I thought online dating might be tough but I didn’t expect it to be this tough

[thefourgp]

I’m just feeling a bit defeated today. I’m pretty content with my life but have been single for 3.5 years and want some company/ miss sex. I’m average looking and a bit overweight (size 16/18) but I scrub up okay and make an effort with my appearance. My only rules are no non-drivers, no smokers and no Tories. I’m looking for someone to have fun with. I don’t want to be married again but I don’t want one night stands either. It just seems so hard to find someone as they’re all either looking for someone who can travel and be spontaneous (no way- two young kids) or they want someone who’ll be a servant/mother figure and feed/fuck them whilst they sit in front of the tv every night. I know others who met partners online but today it feels like it’s just not going to happen for me. I don’t want to settle but I don’t think my expectations are too high either. I know there’s good men out there but they seem so few and far between. Anyone else getting really fed up of online dating but feel they have no other choice?

"Even someone who isn’t a Tory might be discouraged because stating this makes you sound political and they may fear having their ear burnt off."

There's nothing wrong with being political and personally I wouldn't want to date someone who would be put off by that. I think I'd rather declare something about myself than write 'no' something else though e.g. say that I'm a Remainer rather than write 'no Leavers'.

Yeah I think you’re right to take the no Tories out. I’m very much not a Tory but I think it would put me off. Just the ‘no’ bit, not you being political.

@Gwenhwyfar

"Even someone who isn’t a Tory might be discouraged because stating this makes you sound political and they may fear having their ear burnt off."

There's nothing wrong with being political and personally I wouldn't want to date someone who would be put off by that. I think I'd rather declare something about myself than write 'no' something else though e.g. say that I'm a Remainer rather than write 'no Leavers'.

I think part of the issue is the examples are so broad (Tory, remainer etc) they don't actually mean any thing.

Anyway don't give up OP but do take a breaK every now and again.

I took the Tory bit out and sent it to my sister and brother in law to have a look and give me their opinion. Here’s the before and after. (my brother in law is catholic). I’m happier with the changed version minus my bil’s special suggestions. Lol. Thanks for everyone’s input. X

Have you tried Match yet? I found that to be the best one for men who were more serious. OK cupid was OK too.

I did online dating for about 6 months before meeting my now husband on Match. Sometimes it was really demoralising and other times, lots of fun. I did treat it as a sort of second job because I really wanted to meet someone special but I didn't mind too much as I enjoyed chatting to people even if I didn't always meet up with them.

It's OK to have a selection process. I didn't want to meet anyone who smoked, did recreational drugs, or was interested in hook ups. I never liked any poser type men and always looked at the more natural, down to earth ones.
I also never went out with anyone I didn't message first. Not sure if that just made me feel more in control or it just worked out that way.

And I get the driving thing. I met someone who didn't drive and it did make it more difficult. Not so bad if the person is local but if they're in a different county, it can be hard.

@thefourgp

I took the Tory bit out and sent it to my sister and brother in law to have a look and give me their opinion. Here’s the before and after. (my brother in law is catholic). I’m happier with the changed version minus my bil’s special suggestions. Lol. Thanks for everyone’s input. X

Hah they are making good suggestions! Your first version is a bit flat but I can see how you are on here you are fun!

How old are you OP? The profile makes you sound quite old, probably older than you are. Just my opinion

Why on earth have you said you are not as slim as you used to be ? None of us are but there is no need to say so . Confidence is a huge attraction to men and yes I agree it all sounds a bit staid .

Oh sorry I see that is the first version

Second version much better ! Good luck !

I’ll give Match a go if this one doesn’t work. I’m middle aged but I have an old soul. Lol. No point in pretending you’re someone you’re not.

I used Match for a while and got a couple of OK dates from it . It got me well versed in the situation . I did however meet my now H on Plenty of Fish . I was older than " middle aged " 😂

I did online dating when my marriage ended, I had lost 5 stone with the stress in the last 6 months of being married. I was like a kid in a sweet shop. I joined POF, it was better then than it is now & I met some lovely men one of whom became my partner for 5 years & others who I still count as friends now. You do get the odd weirdo but you soon get a feel for who is on the level & who isn't, don't treat it too seriously, have a few different dates, some of the ones I met we didn't always go for a drink, we did fun things like bowling, went to football matches, concerts, food tasting or visited places nearby for a walk & then something to eat.

Well I disagree on the no tories - I put ‘must love socialism’ in my profile because I genuinely only want to date people who believe a socialist approach to wealth in society is the best way forward. Stating this, or ‘no tories’ filters out people I wouldn’t want to date. If I see someone’s profile saying similar I think they must be similar to me in values and see it as a good thing.

Having said that, I’ve been single 8 years apart from a few ill fated flings. The problem isn’t tories it’s just all round fucking idiots

I don't think there's anything wrong with you having political preferences at all, or having a dislike for Conservative voting men, but the whole 'No Tories' thing sounds a bit like a handwritten sign a little girl has on her door saying 'Girls only!! Boys keep out'!! That might put off even men who aren't Tories at all, simply because there is a sort of smug, small minded, unthinking person who likes to exclaim whenever they can that they're not a Tory in order to win social points. I don't think that would put off men who are just wanting a one night stand, but anyone thinking of sticking around for longer than that might not.

@thefourgp

I’ll give Match a go if this one doesn’t work. I’m middle aged but I have an old soul. Lol. No point in pretending you’re someone you’re not.

100% agree!

You're right op, you have to be yourself. Maybe consider adding something that's unique or a bit random about yourself to your profile.
I remember that I put something about me wanting to be a film journalist but ended up as a primary school teacher, but was also a bit of a Delboy on the quiet, as I liked buying collectables from boot sales and charity shops to sell on. Haha! Just that little bit more detail can lead to better, initial interest and conversation.
It's good to have things in your profile that stand out a bit and people can ask questions about. I always liked asking men about their pets (if they'd mentioned them in their profile) as an ice breaker message as I love animals and it seemed like a good neutral topic.

I'd swerve POF. It comes up regularly at a forum I attend to support abused women, twats use it for fishing for victims.

My friend met his new lovely partner on Hinge. Could be worth a try.

Don't do yourself down in your profile, don't comment on your weight or say too much of what you don't want. It's best to try and be positive and confident.

It's your call but I'd leave out the bit about driving too, you can always ask them in conversation.

It's funny how your BIL's version says the same things as your version, but you sound so much more interesting and fun to be around. Definitely listen to him. Nice job, that man!

I wouldn't want a non driver or non smoker either.

Ive been with the most amazing man for 4 years. We met via tinder after being divorced 10 years. I too wasn't looking for a relationship and neither was DP but here we are and wouldn't be without each other.

I thought tinder was great and I used to use it when I had nothing on and fancing a night out. I went into with the mind set of getting out and meeting someone new and nothing beyond that. My advice would be meet up quickly, no longer than two weeks and do keep your boundaries high. I wouldn't put no smokers, non drivers or tories on my bio but if I found out they were I'd politely decline a date or further dates.

I've voted labour most of my life, work in a very leftist profession but voted Tory because I can't stand Corbyn. You come across as very narrow minded and sound like hard work.