unplanned pregnancy with absent boyfriend

[lostandnotfoundbuggy]

Hi everyone sorry if this is gonna be long I'm just so lost and need some advice or even some words of encouragement/ insight from my mumsnet family

I've (20F) been with this guy (22M) for 2 years now in a serious relationship. We had our issues but there's always been so much love between us too. He's always supported me in my hardest times and I've supported him too. he loved to party and take some drugs this was something recreational at the time that then progressed to him having to get a hit every few nights in a week and having to go to raves and whatever.

In the midst of this I've just found out I'm pregnant and Ive told him and he says he's with me and going to support me no matter what decision I make to either keep the baby or terminate the pregnancy.

But going through this experience I'm just so confused if I should just cut him out of my life too now after seeing some things.

He is just so unresponsive to my texts and calls and says he is sleeping all day and I'm hurt by it but feel maybe I'm wrong?
I have so much love for him and I know it's mutual but I feel so much guilt for leaving him now and that I feel like I have to help him to overcome the drugs.

At the same time he doesn't want my help and wants me to accept him as is. I'm just so lost in my emotions and overwhelmed and I can't help but think maybe I would want to keep the baby if he were more reliable not that I'm blaming him or anything I just know a lot of super strong women are capable of doing it but I know I couldn't do it on my own. It's not easy.

Maybe this was more of a vent then anything. But thank you to all that read it regardless I'm just broken and lost because I love him but so much has changed too I don't know anymore and now a kid And sorry for going on and off track. Thank you

What is your financial situation like?
What is his financial situation like?
Where do you both live?

@Mrgrinch

What is your financial situation like? What is his financial situation like? Where do you both live?

If I'm being completely honest I'm not financially stable I had lost my job due to COVID and dug into my savings only now managing to work again and save a little again. His financial situation is not good either he doesn't have a stable job and recently asked me for money actually so not very well ATM. We are in Australia

Any help or advice is so greatly appreciated guys I'm just jittery and cant stop typing and thinking about this it's eating me up

Ok, he's not reliable.

That's the first thing to be clear on. He's more into drugs than you, and it's not your job to fix him. Plus, he doesn't want you to fix him. He likes taking drugs and partying all night and sleeping all day. He won't be daddy.

The only thing you really have to decide is do you want to keep this baby, as a single mother, and have 100% responsibility for your child. Emotional, financial, practical and caring responsibility. Because that is what you will be looking at.

I think you need to be very cold and clear on this so that you can decide what you want to do. Good luck.

As above. Make your decisions assuming you will be doing this completely on your own with no support from him.
And don't give him any more of your money.

@MadMadMadamMim

Ok, he's not reliable.

That's the first thing to be clear on. He's more into drugs than you, and it's not your job to fix him. Plus, he doesn't want you to fix him. He likes taking drugs and partying all night and sleeping all day. He won't be daddy.

The only thing you really have to decide is do you want to keep this baby, as a single mother, and have 100% responsibility for your child. Emotional, financial, practical and caring responsibility. Because that is what you will be looking at.

I think you need to be very cold and clear on this so that you can decide what you want to do. Good luck.

Thank you very much. For me I think I just had to be assured that I really don't have to waste my energy into begging him to fix himself and how it's not my responsibility. I just felt guilt and when I've need funds and been in a pickle he's helped me at the drop of a hat so I felt almost indebted to him is all

@Stripyhoglets1

As above. Make your decisions assuming you will be doing this completely on your own with no support from him. And don't give him any more of your money.

You're right thank you I just felt guilt because he's given me a lot of funds when I needed it at the time so I felt happy to help when he needed it. Just I feel stuck in the sense where I feel responsible to get him help. I know he's an adult but he gives me so many mixed signals or wanting help and then just turning the next minute. But thank you so much

@Stripyhoglets1

As above. Make your decisions assuming you will be doing this completely on your own with no support from him. And don't give him any more of your money.

I second this assessment. He has made it clear you can't rely on him. Remember, that if he really wanted to be there for you he would in text and in body.

You will be a single parent
You will be tied to this loser until your child grows up

You will be fine! You sound a sensible sort, and kind enough to try and help others.

What you need to do now is put yourself first. If he wants help then he needs to reach out to professionals. It's not your role - and you don't have the expertise to help him quit drugs. If he really wants to be there for you (and the baby) then this is what he needs to do.

I would recommend telling him that you need some space for now to make a decision on your own about the baby and the future. Do you have family who could support you?

Do you want your child to have him as a father? You'll be tied to him forever.

No you don't have to help him. You need to focus on you and if you decide to go ahead, on your pregnancy. He is an adult and is responsible for sorting himself out now.

I have so much love for him and I know it's mutual but I feel so much guilt for leaving him now and that I feel like I have to help him to overcome the drugs.

At the same time he doesn't want my help and wants me to accept him as is.

He doesn't want to overcome the drugs and he won't stop using them until he wants to. If you're still with him then you might be able to help him but until then he's not father material so please don't try and make him be so - that way lies a world of hurt for you and the baby.

You’re 20 with your whole life ahead of you. Are you ready for a child and all it entails? Why not wait until you are in a financial and stable relationship?

If you do give birth to his child there is every chance that you will raise this child alone.

I am wondering if you are mixing up love here with codependency. Do not further enable him by bailing him out.

It's also ok to terminate your pregnancy. You're so young to get tied down to an unreliable man. You are not indebted to him either.

You've got some faulty thinking going on regarding his drug use. Only he can overcome his drug habit and he likely needs professional help to do so. You are not a drug counsellor, therapist or nurse and you need to step back from thinking this is a "we" thing - it is not, addiction is something only the individual can manage, ultimately. Otherwise you're on a path to co-dependency and enabling.

It doesn't sound like a great time in your life to have a baby, nor does he sound a good bet as a father or partner. I would think very carefully about what you want to do.

I agree about the faulty thinking.

You're 20 and, without sounding patronising, it's hard to imagine the long term future. My son, at 20, felt very similarly about his gf at the time. Her issues were mental health rather than drugs. He eventually saw that he couldn't be the one to help her and that she must help herself. He ended it. She ramped up the guilt on him, fabricated a pregnancy, stalked him at university... and, 2 years later, he's so thankful he did so.

At the same age, I was with a man I thought I could help and support. I couldn't. I became pregnant at 23 to him and he's never even seen his son.

I'm now 46 and I wouldn't spend 5 minutes thinking I was indebted to a man. Nor would I put up with any shit.

You've got one life.

I would also think very carefully about what you do next. You would ultimately be a single parent. Either because you split up or because he is useless.

You don't have to have a baby just because you became unintentionally pregnant.

@lostandnotfoundbuggy

Do not confuse his giving you cash when you needed it as 'support'.

He helped you. That's all. And I'm sure you would 'help' him, if you didn't have more important priorities right now.

Until you have made your decision about whether or not you'd like to keep the baby, keep ALL the money you HAVE, and SAVE as much as you can, because if you decide to keep the baby, you'll need it.

He has made it very clear that his 'support' not amount to more than a handhold now and then, and certainly not the amount of support, both emotional and financial you'd need. As another poster put it, he won't be 'Daddy'.

Hi lovely. I think that you need to think of the likelihood of being a single mum because at the moment, he doesn't sound like responsible father material. He may be in his baby's life and love the baby, but doesn't look like he's going to be helping look after the baby practically or financially.

So you need to decide whether you would want to have a baby and raise the baby on your own or if there is family who can help.

It's your decision and you have to do what is right for you.

Drugs + baby = very bad combination

Oh OP. He doesn't sound like great relationship potential and even worse father potential.

Some PPs are suggesting that you only have the baby if you are prepared to do it alone, as if that is the worst outcome. It isn't, by a long way. The worst outcome is that you have two decades of having your life controlled by a drug addict who can't step up to being a father but refuses to relinquish his "rights".

You are so young. If it was me I would have a termination without a second thought.

OP,

Great advice above.

You are SO young and have so much living to do.

Do you really want the absolutely enormous sole responsibility of a child?

The food, housing, education, emotional needs of a child?
Putting that childs needs ahead of your own, every single time?
Knowing that your freedoms and options are hugely curtailed as you try and provide a home and stability on your OWN for the next 20 years?

Think really long and hard because what you decide will irrevocably change your life.

He's only a man, a drug using man.

You think he's the one, but he's not really, there are lots of ones.

You are at a great age, don't throw it away on a drug taking waster.

Know your value and value this one life and your freedom.

I have children your age, I would hate to see one of my girls taking on the huge responsibilities of motherhood on their own at such a tender age.

You never get those years back.

Thank you so much to everyone that has taken the time to reply, I appreciate it beyond words.
I am so thankful for the people that made sure I don't feel guilt to terminate and eased me into that. I know I can't possibly give the child the life I would want to right now being so unstable it would be highly unfair to him or her.
He is extremely unavailable and I can't have a baby with someone like that it's clear. I don't have any family and if they knew I don't think they would be supportive at all.

I think the best thing would be to deal with the matter at hand, get my money back and leave the relationship as much as that would hurt it seems like that is the sensibility thing to do. Much love to everyone thank you all so much

Op you sound amazing. You are thinking carefully about what is best for everyone.

I agree that you should leave the relationship. As you get older you start to realise that love is just not enough to sustain a relationship. There’s so many other factors as well
Wishing you all the best