The Ick….can you ever get over it?

[Blankspace4]

DH and I been married 12 years.

I have the serious ick at the moment.

His dental hygiene is vile and hasn’t been to the dentist in years. One of his teeth is literally black.
He never cuts his toenails and they are just totally vile, fungal and overgrown
We use separate bathrooms but I’ve noticed he’s not changed his bath towel in 2 months
Drinks too much and eats crap. No regard for health and will only take a vitamin tablet if I nag him.

Putting it all out there on the page is quite upsetting really.

Is there any way back?? How do I address these things?

Have you only just noticed all these things?

There’d be no way back from that for me. His breath must honk, and I’m really squeamish about bad teeth.

Omg

No.

I haven’t only just noticed these things no. They aren’t all usually bad at the same time. Largely due to my nagging. But they now are and I’m tired. Sick and tired.

I should count myself lucky, he’s not violent, or abusive. But he has zero self care and makes zero effort for me. Im finding it hard to articulate other than the pure ick.

Eww.

I think the only way back would be if you gave him an ultimatum and says he has to fix these things or it's the end. Within a week or something he could get his teeth seen to (at least start to- I think what you describe would get given an emergency appt if phrased right), cut his nails and get a fungal treatment if need be, and change the towel/ other cleaning and commit to doing such stuff regularly, start a diet if he needs one and/or cut down on the drink.

Even then it'll take a while for you to find him attractive again/forget how he was, but I think it can be done if he spruces himmself up.

Thar all sounds like he’s given up caring about himself.
I think you do need to be honest with him about how off putting & concerning his drug neglect is. It’s hard to say these things out loud but perhaps heading it will encourage him to change his ways. Have you tried talking to him, or dropping hints?

There’d be no way back from that. It’s revolting.

Sorry typos… that’s meant to say ‘self’ not drug neglect.
Hearing not heading.

I should count myself lucky, he’s not violent, or abusive

@Blankspace4 Aww, OP, no, were your exes that nasty? Not being violent is not the sign of a good partner. Lots of other stuff is needed too- simple things like not being disgusting and being considerate.

He probably disregards you in other ways too.

Give him a deadline and a checklist. Tell him you’ve made an appointment with a counsellor and a solicitor. If he doesn’t get the list done, you’re off to the solicitor. If he does, you’re off to the counsellor to address the other deep issues in your relationship (I’m betting here) to hopefully enable you to stay together.

If you see little/no action and the time ticking away, start making comments about ‘after we seperate’ and leaving printouts of ‘flats to let’ on the kitchen counter.

What he’s doing is pretty extreme, and needs an extreme response. I’d actually move out for 2 weeks and say you’ll be back if you see movement on the checklist. That he’s clearly decided to live alone as a troll (the original meaning) so you’re taking his lead.

‘Keeping yourself nice’ is a fundamental requirement if you want a relationship. Fungus and tooth rot say ‘I want to live alone in a cave with no job or friends’.

I frankly don’t know how you manage not to heave in his presence. You’ve got a strong stomach!

Could it be related to his mental health pr has he became lazy?

Does he have any interests/hobbies that could maybe give him some motivation in general? Sounds like it's completely gone. This is basic self care. It must be horrible for you.

You are in charge of your own destiny. You can’t change people who don’t want to change.

Do you want a way back from that, though?!

Yes there are probably ways you could improve the relationship.. a bit. But honestly life is very short to live it with someone who couldn't give a flying fuck about hygiene or appearance. Maybe setting yourself free would be the best thing in this instance.

I don’t want to make excuses for him (as you can see, I’m at the end of my tether) but I think there might be some mental health angle here as his self care has gone downhill rapidly since we have been enforced WFH. It’s like he kept himself vaguely presentable for the world…but not for me. I don’t deserve it?

Going to book a dentist appt for both of us and also ask him to sort his toenails out, or book a chiropodist (if this is the right thing) to do it for him. He has health anxiety but why oh why does he let things build up and get SO bad that the trips to sort them out are worse than they needed to be.

The towel (and leaving the empty toilet roll containers piling up on the floor when there is a bin RIGHT THERE) I’m going to sort out for him, tell him I’ve done so, and that I won’t do it again.

The thing is he just rolls his eyes and I know he’s thinking ‘what a nag’ but at this moment in time I am not remotely attracted to him and can’t see that changing without drastic change.

The diet and exercise piece will have to come next. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect, but I do have standards and I want us both to have a long enjoyable life, not be overweight couch potatoes.

And yes, I had some really rotten exes in my younger years. Therefore I value that DH is at least placid, not violent or aggressive, or controlling. However, he seems not to care about himself or me, at all.

Mine has bad breath too. Keep giving hints.
I'm worried for him when he eventually returns to the office. Someone is going to tell him and it's not going to be very nice........

I wonder if he's depressed? Doesn't make it nice for you obviously but I do think this last year has left a lot of people drifting a bit.

Yes I do think he might be depressed.

How do you address these things ?
This is your husband of 12 years and you have acknowledged that he's likely depressed .
Have you considered supporting and loving your husband while he is down .
You seem more concerned about appearance than your dh .

You can't minimise your feelings, but I think to not try and help him and get to the bottom of it would be harsh. If we reversed the roles here we'd be more sympathetic to a woman struggling with a potential MH issue and failing to manage her personal hygiene and we wouldn't be encouraging the husband to leave at this point. Even if you find you can't continue the relationship in the longer term.

I do want to support him and I do want our marriage. I don’t want him to leave, I just want him to take care of himself, for his own health and well-being primarily with my own attraction being secondary to that.

I just don’t know how to without being a nag. I’ve tried subtle hints, for well over a year now, it doesn’t work.

I think anyone of those things you listed would kill any intimacy for me!

This isn't the ick. This is an entirely normal reaction to someone who is repulsive.

@Oysterbabe

This isn't the ick. This is an entirely normal reaction to someone who is repulsive.

This.

OP, have you children to consider?

If not, you need to stop putty footing around him, you are not his mother.

The fact he calls you a nag sounds awful.

He sounds repulsive, so NO I doubt there is any way back.

You deserve better.
Perhaps focus on yourself.

The fact that he is violent being a plus is deeply sad.

Your bar is below ground relationship wise.
You deserve better.