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Original poster

Will we ever get married? 9 year relationship.

54 replies

Kab129 · 26/06/2021 15:54

Nearly 9 years relationship, not even a ring, not even engaged. We own a house together, share everything, have 2 kids (eldest with previous relationship but dp treats him as his own). We practically spend all our time out of work together and our kids.

He knows I want to get married. He is 42, I am 30. Age gap is not an issue but you'd think at his age he'd want to get married.

He has said he wants to but it's the money - I told him I don't want a big fancy wedding. I would be happy with something small and less expensive. I've never wanted a big fancy wedding anyway. I hate being centre of attention.

He says he doesn't want a long engagement so if he proposed he'd want to get married shortly afterwards.

Anyone else been through this? I'm starting to think he just doesn't want to marry me and I'll have to accept it.

Our relationship is great otherwise I think. Generally happy, settled etc. We've lived together for 7 years.

OP posts:
thedevilinablackdress · 26/06/2021 15:56

Tell him you want to get married this year. Find out what dates the registry office have available and pick one that suits you both and your witnesses.

thedevilinablackdress · 26/06/2021 15:57

If he says no to that, then ask why.

IceLace100 · 26/06/2021 15:58

I agree, you're going to have to make it happen I'm afraid.

Time for him to shit or get off the pot.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 26/06/2021 16:00

Has this got anything to do with him having a much larger pension than you?

Majorfluff · 26/06/2021 16:02

Sorry, he would have asked by now if it was going to happen. Hedging his bets.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/06/2021 16:03

Highly unlikely. It’s obviously not that important to you or you’d have insisted on marriage before house and baby.

The ring is immaterial anyway, plenty of men propose without meaning it to buy time. Being engaged doesn’t mean anything or change much.

It seems like neither of you is that bothered as you haven’t done anything about it in approaching a decade. But if you’ve changed your mind then tell him what you want and by when, and be clear in your own mind what you’ll do if he says no.

Will you end things if he says marriage is never going to happen?

Do you both work?

Whoarethewho · 26/06/2021 16:04

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Has this got anything to do with him having a much larger pension than you?
Why would anyone risk their pension? It makes no sense to get married if big asset differences in the UK.
Original poster
Kab129 · 26/06/2021 16:05

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Has this got anything to do with him having a much larger pension than you?
No! He'll get a state pension if that still exists but he's never paid much into any other pension. He is the main earner and earns a comfortable wage but we don't have much spare or savings (we have a little but nothing much). The house will be mortgage free by the time he retires and me being younger I'll likely be working still. But we likely won't have much money!
OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/06/2021 16:12

Is the house in both your names?

I agree you need to tell him it happens ASAP because if you aren't "good enough to marry" then do you want to stay together?

My DH wanted to be married but not have a wedding.

Original poster
Kab129 · 26/06/2021 16:24

He's just said that he wants to get married but the ideal of a wedding and lots of people, being centre of attention puts him off 😒 he isn't a very peopley person so I get that (neither am I really). But I told him I'd be happy with immediate family and a few friends. I don't like too many people either. A covid wedding sound have perfect. It would have been a good excuse not to invite anyone when you could only have a certain amount of people - unsure what the rules are now!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/06/2021 16:29

Just crack on and arrange a weekday registry office and nice restaurant afterwards.

It's 30 for a wedding so have that had your max, perfect time to arrange an intimate wedding.

Rightthen24 · 26/06/2021 16:30

If he wanted to marry you he would have proposed by now.
Your options, have a chat and book it yourself.
Stay as you are.
Leave.

NeverMetANiceOne · 26/06/2021 16:33

It doesn't have to be a 'covid wedding', just go and get it done, no one has to make it into a big deal unless they want to.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/06/2021 16:39

He's full of excuses and I sense you are being strung along here. If he wanted to marry you he would have proposed by now. Does his child have his surname as well; yet more power handed over to him all too freely if you did that.

WallaceinAnderland · 26/06/2021 16:43

He doesn't want to marry you that is clear.

If he did you would be married by now.

He will never marry you.

MadMadMadamMim · 26/06/2021 16:47

He doesn't want to marry you. He's 42 and knows you want to.

I'm not sure why you think at his age he should want to.

He doesn't.

Chickpea22 · 26/06/2021 16:49

Just book to give notice and let him know the date. Out of interest what is stopping you doing this? Sorry if that sounds abrupt.

Ivymundane · 26/06/2021 16:54

He doesn’t want to marry you.

Funny I was the exact same as you, wondering what the hell is going on and swallowing all the same excuses your OH has given you. Been together 16 years now and still not married. Difference is now I don’t want to marry him, his put me off him. If a lovely guy swooped by tomorrow with a ring I’d be gone.

KatherineOfGaunt · 26/06/2021 16:58

I married DH just about ten years after we first met. Similar age gap to you but no kids (and older than you). I did have to give him an ultimatum as for him it was just "in the future" but I was aware of my biological clock. Harder because you have kids, as walking away is much more of an issue. But some men just need to have things spelt out for them, I think.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/06/2021 16:59

Life is too short to deal with men who are too weak to commit.

IsThePopeCatholic · 26/06/2021 17:01

Just choose a date, a location, guest list, food, and present him with a fait accompli.

MMmomDD · 26/06/2021 17:01

Of its what you want - propose.
And if he says no - you are still young enough to meet someone who would like to marry you.

But in general - I am forever surprised at people who want to get married but have their life milestones in a completely opposite order. Why have a child with someone who haven’t committed to you?

GreyhoundG1rl · 26/06/2021 17:03

@Chickpea22

Just book to give notice and let him know the date. Out of interest what is stopping you doing this? Sorry if that sounds abrupt.
Op might get a short, sharp shock if she does this... He clearly doesn't want to, attempts to strong arm him into it are unlikely to end well.
alwayswrighty · 26/06/2021 17:24

I'd talk to him about a register office wedding. We got married with parents, bil and sil and that was it on a Monday afternoon. We married for legal purposes, but mil had missed out on bils wedding so we compromised and had some guests

HPmagic · 26/06/2021 17:54

Hi op I was with DP for 13 years and 1 DC before he proposed and we got married 1 year later in a small event.

We were the same and did not want a long engagement and we're waiting for the right time with finances and life events etc. I would speak to him about it and then leave the ball in his court.

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