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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you be happy in a “pocketed” relationship?

29 replies

TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 27/06/2021 02:06

Just been reading a couple of articles about this. It’s basically when, despite being in a serious relationship (i.e. it’s no longer early days and you could-habit), barely anyone in the wider world knows it exists. For example, if your partner regularly posts on social media, not only do they not disclose their relationship status but there’s no posts of you together or mention of you in any of their posts - and if you make a comment they don’t respond. You may as well be an old school friend they’ve not seen for years. Most of their friends don’t know you exist, and the (very few) who do you never socialise with or get officially introduced. And whilst their parents might know about you, you never actually spend time with them.

Most of the articles make out it’s a bad thing - that it shows your partner doesn’t really respect you enough to put you before others who they fear may judge. Or else it’s a way of controlling you. Whatever, it’s not healthy.

But then I thought of someone I know who behaves exactly this way. And they seem to be fairly happy. Both are older divorcees with young kids and I think it suits them to be invisible to each other’s social circles - each would be happy to stay at home and do their own thing whilst the other goes out with their family or meets up with friends. They can be as antisocial as they like. Plus, I imagine in keeps an element of clandestine romance alive.

I couldn’t do it though. What about you?

OP posts:
category12 · 27/06/2021 10:53

Do you really? So your actual real life friends and families don't know about him?

The opening post isn't just about social media.

DK123 · 27/06/2021 11:20

If people use social media a lot, then yes I think it's very strange. If they have a Facebook and never use it, then no.
The rest of it is strange too. I can understand not wanting to share all your business with the world and his dog, but being cagey to the extent described in OP's post would really concern me if I had hopes of a proper relationship progressing. I would think the person was secretive, I would wonder if there was someone in particular they were hiding things from, whether they were controlling, whether the parents were an issue in some way. It wouldn't sit well.
I don't like relationships where people live in each other's pockets and are joined at the hip, but if people aren't generally friendly, open and welcoming of a significant other into their lives, my attitude would be that I wasn't interested any more.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 27/06/2021 11:21

@category12

Imagine. He dies and you're grief-stricken and everyone thinks you're mental and had an imaginary relationship with the guy.
🤣🤣🤣
GrumpyTerrier · 27/06/2021 11:57

Yep mine is like this and it is fine. Together 15 years married 5, happy, normal etc. But he isnt on social media and I don't mention our relationship on there. Some friends know about it, some dont. We don't socialise with each others' families but that is partly cos they are someone socially unsually and partly cos they live far away. He isn't social at all really so we would never be one of those socialising couples. It's all very relaxed and fine and mutual and pleasant tbh. Our relationship is ours, private, happy. If it works for the couple then it works.

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