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Original poster

Should I send a message to ex’s (who doesn’t see children due to abuse) family a warning them.

30 replies

Letdown16 · 25/06/2021 19:38

So ex hasn’t had contact for almost 2 years and currently in the family court. He gets indirect via letters.

I have been still letting kids speak to there other gran and auntie in a different country as didn’t think it right to stop them.

I’ve had a few problems with them before as they obviously side with ex. I’ve just hung up the video call which was a) being recorded by them I presume to send to him and b) they were saying over and over what can we buy you, name it and we will keep sending you things. This has been brought up in court and ex has been told to not send gifts as he sends the biggest things he can find. Won’t send letters but will send gifts.
Before this they never sent anything and if they did just small things. I’ve had the most ridiculous sized gifts now form them ( not from them form my ex but he now putting in there name).

I don’t want to stop them calling I really don’t but I don’t want this manipulating continuing…..what shall I do, send them a msg to say I won’t call if they continue? It’s so unfair On the kids.

OP posts:
Jesskir89 · 25/06/2021 23:15

Hmm tough one. I would message to say you appreciate the gifts but its getting too much. If they'd like to help to maybe send clothes?

Itsybitsydooda · 25/06/2021 23:50

It sounds to me like you need to set the boundaries and make sure they know what they are. Then if/when they go to far you'll need to consider cutting contact.

Thelnebriati · 26/06/2021 00:11

They are acting as go betweens with your ex, and they are recording calls to show him. You need to cut contact even if you dont want to. They are siding with him, they are not safe people.

toocold54 · 26/06/2021 00:40

I would say I don’t want to be recorded and if they start then end the video straight away (I assume it tells you when they’re recording). I personally would accept the gifts especially if he doesn’t see the DCs then it’s the least he can do but if you don’t want to then explain you don’t have enough room for them etc and they’d rather receive letters or clothes or something they actually need.

Original poster
Letdown16 · 26/06/2021 08:22

It’s just such a coincidence that he has been warned by the judge and now they have started. Yes if they want to send clothes and stuff that helps great but that isn’t what’s happening, they are continuing the manipulation. The last thing that came was 1.5 meters square, it’s just so stupidly oversized and I’m not going to put up with them doing this on his behalf. It’s stupid he is already in so much trouble with the court and denied access, it’s going to make it worse.

His sister sounded possessed last night repeatedly ask what can we buy you, anything you want and my kids didn’t respond, they were busy trying to talk about school to then.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 26/06/2021 08:23

If he isn't allowed contact, that includes people working on his behalf.

Original poster
Letdown16 · 26/06/2021 08:32

Should I send them a message that it’s not what I really want to do but if they continue then I won’t be continuing with the contact.
Actually the mum is fine, she misses her granddaughter it is the sister, she has mental health problems (has tried to end her life on a few occasions) and it’s sounding very odd on the phone, extremely OTT. Being depressed is not a problem but manipulating my children is a big one.

OP posts:
thefourgp · 26/06/2021 08:33

Cut all contact with them. It’s of no benefit to your children for you to encourage them to have relationships with people who support an abuser. They will only drip poison in their ears as they get older.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/06/2021 08:41

These women are your ex's flying monkeys; they are not interested in hearing your side of things at all so their opinion should be ignored.

If these people are too toxic/difficult or otherwise batshit for YOU to deal with, its the same deal for your children too.

Stop all contact as of now; it does not benefit you or for that matter your children to remain in any form of contact with these women. If they continue to send stuff do not acknowledge any of it and dispose of it as you see fit.

KingdomScrolls · 26/06/2021 08:45

If his mum is fine can you talk to her and just say the demands from SIL upset the children, maybe she can have a word or call when SIL isn't around

HunterHearstHelmsley · 26/06/2021 08:50

Could you say you're not willing to continue calls with the sister due to this but will continue to support calls with the grandmother? Then if that doesn't work, you can stop it all.

Not that you have to. At least then you know you have done everything you can and are not to blame. (Not that I'm suggesting you are to blame, it's hard to get across in a few words)

MadeForThis · 26/06/2021 09:00

Just sell anything they send.

Justmeandme19 · 26/06/2021 09:02

Recording you all with out your consent is not ok, I would be furious about that.
I think it's a bit of a test (whether the mother and sister are aware or not), I think the ex is probably viewing the video. This allows him to feel that he still has some control. You need to put the boundaries in place. If not he will always push those boundaries because he can get away with it.
Send the granny an email (there for its traceable)
Say you want to continue the contact but that can only continue if.

  1. You never record our conversations again.
  2. Please only send clothes and no other items.
  3. The conversation remains child focuses.
If they are not recording the calls, she would naturally say that.
Original poster
Letdown16 · 26/06/2021 09:12

Thank you some great advice.

I feel terrible for stopping another connection of our kids as they do enjoy talking to their other family and I hate to be the one to take that away when they have lost so much. But and a big BUT I have come so far so I will not let them be used like this.

I will send that message @Justmeandme19 that sounds perfect. They creep me out as last phonecall she thought she was on mute but wasn’t and they were trying to figure out whether I had moved out yet, if my boyfriend had moved in, which he hasn’t but none of there business.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 26/06/2021 11:34

You aren't the one taking it away. They did that when they stopped being safe adults.

Original poster
Letdown16 · 11/07/2021 19:25

Ok @Justmeandme19 I sent the message containing what you said before ringing them and they replied denying what I’m talking about…..anyway I called and within 5 mins the sister repeats 3 or 4 times you look just like your daddy, you know you look just like your daddy. To which I took the phone and said sorry I’m ending the call now..

Why oh why can’t she just talk without that. The mum is not like that, she should have some control although I think she is afraid of them.

Have I done the right thing?

5 mins ago my daughter has just said I’m sad mummy I’m sad my daddy is missing. So it’s triggered it again and this is what I’m trying to avoid. I said I’m sorry I had to hang up but sometimes grown ups need to do as they are told just like you need to sometimes.

OP posts:
YarnOver · 11/07/2021 19:27

You have done the right thing truly you have.

Theunamedcat · 11/07/2021 19:29

You need to cut contact with them they are damaging your children

Justmeandme19 · 11/07/2021 19:43

Their silly as you have the right to stop contact. You have PR, they don't. Your maintaining contact for the benefit of your child, when it stops being a benefit to them and a potential burden, it's then not the right thing to carry it on.
Can you encourage contact only with the grandma?

Justmeandme19 · 11/07/2021 19:48

Also don't forget to record all this in your diary. The email, their response, the phone call and what your child said. You don't know when you may need it.

Original poster
Letdown16 · 11/07/2021 19:52

Yes I don’t mind keeping contact with gran, that is of benefit to daughter, she sings and talks to her.

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 11/07/2021 19:59

Your ex is not allowed contact. He is the only person you need to concern yourself with regards contact. You do not have to facilitate any contact with his family. I would simply not answer any more calls from them. If you wish to state that you cannot have any contact as you have realised they are colluding with your ex, then do so.

Original poster
Letdown16 · 11/07/2021 20:12

But isn’t a bit sad for daughter to have had contact with them and then suddenly stop. She won’t know what on earth is happening, it’s so bloody unfair for her.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 11/07/2021 20:15

Tell them if they want to do something, to set up a savings account for when the children are 18. He's getting in the back door by seeing videos of them.

Theunamedcat · 11/07/2021 20:57

@Letdown16

But isn’t a bit sad for daughter to have had contact with them and then suddenly stop. She won’t know what on earth is happening, it’s so bloody unfair for her.
Its THEIR FAULT they are the ones being unfair not you and you really need to understand this they are not safe people they do not have yours or your child's best interests in mind just his
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