Sometimes I feel as though I hate my life

[endofjune]

I don’t, and in fact I have a lovely life in many ways. I don’t want to be told I’m unreasonable here, it’s about how I feel about stuff, not whether I’m right or wrong to have those feelings and what I can do going forward.

This house is actually dps: when we moved in together it made sense for me to come here as much bigger. But this may sound petty but hardly anything in it is mine. A couple of bits of things like lamps and mirrors and I’ve added small things to make life easier like bookcases and door hooks and pictures and cushions but for the most part it’s all his. His style of decor and his furniture. And just sometimes I don’t feel like it’s my home.

This is exacerbated by the fact dp works from home and has done so for well over a year now. He works in the dining room. The layout of the house is kitchen, dining room, lounge. The dining room has french doors that look out onto the garden. So if I want to sit in the garden dp is looking directly at me unless I go to the very far corner! If I sit in the lounge and chat to our baby or sing songs or the baby is shouting he can hear. It’s so so hard to explain what the issue is but I know because he isn’t out much but when he is I interact so much better with the baby, usually by playing music and singing along or reading or just chatting. So during the day I get very little downtime because of this. I get round this by being out as much as possible. It’s fine but I’m starting to resent it.

I think I’m struggling with not feeling like I have a proper home. Like I’m living in DPs home/office. And I hate that. I also know objectively there’s no issue. He certainly isn’t abusive or nasty - the opposite, he’s a good and kind man - but I am starting to feel a bit strange about it all.

I moved into my DP house also, and felt the same! It's been four years now and over that time I've redecorated, added more personal touches etc. Can you chat with your DP and explain how're feeling and say that maybe redecorating would help?

I also feel you on being at home with the baby while DP is working in the communal area-we are also the same and finding that very difficult so I can't be much help there I'm afraid. I had a meltdown about it this week so DP is going to head to the office a few mornings a week now (his HR department ok'd it!)

I’m glad it’s not just me. It’s so hard to talk about because I don’t want to sound like I’m ordering him back to the office but it would help to be honest, even if only once a week and especially when the summer comes and there aren’t as many baby classes on.

I know it’s no ones fault with the decor it’s just one of those things. In time we might well move so that would solve the problem but right now I just feel displaced.

You need to talk to him. He sounds nice. He will listen. Why suffer when you can change things?

Could it be that you’re actually introverted and need time alone?

DH is working from home the last year and a half and I can hear him blinking now and it drives me insane. I need time alone to recharge and I can’t get a sufficient amount!

Well yes, he is nice, but it’s very difficult to verbalise.

Lots of threads on here about partners WFH have people saying that they don’t see the problem and would love to have their partners there all the time. It is unreasonable to ask him to leave his own home, I get that. But I also feel under constant observation and that’s hard.

It may be an unpopular view on mumsnet but I’ve never been convinced that there are only two types and they fall into intovert/extrovert, I think everyone enjoys time with others and time alone to different degrees

I sympathise as I moved into DP’s home which obviously was all his taste. Two things helped; first, we talked about it and gradually started replacing some items with things we chose together; we sold the old items on eBay. Second, eventually we moved house into one that we chose together. I get that moving will not be practical for everyone but I don’t think it would be impossible for you to claim some part of the house to be arranged and decorated as you prefer, maybe with your DP’s input too?

Things that might help - voile curtains oh the French door so light comes on but view is obscured a bit. Dp using noise cancelling headphones to listen to music or carry out calls. Get yourself a screen or tent to play with in the garden or build a trellis or raised bed thing so there's more privacy. Get out to the park more. Claim a corner of the house and have lots of your stuff there.

I think really this is about having some time to yourself and space to express yourself - make sure you get out on your own or to see friends sometimes, even if it's just coffee or a walk round the block. You lose your identity as a mother, if you have no space or time to be yourself then it's even worse.

I do. I am constantly out: baby classes and meeting friends and walks in the park and the woods and feeding the ducks. But it gets exhausting, to be honest, and when I’ve had a bad night I’d love to just stay in my pyjamas and chat nonsense to the baby and mess about on here.

We can’t really do any of those things in the garden, it’s just not big enough.

In fairness my stuff is everywhere but it’s not so much stuff I miss as looking around and it feeling like home, in the way my house did. With decor I had chosen. It’s petty, I know it is, but while there is nothing wrong whatsoever with this house it doesn’t look the way I would personally have chosen.

No, we don’t chair but I do own property so am not concerned about that.

Ah, I imagine there are many people like you who crave just some of their own time and space.

Have a think about what the problem really is.

If the house was still decorated the same, but DP was out at work every day, would you feel more relaxed?

If DP was working from home everyday, but the house had a new look, would you feel better?

If it's the first option - you're probably in the same boat as many people who now find themselves 'living in a workspace' and maybe look to get some balance there?

I totally understand where you are coming from op as we have a similar downstairs layout and my dh has been wfh since March 2020.

I think you need to take your dp out to a park and have a picnic or something and get his full attention, have a serious talk, and say you feel observed and describe what you have said in your op. Ignore any posters who come on here and say that YABU because how you feel is how you feel and you have put up with it for a while now, so its not as though you haven't given it a good go.

Would it be possible for you to swap his working area to a bedroom upstairs before the summer? Or an office shed in the garden? And could you settle on a budget which you could use to redecorate a couple of rooms and make them more your own? Even make just one room totally your own? Like a snug or a sewing or hobby room or something to where you can retreat? And put up some living screens in the garden to section areas off for privacy, like a pergola?

Also, to what extent do you feel you need "permission" from your dp to change stuff? How welded is he to his decor choices? I ask because my sister moved in to her DHs-to-be house and treated everything with great reverence and didn't change anything, despite wanting to, thinking her fiancé wouldn't like it. And it turns out he couldn't have given a toss and he really wasnt bothered/hardly noticed when she did eventually make changes so she could have saved herself a lot of angst by just talking to him about it.

Good luck op. I am much more single minded and productive on my own so I totally understand where you ate coming from. Especially with a young child which means you are tied to the house a bit more than you would be ordinarily.

I would feel exactly the same OP. You say he is your partner? On a side note are you financially protected and on the deeds of his house? If you aren't married and raising his child you can be vulnerable if the relationship faltered. Anyway, back to you thread. When a friend of mine moved into her partners home they got stuck in and completely redecorated it to both their tastes. The furniture was sold and money put towards new pieces. There are times she still feels it isn't her true home but it feels much better for her to be there now without his taste and stuff everywhere. The WFH must be very difficult, I like time to myself to just potter without another presence in the house. Hopefully he will go back soon. Always look after your mental health too and talk to your partner about your issues. He sounds like a lovely man.

Does your house have a better lay out ?
Although it’s smaller would it work better ?
Have you thought about living at your place, without him, until you buy together ?

We can’t dinosaur, there are tenants in it and I have a new job I’m starting in a couple of months. It would be too long a commute.

litterbird we aren’t married but I don’t feel I’m in a vulnerable position financially as things stand, we both own property in our names, we both work, he does earn a fair bit more than me but then he has supported me financially throughout maternity leave (as he should really) so I’m not worried about this at the moment. The only time it would be a worry is if we sold both properties and took on a joint mortgage, this is when I’d ensure I was protected.

petal it’s actually a bungalow. I don’t know if moving into a bedroom would be possible (I can’t pretend to know the ins and outs of his work but some is talking on a phone which is connected in the dining room, not sure if this is possible to move) but moving into a bedroom would not really make that much difference, to be honest.

DontDrink it’s really hard to say.

Because of the way things worked with lockdowns and so on I haven’t properly been at work since March 2020. I’m going back soon and maybe it’s just dawning on me this is my life now. It feels a bit relentless, like I’ll either be at work or in a house that isn’t mine permanently occupied by someone lovely but someone THERE!

You need to talk to him -

• about him maybe moving to another room to work (spare bedroom?)
• or going into the office a couple of times a week.
• And about being able to put your own stamp into the decor, redecorating some of the rooms to joint or your own taste.

You're a family sharing a home, it should feel like it, not like you're a long term guest or lodger.

I think it does feel like that, a bit. It will probably be easier when I am back at work as obviously money is tight at the moment but then I’ll be able to afford new sofas and so on.

I think it’s just - these are petty but to get them out, there are carpets nearly everywhere, including the bathroom, I’m more of a wooden floor fan myself

The sofas aren’t comfortable at all, to be fair to dp he has said this a few times. So I guess when I’m back at work we could go sofa shopping.

I’m being really unfair I suppose. But this is where it’s good to vent a bit on MN.

It's not unfair to want to make your home more like your home.

You live together, you have a child together, why wouldn't you be able to "nest" a bit?

And ewww to carpet in the bathroom!

@endofjune

I think it does feel like that, a bit. It will probably be easier when I am back at work as obviously money is tight at the moment but then I’ll be able to afford new sofas and so on.

I think it’s just - these are petty but to get them out, there are carpets nearly everywhere, including the bathroom, I’m more of a wooden floor fan myself

The sofas aren’t comfortable at all, to be fair to dp he has said this a few times. So I guess when I’m back at work we could go sofa shopping.

I’m being really unfair I suppose. But this is where it’s good to vent a bit on MN.

Carpet in the bathroom!!!!!!! OP its time to get the house sorted! In time you will make his house your home too with new flooring and a comfortable sofa (cant stand uncomfortable seating). I am just wondering if your unhappiness is stemming from the fact that you mentioned earlier that "this is my life now". Well, yes, it is going to be it. You live with your partner, you have a baby and going back to work soon. This where some of the mundane parts of life kick in and its time to get your head down and raise your lovely child together to provide a home and security. You need to still have fun though and get babysitters organised to you both can go out with friends/family and have good laugh. Do you have hobbies together or interests? If not, get them as you might start dying a slow death of boredom and it maybe already starting. So nip it in the bud and start organising a life to enjoy.

I moved into DPs house also. It's basically a man cave. I love him and I enjoy being here but I'm ultimately going to get a small flat of my own close by and we'll live out of each others houses like when we first got together. I want my own home and stuff too much!

@Hangingover Won't he make any compromises about the living space you share? Seems strange to get a place of your own rather than adapt to each other a bit.

I would feel exactly the same about everything, but I'd have drawn up some lists and I'd be ticking them off one by one. Dh is also wfh but is up in the loft away and out of the road but still his never ending presence is doing my head in.

You need to get it all out and come up with solutions together. Then you start making plans and ticking off each of the issues. It sounds to me that you are focussing on the problems rather than solutions. That's always a route to misery. Life will not always be like this. We'll all go back to normal and then we'll be moaning that we never have enough time together.

Lots of time in your own head going round and round looking for problems is not healthy. I recognise it because I was really really good at it. Going back to work will probably solve that as you won't have time to focus on minutiae.

I’ve had this.

I basically just treated the house as mine and mentally took ownership of it, it made it better and I said, I’m either your partner or I’m not, I have houseroom here or I don’t and if I’d do I’m going to go ahead and make changes. At the minute you exist in a little box he’s allocated, and you’re absolutely allowed to take up space

Unless he’s strongly design-minded he should be ok with it.