Too wrapped up in friendships?

[Pulloverjumperorsweater]

Hello!

Does anyone else feel like their friendships take up WAY too much mental space? I have taken leave from work to work on a creative project and I’m concerned that my ongoing preoccupation with my friends will greatly reduce my output.

For example, one friend hasn’t replied to a message I sent a week ago. It’s on my mind every day. When he does get around to replying, (as before), he will expect me to be immediately available. Drives me crazy!

Another friend: we fell out because I let everything bubble up inside and then it all came out in one weak moment. That was over a year ago and I still think of her all the time. The grief was immense.

Another friend drives me nuts because he has so many faces & people fall for it. He turns it on & off as needed but only I and his family and wife know how much an a-hole hw can be. Everyone else goes on about how much they love him.

I have many friendships and get on well with people but inside my thoughts & frustrations swirl away. I’ve done loads of counselling & pretty much reached the end of the road with it. I just need to find a way to prioritise myself and care less…easier said than done…

Any tips or what do you think?

No one has perfect friends we just accept people for who they are and get on with our own lives as they are doing. You want to be too much apart of their lives, too invested in them

Yeah you’re right and I used to be more tolerant of his ways. I guess I’m running out of patience. When I texted him to tell him my marriage had broken down, he didn’t reply for months. I instantly forgave him when he apologised months later. I guess I do need to accept people as they are.

And I am WAY too invested in all of my friendships and I don’t know where it’s got me.

The worst thing is I’ve sacrificed so much time and energy for friendships & people forget half the kind deeds anyhow. The way they get sucked in by Mr Politician shows a lot in itself. I don’t want to end up bitter but it’s starting to feel that way.

I re-read the thread and am trying to absorb your advice:

• accept people as they are.
• focus on myself.
• immerse myself in a hobby.

But honestly, how can I deal with the Politician? He contacted me recently essentially looking for something (using me to look good in front of someone else). He dressed it up in his usual faff. It’s so difficult how beloved he is. Maybe I’m too afraid of looking bitchy and just come clean to friends about how I feel about him?

@Pulloverjumperorsweater

I just wish friendships didn’t cause so much pain & anxiety.

If this is the case I'd be down revaluating why they're your friends. Healthy friendships don't cause such stress. Id be getting rid and looking for some new ones

@YarnOver

It’s the getting rid part that’s hard though. How do I get rid of the Politician when our social lives have been embroiled since we were pre-teens? How do I explain it to everyone else who thinks the sun shines out of his a**? I’m very much sick of him now but it’s not as easy as just getting rid 🤷🏾‍♀️

[quote Pulloverjumperorsweater]@YarnOver

It’s the getting rid part that’s hard though. How do I get rid of the Politician when our social lives have been embroiled since we were pre-teens? How do I explain it to everyone else who thinks the sun shines out of his a**? I’m very much sick of him now but it’s not as easy as just getting rid 🤷🏾‍♀️[/quote]
I can't tell you that as I don't know you or him or your situation. But you clearly don't have healthy friendships which I think you need to have a look at for your own wellbeing.

[quote Pulloverjumperorsweater]@YarnOver

It’s the getting rid part that’s hard though. How do I get rid of the Politician when our social lives have been embroiled since we were pre-teens? How do I explain it to everyone else who thinks the sun shines out of his a**? I’m very much sick of him now but it’s not as easy as just getting rid 🤷🏾‍♀️[/quote]
You need to phase him out. Cutting him off straight away will only make him come back wanting to know why but with phasing , it's a far slower process and they usually don't notice the change. Be less available , reply less , say less and increase the gap further and further until they just aren't apart of your life any more. If you see them be friendly but keep them at a distance. I've had to do it with several people over the years, where cutting them off would have created a lot of hassle for me and it has worked very well.

@YarnOver

Yeah I do need to have a look at it and I did in counselling and that’s why I came on here.

@romdowa

Thanks. That’s good advice and that’s what I’ll do. I don’t want to be on bad terms with anyone and more than anything I want to purge some of the intense anger I feel to be honest. It could simply be down to too much time on my own.

OP, I think you would benefit from realising that you're the one choosing to give your friendships so much 'bad' headspace, and devote so much time and energy to worry, anxiety and anger about them. You are a friendship people-pleaser, and because you devote so much time and mental energy to your friendships, you expect others to devote similar -- but your level of investment simply isn't normal, or not past the kind of insanely intense teen friendships where life is pretty much just school and friends and navel-gazing.

Listen to what you're saying -- you list friends and their failings, including calling one an asshole and politician, but you're still trotting around investing insane amounts of energy in people you appear to neither like nor respect. Do you want to be that person?

Also, what you said about how you let 'everything' bubble up inside you and exploded at a friend, and the friendship ended. To be brutally honest, that's on you. If you had communicated civilly what you felt about the individual situations that added up to you getting so angry, you'd probably still have a friendship, and one that functioned better. But people-pleasers are often deeply resentful that their friends don't 'do' as much for them as they do for their friends, whether that's actual services or, as in your case, mental energy devoted to the friendships.

I think you need to acknowledge that it's your mental gauge that's calibrated different in this case, as you are the only common denominator in all these relationships. It might help to stop thinking of yourself as sensitive and easily wounded, and to relabel it as disordered thinking and over-investment. That way it becomes your issue to solve, rather than railing against flaky friends. But to be honest, I would have thought a good counsellor would have worked with you on this, and on prioritising yourself.

A four week leave to work on a cherished creative project is too valuable to waste uselessly ruminating about why someone hasn't called you back.

Thanks @GoWentGone

So much good for thought in your post:
OP, I think you would benefit from realising that you're the one choosing to give your friendships so much 'bad' headspace, and devote so much time and energy to worry, anxiety and anger about them. You are a friendship people-pleaser, and because you devote so much time and mental energy to your friendships, you expect others to devote similar -- but your level of investment simply isn't normal
Yup this is true and believe it or not, I used to be worse. I’ve come a long way.

Also, what you said about how you let 'everything' bubble up inside you and exploded at a friend, and the friendship ended. To be brutally honest, that's on you. If you had communicated civilly what you felt about the individual situations that added up to you getting so angry, you'd probably still have a friendship, and one that functioned better. But people-pleasers are often deeply resentful that their friends don't 'do' as much for them as they do for their friends, whether that's actual services or, as in your case, mental energy devoted to the friendships

I didn’t explode at her but I did tell her what had been bothering me. She pushed and probed to find out as I had been trying to create distance. So I eventually told her. I asked again and again if everything was ok that day and she assured me it was. We laughed and smiled as we were leaving each other and then she cut me out completely. I felt blindsided.

I think you need to acknowledge that it's your mental gauge that's calibrated different in this case, as you are the only common denominator in all these relationships. It might help to stop thinking of yourself as sensitive and easily wounded, and to relabel it as disordered thinking and over-investment. That way it becomes your issue to solve, rather than railing against flaky friends. But to be honest, I would have thought a good counsellor would have worked with you on this, and on prioritising yourself

Yes you’re right. I am the common denominator. Why are other’s friendships so much better? I remember spending hours helping a colleague with a job application (in my home) and I don’t even remember a thank you when she got the job. Meanwhile I saw her give a thank you gift to another colleague who simply shared a widely available resource with her. There’s something about me in all of this for sure. It’s just not so easy to change. It’s the negative thoughts about others I want to change, I have some other great friends and I simply accept their flaws because their flaws don’t amount to bad treatment of me.

A four week leave to work on a cherished creative project is too valuable to waste uselessly ruminating about why someone hasn't called you back
Oh thank you for this. You are so so right. I had to jump through hoops to get the leave and I’ve already wasted Day 1. No more! Maybe that’s half the work: just saying ‘no more’ again and again and again!

What's the project, @Pulloverjumperorsweater?

Yes you’re right. I am the common denominator. Why are other’s friendships so much better? I remember spending hours helping a colleague with a job application (in my home) and I don’t even remember a thank you when she got the job

I think this is at the kernel of people-pleasing -- it's not having confidence enough that you yourself are enough as a friend, so you do things for people because at some level you think that service 'buys' friendship, liking, consideration, reciprocation, gratitude etc.

Whereas in fact it's often the opposite, and you allow yourself to be pigeonholed as the 'helpful one' who does not really feature in other people's worldview because you present yourself as purely the shoulder to cry on/job helper/keeper-in-touch, rather than as a fully-rounded human being whose 'job' isn't being permanently attuned to the other person's needs, who has their own rich and interesting life that the other person may be allowed into.

And another issue is that the people pleaser often abases themselves in 'service' to people they neither like nor respect, and that evident lack of self-esteem or discrimination can turn other people off.

Does that make any sense?

@GoWentGone

The project sounds obscure but it’s a lifetime in the making. It’s a collaboration with a visual artist. I’ll be working through a different medium similar to pottery…it was delayed due to Covid for all kinds of crazy reasons so I am eventually devoting the time to it. It’s a risk as we don’t know how it’ll be received but it’s now or never.

I think this is at the kernel of people-pleasing -- it's not having confidence enough that you yourself are enough as a friend, so you do things for people because at some level you think that service 'buys' friendship, liking, consideration, reciprocation, gratitude etc

This is just so true. The friend who dropped me like a hot cake - I used to shower her in gifts etc. I look back and cringe at how hard I tried.

Whereas in fact it's often the opposite, and you allow yourself to be pigeonholed as the 'helpful one' who does not really feature in other people's worldview because you present yourself as purely the shoulder to cry on/job helper/keeper-in-touch, rather than as a fully-rounded human being whose 'job' isn't being permanently attuned to the other person's needs, who has their own rich and interesting life that the other person may be allowed into

Again painfully true. I have one friend who used to text saying ‘I need advice’ and I’d salivate and ring her to feel needed!

I often thought that’s all I had to offer.

As silly as it might sound, this project is huge for me as it’ll show me if I can put myself first, if I can really throw myself into my own work and do well at it. I’ve attempted in the past (while working) and realised it’d never happen without uninterrupted time. There’s a lot riding on it for me in a personal sense.

@Pulloverjumperorsweater

Also, what you said about how you let 'everything' bubble up inside you and exploded at a friend, and the friendship ended. To be brutally honest, that's on you. If you had communicated civilly what you felt about the individual situations that added up to you getting so angry, you'd probably still have a friendship, and one that functioned better. But people-pleasers are often deeply resentful that their friends don't 'do' as much for them as they do for their friends, whether that's actual services or, as in your case, mental energy devoted to the friendships

I didn’t explode at her but I did tell her what had been bothering me. She pushed and probed to find out as I had been trying to create distance. So I eventually told her. I asked again and again if everything was ok that day and she assured me it was. We laughed and smiled as we were leaving each other and then she cut me out completely. I felt blindsided.

I have had really intense friends which sounds quite like this and honestly it annoyed me so much and was so intense I did exactly this. I blocked them from all contact and moved on. I couldn't cope. It was absolutely smothering me. I'm afraid from what you describe, I just would not be able to cope with that level of intensity in a friend and would also leave.

I just would not be able to cope with that level of intensity in a friend and would also leave

Fair enough but bear in mind, she asked again & again what was wrong with me, so I told her. Also bear in mind that you don’t know her or a whole lot about the friendship. I had been a very good friend to her and she’s not exactly laid back herself.

@Pulloverjumperorsweater

I just would not be able to cope with that level of intensity in a friend and would also leave

Fair enough but bear in mind, she asked again & again what was wrong with me, so I told her. Also bear in mind that you don’t know her or a whole lot about the friendship. I had been a very good friend to her and she’s not exactly laid back herself.

No, I did say initially I don't know you or your friends so couldn't offer an

@Pulloverjumperorsweater

I just would not be able to cope with that level of intensity in a friend and would also leave

Fair enough but bear in mind, she asked again & again what was wrong with me, so I told her. Also bear in mind that you don’t know her or a whole lot about the friendship. I had been a very good friend to her and she’s not exactly laid back herself.

No, I said already I can't offer specific advice as I don't know you or your friends. I was commenting simply on what I was reading in your responses and how I would feel if that was one of my friends. You realize you're doing the same in this, and wanting to seek approval from a random person online you've never met, to make sure that I don't misjudge you?

Yes I agree @YarnOver I do often feel misread and misjudged and have my whole life for various reasons.

I want to find the useful advice in this thread so I’m going to try to sum up what people have advised:

• focus more on myself.
• absorb myself in my project/hobbies.
• make MUCH less of an effort with people who make less of an effort with me.
• create distance with the Politician and slowly phase him out.
• realise I have enough to offer people as myself and that I don’t need to go above and beyond just to be liked or needed.

Lots of food for thought there. Some of it that I guess I’ve already known but I guess it’s time to really take it on board as the bad thinking habits etc are getting in the way of life.

Thanks for all of your advice.