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Original poster

I’ve ghosted him, am I right to do so?

77 replies

Bananasforhammocks · 23/06/2021 15:34

Have been seeing a guy at work for six months. He’s separated and has been for a while, his wife had an affair with an ex.
He was saying all the right things, I’ve fancied him for ages and really really fancy him. We get along amazingly and I was so happy with him.
I asked him to do something nice at the weekend, he told me he had his kids and will have his kids most weekends now. Fine, not a problem.
My friend seen him with his wife at a restaurant on Saturday night. He lied to me. For the first few days I didn’t let on that I knew, wanted to see if he would tell me. He brazingly carried on as normal, chatting with me at work and looking at me all lustfully.

I started to avoid him at work, just so I wouldn’t have to see his face. He’s picked up on these hints and hasn’t asked me what’s wrong. I was stood right next to him today and I completely ignored him. I’ve blocked his number and social media. I assume he knows why.
I just feel terrible because if I was a guy that done that to a woman it would be emotionally abusive. Should I tell him why or just carry on moving forward?

OP posts:

Original poster

Bananasforhammocks · 24/06/2021 09:02

Yes he saw her too and obviously she’s going to tell me. My friend has saw pictures of his wife she’s sure.
So for me, if he was bothered he would come and offer some sort of explanation - which would probably be more lies if anything.
It’s the fact he said he’s going to have his kids every weekend from now on, it now feels like he’s saying I’m busy with my family every weekend so don’t ask me out. I don’t think he would have told me, I think he would keep me on a string for how ever long.

OP posts:

BillMasen · 24/06/2021 09:19

Fine op whatever

You, and the baying mob on mumsnet, have clearly decided he’s up to no good so there’s no need to use any of your grown up skills like words, and ghosting/ignoring is absolutely the right response. None of this communication lark.

HollowTalk · 24/06/2021 09:25

Oh come on, @BillMasen. He's told her he's got the kids that weekend, then is seen out with his wife. Where were the kids, then?! And he's told her weekends are out from now on...

She's not stupid. She knows what he's up to. He saw her friend at the restaurant - he knows she dobbed him in.

LittleBlackCat22 · 24/06/2021 09:31

Was he not with the wife and the kids?

Original poster

Bananasforhammocks · 24/06/2021 09:36

Just the wife. No kids. Friend reported he seen her as she walked in the door and looked away. His wife had his back to her but when she was sat at the table she had full view of them. She sent me a photo.
I also feel bad for his wife too. She probably has no idea.

OP posts:

66babe · 24/06/2021 09:39

Maybe they had met out in public to discuss finances / childcare/ sensible parenting without infringing on each other personal space
Why can't you just have a sensible conversation with him ?

bathsh3ba · 24/06/2021 09:42

To turn it around, is ghosting helping? Do you feel any better for having done it? It doesn't sound like you do. Dancing around an issue rarely helps anyone. Grasp the nettle and get it over with.

Just because ghosting is commonplace in dating doesn't mean it's okay. Just because he treated you badly doesn't mean it's okay for you to treat him badly. One of my favourite sayings is that in a world where everyone takes an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, the whole world is blind and toothless. If you are always direct, open and honest with someone, you have nothing to reproach yourself for, whatever they may do. And that is more valuable than anything else, in my book. It's fine to feel sad about it but at least behave in a way that means you can hold your head up high.

ElspethFlashman · 24/06/2021 09:49

Yeah, I'd dump him too tbh. His wife had an affair and has obviously started sniffing around again.

But I wouldn't ghost him.

Neither would I take him to task about the dinner - not if I'd actually decided to dump him regardless. It's a waste of energy. He's going to hotly protest his innocence and if you've got the ick, what's the point of all that drama. It's an unnecessary confrontation.

People can dump guys just because they're over it - they don't need proof, this isn't a court of law! There doesn't have to be a cross examination!

I'd just send him a message saying "Hi, I know I've been off with you and the truth is, I've been doing some thinking and I don't think we're a long term option together, and I think you feel that too so it's best we call it a day. Thanks for a fun 6 months and I really hope you find the right person for you. X"

I GUARANTEE he'll answer that yeah maybe you're right etc etc to save face.

And bish bash bosh all done and dusted no hard feelings (except of course privately you do!) and you can continue to be cordial and dignified at work when you cross paths.

Original poster

Bananasforhammocks · 24/06/2021 09:51

The ghosting isn’t about him or revenge, it’s about me and my mental health. I’ve got really attached and he’s not good for me. Hes lied to me before about things and I’ve let it go. It’s for my own self respect to just walk away and do what’s right for me.
I’m open to talk about it if he shows he is but he’s not which is cowardly which makes me not wanna even waste my time.
I mite change my mind, I don’t know. Or if I’m next to him again I mite say something but for now I’m just so upset I don’t wanna even look at him.

OP posts:

Peach01 · 24/06/2021 11:38

I’m open to talk about it if he shows he is
This is how this situation is different to actually ghosting someone.
He knows he's been caught and hasn't came to you to offer any explanation, although he sees you in person.

@BillMasen you're putting the onus on the wrong person. Maybe he should use his "grown up skills" to communicate what he's actually doing with these 2 women, rather than lying and using his kids as an excuse.

If there was an innocent excuse for his date with his ex, he would've made it known to the woman he's been seeing for 6 months when her friend seen him together. There would've been no need to lie in the first place. Now he's seeing his ex again he's told OP he'll not be available on weekends.

He's made no attempt to rectify this. You'd need to be buttoned up the back not to see through it.

layladomino · 24/06/2021 17:28

The problem here is you decided to ghost for the benefit of your mental health, but you're now worrying and wondering, and not sure what happened / feeling bad that you've ghosted him. So it's worse for your MH than the alternative, which would be to be honest, explain and finish it with dignity. Then move on.

SwimBaby · 24/06/2021 17:43

I’d probably send a one line text and then move on.

Dabforpearl · 24/06/2021 18:23

I feel like Im the wife in this situation! I left last year after a ton if lies, big lies. He sent me a message by mistake, was meant for a wonan at work, he said they were just good friends.....yeah right!
Anyway I broke it off with him and hes been trying to grovel back lately. Not having any of it. I feel sorry for the other woman tbh, she has to put up with his lies now, probably the same ones be told me. Im the 'crazy' ex by the way

Original poster

Bananasforhammocks · 24/06/2021 20:01

@layladomino only I do know what happened. He went out to dinner with ex wife and lied to me about it. And put me off seeing him at weekends.
I’m more bothered about hurting his feelings but that’s just my codependent nature that I need to stop in it’s tracks.
I think I would feel worse approaching him, feeling like I’m chasing him to tell me the truth, when he can’t even be bothered to ask what the matter is, he’s not going out his way for me and I feel I matter more.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bananasforhammocks · 24/06/2021 20:01

@Dabforpearl I’m sorry, he sounds awful. You are definitely better divorcing him, your too good for him.

OP posts:

Bluebellsinthesnow · 24/06/2021 20:11

I would tell him in a really mature way and keep your head held high. Don't show hurt. But belittle him a little.

Say .. I have blocked you because it's disrespectful to your wife what you are doing. I do not wish to be an option. I'm not sure why you couldn't tell me you was back with your wife and going out for meals together. I'd have been fine if you had been honest. Anyway good luck to you both.

Peach01 · 25/06/2021 18:24

@Bananasforhammocks has he attempted to speak to you yet?

cordelia16 · 27/06/2021 11:36

@layladomino

I completely agree with this.

When you ghost someone, that ghosting is always in the back of your mind and therefore you can never really relax or move on. It can be very passive. One line that you know he was with his wife and that you don't want this kind of drama in your life, as a previous PP had said, is much more effective... and much better for your mental health.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 27/06/2021 11:50

I also agree with layla, I'm not sure this ignoring him approach is great for your mental health, especially if you work in the same building. You're going to see him around, and from a purely work angle, it's not a terribly professional approach to a colleague, and that's all bound to play on your mind. Why not give him a chance to explain (PPs are right, he could've been meeting her about anything and you're still going on second-hand guesswork from your friend, really), and then explain that lying is a dealbreaker and you're done. Then walk away with strength intact and the ability to claim the high ground. That way you can continue a strictly professional relationship and it won't risk hurting your career in any way whatsoever, and he knows he majorly crossed a line and that's why it ended.

SwimBaby · 27/06/2021 11:53

Also can you ghost someone if you still physically see them?

Addicted2LuvIsland · 30/06/2021 01:15

She didn't ghost him. She is just ignoring him. There's a difference. He can see her and talk to her if need be.

chickenyhead · 30/06/2021 01:21

If he hasn't asked for an explanation, he just isn't that in to you.

I don't think it is ghosting if you work together. He can see you aren't happy. He just doesn't care why.

LHReturns · 30/06/2021 02:05

Hi OP - isn’t ghosting just a way to get a reaction and attention from someone you are really into? I’m so sorry he has let you down, because naturally you were excited about this. Don’t leave the ball in his court.

The best thing for your mental health is to call him and say that it is over and ask him not to contact you again. Then block him.

But I am sure this is very difficult as it will mean closing the door. But if you carry on you are in for months of worry and wondering if you are ‘winning’. Horrible way to live.

ohthatbloodycat · 30/06/2021 02:23

Me and my ex husband used to do the occasional thing together with the children. We figured it was healthy for them to see us being amicable. It didn't work in our case, but are you absolutely certain it's not something like that? Some separated couples are able to maintain civility and continue to do stuff together with the kids ... not sustainable in our case sadly, but we did start off with good intentions

LouLou300 · 30/06/2021 14:50

For me personally, I would want closure, he fucked up and deserves to be called out. So I would confront him and end it officially for peace of mind.

However, not everyone is that way and I think in this situation if you really don't want to confront him then ghosting him and his lying ass is justified.

I feel like both of you right now are possibly waiting for the other person to take the first step and approach one another. He is for sure keeping his head down because he knows he has been caught out.

If it was an innocent dinner, he wouldn't be acting this way and would have asked you what's up, so his behavior is a dead giveaway.

Good luck.

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