My best friend is really unhappy with me

[shiningcuckoo]

What it says in the title really. And she's sent me various messages about how she thought we were friends and I've let her down and so on. I've apologized a multitude of times, but she first of all continued to send hurt messages and is now ignoring me.

The story is that I have cancer which will kill me in 18 months without treatment. I have two teenagers and a useless ex. I am having a massive surgery this week at a hospital that specializes in this kind of surgery. I had a similar although less major surgery a couple of years ago. Last time my friend came with me, stayed in accommodation paid for by a charity and then travelled back with me. On our way back she was dropped off at her place and I carried on to my home, about an hour and a half further down the road.

I should add that I don't have a partner. My husband left me a few years ago for an OW. For the last surgery my children stayed with him.

This time my friend has just started a new job and she said at the beginning that it would be very very difficult to come with me again. Which I completely understand. I started to make some arrangements with other friends about bringing me home at least.

She then decided that she would come. I talked her out of coming for the actual surgery because I'm concerned about her missing work, but I said I'd love her to come and see me for the weekend at the her hospital when she's not at work. In any event I'll be in ICU right after the surgery and won't be conscious.

However this time I'm unable to get any funded accommodation for a support person as the rules have changed. Last week my friend messaged me to say that it seems like there is a shortage of accommodation that is affordable for the weekend. I said that if that meant she couldn't come then I understood and maybe she could come and help me at home later on. She said she'd keep on looking and I've heard nothing.

In the meantime I've been approached by a newish friend whose mum lives in the city where my surgery is happening. She said that she'd love to come with me, has time off and can see and stay with her mum. It all seemed so easy. No work problems nor accommodation problems and so I agreed. A day later I told another friend that was my plan. The other friend said that she wanted to try and sort out some practical stuff for me and she was planning to organize a group chat, mainly for my workmates. So she set this up and mentioned my plan to travel down with the newish mum visiting friend.

Now my best friend has completely exploded on me with a series of messages. She was included in the group chat (a surprise to me as I thought this was going to workmates who are local to me) and is really hurt about receiving a generic message about local plans to help me, about my friends tone in the message and about the fact that the newish friend is coming with me.

Certainly I should have told her about the newish friend but in my defence I am Somewhat overwhelmed and I honestly thought that I was causing my best friend problems with taking time off work and money for accommodation. My newish friend is sorted with these things.

So I have tried to explain and I have apologised profusely but she won't have a bar of it. The more I try and explain, the more it sounds like an excuse. And now she is ignoring me.

I'm so upset. I didn't mean to hurt her and she means a lot to me. I'm only just about holding things together anyway and I can feel the cracks starting.

I'm not in the UK so there are no issues about people being on the hospital and visiting me.

I just don't know how to make things right in a way that doesn't come across as a load of excuses.

She isn't being a good friend, in fact she is causing you worry that isn't needed just now, through no fault of yours at all. I'd leave it up to her to contact you now, and she should be the one apologising.

Can you step away from SM at all @shiningcuckoo?

Your best friend is totally out of order and owes you an apology.

“My friend has a potential risky terminal illness and has make or break surgery coming up, this is probably a good time for me to have a rant about how I don’t get to be the special one who looks after her even though I told her it would difficult”

She’s acting like a kid who wasn’t picked by their friends for a team in the playground. All this stuff pales into insignificance next to what you’re going through, and honestly if I was in your shoes, I’d be very angry at her petty attitude.

Usually SM is my friend. If you call messenger SM. I use it to keep in touch with my friends in the UK and I'm in a number of other groups, all of which are positive.

Sorry @shiningcuckoo,just a thought.

Your local friends all sound amazing. What you need is people offering what help they can each provide and not making a big issue of it for you. Your so called best friend is a drain on your resources at a time when YOU and your needs should take centre stage. Tell her if being your friend is causing her this much upset, perhaps she should step away and that you don’t have the energy or mental headspace for this at present. In your head, tell her to fuck off.

Like others have said, please don’t spend any more energy on this person, you have for more important things going on. And while your best friend doesn’t have your back it sounds like you have other local friends and colleagues who will be supportive. Focus on yourself x and good luck with your op and recovery

Having been in similar situations with friends who were having treatment, all of the friendship group rally round to make life as easy as possible for the person undergoing surgery or treatment.
There are no egos when you are in this situation, you all do whatever you can to take the logistical burden and worry away from the patient-friend.
When you are undergoing something major and serious, you need definite plans in place - it isn't really practical to wait around for people to work out whether they can or can't help out - you need plans in place so you can stop worrying about that aspect and concentrate your efforts on dealing with your surgery.

Frankly I think your friend is being awful (sorry - I realise you are very fond of her and it may well be that her sadness is coming out as anger - but she's doing things all wrong).

I think if you contact her maybe say something along the lines of 'I have apologised and explained and that is all I can do. I would like to draw a line under it and be on good terms again. My time is too precious for petty squabbles and I would like to go to my surgery knowing my friends wish me well and are there for me'

Hopefully she will come around and realise what is really important here.

OP, I’ve been through similar. I don’t have cancer but I had a massive brain tumour. It would have killed me in the week. Long surgery to remove it then additional tumour found 2 years later. I needed to have strong radiotherapy twice in 18 months. Now I’m waiting for 2nd surgery for a different tumour. I’m fine and really, scarily, unfazed by it BUT my daily friends disappeared - NEVER heard from some again, some sent a single third party message, others sent one message and ONE sent a card. I was / am really gutted about this. Desperately so but…

One person that didn’t disappear, but rather appeared out of nowhere was one I hadn’t seen for 20 yrs. Another who appeared was an ex colleague I hadn’t seen for 10 yrs. The third was a recent colleague not seen for 4 years. If you’d asked me who would be there, I wouldn’t have thought of these 3 ever but they did and they were / are amazingly good friends now.

I haven’t spoken to the others. They aren’t blocked, I’ve unfriended / unfollowed most and stopped posting on fb and Twitter. It hurts, still, that I got it so wrong with them and they weren’t true friends or willing to deal with their fears and keep in contact. I’m still not over it but I’ve accepted it.

It’s a shit feeling but your local friends sound amazing and I would nurture them and let them help when they offer. Leave your “bf” alone. Don’t allow her to be an emotional vampire - it will suck you dry if you let it.

Stay calm 🌻

The “best friend” tag doesn’t sound like this is a typical adult friendship. Has she maybe always been a bit possessive and controlling and you didn’t have a habit of sticking up for yourself and usually just went along with her ideas for an easy life? I had a friend like this, and it all blew up when I started to stand up for myself a bit more and she didn’t like it. It’s rubbish that she can’t put her feelings to one side in this time when you really need her to, and rubbish that you’re having to deal with the stress of her now. Her behaviour is incredibly selfish & immature & you’re well rid now she’s shown you her true colours. I know it hurts though. Good luck with your op. 🌺

Oh god. I think things might have got worse. My friend got back to me accepting my apology and saying that she had been really angry with me and had said words she shouldn't have. I know that it would have been more appropriate if she had apologised to me but i let it go on the basis that sometimes it's better to be kind than right.

My surgery is very soon and I'm here waiting. My newish friend is with me but she will stay with me only until Saturday. My original friend had said that she would come and join me for the weekend. She called me today and said that she's now not coming as i already have someone to run around after me for the weekend. Which means that newish friend will come and see me on Friday and in all likelihood not again and then I'm on my own. No one visiting or helping me to stand up , I don't even know how I am going to get my clothes washed. My original friend says that she might be able to come and get me the following weekend, but I have no idea whether I'll be discharged before then. She cant come earlier nor later because of work.
I am super stressed about all of this and feel incredibly lonely.

Shiningcuckoo delurking to wish you well for the surgery. I know it's not easy but you need to just focus on today right now. Your friend isn't worthy of that title.Thinking of you x

This is rubbish. You need to put this out there on thr group chat. Im sure your local friends can devise something to help you, or ask the friend to stay on longer. My main point is to ask directly so you don't have to stress about it.

Jesus Christ. The whole POINT of having friends is that they make hard times easier. They lighten the load so to speak. Even if she is pissed off at you then surely she’d just suck it up because you’ve got enough to worry about. That’s what I would do in her situation but then again I’m an exceptional friend in all seriousness, you’ve got enough going on with out having to manage her childishness. Sack her off.

Oh my gosh - what is your friend thinking!

You do whatever is best for you and you really shouldn't have to worry about any of this other stuff. You should only need to concentrate on feeling better after your treatment and your friends should work around your needs.

Hopefully she's just feeling emotional right now and will realise that she's got this wrong. There's still time for her to put this right and I hope she does.

I think the only tiny leeway I would give her is possibly feeling upset and worried about what you are going through. But if that's the case, she needs to put it to the back of her mind until she is alone or out of your sight, to get upset about it.

She doesn't sound like a best friend anyone would want. They are meant to help, not have dramas and cause you more problems, especially when you are the one going through all the operations and treatments.
I would send the same message, sent to both your new friendship group and to her separately stating exactly what you need help with this weekend and how long you may need this help for. I have a feeling your new friends will be there to help you, and then when you are feeling up to it, you can decide if you still want her in your life.
I wish you well in your operation and recovery, and hope it helps for you to have a long and happy future

She is an absolute HORROR.

Your friend is being an arse making this about her. You focus on you you don't need her negativity. Good luck with your treatment x

She wanted to be a hero in the eyes of all your groups. Not in real life sadly..
Good luck with everything op..

I have recently had a surgery and relied on my friends for support.
They ALL supported me no questions asked. Even my oldest friend who lives at the other end of the country so couldn't physically help has sent me cards and made lots of phone calls and sent messages.

My point is that good friends make tough times easier, not harder SD I'm sure your local friends will step up.

I suspect that your old friend's behaviour may possibly be wrapped up in her fear of losing you but to be honest whatever her reason I think you need to take a step back from her she is being an utterly selfish cunt and horribly manipulative (and I don't say that lightly)

Please reach out to your local friend group.

I'd also suggest telling your 'old friend' that her changing her plans last minute has really left you in the lurch and that her behaviour is causing you dreadful anxiety at what us already a stressful time. That you love her but cannot cope with constantly pacifying her, or prioritising her feelings as all your focus needs to be on managing your illness. So if she cannot support you it might be better to sever ties as she's making an already horrible time harder than it needs to be.

I'm really sorry you are having to go through all of this.

Your friend is being a prick in all honesty and I would just leave her to it.

Can you put a message on the group chat with your local friends asking for some help this weekend. I know I'd have no problem with being asked or giving help in this situation

So instead of her being supportive of you she’s making it about herself? Yeah don’t waste your energy feeling guilty or upset.

Praying for your recovery and I hope the surgery goes well.

OP, your friendship group's help seems a little unreliable and is causing a lot of stress. Are you in touch with Macmillan at all? If so they may be able to advise you on whether there is any help with lifts znd after discharge etc so you don't need to worry about all the politics around relying on friends. They have a helpline you can just call even if you're not accessing them already.

Do you know what, I'd tell her exactly how you feel.

Dear friend. I am too sick and stressed to worry about your feelings a minute longer. Come, or don't come. You've made the run up to this surgery unbearable and I'm really hurt. But just know that now you've dicked me about I don't have anyone to help me, so yeah, I'm annoyed.
I hope that you can see that I've tried to be the best friend I can, can you say the same? My life is short.if you want to be friends, fine, apologise and be normal. If not, I'm done with chasing you around apologising for something l, actually, I'm not even sure I needed to apologise for. There. That's the truth, do with it what you will.

But I know you can't send that. So maybe keep typing out responses until you find the one that hits the mark for you. Best of luck with everything. I hope your friend sees sense and starts behaving better.

I'm so sorry that you are going through something so horrible and on top of this have had this friend being bonkers nasty at you.

Do you think she doesn't realise your other friend is only there until Saturday and that you will need help Saturday evening, Sunday and onwards? Either way I would try not to be reliant on her now as she seems awfully unreliable. I agree with contacting Macmillan, and your consultant, and maybe social services too. If it's all overwhelming, try asking the group whatsapp for somebody who can ring macmillan, social services etc on fact finding missions; a lot of people who can't commit physical presence can help with phone calls and would be more than happy to. They (Macmillan etc) obviously won't talk to strangers about you but it might be helpful to have somebody else do the research and the thinking and present you with a "okay, you need to ring this phone number, tell them X and ask for Y support..."

If the original friend is off with you again, it might help you to have a simple stock phrase handy to deal with it. Something like "This is my life threatening cancer journey and what I need from you is your unconditional love and support. Please vent your negative emotions elsewhere because it is not fair to ask me to do emotional labour for you at this time."