Too wrapped up in friendships?

[Pulloverjumperorsweater]

Hello!

Does anyone else feel like their friendships take up WAY too much mental space? I have taken leave from work to work on a creative project and I’m concerned that my ongoing preoccupation with my friends will greatly reduce my output.

For example, one friend hasn’t replied to a message I sent a week ago. It’s on my mind every day. When he does get around to replying, (as before), he will expect me to be immediately available. Drives me crazy!

Another friend: we fell out because I let everything bubble up inside and then it all came out in one weak moment. That was over a year ago and I still think of her all the time. The grief was immense.

Another friend drives me nuts because he has so many faces & people fall for it. He turns it on & off as needed but only I and his family and wife know how much an a-hole hw can be. Everyone else goes on about how much they love him.

I have many friendships and get on well with people but inside my thoughts & frustrations swirl away. I’ve done loads of counselling & pretty much reached the end of the road with it. I just need to find a way to prioritise myself and care less…easier said than done…

Any tips or what do you think?

It's hard to say whether you are for some reason prone to toxic friendships, otherwise normal friendships get too intense for the other person because of your intensity or you are vulnerable to arseholes and don't spot red flags when building friendships for some reason.

You say you reached the end of the road with counselling - do you mean that you saw a counsellor and don't feel any clearer or why this friendships seem to be an issue for you? This could be a case of you not finding the right counsellor yet.

Or have you seen multiple ones and had a variety of discussions with different people about it and feel none the wiser?

What are your own thoughts on why this keeps happening?

Thanks for replying.

I’ve been to multiple counsellors and I’m very self-reflective and given to overthinking so counselling just makes me worse. It helped me become much more assertive though and I definitely had the right counsellor (but being bothered by friends has been my tendency my whole life).

Why do I think it keeps happening? I think I probably try too hard and in the past, I kept my own high standards even if others didn’t. So for example, the friend who takes a week to reply: from now on, I’m not going to reply quickly to him either and he might get the message.

My friendships aren’t toxic. It’s not that extreme at all. My friends are good people and so am I but so many of my friendships cause me such inner turmoil. I am very sensitive and I pick up on every subtle thing, which can be hard on the heart.

When he does get around to replying, (as before), he will expect me to be immediately available.
Can you speak on this a little more? Is it that he expects that or is it that you naturally reply immediately and so feel that is his expectation wheres actually he might not expect that?

It sounds like you have toxic friends and bad boundaries. If your friend texts you back after a week why do you need to be immediately available to him? Just don’t reply if it’s not convenient. If he questions this remind him that he does not reply immediately and you don’t need to either.

Why do you continue a friendship with a friend you describe as two faced and an ‘a-hole?’ If he’s unpleasant you don’t need to be his friend at all.

You need new friends.

Honestly, no, I have never felt turmoil or any level of discomfort about my friends since my school days. I left those people behind with school.

Perhaps you need a bit of a detox? Message them, saying you're working on a project and won't be around much for a week or so, set your phobe to do not disturb with exceptions for work, parents or anyone who might need you in an emergency and out the phone aside.

When he does get around to replying, (as before), he will expect me to be immediately available.
Can you speak on this a little more? Is it that he expects that or is it that you naturally reply immediately and so feel that is his expectation wheres actually he might not expect that?

Well the last time he waited a week to reply, he left a voice message on WhatsApp suggesting a phone call the next day. Meanwhile he hasn’t listened to my voice message on WhatsApp for a week so i could have been suggesting a phone call the next day, if you get me ….

Right now he still hasn’t listened to my reply to that message sent over a week ago …

Why do you continue a friendship with a friend you describe as two faced and an ‘a-hole?’ If he’s unpleasant you don’t need to be his friend at all

Because we are part of a bigger group since childhood and he is seriously loved. He has different sides you see & I've been unlucky enough to see his dark side! I’ve tried to create distance but he continues to make an effort with me.

@Cam2020

That’s inconceivable to me! Even the nicest People are obviously flawed & sometimes unreliable though. I’m amazed at that.

Yeah the detox is a great idea. I might just do that. God knows they’re good at prioritising themselves. I hate this feeling of waiting on a response from someone.

I just wish friendships didn’t cause so much pain & anxiety.

This is not normal. Your boundaries are not set properly. I have 5 close friendships. They give me nothing but pleasure, no grief, no irritation, and haven't done for years. If anything is ever an issue, very rarely, I casually mention it and we move on.

Friendships don't cause pain and anxiety.

If they do, they aren't friendships

And you shouldn't feel obligated to remain friends with someone based on how long you have known them or if everyone else thinks they are great. So what. You know they aren't. It really really shouldn't be this much hard work.

Ah op I hear you, I've also been like this in the past and really had to work on my boundaries with friends. For me it was a combo of being too invested in friendships, probably expecting too much back and also picking some wronguns along the way. I find having a hobby that takes up a lot of time and headspace has really helped also you are more likely to meet like-minded people there.
Unfortunately if your a bit of a people pleaser (I was) you can attract some toxic friends, just concentrate on doing what makes you happy and if these people are genuine friends they will be happy for you and slot into your life, if not you have your answer...

Thank you very much for the replies and perspectives.

Boundaries came up a lot in counselling and my ex couldn’t believe how badly two of my friends treated me (one is the lady I ultimately fell out with, the other the PR guy).

It’s hard not to be friends with that man as everyone is literally always saying how much they love him & they’ve all known him a long time too but not as closely as I know him. In truth, he behaves like a politician: turning it on as needed. He has good points too but for me, the hurts have mounted too much over the years at this stage for me to trust him again. He continues to contact me and I don’t want to fall out with him.

As for the advice to immerse myself in a hobby, you are so right. My self-development has suffered greatly over the years as I have been so embroiled in friendships and relationships. I now finally have a unique opportunity (a 4 week leave of absence) to work on something I care deeply about and here I am worrying about all this stuff.

I’ve always been someone who could handle big life challenges, which I’ve had from a young age, but it’s the friendships and relationships which cause the most suffering. I just want to be fulfilled and happy.

I read a book called 'the courage to be disliked' which was helpful too, as I realised I wanted everyone to like me, which really isn't possible or actually desirable.
It sounds like you politician-like friend could be a narc very good at drawing people in but is only out for himself.
Your hobby sounds great and a very positive avenue to go down, I'd be interested to hear how you feel when you've had a chance to concentrate on it, good luck op.

Thanks @LactoseTheIntolerant

I think we are definitely similar. I like to be liked and I worry about as little as a raised eyebrow or slightly off tone! Thanks for the book rec- even the name of it scares me tbh!

Yeah Mr Politician is very good at hiding just how self-centred he is. I suppose all I can do is create distance. I’d love to set others straight - these people who think he’s so amazing - but then I’d just look bitchy and probably feel crappy too. Maybe just saying nothing when others sing his praises is the way to go, I don’t know…

Yeah, from tomorrow I need to commit to my project as it’s a working day and I’m taking unpaid leave to do it so the stakes are high! I’ve promised myself I’ll work on it Monday to Friday like a job so I really hope I follow through.

What amazes me the most are the people who have completely turmoil-free friendships. I thought everyone would agree & say they’ve experienced that too…

I have very very little drama in my friendships tbh. The last time I did was about 10 years ago when I was in a friendship group from work which got messy when there were some professional disagreements that spilled over into social life. I was new to the area with no other friends and threw myself too wholeheartedly into a group with whom I didn’t really have much in common. I learnt a lesson about social life boundaries at work (in my current job I’ve been there 2 years, and I only have three peoples’ phone numbers. They’re my colleagues and I am very fond of them, they’re not my real friends.)

With my really good proper friends? No drama ever, we don’t argue. They might mildly piss me off sometimes, but it never escalates.

It's as if you're at odds with yourself.
You can see the one friend isn't a nice person and you don't like him so that means he's not a friend you are being friendly to him. You stay being friendly to him because others like him and you don't want to be left out.
The WhatsApp friend is playing out like a bad boyfriend who keeps you dangling and gets you to jump as soon as he connects with you. That you feel rejected If he's not your friend anymore.
This is all about feeling rejected or not part of something.
One day you'll realise that less is more - less friends but the nice ones.

@Whattodo121

I’ve no ‘drama’ in my friendships either - maybe that’s the issue! It’s all internal anger/upset/turmoil/feeling taken advantage of/not appreciated etc. Outwardly all is hunky dorey!

The WhatsApp friend is playing out like a bad boyfriend who keeps you dangling and gets you to jump as soon as he connects with you. That you feel rejected If he's not your friend anymore. This is all about feeling rejected or not part of something

Yes you’re right … and it’s his nature. He’s like this with many people. He has a very successful career and he lets that consume him. He was all over me during lockdown as he was presumably bored! I think in the past he had treated me better than others and maybe I didn’t think he’d be so neglectful with me. He still hasn’t even listened to that message. When he’s talking to me, he’s as good as a friend can be but I know he could disappear again for months/years!

You can see the one friend isn't a nice person and you don't like him so that means he's not a friend you are being friendly to him

I like him and he has good points — we have a long history but I feel hurt and I hate that only I and his family have been treated to the horrible side of him, so if I ended the friendship, it’d look like I’m the one with the problem unless I told people what he can really be like… see inner turmoil — all this crap in my head..

& yes you’re right @Dancingsmile I do often have this fear of feeling left out.

I get it a bit more now. It sounds like more of a frenemy situation tbh, and you’re trapped in this toxic cycle of not being able to phase them out for whatever reason (social groupings for example) and you’re struggling to process your feelings about their behaviour and feeling trapped and angry.

I have had friends who are users before, and I have learnt to enjoy their company but expect nothing from them. This took a while, and they have now all drifted to being Facebook friends only and I don’t see them anymore due to jobs changing and people relocating.

Thanks @Whattodo121

I have had friends who are users before, and I have learnt to enjoy their company but expect nothing from them
This is the part I struggle with. I get so invested and wound up. I’d say it’s my primary source of anxiety (which is no mean feat as I’ve plenty ‘bigger’ problems that I have dealt with much better).

Now you know do something about it. Accept that's who he is and don't worry about him reading or not reading your texts. You're acting like how quickly he reads it determines how important you are to him. You are setting yourself up to feel rejected. He treats all people by the sounds of it the same. You can't be that one, that special one he bonds with as no one can.
Get on with your life.
No one has perfect friends we just accept people for who they are and get on with our own lives as they are doing. You want to be too much apart of their lives, too invested in them.
Do this incredible work thing have an amazing time doing it , absorb in it and you'll be do much happier and successful. Good luck with it.