Would you be happy in a “pocketed” relationship?

[TossaCoinToYerWitcher]

Just been reading a couple of articles about this. It’s basically when, despite being in a serious relationship (i.e. it’s no longer early days and you could-habit), barely anyone in the wider world knows it exists. For example, if your partner regularly posts on social media, not only do they not disclose their relationship status but there’s no posts of you together or mention of you in any of their posts - and if you make a comment they don’t respond. You may as well be an old school friend they’ve not seen for years. Most of their friends don’t know you exist, and the (very few) who do you never socialise with or get officially introduced. And whilst their parents might know about you, you never actually spend time with them.

Most of the articles make out it’s a bad thing - that it shows your partner doesn’t really respect you enough to put you before others who they fear may judge. Or else it’s a way of controlling you. Whatever, it’s not healthy.

But then I thought of someone I know who behaves exactly this way. And they seem to be fairly happy. Both are older divorcees with young kids and I think it suits them to be invisible to each other’s social circles - each would be happy to stay at home and do their own thing whilst the other goes out with their family or meets up with friends. They can be as antisocial as they like. Plus, I imagine in keeps an element of clandestine romance alive.

I couldn’t do it though. What about you?

*co-habit not could-habit!

I think it's extremely peculiar.

I don't use FB, so I can't comment on that - but I'd certainly expect to socialise with my partner's friends and family if we lived together.

Each to their own - but they are weirdos imo.

I never disclose my relationship status on social media. If you are that important to me in real life then you know I'm in a long term relationship but I don't feel the need for acquaintances to know details about my private life.

Personally I think a private life is a happy life and don't feel the need to over share things with others. Often the ones who declare their undying love on Facebook regularly are miserable in real life.

Don't read into social media - it means sod all at the end of the day. What matters is real life. Does he go out with his friends and parents and never invites you? If so that's odd. Obviously I wouldn't expect to go with my partner every family visit or every drink with his friends but there are also plenty of occasions where it's good for me to be there too! It's odd if he's keeping you a complete secret, and it'd make me wonder if he was one of those people you read about who have a totally secret life.

@mog27

I never disclose my relationship status on social media. If you are that important to me in real life then you know I'm in a long term relationship but I don't feel the need for acquaintances to know details about my private life.

Personally I think a private life is a happy life and don't feel the need to over share things with others. Often the ones who declare their undying love on Facebook regularly are miserable in real life.

Why does it have to be either/or? I’m barely on social media at all but out of 20 or so pics of me on FB over the past 15 years at least half are with my partner and/or our family. We have at least 50 friends in common if not more, including both of our extended families. I don’t post things to him or about how I feel about him I wonder about those people too but I posted when our children were born. It is also clear that I have taken his surname.

I don’t post to wish him s happy anniversary or about what a great dad he is or any other lovey stuff. I do that privately. But it would be evident to anyone who looks that I am married snd he is my husband. I would not tolerate what OP is talking about.

My sister had a very similar relationship to what you are describing. I knew she was seeing this guy but nobody else did. They were both "older divorcees" as you describe them. They were seeing each other for years and it was pretty passionate from what I could gather. I could never understand why they kept it a secret . Their kids were grown up so really it wouldn't have been a problem to just say "I've been seeing John " and to take each other along to family events .

Then about 2 years ago he died. My Dsis was shattered, but because their relationship had been so secretive, nobody knew and so nobody showed any sympathy to her. His DC did all the arrangements for his funeral etc, and although she went along , she just had to stay out of the family group because they didn't know about her.

She ended up talking to his sister about the relationship, and the sister tried to include Dsis in the arrangements about the scattering of his ashes , but it wasn't really very satisfying for my sister. She felt like an unwanted guest , since his kids had no idea of who she was and why she wanted to be there .

It was like she suddenly wanted to tell the world about the relationship but it was all too late. Two years down the track, she is still a mess emotionally, talks about him all the time. You'd swear it was "the affair of the century" the way she talks. I'm sure that by them keeping it such a secret, it has now prevented her from grieving properly.

It's one thing to keep things a bit private, but I wouldn't recommend taking it too far.

If both members of the couple are happy with it, what's the problem?

The couple OP knows may simply be 'private people' or perhaps their children aren't ready for them to date so they're keeping the relationship on the down low for that reason.

Now, it if was a one sided thing with one member of a couple refusing to acknowledge the relationship or involve the person they're seeing with their friends/family, no way I'd ever put up with that!

I'm kind of like this. I dont deny his existance or place in my life. I just don't bring him up first. I dont feel the need to drag him to events with me or need him by my side constantly. I'm not on social media so I don't really know what I'd do there. When someone asks me if I have a partner I say "yes John". But I dont offer that information first. And, for example, if during a convo I say something like "I went to London at the weekend" only then if asked if I went with anyone I would say "yes John". I didn't know that was weird haha. I just see myself an individual. He's part of my life but he's not my whole life iykwim.

On the otherhand my friend drags her husband to everything. Her FB profile photo is them two and every post is about them and their kids. That is her identity.

The whole splurging about your other half all over social media is weird and boring to me.

I'm on Facebook but I dunno I rarely post about the kids and practically never about DH.

All this thank you wife for a wonderful day feeling blessed stuff is dullsville and kind of needy.

I don't think I'd want to be with a bloke who did all that. In fact I know I wouldn't.

Real life is s different matter.

'Most of their friends don’t know you exist, and the (very few) who do you never socialise with or get officially introduced. And whilst their parents might know about you, you never actually spend time with them.'

Do you mean social media friends?

Or their actual real life friends that they go out to the pub with etc?

I have had no desire to spend time with the parents of any of my boyfriends! So no problem.

I would say that if you've been together for years and you've never met his friends that he sees regularly and his parents don't know about you, then something is wrong.

I think you have just discribed my relationship

I post alot on social media Dp doesn't, neither of us has our relationship status known. My friends do know about him, but I could probably count on one hand how many have met him, he barely spends anytime with my parents but also I don't, but when I do see them, he is normally working.

Its been 10 years now with one child, my friendships have changed, certainly since we have had a child, we have no family support so if I want to go out (or he does) one has to stay home.

Just because we are a partnership and in love doesn't mean that we share the same friends, I like his friends, but the only thing I have in common with them is DP. I am sure he likes my friends but again the only thing he has in common with most of them is me.

We have a couple of mutal friends

Sometimes that is how it works.

I agree and feel the same as Mog27.

My relationship is like this a little, we don't socialise together at all. We don't have any mutual friends and I prefer to see my friends without our partners. He has no friends and his family live far away. I see my family often but he rarely comes, I prefer to catch up with them alone and it's a good opportunity for us to spend time apart. He doesn't use social media so he has never commented on my posts or made a post about me. He's no secret though and my friends and family ask how he is doing.

It depends. If it's so he can shag about then no. If it's because he's embarrassed to be seen with me then no. I wouldn't be in a relationship where I was hidden away for bad reasons

But assuming no awful reason it sounds fine to me. I don't need to be 'claimed' or paraded around and it means I won't have to deal with his family or friends and all the potential issues that brings up.

Once I left home, I never used to tell my family about blokes I went out with. The only man I ever introduced to my parents is the one I subsequently married.

I am in one of these due to my DP of 2 years having an incredibly abusive and controlling ex. I have seen objective evidence and the few of his friends I have met fully support his story.

I don’t go to his house because she watches it. We don’t appear on each other’s social media. I’ve not met his teenage kids. We don’t go out in certain pubs, restaurants and places because she is known to socialise there. He is a fully integrated part of my life but I may never be able to be a proper part of his without opening myself and my 10year old DD up to abuse.

We have no plans to live together and it wouldn’t be possible due to his ex even if we wanted to (to be fair I never wanted to).

It’s tricky sometimes and now and then it gets me down or annoys me that she controls our plans but I’ve seen the damage she can do. I’ve heard about it from his friends and his parents. I see the texts and emails she sends if he has to unblock her to talk kids. I don’t need that evil in my life and this is a small price to pay to keep it at arms length.

I would find parts of it weird unless there was a good reason.
A lot of that sounds like the other person is embarrassed to be with them to me! I would find it very upsetting if I commented on my partners social media and they completely ignored me but replied to other people.
My husband doesn't use social media but he wouldn't dream of hiding me away!
I can't understand it myself unless there is a very very good reason

nah, wouldn't ever work with us.
I can keep very specific secrets but they are a bother so I don't like to have them.
It would stress me out to have to keep a relationship in secret. sounds like so much work.

and when I was pg with DS5 for the first time we found out sex of the baby and DH really struggled to not tell anyone for the next 20 weeks. he almost slipped a few times. there's no way he could keep a wife and a whole family secret from everyone else.

in fact on our 4th date he invited me to his nephew's birthday and to meet his oldest brother & family.
by then I'd met FIL and anyway I met MIL because I met DH🤣

*before I met DH

not because

It would be perfect for me.

I think its not always obvious on the outside whether it's pocketed or private.

IRL Dp and I are not remotely pocketed. We live together , he is very much a co parent to DC and those closest to us know we are about to get married and we are solid. All of that said if you looked from the outside...we do not ever mention or communicate on SM (no particular reason neither of us really posts in FB or twitter etc we just follow groups really). Logistically both our families are spread far and wide and have little interaction anyway.

Again for no particular reason other than pre existing family dynamics. We have met each others families but once in 5 years for both of us. We are incredibly private people and most interactions with the outside world are separate. So I get on with the school mums but they have little interaction DP.

We probably do live quite an isolated life. We both WFH and we only socialise together because it suits us now at our age. I ensure DC have relationships with the outside world but whilst DP would happily take them and help with that it hasn't been needed. We aren't remotely a secret but if you looked from the outside you rarely see us together . If you didn't know us very well you may well not know about the other one other than by chance.

In reality we spend all of our downtime together. We are incredibly close...far closer than I was with Exdh.

I think its usually the case of not all being what it seems to the outside world. You could barely find a reference in standard SM to us being together. If at all. Its the most solid relationship I have ever had.

I think it's fine if both parties are on the same page. However I know someone who's been seeing her partner for a few years now. Except he doesn't acknowledge their relationship on social media or in real life, won't introduce her to his children or family, won't allow her to meet his friends, have dates at home rather than go out. He would drop her in an instance if his estranged wife said she'd take him back. He's a loser but she is obsessed with the idea that one day they will be a proper couple

Most of their friends don’t know you exist, and the (very few) who do you never socialise with or get officially introduced. And whilst their parents might know about you, you never actually spend time with them.

It doesn't sound like a serious relationship to me. You're just in a box. Very odd to keep it from friends and family. Social media, meh.

It just means that you look single when you're not. And what happens if one of you is in an accident or dies unexpectedly, you might not even get told at the time and no-one will know to support your grief seriously.

Imagine. He dies and you're grief-stricken and everyone thinks you're mental and had an imaginary relationship with the guy.

Social media thing isn't that weird, people overshare anyway.
To each their own.
I probably wouldn't be very happy, but that's just me.

I do this my private life is private I don't need to splash it on social media.