Will we ever get married? 9 year relationship.

[Kab129]

Nearly 9 years relationship, not even a ring, not even engaged. We own a house together, share everything, have 2 kids (eldest with previous relationship but dp treats him as his own). We practically spend all our time out of work together and our kids.

He knows I want to get married. He is 42, I am 30. Age gap is not an issue but you'd think at his age he'd want to get married.

He has said he wants to but it's the money - I told him I don't want a big fancy wedding. I would be happy with something small and less expensive. I've never wanted a big fancy wedding anyway. I hate being centre of attention.

He says he doesn't want a long engagement so if he proposed he'd want to get married shortly afterwards.

Anyone else been through this? I'm starting to think he just doesn't want to marry me and I'll have to accept it.

Our relationship is great otherwise I think. Generally happy, settled etc. We've lived together for 7 years.

Make an appointment at the registry office to get married and see his reaction. That will tell you everything you need to know. If spending money on a wedding is his only concern, he should be thrilled.

@WallaceinAnderland

He doesn't want to marry you that is clear.

If he did you would be married by now.

He will never marry you.

@WallaceinAnderland

I'm sorry but I think this is quite likely.

Lots of people don't like the idea of a fuss either, but they'd be willing to put up with it for 1 day if it meant making their partners happy, especially one like you who is willing to compromise.

If someone doesn't want marriage, ok, but I don't think he's being honest with you or himself as to why he's not married 9 years in. Yes, you could take charge and book a registry office...but this isn't ideal is it? No one should be strong armed into a legal agreement. Surely the big point of a wedding is that it's mutually agreed upon and attractive to both parties.

He's fine with things as they are, that seems obvious. It's a crass saying, but some men do think 'Why buy the cow when you already get the milk for free?'

He's just said that he wants to get married but the ideal of a wedding and lots of people, being centre of attention puts him off. he isn't a very peopley person so I get that (neither am I really). But I told him I'd be happy with immediate family and a few friends. I don't like too many people either.

And what was his response to you saying a small wedding is absolutely fine with you?

Propose?

I did, after 7 years. I didn’t want to, and he tried to say he wanted to do it, but on the spot, he had to answer. He said no. He went home to his parents for a week and we didn’t really talk. Then he came back and said he loved me but didn’t want to be married, wasn’t ready yet. It took me a few months but I got myself together and left.

Happily married to someone else now. We’ve been together for nearly six years, and he proposed of his own accord after two years, was equally involved in planning and excited for our wedding, and is now excitedly waiting for our baby.

I’d recommend getting a clear answer now. You don’t want to waste any more time, especially if the answer is not what you want.

Good luck.

If he doesn’t want a big wedding and you just want to get married tell him you’re booking the registry office and just do it with minimal witnesses/guests and go for a meal afterwards.

It’s not up to him to propose, you don’t need a ring, just tell him that’s what’s happening, if he doesn’t agree to this then yes, you have an issue.

Forget about weddings and waiting for a proposal. Does this man want to give you both the legal protections of marriage, or doesn't he? That's what marriage is about. It's a legal contract. The benefits kick in when something goes wrong, e.g. the relationship ends, or one of you dies, or one of you falls ill and can't make decisions for themselves and somebody else needs to do it.

Some people do the sums and think about the non-financial side, and conclude it won't give them any benefit. That's fine, in those cases, don't marry, but do it with your eyes open.

In the vast majority of cases, though, where a man and a woman have children, the woman's earning potential takes a hit. If she's married to her children's father and the relationship later fails, or he dies, she has some legal protection to compensate. If these are your circumstances, you have to bite the bullet and talk frankly to your partner. Why doesn't he want to you to be protected?

We were together 10+ years with a dc before we got married. We got married abroad, on holiday, just us (and DC). Dh never proposed and nor did I. we just had a chat about it (the wedding ceremony was free with the holiday and was presented as an option when booking!). 6 years and 2 more DC later we are still going strong! However getting married was never really a big thing for me or DH so we were on the same page. It sounds like you might not be- but does your DH know how much it means to you?

If its a huge deal breaker for you then you need to say its ASAP or split

I say have one more chat about getting married, say you want a small wedding, no frills no fuss, what does he think? He either agrees and you set a date there and then or he comes back with an excuse.

If he has an excuse, you then start planning for your life without him. Review finances, where you would like to live, what support from family you might need, if you need to retrain for jobs, whatever. I wouldn't tell him any of this either, it will seem like manipulation, I would just prep and then go when it suited me. Do you really want to hang about, always hoping one day you would be "good enough" to get the legal protection marriage brings for you and the DC? Start taking your life seriously OP, you only get one so get what you want from it.

OP.... me and DP got engaged last year..... together for 7 years when he finally proposed...... we have just booked our wedding for 2023. We will have been together 10 years when we get wed.
My partner doesn't like people/attention/socialising. We are having 40 day guests and 80 evening guests. That's ALOT for him, but it's something he's willing to do to allow all the people there that we want there.
Let him know what your willing to have as a wedding.
If he wants to marry you and sees how important it is to you, he will do it.
Good luck. I hope you get what you want.

My DP proposed last year, we’ve been together 11 years. He’s now super keen to get married while I want another baby first. We had a baby, bought a house together and got engaged all within two years.

Why do you want to get married OP? If life is good and he doesn’t want to why push it

I would speak to him about it and then leave the ball in his court.

Nooooo. Why are some women so passive? It’s her like too. She’s in this mess because she decided to abdicate responsibility about a major life event and bigger legal commitment to someone else, as if she’s not the boss of her own life.

They must have discussed having a child, even if was anyone accident they must have talked about what to do, they must have agreed to buy a house, booked viewings, arranged a mortgage, they must talk about decisions for their child, how to run their household. There must have been hundreds and hundreds of things they’ve discussed, like equal adults, in the near decade they’ve been together. Why not marriage? It should be a calm, serious, easy decision to come to, together. It affects both of them equally. It’s not something he’d be giving her, if she’s good enough girlfriend and somehow earns it.

She’s given too much control away already, of her own life, now is not the time for yet more passiveness. She’s a grown woman in 2021, not a Victorian damsel in distress.

I got engaged after 8 years then another 7 before we actually got married! Sometimes men need a kick up the backside!

Getting married is a joint enterprise - a joint decision between two equals. It is not something that one person 'gifts' on the other. It annoys me that one person can hold such power over another, making them wait (or putting them off indefinitely). The only way to resolve that is to say 'This is what I want - to be married within xxx (time). Let's get it booked'. He can say Yes or No - either way you are further forward.

He obviously doesn't want to get married and is making up excuses, should of insisted on marriage before children if it was that important, nothing you can do now if he doesn't want to get married now

Why not have a civil partnership? Then he doesn’t have to worry about people looking at him (eye roll) and you get the legal protection I imagine you want?

If he says no to that I’d be seriously considering my future with someone who has so little concern for me and the DC.

Sorry, he would have asked by now if it was going to happen. Hedging his bets.

I know a couple in their late 30s. Been together since school and he has just proposed, so can happen.

I think it's true to say that men don't organise things if they can help it. Weddings, holidays, days out, meals out. They don't do it. I bet you are the one to arrange the holidays? Why are you waiting for him to ask? Just tell him you think the wedding is overdue and you're going to get it arranged. Just a few guests and a nice meal in a restaurant. If he doesn't actually want to get married, he'd better come up with a good explanation!

“Hi love. Good news. We can have a registry office wedding, no guests, for £220! We can book a nice restaurant for lunch just us and the kids. Solves all our problems about money! The registry office had these 5 dates available in august.....which do you fancy?”

See if he’s relieved you’ve sorted it or squirms to avoid. You’ll have your answer about what your future is with him very quickly.

It sounds like he just doesn’t like the idea of a ‘wedding’ not that he doesn’t want to be married. In his head you probably are very much married already. I think you should ask him.

I'm with you OP and thinking he does not want to do it. Though trying to talk him round with simple options with minimal number of people may be worth a go.

@Thehop

“Hi love. Good news. We can have a registry office wedding, no guests, for £220! We can book a nice restaurant for lunch just us and the kids. Solves all our problems about money! The registry office had these 5 dates available in august.....which do you fancy?”

See if he’s relieved you’ve sorted it or squirms to avoid. You’ll have your answer about what your future is with him very quickly.

This.

Doesn't sound like he wants to marry you

Agree with everyone else, he just doesn't want to get married (to you).

Suggest a register office ceremony, with two witnesses 'off the street' ... no need for a meal or anything else ... if he still says 'no' at least you've got your answer.

I hate big wedding and 'fuss' but DH and I married with three witnesses at the register office and we did have a small lunch afterwards to which two more people came. That was it, no fuss, no siblings at the wedding ... no one cared (or if they did they didn't mention it ) ... married over 30 years now and don't regret my 'small' wedding at all.