Commitment - where I am going wrong? Is this the wrong way to go about it?

[GetJam]

Years ago I had a couple of nice relationships. I’ve lived with someone and have had a serious relationship I guess. But the last ten years have been heartbreak, abusive relationships, short relationships, bitty things.

I am now in a nice relationship that makes me happy. It’s slow progress though. It’s coming up to a year and there’s no sign of moving in or other progress. We did say we loved each other recently.

I want to be living with him (I’m mid 30s). I want things to progress generally but while he is a sincere man, he doesn’t rush things (maybe this is a good thing). I know women who get commitment or make themselves clear about what they want without sounding demanding or needy. How do you do this?

I have always danced around men and pandered to their needs. I don’t like putting pressure on them or making them feel like I am difficult or a pain to be around. That said, with this current partner, he is respectful and kind and I don’t feel I have to do things to please him. Even so, I’ve kept quiet about the fact I want to move in. I’m not sure what he’d say.

My question really is how do things progress? Maybe they don’t because I’m so accommodating from the start and it sets a precedent? I’m not sure. We are happy together so moving in makes sense to me. I don’t want to lose him though.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

OP, something in your life has made you terrified of putting your cards on the table and saying 'This is what I want'. Honestly, I would have some therapy and try to work on learning that you've got the same right to have wants as anyone else, and that you need to express them or they won't ever be met.

This is a really strong point and something that could be life changing for you OP.

This is a very good point.

OP, I knew by him he was weak for me, I was never in any doubt about that, but did we have soulmate chats, no.

But I'm a bit of a cold bitch so it works for us.🤣

For example I'm very conscious of telling my teen adult children that I love them regularly.
I consciously want them to be familiar with the language of love, being hugged even though it doesn't trip off my tongue.
I am conscious it is important for them to have it, my parents certainly weren't of that generation that verbalised love.

Funnily enough I have a couple of old friends that are very verbal, very comfortable expressing their love for me/family etc. and it has always made me feel uncomfortable despite loving the bones of them.

I have definitely been pushing myself out of my comfort zone more in the past couple of years.
No harm at all either.

Do you really want to be with him and have children with him?

This is really, really important.

You talk about wondering how he feels about you, feeling safer with him than with others - that seems to me to distract you from the real issue.

Do you actually want to commit to him?

Spend some serious time thinking about that and all else flows.

If the answer is, 'yes,' you just tell him that.

It doesn't have to be a big deal.

But it does need to be done.

If you feel one way, and want one kind of life, it's a tragedy to waste years living as a minor character, living a narrative written by someone else, in your own life.

That's madness. Your seventy-year old self won't thank you for that.

So, imagine your seventy-year-old self sitting beside you - and have that conversation.

It's your life - and it's a car, not a bus. You can't just sit there, hoping it goes somewhere near the places you want to get to.

💐💐