I thought online dating might be tough but I didn’t expect it to be this tough

[thefourgp]

I’m just feeling a bit defeated today. I’m pretty content with my life but have been single for 3.5 years and want some company/ miss sex. I’m average looking and a bit overweight (size 16/18) but I scrub up okay and make an effort with my appearance. My only rules are no non-drivers, no smokers and no Tories. I’m looking for someone to have fun with. I don’t want to be married again but I don’t want one night stands either. It just seems so hard to find someone as they’re all either looking for someone who can travel and be spontaneous (no way- two young kids) or they want someone who’ll be a servant/mother figure and feed/fuck them whilst they sit in front of the tv every night. I know others who met partners online but today it feels like it’s just not going to happen for me. I don’t want to settle but I don’t think my expectations are too high either. I know there’s good men out there but they seem so few and far between. Anyone else getting really fed up of online dating but feel they have no other choice?

Sorry it's tough, OP, it can be a bit of a quagmire out there. I'm sorry I don't have any personal experience but I didn't want to read and run.

How long have you been online dating? Do you think it might be a good time to take a (temporary) break from it? Have you tried different dating sites? Anecdotally you might have more success on a slightly pricier subscription site rather than free/cheaper ones.

I can think of several couples I know who met online, the two most recent marriages both happened after one half of the now-couples got really fed up with it all (one logged on to cancel his profile and found a message from his now-wife and the other I think she'd given it one more day and on that day her now-husband sent her a hello message). So I think it is common to get really fed up with it and that doesn't necessarily mean it won't be successful in the end. Maybe take a month off and then go back to it?

On and off (mainly off) for 18 months now. I messaged 8 average looking guys on a free site (POF) two weeks ago and didn’t get one reply. So I joined up to a paid site that’s designed for relationships (eharmony) and I’ve only been contacted by one guy who said he liked me but doesn’t drive. I did go on a couple of dates with two different guys last year. They wanted to see me again but I wasn’t interested. I’m just a bit fed up and feeling a bit sorry for myself today. My abusive ex has moved on and is seeing a lovely person (who he will absolutely abuse too - I feel for her) and I know I sound so childish but it’s just so unfair.

Have you tried Tinder, Bumble etc? The swipey apps? They have the biggest audience so in theory there should be more eligible men (also means more to wade through though).

Also it's good to know what you want / don't want but I'd refrain from bluntly listing your red lines on your profile. It always puts me off men when they have a list of no's on their bio (not saying you do this but thought it was worth mentioning).

My biggest grips with OLD is what makes someone attractive is rarely conveyable through a short bio and some pics.

You need to play around with your profile to get better matches.

A married couple I know where both on the same online dating site at the same time but ended up meeting in a pub. The algorithm didn't put them together as a match.

Quite a few people I know, including my own DP, played around with their profiles - there are some TED talks on it plus other articles you can find online - to be matched by the algorithms with more of the right sort of person.

OLD can be soul destroying OP! Maybe take a break from it for a while? I always think that is the best way to get some clarity. Unfortunately it is time consuming to wittle out the time wasters/unsuitables. I find men just tell you what you want to hear most of the time!

Hey, it’s not much better on the other side of the fence, after being alone for a while, I’m dappling with one of the paid sites (wwayyy too old for all that swiping malarkey), messaged a few ladies, not much response..
Think I may end up doing a Cadfael or just living in a cave somewhere ( as long as the cave has central heating, WiFi and a big arse telly in it )

There's a dating thread somewhere on here . I took tips from them years ago when I started . It's worth reading and helps you with how you approach it all .

I recommend Hinge if you’re not already on there. I’ve found a few really great guys already and I’ve only been active a couple of weeks. I’ve previously been on Bumble ages ago and deleted after a couple of days… awful men!

Oh and get a friend to look at your profile. There might be something on there that can easily be tweaked.

As a non-driver I'm shocked you're OK with a drug addict, alcoholic, criminal or nasty person, but not a non-driver!
I'm with you on smoking.

Maybe you should give a Tory a try.

God I hate the profiles that say “no Tories” or whatever, makes me think they are going to be small minded and a pain in the arse, so I’d can the list of “nos” for a start. You don’t need to say it you work out people’s values as you speak.

It is shit though.

@charlie10k

Maybe you should give a Tory a try.

I don't think there's any need to be quite that desperate, but I'm curious about the no drivers thing. Is that a practical issue (eg. you live somewhere remote, impossible to get to on public transport)? Do you drive, and is there any reason a relationship couldn't work with you taking driving duties?

Just a thought. I don't know what else to suggest.

After 2.5 years of being single and online dating...I've given up. Honestly, deleted all the apps, put on my old wedding ring so I do attract attention from anyone in my day to day life.

I'm a pretty woman (vain to say, but I am) a slim size 10/12. In my early 30's

But there just seems to be time wasters and fuckboys on them. I've tried tinder, hinge, bumble, eHarmony.

I get.on average 20/30 matches a day. But all lack substance or just want to shag me 🙄

I've now come to the conclusion, I'm going to die alone. All I hope is when DS reaches adult hood and I'm old and frail he checks on me daily by phone so I don't end up festering in my bedsheets 😂

@MaleficentsCrow doesn’t surprise me about the fuckboys. I’d imagine it’s like being in a sweet shop for them. The more honest, serious guys probably get as frustrated as the OP and swear off them.

I would encourage you not to give up completely - there are definitely decent men out there but it takes a whole lot of sifting through the dross to find them.

Thanks for all the replies. I’m doing my best to stay positive but it’s hard. My ex wouldn’t learn to drive and you just end up being treated like a taxi service. I’d be expected to take on more responsibilities because I’m the one who could travel to visit families, take the kids to hobbies, easily transport the weekly shop etc. I tried dating a non driver last year and at the end of the date he suggested I pick him up the next time. No thanks. It’s a lifestyle choice, as smoking is, and life’s a lot easier/you have a more balanced relationship when you both can drive.

Also I think your political beliefs are an important part of how you view the world and are likely to treat others so there’s no point in me dating a Tory. It’s a good idea about having a friend view my profile. I’m going to do that. I did get contacted by a guy who seems okay yesterday but he lives an hours drive away and, as a single parent who doesn’t have a lot of free time, it seems a bit pointless to date someone so far from where I live.

Your shopping list is a bit off-putting. Even someone who isn’t a Tory might be discouraged because stating this makes you sound political and they may fear having their ear burnt off.

Car driver? Makes me think of the personal ads in my granny’s Take a Break Magazine: “ Attractive widow, 80s, seeks gentleman for days out, must have own car.” In other words, I need a chauffeur!

@thefourgp

Thanks for all the replies. I’m doing my best to stay positive but it’s hard. My ex wouldn’t learn to drive and you just end up being treated like a taxi service. I’d be expected to take on more responsibilities because I’m the one who could travel to visit families, take the kids to hobbies, easily transport the weekly shop etc. I tried dating a non driver last year and at the end of the date he suggested I pick him up the next time. No thanks. It’s a lifestyle choice, as smoking is, and life’s a lot easier/you have a more balanced relationship when you both can drive.

Also I think your political beliefs are an important part of how you view the world and are likely to treat others so there’s no point in me dating a Tory. It’s a good idea about having a friend view my profile. I’m going to do that. I did get contacted by a guy who seems okay yesterday but he lives an hours drive away and, as a single parent who doesn’t have a lot of free time, it seems a bit pointless to date someone so far from where I live.

I think the problem if you list things like 'no tories' it may put non-tories off as well. They could think you're highly political (nothing wrong with that but it could be off putting) or close minded. What if someone votes Tory because they're highly passionate about one particular issue that the other parties don't address?

Anyway, have standards but don't list them on your profile is my view.

@coronaway you make a good point. I take a general interest in politics but it’s not something I regularly discuss so I’ll take it off.

@IrmaFayLear You’ve missed my point. I don’t want to be someone else’s chauffeur and no matter what they say, if you’re in a long term relationship with a non driver you’re going to end up driving them about whilst they don’t reciprocate the favour. I have noticed that non drivers get really offended by this as though I’m accusing them of having a character flaw. I’m not, I’m just realistic about wanting a balanced relationship.

Do you not think you're being a bit picky? I'm a size 10, no kids and conventionally attractive and wouldn't rule someone out for not being able to drive!

I’m in a relationship with someone who doesn’t drive. He was in a traumatic car accident as a child and has mostly lived in London so he never wanted or needed to. I’ve never felt like his driver. If anything, he has given me the nudge to be less reliant on my car. He’ll think nothing of putting a podcast on and walking 45 mins to visit someone. We took the train for a weekend away recently and it was lovely.

For your profile, try and focus on the positive qualities you value in other people, not the negative ones you want to avoid?

@Ogwen Same here...I'm mid thirties and don't drive because of a traumatic accident as a child and then a beloved relative dying in a car accident when I was in my twenties. I've had lessons multiple times but the anxiety is simply too much. I feel I'm actually more likely to have an accident because of how anxious I am, so I have chosen for now to leave it. Makes me sad to think someone would write me off because of that!

Agree with others, part of your problem is your list of "no's".

Specifically stating no Tories makes you sound like a red flag waving loon. I know plenty of Tories who are perfectly good socially responsible people. BTW is there any real distinction between a left wing Tory and a right wing Labour person.

Again specifically drawing attention to the requirement to drive makes it sound like you want a chauffeur.

Also these two "no's" make you seem rather petty and not very imaginative. Personally I meet your criteria, but wouldn't respond to you.
Hope this helps.

@thefourgp I sympathise. I online dated on and off for 5 years and I did meet interesting, fun people but is only now in a relationship of one year with my lovely boyfriend. It’s him on Hinge. I would say ditch the list too. My boyfriend has a licence but not confident about driving in London. He’s European. Fair enough! Took me a good 7-8 years before I decided to drive in London. But he often would come to me on public transport or on his bike. He’s really inspired me to get on my bike more. Currently we are in Edinburgh on a city break and we came on the train.

On paper we are not a great match. He’s European (I’ve mostly dated English guys) and an artist, bohemian, chose not to have kids… while I’m a mother who works a steady job in a boring industry and I only met him out of curiosity…. But we are completely head over heels. It’s weird! So definitely be more open-minded…