Commitment - where I am going wrong? Is this the wrong way to go about it?

[GetJam]

Years ago I had a couple of nice relationships. I’ve lived with someone and have had a serious relationship I guess. But the last ten years have been heartbreak, abusive relationships, short relationships, bitty things.

I am now in a nice relationship that makes me happy. It’s slow progress though. It’s coming up to a year and there’s no sign of moving in or other progress. We did say we loved each other recently.

I want to be living with him (I’m mid 30s). I want things to progress generally but while he is a sincere man, he doesn’t rush things (maybe this is a good thing). I know women who get commitment or make themselves clear about what they want without sounding demanding or needy. How do you do this?

I have always danced around men and pandered to their needs. I don’t like putting pressure on them or making them feel like I am difficult or a pain to be around. That said, with this current partner, he is respectful and kind and I don’t feel I have to do things to please him. Even so, I’ve kept quiet about the fact I want to move in. I’m not sure what he’d say.

My question really is how do things progress? Maybe they don’t because I’m so accommodating from the start and it sets a precedent? I’m not sure. We are happy together so moving in makes sense to me. I don’t want to lose him though.

I have always danced around men and pandered to their needs. I don’t like putting pressure on them or making them feel like I am difficult or a pain to be around.

This is the strong vibe you're giving off and therefore you'll be attracting men who want a compliant, easily manipulated woman, hence the abusive and non committal men, rather than the types who commit. Unfortunately it sounds you've picked yet another of the same type if after a whole year he hasn't brought up the future.

If you want marriage and kids and you're already mid 30s you need to be speaking up (and should have well before now in the current relationship).

Just set out clearly I want to be married before I have kids and be trying to conceive by (insert age) as women's fertility declines from mid 30s onwards and having kids with the right man is the priority for me. Does that timeline align with yours? If not, we' have to end it.

If he's getting sex without commitment you will find many men will unfortunately string you along to keep it going.

Also look into therapy and self help books on boosting your self esteem. It will help you to no end in all areas of life, including relationships

@SarahDarah thanks. I just don’t know how to say that? I feel like saying ‘I want to be moved in within the next 6 months’ is extreme? Is that a usual thing people say? I just don’t know how to express these things without sounding demanding or clingy. And what do you do during those six months, wait? See if he takes steps? I just don’t know how to navigate it. It seems like I’m removing all sense of romance, mystery and fun?

(Yes he could be like the others but he seems very sincere sort of chap and so I don’t think he’s abusive, no signs of it yet)

Cards on the table time. A year is not too soon to know what direction you want a relationship to go in.

When I had this conversation with my now DH we were cleaning up the kitchen after dinner and I found it easier to do without looking at him. I can't remember exactly what I said but it was something like - hey, you know my last relationship was long and didn't go anywhere, well I can't afford for that to happen again, I'm getting older and I want to have kids in the next 3-5 years, do you think you'd be interested in doing that with me?

He replied saying that it was important to him to get married first, which I didnt really care about but I said I was happy to get married first but it didn't change my time frame for kids.

It wasn't confrontational at all. And felt very sensible. I still waited for him to propose (6 months later) which I think is a bit stupid in this day and age. We should just have decided it was what we both wanted and been engaged from then on!!

@RNBrie I think if I said that he would definitely say yes, if we were still together that would be his timeframe too.

But then it’s waiting isn’t it? It’s just words? Easy to say yes I agree.

What I want is some action, I want us to move in or plan to do that by a particular date? Otherwise how is just saying in x number of years I want y, going to do much?

Sorry don’t mean to sound confrontational, I’m just trying to work it all out. I’ve said to him before that I want a relationship we are investing in as I want to settle down. I’ve not said I want x by x date though. I think he would just say yes if we are together that’s what he would want too. He’s a few years old (41).

@GetJam

You're still 'pandering' I'm afraid, if you fail to communicate your needs

You simply need to say ''BF, we've been seeing each other for a year now, and everything's been great. I feel it is the right time to discuss what we both want from our relationship going forwards.''

Then tell him what you want !

e.g ''I'd really like to talk about a time frame for moving in together, because I see a future with you''

Then let him tell you what he would like and go from there.

You also need to prepare yourself for the possibility that he will say he's happy as things are and doesn't want to change anything. If that's the case, are you prepared to 'go along' with that ? How long for ? Or would that be a red line for you because you'd like children by the time you're 35 for example ?

Decide what your red lines are, and what you're prepared to 'settle for', and if your needs/wants future plans are different, then be prepared to walk away too.

Can you just start a ‘where do you see things going?’ conversation? After a year together, it’s perfectly reasonable to start that conversation, find out what he’s thinking and say how you feel and what you want.

Yes, it sounds like you're afraid of losing him and therefore reluctant to risk stirring things. But you won't be happy either if nothing changes.

It doesn't have to be demanding or confrontational. Say "hey, things are good between us and I've been thinking of the future. How do you see things going forward ?"

Listen to what he says, then if it sounds like what you want,

"great, that's what I want too, when do you think that would happen ? Ideally I'd want it to happen by (date)".

If it doesn't sound like what you want,

"to be honest that doesn't completely align with what I see for my future. Ideally I'd want (x) to happen. Is that something you'd be open to ? If not we may have to each go our own way.

It's important to accept that his needs or wants aren't "wrong", he's allowed to plan his life however he likes, even if it's not what you want ; but also that your needs are not lesser than his, and you are not wrong either to say what you want and stick by it.

If your bf said to you that he would like to think about progressing your relationship, would you think he was 'demanding' or 'needy'? I suspect not, so why do you think that of yourself?

Healthy relationships are 50/50 in terms of effort, work, compromise, commitment... and communication. If one person feels they can't say what they think then there's something wrong (either with the relationship, or with that person's sense of it).

You have nothing to lose from being honest. If he's a decent person then he will respect that honesty, and he'll be honest in return.

By the way, there's nothing wrong in taking things slowly in a relationship. If you fixate too much on the future then you can remove all the fun and enjoyment of the moment - and the 'getting to know you' / dating stage.

Hopefully you'll find a middle ground where you can both be honest about how you see the future, and the rough timeline for things to happen, whilst still enjoying the here and now and not feeling pressure to rush things.

I think that’s what it is, I’m scared of the conversation. I don’t think he would say no to moving in. But he might say no if I put a suggested date on it like I want that in 6 months for instance. And then I won’t know what to do. I don’t want to play a waiting game.

I agree with @MunsterThyme
Something like wow it's been 6 months ! How do you feel it's going ? I'd like xyz ... are we on the same wavelength? How do you see our future plans together matching up or do you feel differently?
Non confrontational non pressurised just general conversation
Let him see you are open to his views and wants - no dislike or disappointment if they differ from yours !

I feel what @RNBrie is suggesting is the right approach, i.e. the fact that you are mid-30s and want children.

To my mind you are way too focused on moving in with him. Are you hoping that he'll then propose, you'll get married and have children?

Whereas in the real world, even if he does agree to move in with you, he might just string you along till your fertile years are over. Or you might be at risk of joining the long line of single mothers whose relationships broke down and, due to having made all kinds of professional and financial sacrifices, end up up the creek without a paddle.

You want to remember that YOU too are a prize worth having. Get yourself in the mindset that HE is lucky to have you - but that you won't stay unless what he is offering meets your needs.

OP,
The only person who can lose out here is you.
He either wants to be with you or he doesn't.
If he doesn't, better to know NOW and move on.
He's 41 and he either wants a family or he doesn't.
If he is hesitant and unsure, take it as a big NO and don't waste years hoping he will come around.

Cards on the table. "I really care about you and I would like a us to live together, get married and have afamily.
Is that what you want for us?
Have you given our future any thought"

If he looks stunned and deeply uncomfortable, struck dumb then perhaps he needs a few days to think about it. But if he says he has not thought about it, it would be game over.

He is old enough to know what he wants, so don't waste any more time.

Also there are bachelor men that love a relationship whilst maintaining their own home. I worked with two. Lovely men. Really nice to work with. Loved their lives. Absolutely no interest in marriage or kids. Lots of two year relationships until the women got sense. They are well into their 60's now, still with girlfriends, unmarried, happily living alone.

If he is not sure, believe and don't waste another year hoping he will come around.

I told my now dh after a few dates exactly what I expected if I was in a relationship in a year’s time. I was honest and if it scared him off then next! He had much longer timeframes but didn’t really understand the biological clock until I explained it was not great after 35. We moved quite quickly after that and married and have a dc.
I think it’s important to have that conversation otherwise you’re just wasting time. I felt empowered by it , not embarrassed or scared. This is my expectation and if it’s not for you, that’s fine. Better than being anxious for years wondering if you’re on the same page

I think I’d go with a conversation like….

“That was a great time we had yesterday/last night. I’m really enjoying this relationship and I’ve been thinking about the future. I’d really like to discuss the possibility of us moving in together. How do you feel about that?”

So assume he says something positive but without a timeframe…

“I’m so pleased you feel the same way and would like to take the next step with me. Do you have some thoughts on timelines? I think it would be good to know what practical steps we need to take to get there and when those might happen?”

Where do you live now? Is there not a natural time to mention moving in - contract renewals; rent, etc?

That’s how I did it. I was barely at home anyway. I mentioned that my contract was up for renewal (innocently!) and he suggested moving in instead. Easy and simple.

I think I focus on moving in as that would be the next step. He knows I want marriage and a family.

@TakeYourFinalPosition we live separately, his tenancy comes to an end in 6 months so that would be a natural time I guess?

@billy1966 I’ve not been that upfront and said ‘I want kids with you and to marry you.’ But I’ve said I love him very much and want a future with him. We talk about kids in the abstract, like how many we want etc. But not like ‘how many do WE want’ if that makes sense. He’s not a pushy man in any respect, he’s very respectful and isn’t one for lots of gushing sentiment either, though I know he cares about me a lot. I think it’s a bit soon to ask him if he wants to be with me and marry etc? That’s why I thought moving in would be a good next step?

Have you said you love each other? The issue with moving in and not having the other conversation is that you might get stuck with someone who doesn’t see a real future - marriage and kids. You’ll just waste more time. Please have the conversation

' DP you know I love you immensely and have always wanted children? Well since I've been with you X amount of time now I can safely say (because I think you're amazing and would be an amazing dad) you're the man I'd love to do that with.
And then if he mentions no rush etc remind him of basic female biology.
Then bring things to a head.
That's what I'd go with.
Sod moving in together if he doesn't want that like you do.
A number of the examples above make it sound like a cold business transaction. I'd be freaked out if approached in that way. Speak from your heart and he'll be on board or he won't be and you'll know to move on.

I think it’s a bit soon to ask him if he wants to be with me and marry etc? That’s why I thought moving in would be a good next step?

OP, something in your life has made you terrified of putting your cards on the table and saying 'This is what I want'. Honestly, I would have some therapy and try to work on learning that you've got the same right to have wants as anyone else, and that you need to express them or they won't ever be met.

I think it would be ridiculous, in your situation, to sort of sidle towards cohabitation, when what you want is to have a child with him, something that will only be possible within a finite time period.

Isn't it better if you know he's not interested, so you can move on? It will be a hell of a lot worse if you move in, and then, in another year, start another thread about how to say you'd like to get married, and then another a few years on about wanting to ttc. To be blunt, if this relationship isn't a goer longterm, it's better to know now, before you entangle your lives any further.

OP,
I am married to the kindest man who shows me cares for in many, many small ways, but has never been gushing with the I love you's, it works for us.

Actions, not words really count for me.

The most important thing is that you feel things are moving forward

Thanks for the advice. @billy1966 could I ask, do you hold back being too gushing with him so it mirrors what he does? My DP is always showing me he cares but is rarely sending a long text of affection etc!

I will have to talk to him and @Spandrel I don’t know why I’m scared to ask what I want. I guess because I don’t want to lose him which is silly given I can’t stay with him if we don’t want the same things.

OP, something in your life has made you terrified of putting your cards on the table and saying 'This is what I want'. Honestly, I would have some therapy and try to work on learning that you've got the same right to have wants as anyone else, and that you need to express them or they won't ever be met.

This is a really strong point and something that could be life changing for you OP.

Thanks for the advice. @billy1966 could I ask, do you hold back being too gushing with him so it mirrors what he does?

I think OP that you think all women are having to risk assess how honest they are with men / how much they can be themselves vs 'losing' that man, whereas in reality the ideal is to be honest and be themselves always so that they can meet someone who is genuinely right for them.

Billy and her partner sound well matched rather than billy having to pretend anything or suppress anything - I think you're adding a subtext to her post based on you thinking women always have to sort of persuade men not to be scared of commitment?

I think counselling could really help you unpack this stuff

Thanks @youvegottenminuteslynn that does make sense. I have always been a bit cautious with men and tried to put an act on. I don’t know why, I remember doing it when I was 15! This man makes it easy for me to be myself though. I’ve never experienced that before.

I want to just say I want to be with you and marry you and have a big family with you...That’s how I genuinely feel. Too scared to do it though.