Stonewalling/silent treatment

[Roses10101]

Hi

I have read quite a lot of threads on this recently and I am now coming to the realisation I am probably being emotionally abused.

I have been with my partner for 3 years we don’t have children, we don’t live together but he is practically at mine all the time when on good terms and has a key.

He was great at the start of the relationship, however that didn’t last long but I was already reeled in and emotionally attached at this point.

As of probably the last year I have started to question wether he is emotionally abusive. He started stone walling during every single argument or whenever I tried to question him about anything he is doing to upset me or doing wrong. It could be something so minor and depending on his mood he will either react well or he will be a complete and utter twat and ignore me. I never know what one I am going to get.

We seemed in a good place recently and he was actually open to resolving conflict and would make an effort to say he didn’t want to drag this on and turn it into something big.. I really thought progress had been made

But no here we are again a week ago HE did something wrong which I confronted and I am now being stone walled I have not seen him since that night when I usually see him most days.. I tried to contact him on Monday and he ignored all my txts and calls. He has his read receipts on he opens them Straight away just reads and doesn’t respond. I always end up trying to resolve these issues as I hate the silent treatment and pathetically I never manage to go more than a few days of not talking to him.

I haven’t reached out since he ignored me on Monday and he hasn’t reached out either, I know he won’t and this will go on for months if i let it.

I don’t want to be in this on and off bullshit anymore and I really need to find the strength to walk away. I just find it infuriating when he does this and I end up blowing up at him eventually.

Has anyone experienced this and walked away ?

Tell him you’re done and block him
It’s never going to improve

I always end up trying to resolve these issues as I hate the silent treatment and pathetically I never manage to go more than a few days of not talking to him.

It's why he does it. 1. He has the power. It doesn't matter what he does, you apologise and make this right. 2. He is training you not to pick him up on his bad behaviour.

Start to disengage. For this argument, don't get back in contact. Sit on your hands. Turn off your phone. See how long it takes him to come back to you and keep doing that. This isn't going to change and you need to see yourself in five years putting up with this shit OP. It's exhausting you when you could be happy alone or with someone kinder and more mature.

And let it go on for months - fuck him.

Block him on all channels and do not contact him further.

Do look at the Freedom Programme online; this will help you as part of your recovery from his abuses of you. Contacting Womens Aid could help you no end also.

Change your locks as he has a key.

Remember that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Do yourself the biggest favour of your life and block this idiot. His abuse is only going to get worse.

Yes, I’ve experienced it. He’s a manipulative shit. He’s training you to be obedient by giving you the silent treatment every time you do something he doesn’t like - question his judgement, hold him to account, etc. He won’t change and will probably get worse. He’ll start to do it when he doesn’t want to go somewhere or do something, and in my case it was also when he wanted to have a dalliance with someone else without having to think about me (I found out later). It’s a classic narcissism tactic (I’m not saying he’s a narcissist - I’m not qualified to make that diagnosis). I had a number of discussions about it and it would improve for a bit, but it never lasted. In the end, when he was 3 weeks into another megasulk, I deleted his number and blocked him on everything. Of course, then he came crawling round, but it was too late. I’d lost all love and respect for him.

@Wiredforsound can I ask how you found out about the someone else? My friend has suggested this is also one of the reasons why he does this and It has crossed my mind also. It probably
Already has got worse he already does it when he doesn’t want to go somewhere with me, he will purposely do something he knows I will
Challenge like be late or not answer my calls when I ask when he is coming etc i then end up challenging him and it ends up in us not
Going and then subsequently us not talking.

Why are you putting up with this bullshit?

Sounds like he could be a narcissist. Look it up.

Bin him off. They only get worse.

@Roses10101

Honestly, you already know he does it on purpose to manipulate you and stop you from challenging him about his behaviour.

It never 'goes away' or 'changes' and it never will !

It's up to you whether you want to waste another 3 years being abused, or whether you've had enough ?

@Roses10101

Have a read of this thread, from the beginning (it's got many threads because it's gone on so long), and you can see your own future if you choose to stay with him

@Roses10101

failed to attach the link !

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4125147-Divorcing-sulking-DH-it-WILL-happen-in-2021

@Aquamarine1029

Why are you putting up with this bullshit?

Couldn't have put it better myself.

Nobody deserves this sort of treatment.

@Roses10101 I have recently ended a 4 year relationship which sounds extremely similar to yours.

At the beginning it was fantastic (I now know was lovebombing) but the silent treatment started to appear after about 18 months.

I read thread after thread here about similar men and convinced myself that mine was different (he wasn't), he didn't know what he was doing (he did) and he wasn't abusive (he is).

I finally had enough and gathered my self-esteem together earlier this year. He was blanking me again so I left it, just to see how long it would go on for...six weeks! When he finally decided to talk to me I told him it was over and he was gobsmacked, thought I'd roll over like all the other times.

I hope you have the strength to end this - it took me too long but honestly the relief is incredible.

^I haven’t reached out since he ignored me on Monday and he hasn’t reached out either, I know he won’t and this will go on for months if i let it.

I don’t want to be in this on and off bullshit anymore and I really need to find the strength to walk away. I just find it infuriating when he does this and I end up blowing up at him eventually.

Has anyone experienced this and walked away ?^

@Roses10101 If he hasn't worked out how to resolve conflict an communicate with you in a healthy, honest way, then your relationship doesn't stand a chance. It sounds as if you're fed up with him anyway.

Let him know that you do not want to be in this relationship anymore and block him. He gives you the silent treatment because he is punishing you and getting you to chase him and fix the relationship rather than hold him accountable for his actions. People like him do not take responsibility for their behaviour and want you to do all the running. He is conditioning you not to question him when something goes wrong and accept his abusive behaviour.

To him, it's like a game of fetch, but just leave him to his sulking and at some point he will try to hoover you back into the relationship. Ignore him back and move on, healthy relationships does not involve mind games.

There are loads of threads on MN about sulking and stonewalling to read.

You know he's a dick, why are you wasting time on him?

Is this the future and life you want?

What is the point?

Dump and move on.

It really is that simple.

What does this guy do at the end of one of these episodes? Does he ever apologise for this behaviour and regret for how upset he's made you? If not and given how long he blanks you for I'd walk away. He'll probably try to convince you he'll change at that point, but will go back to his old ways.

@Exiledmancguy most of the time when I do get in contact with him he will apologise and be ‘understanding’ and acknowledge he shouldn’t have done it etc he will have a bshit excuse for why he didn’t get in contact and say something like ‘ I just thought I was causing you stress and it’s best I leave you alone ’ or ‘ I was actually going to contact you later on or definitely by tomorrow’ he will often say ‘ did you really think I was just going to leave things like this and never get in contact of course I can’t do that’ or sometimes when he ignores me I will threaten to end it I know I shouldn’t make empty threats and he then uses that as the reason he hasn’t got in contact ‘ you said it was over ‘ he’s used all of the above several times after a silent period that has been ended by me. After the excuses he will then just start acting normal again after saying he will change etc and usual shit.

I am aware this is abuse and I am aware I need to leave but when your in a situation sometimes it is not always as easy as that. But I feel I am ready to this time

@Justanothernametoday well done for getting out of the situation I know it isn’t easy. I plan to do the same I’m not going to contact him I know he is waiting for this and I know if I’m the unlikely
Event he does contact me I cannot see it being for months

The way relationships are supposed to be is you both think, "wow, I lucked out!" and if (insert heart-throb name here) turned up at the door with flowers and a limo you'd just go, "You're very attractive but you're not My Bert" and turn them away.

Sounds like this chap's not doing it for you and if Leonardo de Caprio or whoever turned up, you'd be off like a shot!

I am aware this is abuse and I am aware I need to leave but when your in a situation sometimes it is not always as easy as that. But I feel I am ready to this time

You need to start emotionally distancing yourself from him and the relationship. Don't contact him this time and never contact him again if he ignores you again. Hopefully the trash will take itself out as they say but you'll probably just end up spending less and less time together as you both dig your heels in and it will naturally peter out.

He does it because it works and he doesn't really respect you. It's not a loving thing to do is it? It's designed to put you in a subordinate position and many people end up apologising to the sulker, even though it's the sulker that's done wrong. They enjoy people running around and fawning over them.

It's not normal to go days without talking to a partner, but it looks like this is now normalised. It's so difficult to call out because they will rarely admit to doing it. Rarely have the words 'Yes I love sulking because I enjoy seeing you suffer and running after me' been uttered.

@Justanothernametoday

He was blanking me again so I left it, just to see how long it would go on for...six weeks! When he finally decided to talk to me I told him it was over and he was gobsmacked, thought I'd roll over like all the other times.

Haha - well done for leaving him. It was deserved by the sounds of it. SIX WEEKS!! Just a day or two is bad.

Another thing causing me anxiety is he owes me money for something that is due in the next two weeks. It’s not a huge sum it’s about £200. I will say i Don’t want to seem that financial abuse is going on here cos whilst he’s a complete twat he Isn’t doing that .. he never asks or takes money from me this was a one off and I had the means to help.. thing is the payment plan for this item is attached to my bank account and will
Effect my credit if I don’t pay it. He knows the dates the final payment is due but I dont want to have to contact him regarding this at all.. he will think it’s an excuse to get in contact so I am considering just paying it if I don’t hear anything from him. I know may sound crazy but I feel very strongly about not
Making any contact even if it’s to remind him this payment

Yes me.

I'm only recently out. I was banned from asking things like are you serious about me (because he'd be allover me then off) I asked if he really wanted little kids in his life. I asked him why he had been liking loads of photos of the same woman on Facebook. I was dumped. Blocked. Called a stalker. All my messages ingnored. Then he'd finally come back. Then the cycle restarted.

He would also call me insecure.
Put me down.
Tell me I had too much time on my hands.
I was over thinking.

The thing with my ex is he was a sneaky snake and was lying to me about a million things which explained his attitude. He was messaging other women. He had promised futures to another woman or two and dropped them. He was a player. Lost his last girlfriend too his manly urges.

If you scratch the surface of him (like you I was already in love and emotionally attached) there was alot of baggage and carnage from his past. I at first just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt as he seemed to be wanting to start a fresh and change. But anyhow.

He lied about how his ex and he split. It wasn't mutual it was his affair, drinking and money problems.

He lied about a stalker he had. He had actually played her for four months and destroyed her marriage and left her depressed and lost when he just walked away with no explanation.

He was always saying he was getting his car fixed but he actually was never going to. His ex got him it and he was just attached to it and knew it was actually old and no use at his age.

He also told lots of white lies like what he was doing. If he was awake or asleep.

Had broken relationships with immediate family.

Was an ex drinker.

The sad thing is he still can't give up needing attention from other women.

An adult who loves you and cares for you will always want to sit down. Talk. Reassure. Explain. Express. The fact he doesn't want those conversations with you means he's dodging something. If he has nothing to hide or wants to make it work then communication should not bother him.

I will tell you though. It's soooo hard. It took me three attempts. Everytime he came back he was a little less nicer than before. He was never the same. But it was painful as I wanted to find the old him.
.
I have good days and bad days. Some days I just want him to tell me why. I want to cry an tell him how much he broke me. But there's no point. He won't care. He doesn't care. But I still go over it alot sometimes. It's a long road to recovery but it's getting easier.

Sorry I've waffled. Its so hard and I am so sorry you are going through the same thing.