Stonewalling/silent treatment

[Roses10101]

Hi

I have read quite a lot of threads on this recently and I am now coming to the realisation I am probably being emotionally abused.

I have been with my partner for 3 years we don’t have children, we don’t live together but he is practically at mine all the time when on good terms and has a key.

He was great at the start of the relationship, however that didn’t last long but I was already reeled in and emotionally attached at this point.

As of probably the last year I have started to question wether he is emotionally abusive. He started stone walling during every single argument or whenever I tried to question him about anything he is doing to upset me or doing wrong. It could be something so minor and depending on his mood he will either react well or he will be a complete and utter twat and ignore me. I never know what one I am going to get.

We seemed in a good place recently and he was actually open to resolving conflict and would make an effort to say he didn’t want to drag this on and turn it into something big.. I really thought progress had been made

But no here we are again a week ago HE did something wrong which I confronted and I am now being stone walled I have not seen him since that night when I usually see him most days.. I tried to contact him on Monday and he ignored all my txts and calls. He has his read receipts on he opens them Straight away just reads and doesn’t respond. I always end up trying to resolve these issues as I hate the silent treatment and pathetically I never manage to go more than a few days of not talking to him.

I haven’t reached out since he ignored me on Monday and he hasn’t reached out either, I know he won’t and this will go on for months if i let it.

I don’t want to be in this on and off bullshit anymore and I really need to find the strength to walk away. I just find it infuriating when he does this and I end up blowing up at him eventually.

Has anyone experienced this and walked away ?

@Bluebellsinthesnow I’m so sorry you went through all that and good on you for getting out some of what you are describing seems scarily similar to my situation.

He also tells white lies such as saying he is asleep when he’s awake. It seems that every night he doesn’t spend at mine he is ‘asleep’ really early at home and I don’t hear from him. The amount of times I’ve heard ‘sorry babe I was asleep’ I lost count.

Mine also tells me I’m insecure and says I have to much time on my hands (work from home since Covid) and I am a over thinker ( I am but stil) he will say I feel like this as I’m not happy with my body and skin at the moment so take it out on him ( I’ve put weight on and suffer from adult acne on and off )

He doesn’t block me though never does and never has, think id prefer that it’s like he wants me to contact and he wants me to see he has ignored me. He doesn’t call me names either like stalker etc.

Honestly could be the same man lol this also happens when I mention serious things like kids etc as well and being serious about me. They have been huge triggers in the past.

My friends have said to me other women could be involved as this behaviour isn’t normal and he must be hiding something. I never really thought of it that way untill recently,.

Sometimes it’s like he wants me out the way for a while to make way for someone else.

I would write off the £200 and block him.

£200 is cheap for your self respect and your life back. You can do better than this bloke. He will never change.

Yes. They are damaged men. Mine is still in regular contact with his ex. It's the weirdest set up as she chucked him out December 2019 for cheating on him. When he got with me he blames the affair lady for causing him and his ex trouble. But he was messaging her whilst messaging me. I found out recently he was sleeping with a woman from tinder too. She confirmed to me he was messaging her from February this year. I was shocked as February was a decent month for me and him. But there you go, triangulation! Men like this always have other women on the go. They hop from woman to woman and use the same lies and adjust slightly to suck you in. My mans ex was clearly the love of his life and he hates himself for loosing her. But he will never change.

I already have kids and his are grown up so I was checking he could handle little kids coming into his life. He would never want to discuss his plans though and how he saw or wanted the future.

It's honestly the most head mashing thing. One minute he would say I can't believe how lucky I am to have you. The next minute he can't force his feelings.

He put me on a rollercoaster of emotions. I was not able to sleep. I was anxious. His ex girlfriend would and still does drive me mad. Just never can understand why they are still always in touch.

The reason you "overthink" is not because you are insecure. It's because your gut is telling you. It's like a psychic sense. It knows. You know this is not good behaviour. It's draining. It's not the world you come from. You don't like it. So you question it.

Someone told me a theory. 3 chickens. One got fed every day. One got fed sometimes. One never got fed. It was the one that got fed sometimes that was the most unhappy. Because it never knew what was coming or what to expect. That's exactly how these men make you feel. Will he make me feel good today? Will he love me today. Will he talk to me? Will he be grumpy? Will he make me wait hours for a reply? Then you get a tiny bit of relief when you get a response. Then you go back to feeling miserable.

I messaged mine first when we first fell out in march. He told me he didn't miss me when I asked. This was a week after we stopped speaking after four months of solid contact. I was heartbroken when he said no. But that was the last time I ever contacted him first. He's been back twice since then. Both times it's been down to him. I refuse to chase a man who speaks to me with such a lack of disrespect.

I keep a journal in my email account. I write down how I feel. I write letters etc. It kept me from contacting him for real. I read it back and it reminds me exactly how I felt. I've been keeping that journal since the first week we started talking. Because my gut knew pretty early on he was going to break my heart.

If you feel you need closure. Send him an email or something. Then block him. Tell him why you are done. Explain his faults not your own.

Something like.

Hi Dave.
I am sending you this email to let you know I am done with you this time. I am blocking you on all platforms as I am fed up of you dipping in and out of my life when you feel like it. I want to meet someone now that I can share a real future with. Someone who I can have an adult conversation with and not spend half my life receiving the silent treatment. I hope you find someone more suitable for yourself soon and wish you the best. Please do not contact me back. Goodbye Katie.

Also I lent mine money too. He paid me back silently with no thank you.

Sorry again for the long post.

Highly recommend pod casts. I listen to a guy who does a narcissism channel. It's great for reminding yourself that he's the problem and not you.

Good luck x

@Bluebellsinthesnow god he sounds awful. He has grown up children so I am assuming he is a older man ? Me and my partner are still quite young and both have no children I am 30 and he is 33. Still to old to be acting like this though. Honestly it is embarrassing.. I rarely say out loud to people I’m in a relationship as it is so on and off I don’t know wether I am coming or going.

Seems like yours was a real player.. I have never seen any signs of that in mine but I guess how would I know ? I don’t believe in going through your partners phone so I wouldn't do that. He does have Facebook and Twitter but doesn’t use them much. Unless another female reached out and contacted me from seeing me on his phone then I don’t know how I’d ever find anything like that out. How did you find out these things ?

I am so used to the on and off that it usually doesn’t phase me sad as that sounds. But this times it’s cut deep cos I have spent a lot of time with him since January, this year I thought we were really getting back on track he was at mine basically every night and it hadn’t been that way in a while. So now I am kinda like back to square one and don’t know how to handle this.

I think he may do the same with the money, he will probably transfer it to me and not say anything. He won’t want it hanging over him that he didn’t pay me back and he won’t want me to have that against him. I am staying away at the moment with family but I am pretty sure when I return he will have put his key through my door… things like that to get a reaction.

The email is a good idea but I’ve done it before and gone back on my word and secretly hoped for a response. I think the one and only way to deal with this and completely shock him is complete and utter silence. I’ve even written letters during no contact periods etc

I found out because he told me things he didn't need to say. He told me a woman called "Lucy" and he had sex once after he split from his ex. He told me how lucy told his ex everything and caused him so much grief. I believed his story. She was not on his FB. He consistently called her a stalker. But then she started coming up again and again. He'd claim she was messaging him and saying she loved him. I eventually contacted her and found out he had really messed around and lied to her. He was after getting back with his ex whilst faking a future with Lucy. Then I found out about others through Facebook. Women being deleted. Women suddenly flirting with him on everything he posted. He would always make out he was s victim.

Hes 47 and I'm in my thirties. He looks good for his age. So I decided to not let rhe gap bother me. His kids are adults yes. Early 20s. He never raised them last 4-6 years of age. The eldest has cut him off. Presume it was after he cheated on his ex as she was part of the family.

I understand how you go back on things. It's awful isn't it. That's because your being thrown around emotionally. Like you I got used to it. "Just the way he is" became how I saw it for a while. But I started to feel small and didn't know how to approach him anymore. Started realising I deserved so much better.

Even if your man isn't flirting or interested in other women he is being cruel. This isn't mature. It's so true that your life will neevr get better. They can't change unless they go to therapy. Which is where they belong. It's complicated stuff usually. What's his relationships like with others? Exes? Parents? Siblings? Is he negative about others? Jelous? Does he have empathy.

Ask yourself what he has that you want? What do you want from him that's so appealing and great?

I'm ashamed to say the last time he came back I was playing him back. O only for three weeks. I had lost all feelings for him. I just wanted to test him and see what he would say. How far I could get him to "act" because I already didn't like him. But I also did it to proove to myself that he didn't think anything more of the others he had met since me. Because he was now talking to me again. That's how twisted he was getting me.

I'm focused on myself now. I try and keep busy. I hope one day I meet a nice man that had his stuff together. Mature. Communicative. Kind. Honest. Loyal. I am excited to meet someone one day that's normal. I honestly don't think I'll meet anyone as mad again. He really was something.

I don't like him at all. But I will always hold abit of love and care for him. I'm sad for him. Because he's not happy in his own life at all. He's missed out so much on stuff that matters because he's far too busy lying and finding a supply of ladies.
X

@Bluebellsinthesnow ohh okay makes sense how you found out now. If I had any suspicions I wound absolutely contact that woman but I think he’s to clever to even leave things lying around that I may become suspicious of.

Yours sounds like a txt book narcissist where as with mine I’m not so sure. Although that is part of how they manipulate you to think they aren’t as bad as others. I would have thought at 47 he would not be acting like that ! But i guess some men never grow up do they.

I don’t know what his relationship was like with any ex.. he has never spoken about exes which I guess is a bit of a red flag in itself. His mother abandoned him when he was younger and he wasn’t raised by her.. he now lives with her and he is very very attached to her in a unhealthy way for someone of his age. He does see his dad but they are not close. He told me his sister grew up being scared of him and they only now have a semi relationship.. there is a big age gap of over 10 years between them.. she seems ‘normal’ has a young son and lives with her partner. He doesn’t let men in his house , he didn’t let his sisters partner in when she lived there until she became pregnant and he knew it was serious. He didn’t acknowledge or talk about the fact she was pregnant for a while. His mum cannot talk about her partners or mention them to him either and won’t dare have a man in the house if he is in.. she left him for men all throughout his life I assume this is why he is like this now. He has been through and seen trauma but I am currently reading the book ‘why does he do that’ and it is a complete eye opener.. the author believes that men who blame their mothers for their abuse of
Women use it as an excuse and just another woman to blame for the way they are. There are no studies to show men who suffer by their mothers go on to be abusive but if it was their father it is more likely.

The bottom line of the book is that abuse is a choice the man makes and it is very likely
Only women in his life who suffer at the hands of him. A person who suffers trauma and has true mental health issues you wound see every impact of his life affected by this including work rships etc. Most of these men are well respected in society and amongsnt friends and even nobe romantic rships with other females they just chose to abuse in romantic rships.. it was a eye opener !

Yes he definitely has some deep routed stuff going on doesn't he. My ex loved his mum. She died 19 years ago. From what I can establish he watched his dad come and go as a kid. He didn't like his dad because his dad cheated on his mum all the time. Sounds like she did her best for her two boys and they struggled. His dad's rich. Owns loads of houses now and stuff. But there relationship completely ended a couple of years back. He has also cut off his brother and stuff.
He lived quite far up north with his wife and kids when his mum died. It seems he left his kids at that point and moved to the town she lived in. Didn't see his kids for 12 years. They turned up as adults. Then one cut him off again

Sounds like your guy keeps control to oroove to himself he can't be hurt or abandoned. He makes the choices.

I know you love him. Its so hard to explain to someone how you can hate snd love someone all in one go. But it's accepting that you have got to live a productive life for yourself. You can't fix them. I often hoped I would be the one to change him and settle him. Almost thought the had been let down his whole life. He's a clone of his dad. I remember him saying he would never cheat because his dad did it. But he does cheat. So I think it's quite disturbing he makes the claims on his dead mother's memory. I remember him saying to me he felt she had sent me to him and said there you go. Have this beautiful woman and make eachother happy. Stop messing around with your life now

The whole thing has left me baffled and hurt. I wish it was as simple as running for the hills. Even though I've cut him off now I'm still dealing with the hurt. I'm getting stronger though.

You've just got to do it when you know you are ready. He's messed up and it might not be his fault. His childhood was abit messy but if you settle for his issues you are signing up to years of misery. It's a really difficult thing. I hope you figure it out soon.

It seems that every night he doesn’t spend at mine he is ‘asleep’ really early at home and I don’t hear from him. The amount of times I’ve heard ‘sorry babe I was asleep’ I lost count. ... My friends have said to me other women could be involved as this behaviour isn’t normal and he must be hiding something. I never really thought of it that way untill recently,. Sometimes it’s like he wants me out the way for a while to make way for someone else.

He is not only cheating but treating you as a convenient option when it suits him.

It what way is he enhancing your life? What is the point of all the angst, the agonising, the pain you let him inflict on you?

Whether or not he repays you the £200 is irrelevant. Block him and consider the debt an investment in your future.

Change the lock so that you don’t t have to ask him to return the key.
Put his stuff in a plastic bag on the edge of your property.
Text him to tell him where his stuff is, and then bar him.
Do not communicate further.

@Roses10101

Another thing causing me anxiety is he owes me money for something that is due in the next two weeks. It’s not a huge sum it’s about £200. I will say i Don’t want to seem that financial abuse is going on here cos whilst he’s a complete twat he Isn’t doing that .. he never asks or takes money from me this was a one off and I had the means to help.. thing is the payment plan for this item is attached to my bank account and will Effect my credit if I don’t pay it. He knows the dates the final payment is due but I dont want to have to contact him regarding this at all.. he will think it’s an excuse to get in contact so I am considering just paying it if I don’t hear anything from him. I know may sound crazy but I feel very strongly about not Making any contact even if it’s to remind him this payment

I’d probably just take the financial hit and chalk it up to experience. And don’t ever lend money again.

Even when your rational mind knows that it isn't working, men like this are bloody hard to bin off. Because of his withdrawal of affection, you're in the cycle of having to chase him when he stonewalls you, and it's almost a habit now for you to get in touch when he's being an arsehole. It's like he's trying to get you to prove how much you like him by seeing how long it will take before you run after him- he is hugely insecure. This will never work OP. I've been there myself, and was shocked at how much it affected me afterwards, and raised huge trust/confidence issues.

@SilentPanic

Yes I agree with you. I think only people who have been here understand how difficult it is.
It's the hardest thing to explain. Because we feel we want to put things right. Sort things. But these types have no interest in that. It's all about control. Often mine came back when another attempt failed with someone else.

@SilentPanic totally agree and it’s no offence to anyone on these threads who tell women to leave and why are you putting up with this etc but I see it said a lot and that can often be seen as victim blaming.

If you haven’t experienced it then I don’t think you truly know how hard it is.. emotional abuse is often harder to overcome then physical
Abuse as it is so psychologically damaging.

It it was just as easy as blocking and never looking back Women would never end up in these situations for years in the first place

Sending you support.

I’m going through the same thing, and it hurts.

Mine has currently ended things because of something I did 16 years ago. You read that right.
He has emotionally abused me, stonewalled me, lied to me, slept with his ex when we fell out, contacted other women, but he cannot be with “someone like me” because I’m disgusting. My crime 16 years ago? Having a one night stand with someone while my relationship was breaking down.

This man has walked out on me numerous times, always comes back days later after I’ve reached out and tried to fix it. He won’t discuss anything, he just wants to make me beg then come back like nothing has happened.

He’s blocked me on everything this time, and although I know it’s the best thing he could have done I’m sitting here hurt and wondering what I did to deserve all of this.

You’re not alone x

@EllieStartingOver sorry your going through this it’s really shit I know how you feel

I also slept with someone else during a off period that went on for a long time (months of no contact ) and i genuinely thought it was over . This is constantly thrown back at me and he also says things like ‘ how can I take you seriously you slept with someone else’

its all excuses.. mine does the same once I reach out he’s normal again and refuses to discuss.

I gauruntee he will unblock you soon

Hope your ok x

Sending you strength, and all others on this thread who have experienced this. I took mine back after he left me to go back to his ex; had an affair with my best friend; sexted other women; belittled me; left me alone when I was facing a potentially serious health issue. And on and on and on it went. And because of the relationship dynamic he had created, I couldn't contemplate leaving, and when I did, I'd text him to come back within a day or two.
In the end, I realised I just wasn't emotionally capable of a clean break. I went one day without getting in touch, and then we were in touch only sporadically whilst I gave myself time to detach. The more days that passed without seeing him, the more I could see the situation for what it was. To end it like that was cruel to him, really, but it was the only way.

Now I'm stunned that I allowed myself to be treated like that. I was really happy and confident and contented when I met him, and I became someone else entirely in his company. I battled and battled for a man who was just, in the end, a boring, pervy, moaning old shitbag.

The good news is, almost a year after him, and I feel like me again. I don't miss him at all, ever, and I really appreciate the feeling of relief that I don't have to give a shit about what he's getting up to now. Saying that, on the odd occasion that he does text, although I am detached and pleasant and quite formal in my brief replies, it does affect me for a few days.

Thank you @Roses10101, you’re message made me cry which shows how much he has emotionally broken me.

@SilentPanic I can’t believe I will ever get to that point, but I hope I do.

Yes I have. My first boyfriend did this regularly. I was 18 and subjected to this. I used to beg and plead with him.

It got worse and he eventually slammed me against a wall. Luckily for me at that point I left.

I know that his next two girlfriends suffered the same, but he hit both of them, the second one quite bad beatings.

Please please just get rid now. You are being abused. It will get worse.

I'd write off the money and pay it to avoid fucking up my credit. I'd block him and then take myself out for a lovely dinner with my gorgeous dog. A man should be a life enhancing accessory not a drag or a a downer. If he is not bringing joy then Marie Kondo him!

My husband does this but he has Asperger's and it's a shutdown caused by overwhelming stress where he literally can't speak or even acknowledge me. Fortunately it doesn't happen very often. We once were on an 8 hour drive (weekend away) and he blanked me the entire time, it was as if I was there alone. Horrible to experience even if they don't "mean" it.

@SilentPanic

Omg I really relate to the boring, moaning Pervy bit.
My guy was the most negative dramary man. He used to say because I was a SAHM I had too much time to think. Asked me if he considered working to at least mix with other adults??? This was the man with no friends or family. Who spent Christmas alone and only has photos with him s exs family. I have friends and I go out. He sleeps the days away when he isn't working because he's so miserable and tired. I've never even known him to go to Asda lol. I think he's s last long term love carried him. He got out and about because she encouraged it. Now he just sits with his dog.
When I look at him he has the most boring, lonely exsistance out of work. He doesn't even potter about in the garden or have a car to drive because he's hanging onto a teenage boy car his ex bought him when he was younger

Pervy aswel. Obsessed with women. Almost wasn't fussed in the end as long as they fussed him. He was even flirtatious with his ex wives twin who's haggard and married. He's just obsessed with women and that thing between their legs! Lost so many decent people because an inbox full of women's messages and pictures of them naked means more than living a real life with real plans. Sorry ranting again!