 4th pregnancy, I have suffered a lot of pregnancy loss including a stillbirth. Her being in our room gives me reassurance which is why she is still there at such a good age. And one of the things I am seeing the GP about. Not necessarily her sleeping in our room but how the losses have affected me as a parent and are impacting on my parenting.

Her being up for the day at 3am is plain crazy. 4.30am maybe but 3am ?!?!

Tell her it's night time shhhh time to sleep over several times then nothing pretend to be asleep. Don't smile or engage eye contact with her in the night.
Your DH will have to suck it up. He sounds like moron though tbc.

You've probably done all this but persevere. It's not normal.

Definitely get some help on your anxiety

Yes we do that but then the huffing and puffing starts. I did it for about 45mins. Bet the third huff puff and f word I couldn't face anymore.

This isn't a regular thing, we took the side off her cot and it's happened twice in the last week due to her falling out. She has a very active mind so once she's awake she's awake.

I have spoken to my GP and have an appointment today. Thank you.

I had an H like that. He didn't huff and puff at that stuff but everything else. It was fucking exhausting. I found it so toxic. You did well to last to three huffs.

Perhaps a bed guard would help. Or one of those sausage shaped things. Not sure what they are called. She won't fall but can still get out.

Hope things improve for you.

Ps my H is now my exH 😊

Yeah I am constantly on egg shells I must say and it is very tiring. Everything on someone else's terms.

We have some IKEA ones coming today thank goodness. Not sure they will fit the cot as is but I'm hoping I can get them on somehow.

We have been talking about getting a proper bed for DD room for forever which would completely solve problems like last night but we 'never have the money' to buy one except we've probably spent it three times over on things he sees as necessary. It's so annoying.

Walking on egg shells especially when exhausted is awful.

It might help if you place a rolled up towel/blanket or even a couple of cushions underneath the length of the little ones mattress to gently raise it so it sort of slopes and stops hers rolling off.

Thank you. I am so nervous about things like that with my history. There doesn't seem to be any guidance on what's safe sleep wise once they're passed one year old and I know common sense and logic should prevail but I always always just think the worst is going to happen. I know that is a problem and hopefully something my GP visit will help with.

Have you called him out on his bullshit? Or do you just ignore?

I’d be frustrated if my child was up at 3, but then I’d also be making them get back to sleep because it’s not an appropriate waking time, rather than being a dick to my partner about it.

Sounds like you need to tell him he’s being unhelpful and to sleep on the settee whilst you settle DD back down to sleep. Otherwise just let him puff away and tell him he’s being a nob!

Tell the idiot that he has 3 choices:

1. be a proper father and help settle his child 50% of the time
2. put up with you trying to settle your child
3. buy another bed for another room so you can either sleep separately or go there when your child wakes up

I'm so angry for you op. Who do these men think they are?? F%$#ing selfish bastards.

Don't be so hard on yourself, with your history combined with no sleep and your fella huffing and puffing like the big bad wolf it's amazing you haven't rolled him out of the bed. Is there a nice health visitor that you can speak too regarding little ones sleep/sleep safety?

It hasn't crossed my mind to speak to a health visitor actually. That's a great idea thank you.

I tell him but the 'anxiety' always rares its head whenever he's pulled up on anything. He has actually text me today saying his anxiety feels a lot better he's just wiped out today from the disturbed sleep. You know I definitely need to stand my ground more. You lot are giving me courage for the next time to stay put until she does go back to sleep and she will eventually.

Could you try telling him that although you have every sympathy with his anxiety, the way he he (over) reacts to perfectly normal things such as the little one waking up too early is making you feel very anxious and unsupported as well as being constantly wiped out. It can't always be all about him. Stand your ground

Also if he stopped huffing and puffing and just remained silent it would be easier to settle your little one back down. He needs to grow up and realise his behaviour makes you and possibly the baby anxious x

The thing is the anxiety has 'peaked' since I was brave enough to truly open up about how difficult I have found it becoming a mother after such heartache. Almost the moment I said I was speaking to the GP he has had this flare up. I don't if it's because he's worried about me or if he can't bear that someone else might have some support / attention. I'm honestly not sure.

He previously took medication and stopped it just before Covid as he felt he had found ways to manage it himself after a lot of therapy and he seemed to be. Until now.

I am waiting on a call back from the health visitor so that will help me if she can give me advice on what's safe sleep wise. I think moving dp to the other room is what would be best for me 🤣

Not meaning to be nasty but if his anxiety has peaked due to concerns over you then surely he would show you more consideration, I think it's the the second....

Good luck with the HV, hopefully she can help with some useful advice.

I know. I already know that really. We've been together a long time it's not even a surprise I guess I always just think 'one day' but I don't think that days coming. It's shit and thank you I do appreciate all the responses.

I also didn't want to disregard his anxiety, when he first had it he was really poorly and it was terrible but that was at least three years ago. I do suspect he plays on it to suit himself though.

Some habits are hard to break but hopefully that 'one day' will be sooner rather than later.

I fully understand about how very poorly he was but it's childish and manipulative of him to carry on like he does.
Let's know how it goes with the HV

The health visitor is coming to see me a week on Thursday. She knows my history but was surprised to hear how I had been struggling so hopefully that will be helpful although she said straight away the doctor will probably prescribe you something which I really don't think I want so I'm hoping she's just jumping to conclusions.

We ended up talking about other stuff so I didn't get any advice in the end but the IKEA bed guard came and has been installed so hopefully be no rolling out tonight. DD is a good sleeper on a normal night.

Glad the bed guard has arrived, hope you all get a decent night's sleep.

I'm pleased that the HV is coming to see you, it'll be good to have some support in RL.

Thank you so much I really appreciate it.

I have a friend like this OP, her husbands mental health had to overshadow hers and she continues to put herself last and really is 'pouring from an empty cup'. Her health is shocking and she won't/can't do anything about it as her DH is unsupportive. It breaks my heart to see it.

I really hope your Health visitor can be of help to you.

Not sure if you answered this above, tried to read the PPs properly, but can your partner not sleep in a different room if he's so disturbed by the noise. It's not fair for you to have him huffing and puffing and you feeling like you have to go downstairs at 3am! Better yet, can he help with DC a bit more and try getting back to sleep alongside you?

Sounds like he can't bear not to be the centre of everything.

Also, if he's so disturbed by your child waking up, why isn't he trying to settle her?

Honestly he sounds incredibly self-absorbed and selfish. Maybe his MH issues are at root of that, but he is using it to opt out of responsibilities and to dominate the household with no room for anyone else's needs. Which is very convenient for him.

He could help settle her for sure but I guess he goes into a spin about having to get up for work although admittedly the first time it happened it was my work day and his day off. I have now said if this happens again then I will not be relocating so he either puts up with the disturbance or sleeps on the sofa. At least if I stay in the bedroom I have some chance of getting dd back to sleep.

Ideally he would sleep in another room but we have no other beds. It's something we need to sort out when finances allow.

Yes that story sounds familiar.

Oh and I got an IKEA bed rail and that has done the trick!!!!