Boyfriend called me selfish for wanting to go out

[nelma]

Already posted in parenting but I figured it made more sense in relationships. I'm still trimming to figure out this app 😂
Anyway...

I asked my boyfriend what days he had off next month because I wanted to go out for a bottomless brunch with my friends. I'm trying to pre-plan since i wanted to drink on this day and I am bf'ing so wanted to express beforehand. dd is currently 3 weeks old but by the time I was planning this brunch she will be 6 weeks and hopefully we would have introduced bottle/formula by then, planning to do so anyway. It became a whole argument, his reasoning for being peeved is that why can't I just go on a non-alcoholic bottomless brunch with dd with me, seeing as I will be off all the time, why am I waiting for him to have a day off after working all to go out drinking leaving dd with him. His problem isn't taking care of our daughter whilst I'm away, but because I'm drinking it a problem? I told him I wanted a day to myself since I've had a problem with autonomy since the beginning of the pregnancy. That's when he proceeded to call me selfish, since dd is only a newborn and I'm already planning selfish days.

Please tell me im not ridiculous for calling him ridiculous

I thought pump and dump if you’ve been drinking was a myth?

You want to go see your friends who I assume you haven't seen for a long time. Let your hair down a little bit and have fun!
Think you are absolutely perfectly reasonable for that. And as a PP has said your daughter is only little once so I would have thought her dad would jump at the chance to bond with her (just the two of them) Honestly OP do it. Enjoy yourself.

Go and have a brilliant time!
My first night was when my baby was 10 days old. He survived being with his father for a few hours

NHS advice about breastfeeding and alcohol has changed. No need to pump and dump and if you’re going between feeds no need to express either provided you’re sensible and don’t have more than a couple of drinks.

@skeemee

I thought pump and dump if you’ve been drinking was a myth?

It is a myth. It’s perfectly ok to drink in moderation while bf.

I'm so sorry! I obviously haven't kept up with advice on drinking and bfing, but I thought OP was meaning 'a bottomless brunch' by way of drinks as well as food...

@nelma
I'm afraid that I don't get it either.
Firstly, I'd have thought you'd have wanted to take your baby with you! Secondly, introducing a bottle or formula may well make bfing harder to sustain. And expressing before then isn't recommended! You've chosen to ebf, so is it really such a hardship to go alcohol free? Thirdly, I am always aghast that this wanted baby you've carried is barely in the world and your focus as a mother is when you can leave them! Why?
The autonomy argument is, imo, rubbish. Choosing to have a baby means sacrifices, why is alcohol so needed as well as being in such a rush to not be with your newborn!
Imo, there's little point in having a child when the focus is being away from them! Will you also be returning to work at the first opportunity you have?

@BusyLizzie61 I'm assuming as he's still around the father has also chosen to have this child. Surely he can sacrifice a few precious hours of his time to help support the mother's well being. Do you think he'll be so much happier at her going if she just goes for the food?
I think yours might be one of the most judgmental posts I've seen on MN today, that's quite an achievement. It's literally all aimed at the OP too and not a single word against the other parent.

What a misogynistic twat he is.

What he's basically saying in not so many words is it's only your job to care for the child your both parents too.

Your baby is only 3 weeks old;I think we can all see what your life co parenting with this man is going to be like.

You can go out with your friends as long as you don't expect him to be a parent alone for a few hours.

I'm betting he doesn't bother doing any housework/cooking/laundry etc either and that too is now your job.

I'm afraid that I don't get it either
Firstly, I'd have thought you'd have wanted to take your baby with you! Secondly, introducing a bottle or formula may well make bfing harder to sustain. And expressing before then isn't recommended! You've chosen to ebf, so is it really such a hardship to go alcohol free? Thirdly, I am always aghast that this wanted baby you've carried is barely in the world and your focus as a mother is when you can leave them! Why?
The autonomy argument is, imo, rubbish. Choosing to have a baby means sacrifices, why is alcohol so needed as well as being in such a rush to not be with your newborn!
Imo, there's little point in having a child when the focus is being away from them! Will you also be returning to work at the first opportunity you have?

Oh look, your misogynistic husband found your post!

@BusyLizzie61

I am always aghast that this wanted baby you've carried is barely in the world and your focus as a mother is when you can leave them!

It's not her focus, it's something she is going to do for a couple of hours while her partner has some time alone with the baby. You know, his baby.

Choosing to have a baby means sacrifices, why is alcohol so needed as well as being in such a rush to not be with your newborn!

She's not in a rush, she's planning a couple of hours away from her baby while the baby is with his / her dad.

Imo, there's little point in having a child when the focus is being away from them!

Why do you keep saying it's OP's 'focus' when it's clearly an exception to her norm. It's a few hours, not a week away! What a horrible thing to say to a new mum, as if there was no point her having a baby.

I hope you'd say these things to a man planning to spend a couple of hours away from his six week old baby while the baby was with their partner. Because you've mentioned the 'focus' thing / being away from the baby in addition to a comment about breastfeeding. Men can't breastfeed so those comments wouldn't apply to them, but surely your others should for consistency's sake?

Go and enjoy yourself, I was always desperate to get out by the time mine were 6-8 weeks old , I just wanted to feel like me again even for just a few hours. I remember OH being a bit sniffy after DD1 was 8 weeks old and I told him I was going out, I just gave him the death glare and said you've been out what's the difference. I love my children to bits but I also like spending time with my friends.

@BusyLizzie61
You've crossed multiple lines with your disgusting response

[quote BusyLizzie61]@nelma
I'm afraid that I don't get it either.
Firstly, I'd have thought you'd have wanted to take your baby with you! Secondly, introducing a bottle or formula may well make bfing harder to sustain. And expressing before then isn't recommended! You've chosen to ebf, so is it really such a hardship to go alcohol free? Thirdly, I am always aghast that this wanted baby you've carried is barely in the world and your focus as a mother is when you can leave them! Why?
The autonomy argument is, imo, rubbish. Choosing to have a baby means sacrifices, why is alcohol so needed as well as being in such a rush to not be with your newborn!
Imo, there's little point in having a child when the focus is being away from them! Will you also be returning to work at the first opportunity you have?[/quote]
Goodness you really feel it was pointless for your husband to have a child with you because he went back to work?

How awful 😣

@thelegohooverer

seeing as I will be off all the time, why am I waiting for him to have a day off after working all to go out drinking leaving dd with him

Well if you having dd all day is “being off”, surely him having dd on a day off makes no difference to him being off.

Or else having dd all day is work, in which case you’re entitled to expect a break.

Or is it only work to look after a baby if you have to carry about a mighty penis as well?

He needs to clarify this thought process

Just wanted to show my appreciation for this fantastic post.

@updownroundandround

Excellent post - where is that from?

Also at mighty penis preventing him from caring for a newborn for a FEW HOURS!

I mean seriously!

Is he any use at all op?

In terms of arguing the point I agree - either you're having an easy time of it on mat leave therefore he'll find it a breeze doing the same for just a few hours OR it's bloody hard work - in which case you deserve a break!

What you need to do right now is get your husband to do a lot more than I suspect he has been doing with dd on a daily basis.

My ex was many things, but in the early stages of dds life I'll give him credit he really threw himself into fatherhood - and this was a man who'd never held a newborn before we had dd.

I was very experienced with babies and had been a nanny, he hadn't a clue!

But he said himself - he had to learn and I had to let him.

Your husband needs to learn to care for your baby - just as you have!

You didn't magically know she likes to be held a certain way or that the best way to get her to sleep is to pat her back rhythmically, or what music settles her (with dd it was friends theme tune - guess what I binge watched during pregnancy! )

And the only way he's going to learn all this is by doing it - now!

So that WHEN you go for brunch he feels confident and capable of caring for her

He's being a dick no question, but I suspect it's at least partly from panic! Of his own making admittedly, but still that's likely to be at least partly the root cause of his response

That's not an excuse he's out of order for sure!

But it may be a way of discussing without tensions rising again?

New parenthood is scary!

I had a lot of experience before dd, but having one of your own brings new challenges and lots of pesky emotions!

I'd lost 3 before dd and then it transpired I had a medical condition that meant that dd would be my one and only. I also have (then undx) ocd. So I was a fairly anxious new mum.

The first time I went out without her I felt like I'd left an arm behind! It was so weird. I almost didn't go, ex had to literally push me out the door (in a jokey way) "she will be fine - I'll probably be a gibbering wreck in the corner - but she will be fine"

When I got back (it was just a lunch with a friend) he had tv remote in one hand and she was laid on the sofa next to him with him doing the little circular stroke between her eyes (which was how she settled at this point) with the other hand.

First thing he said?

"How on earth do you manage when I'm not here to drink a cuppa while it's still hot?!"

My answer - "I don't! I've given up and only have cold drinks now"

You're in this together he needs reminded of that

Sorry - boyfriend my mistake

[quote BusyLizzie61]@nelma
I'm afraid that I don't get it either.
Firstly, I'd have thought you'd have wanted to take your baby with you! Secondly, introducing a bottle or formula may well make bfing harder to sustain. And expressing before then isn't recommended! You've chosen to ebf, so is it really such a hardship to go alcohol free? Thirdly, I am always aghast that this wanted baby you've carried is barely in the world and your focus as a mother is when you can leave them! Why?
The autonomy argument is, imo, rubbish. Choosing to have a baby means sacrifices, why is alcohol so needed as well as being in such a rush to not be with your newborn!
Imo, there's little point in having a child when the focus is being away from them! Will you also be returning to work at the first opportunity you have?[/quote]
Yes. They chose to have a baby. And I'm pretty sure even if the OP does go to brunch without her baby she still spends a hell of a lot more time with her than her father does. Anyway, that's not his issue. His problem is that the OP is going to be drinking. My guess is that he's just jealous because she's going to have more fun than him and he might have to look after the baby more if the OP has a self-inflicted hangover after. Diddums.

@Graphista

It was originally written in a magazine/newspaper I think.

Someone posted in on MN, and I copied and pasted it because it expresses so clearly exactly what women try to express to their partners/husbands, but often fail to get it across so well.

The reason I've kept a copy on my desktop, is in case my DS, now in his early 20's, ever treats his partner/wife like a servant (he's got an excellent role model in my 2nd husband, but you never know !)

Is the 'bottomless' brunch aspect of the brunch related to the food, or drink or both?. If you're going for company with your friends, a nice breakfast and one or two nice glasses of fizz at most, that's fine I think. But you say here :

"His problem isn't taking care of our daughter whilst I'm away, but because I'm drinking it a problem?"

We're you previously a big drinker? Do you normally get drunk when you get together with these friends? He seems happy for you to go, and to look after his daughter on the day, but the concern is flaring up over alcohol. I'm with him on that one ...I get that it can seem controlling, but BF is so hard to establish and so worth it if going well, that to try and push a six week old into bottles/formula early so you can drink without caution seems counter-productive. If it's this that's causing the stress between you, I don't think your partner deserves the comments many people are making.

@Undertheoldlindentree the bottomless brunch places round my way have a time limit of 90 mins. I'm not sure how much damage you can do in that time with both prosecco AND food!

and at mighty penis!!

I'm afraid that I don't get it either.
Firstly, I'd have thought you'd have wanted to take your baby with you! Secondly, introducing a bottle or formula may well make bfing harder to sustain. And expressing before then isn't recommended! You've chosen to ebf, so is it really such a hardship to go alcohol free? Thirdly, I am always aghast that this wanted baby you've carried is barely in the world and your focus as a mother is when you can leave them! Why?
The autonomy argument is, imo, rubbish. Choosing to have a baby means sacrifices, why is alcohol so needed as well as being in such a rush to not be with your newborn!
Imo, there's little point in having a child when the focus is being away from them! Will you also be returning to work at the first opportunity you have?

This is the biggest load of rubbish I've read on here for a long time. Such sexist, misogynistic drivel.

@SylviasMama

I think six weeks old is way too early to leave a baby. They are tiny for such a short time. Not a popular opinion here, but I think you should hold off a bit.

Agree. Especially if breastfeeding.

I don't understand these posts saying that a baby shouldn't be "left" at six weeks. What do posters mean by that? Have they not seen that the baby would be with her father, and thus not "left"? Or do they mean that both parents should stick by the baby's side until ... what age? Eight weeks? Twelve? Or do they mean that only the mum has to? Serious question: what do you mean?

He is talking bollocks. You being away from the baby for a few hours isn't selfish.

And the bizzylizzy poster - I can't even..

As an aside though. I ebf mine and couldn't express milk and they didn't take the bottle easily. And actually, it only worked when i wasn't around (to begin with). So do some trial runs in the lead up to you going out.